This probably isn’t the best time for it
Who: Amberprice What: Waiting for word and Rachel trying to keep Chloe's mind off of things When: Same day Ilia was rescued Where: Trainyard Rating: Pg-13 Status: Complete
Maybe the worst part was seeing Chloe torn up over this. Yeah, sure, Rachel was worried about Ilia, but she felt like something important was slipping through her fingers and she had no idea what to do about it. She couldn’t exactly be a bitch about it, anyway, and she didn’t want to make this about herself and her own growing problems.
The trainyard was ironic, though, considering. Two truths and a lie…
Rachel plucked Chloe’s phone out of her hands and placed it on the table. “Just staring at it isn’t going to make it happen any faster. I don’t like it any more than you do.”
Chloe was not okay. Once they’d learned that Ilia hadn’t just up and left, Chloe’s abandonment issues had mostly subsided, giving way instead to even more worry and concern. She wasn’t a fighter, not the way Blake and Ruby seemed to be, and it was killing her that she was powerless to do anything to help get Ilia back.
But she did worry if Ilia would actually come back. Whatever she’d been going through the past couple weeks would no doubt be enough to change someone. And she was more than a little afraid of how it would change Ilia. But it also made her angry and wanting to kill the people who took her, but she let the people who knew how to fight to do.
She was waiting on word from Blake about the rescue. And it was definitely possible that she hadn’t really slept either. It was difficult to sleep when she was worried. She also wasn’t really eating either. Chloe had no appetite at the moment.
“Fuck,” she cursed when Rachel took her phone from her. Chloe rubbed her hands over her face and she went back to pacing, unable to stay still. “Why do people do this? God I fucking hate this world.” She kicked a wall of the train.
“People do a lot of terrible things, we don’t always understand why and sometimes it’s for nothing.” Perhaps something a little knowing in her voice as Rachel rubbed her own arm, watching Chloe pace. She took a seat. Her legs ached too much for her to pace with her, though she was frustrated enough.
“Fuck ‘em all.” Chloe practically spat. She hated waiting, hated being powerless to help, but at least they knew what had happened now. They weren’t just flailing around in the dark trying to find answers. Chloe was a mess, and it wasn’t one that would be fixed until Ilia was back and was going to be okay. Or as okay as she could be.
“She just better come back alive.” Because if Ilia died? Chloe was going to be done with everything. It was more than enough that her dad had died again in her dreams, something that was still an open wound. She wouldn’t be able to handle losing a friend, especially like this.
“She will,” Rachel said. She couldn’t know for certain, but she wasn’t going to make Chloe worse by speculating about the worse case scenarios. “She’s tough, and I’m going to be honest here but that Romanoff chick is terrifying.”
Given the way Chloe’s life had gone, worst case scenarios tended to be the norm for her. But she was desperately trying not to think about worst case scenarios. “She’s pretty intense.” Which was probably an understatement, but still.
“She feels like someone who belongs in an old spy flick, the kind of femme fatale you can’t be certain of who’s side she’s actually on.” She wanted to keep Chloe talking, so she didn’t think too hard on this subject.
Or anything to do with how hurt Ilia could be.
“Yeah, she does feel like she belongs in a film noir movie.” Chloe knew Rachel was trying to help by keeping her talking on any subject other than one related to Ilia. It was why she was going along with it because Chloe felt that she was going to go insane otherwise.
Or, well, more insane. She wasn’t mentally stable to begin with, after all.
“I’ll bet she has some stories to tell.” And Rachel could imagine what it would be like to peel that catsuit off of her. Rachel beckoned for Chloe to sit.
“Yeah, people like her typically do.” Chloe was still pacing, a bundle of nervous energy. “I can’t sit down right now.” She couldn’t stay still either. So it was pacing.
“Okay.” Rachel got up then. They could dance, but it didn’t feel appropriate. But pacing wasn’t going to accomplish anything either. Grunting in frustration, she picked up Chloe’s phone, but there was nothing new.
“She.. really means a lot to you, doesn’t she.”
“Of course she does. She’s my friend.” Chloe probably cared about Ilia more than just a friend, but she wasn’t at the point of admitting it, or even really realizing it. Though that was probably more out of a fear of getting hurt again than anything else. And she was so tired of getting hurt and having her heart broken.
Just a friend? Rachel didn’t ask it. She wanted to, but she was afraid of the answer, and what it would mean for her. It was incredibly selfish under the circumstances (or at all) and she clenched her hands into fists at her side. “I know. You feel intensely.”
“Yeah. And considering I have all of three friends in this fucking world? I’d rather it not fall to two.” Even though she was intensely scared it would be two friends. That maybe Ilia would die or not be herself anymore or otherwise just not be able to come back. But that was something Chloe was trying not to think about.
“What I mean, is when you care about someone, it’s like the fucking sun.” Rachel unclenched her hands, and formed an orb with them. “It burns.”
“Yeah. Maybe I just care too much and ultimately burn everything down around me.” Maybe that’s why both you and Max left, she thought it, but didn’t say it. Chloe was rather a black hole more than a sun, in her own opinion.
“I’m supposed to be the fire one, remember?” Rachel ran her hand through her hair. “It’s not your fault, Chloe. Nothing that’s ever happened to you has been your fault. Your dad dying wasn’t your fault. Your mom marrying a douchebag wasn’t your fault.”
And because, even without Chloe saying it, Rachel knew it was on her mind, “Max leaving wasn’t your fault, and her ignoring you wasn’t your fault either. That’s all on her.”
She dropped her hand back down. They’d been kind of dancing around it since they’d met again, “And this probably isn’t the best time for it, but my leaving wasn’t your fault either.”
“True. You’re fire and I’m the black hole.” Chloe sighed heavily. Chloe didn’t want to blame herself, refused to blame herself, and she was always quick to blame other people for the problems in her life. “Yeah you’re right. It’s my dad’s fault for dying. It’s my mom’s fault for marrying a douchebag. It’s Max’s fault for ignoring me. And it’s your fault for leaving.”
Even though she was fully aware that the common denominator in all of this was herself, Chloe still refused to take the blame.
Good. Rachel didn’t want her to take the blame. And she didn’t want her to fall into that black hole, “I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m sorry. I got… a lot of things in my head that got twisted around.” By Mark, by her anger. She was almost ready to admit how bad it was getting, but this wasn’t the time.
But there’d be later. There’d be a later.
“Are you sure it wasn’t just that you cared more about getting the fuck out of Tillamook than you cared about me?” Chloe asked. The thought had been one that had crossed her mind of late. And she wasn’t exactly one to hold her thoughts back when the door was open. But it was also indicative of the fact that she’d made herself believe that Rachel didn’t love her anymore because how could someone just leave someone they loved behind without a single word?
“It was more complicated than that,” Rachel snapped. She rubbed her palms at her eyes, and started to pace, herself. “I wanted to take you with us. He wouldn’t let..” She corrected herself, almost unknowingly, “He didn’t think it was a good idea.”
Chloe rolled her eyes. “Let me guess, I’d just drag down the fun because I’m a black hole of human suffering. I get it.” She obviously didn’t, but it was her obvious conclusion without knowing how much of an asshole Mark actually was. “I probably should’ve seen that coming. Nothing good in my life ever lasts anyway.” That was pretty much the reason why she was afraid Ilia wouldn’t come back at all because she never had anything good for longterm. Both Max and Rachel had stuck it out for years, but even they ended up leaving eventually. Her dad died. It just made sense that Ilia would not come back at all.
While that wasn’t the exact wording that Mark had used, it had been part of a concerted effort to turn Rachel against Chloe. And it had worked, for a little while, something that Rachel was ashamed of. “He uhm… never mind. It’s not important.”
Just thinking about it was making Rachel angry. She felt powerless and she hated that feeling. She wanted to go back to fun and cuddling and the things they’d done on that table together. Not sit here half-expecting Ilia to come home in a body bag and Chloe hating her life and her.
Whatever Rachel was going to say before she changed her mind probably was important, but Chloe didn’t have the patience or right mindset to deal with pressing the issue. Her life sucked enough, she didn’t need to make it worse by having some huge argument with Rachel.
Chloe pulled out a cigarette and lit it. She was undoubtedly going to chainsmoke until she heard from Blake. As much as she’d worked herself up over this, she refused to get high. She wanted to be sober if Ilia came back. And if Ilia didn’t, well, that just might be the straw that broke the camel’s back, as it were. A person could only take so much pain and loss before they just gave up on everything, after all.
The latter was probably the biggest reason Rachel was here. She didn’t know Ilia enough to feel concern beyond the basic concern one had for another person in trouble. She knew her enough to like her (and hated liking her), but Rachel was here for Chloe. Even if she was failing that a little right now.
She’d already made a plan in the event Ilia was dead, and had scoured the caboose for anything that Chloe could quickly grab to kill herself with.
There was something pretty deadly in her purse, but as long as Chloe didn’t know about it it would be okay.
Chloe went and stood by the door of the caboose as she smoked. She stared out at the empty train yard as though she were willing it to get Ilia back safely.
“You know, I’ve been thinking about something you asked me a while back. About if I’d get another tattoo. I think I’m going to get a sleeve tattoo on my left arm. Not sure of what yet, but I think I could rock it.” At least she was talking about something other than Ilia.
“No ideas at all?” Rachel was all behind the idea of ink. She’d have more of it herself if Mark wasn’t such an asshole. Teasingly, she suggested, “A blue butterfly, like your hair.”
“I already have butterflies in my tattoo now.” Chloe shrugged a shoulder. “I could always do a vine of thorns wrapped around my arm. Maybe with some blood dripping.” It was a bit macabre, but Chloe tended towards the macabre anyway. She did have a skull in the tattoo on her right arm, after all.
“That sounds kind of suitable for you,” Rachel decided. She kind of really dug the thorns idea as it was. “I want… fire. I don’t know where yet. But I want fire.”
“It does,” she responded, glancing at her left arm. And hey, if it helped keep people from noticing the scars on that arm? All the more reason to get it. Though she would still wear a ton of bracelets on both wrists to try and hide those telltale suicide scars regardless. “That definitely suits you. Maybe a dragon as well.”
Rachel’s mouth turned up in a grin, and she nodded, “I’ll keep that in mind, just for you. Maybe you could help me design it.”
“If you’re going to rely on my drawing skills, it’s probably better if you don’t. I’m better with writing than I am with drawing.” Even if Chloe kind of wanted to learn how to use spray paint to make graffiti, but that was a little besides the point.
“I’m sure we can find the right kind of artist then.” Rachel was open to anything, and the more they talked about this the better. Still, her eyes fell to Chloe’s phone. How long did that even take?
“If no one here is suitable, there’s undoubtedly someone up in L.A.” Though that would involve Chloe getting in a car, and she was still mostly against being in a car. Well, not so much against as traumatized and thinking she’d get in another accident whenever she next got in a car. So she was basically walking everywhere.
Or if Jaina wanted to teleport her somewhere, that was mostly okay as well. But it was largely walking.
“I’d say we have time, but things would probably start happening as soon as the needle hits your skin. But it would take time to get there.”
“Yeah. There’s time to find the right place.” Also to save enough money for a tattoo. As much as Chloe wanted another tattoo, she did kind of want to get her own apartment first. She sometimes felt bad for mooching off of Jaina so much. But at least she had a job so she could save money that way.