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Chloe Price hates emojis (no_emoji) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2018-06-01 19:06:00

Who: Ilia and Chloe
What: An encounter at the junkyard and venting over the deaths of parents ensues.
When: May 2nd
Where: A junkyard
Warnings: Mentions of parental deaths, language

The fact that Chloe’s dreams had been both mundane and relatively similar to her life here, she hadn’t previously felt like talking about them. Sure, they dredged up her complicated feelings about Max, made her remember what it had been like before everything had gone so wrong in her life. Given the similarity to her life here, part of her had been very aware that her father could end up dying in the dreams as well, but she’d willfully pushed those thoughts aside.

But oh, it had hurt to see her dad again in the dreams, to be around him like that. Chloe hadn’t wanted the dreams to stop because she just wanted to stay there with her dad in a time when she’d been happy and carefree.

And then it all came crashing down as she dreamt of her mom coming home and telling her that her dad had died in a car accident. Chloe’s world crumbled just as she collapsed to the floor in the doorway in a fit of tears.

She’d woken with a jolt, a rush of emotions hitting her all at once. For a moment, she thought she was back home with her mom and felt like that fourteen year old all over again. The wound that had been caused by her dad’s death had been viciously ripped open again. It also would exacerbate the emotions she still had lingering from her own car accident a couple weeks earlier.

Needing to get out of Jaina’s apartment before she broke anything within it, she quickly dressed and left before Jaina could stop her. Chloe made a b-line for the junkyard, not knowing where else to go where she could be alone. Calling Ilia or Rachel didn’t even enter her mind, she was trying too hard to keep her emotions in check until she was away from people.

The first thing she did upon getting to the junkyard was let out a primal-sounding scream of anguish. It was too much for her to handle again. Once had been hard enough, and now she felt like she’d just been broken yet again. How much of her would be left at this rate?

“Fuck these shithole dreams,” she cursed as tears were running down her cheeks. She moved around the junkyard until she found a baseball bat. She picked it up and started beating the hell out of everything she could, letting out intermittent screams and sobs as she raged.

“Why did you have to die?! Why did you fucking leave me behind?!” Chloe wailed. She continued screaming, crying and trashing the junkyard, losing track of time. She didn’t care if her voice went hoarse or raw, she just needed to rage and let it out.

It had been a day since Ilia had dreamt of her own parents dying in the same way that they had here and honestly? She wasn’t any less angry or raw. She had worried about it. Even with being a Faunus in the dreams, with how different things were, she had worried that the similarities that were there would lead to the death of her parents. And it had. By the fucking Schnee Dust Company at that. It was enough to make her sick.

Feeling like she needed to do something and knowing that going to Los Angeles to burn down the building would probably be a bad idea, Ilia had dressed and headed to the train tracks. She could at least scream and destroy things in the junkyard. Of course, she didn’t even bother with makeup given she wasn’t planning on seeing anyone and really didn’t care about her black eye at the moment.

So when Ilia heard Chloe screaming? She was caught off guard. Okay, she shouldn’t be, it wasn’t unheard of. But she hadn’t been expecting the other teen. Though it seemed to be they were there for similar reasons.

“Bad dream?”

If it were just repeat dreams of a time before the death of her father, or a Dream? Ilia didn’t know. But she knew that pain and rage.

It was probably a miracle that the bat hadn’t broken with how much Chloe was going after things. She also kicked things as well, just letting things out as she felt them. Though to be honest, she was currently feeling way too much that it was difficult to really express it.

Chloe hadn’t noticed Ilia’s approach, she was too focused on beating the crap out of a busted microwave. However, when she heard Ilia, she turned around to look at her, a little surprised at seeing her there. Chloe didn’t have make-up on either, and she hadn’t even brushed her hair, so she had a serious case of bedhead going, but that was the least of her worries right now.

Her cheeks were streaked with tears, and she was a little worried about that. If only because she didn’t cry very often. At least not like this.

“Yeah,” she responded.

Ilia nodded some. There was no real need to question it. Though she was concerned about the visible signs of Chloe’s crying and just how much. She might not have known her for all that long but if Chloe was anything like her? She didn’t cry often, not to this extent. And given she knew how real the Dreams could feel? It was pretty easy to put it all together.

“Anything I can do?”

Maybe it would help her as well to keep from focusing on her own rage and grief. Dreaming of learning about the cave in, her friends laughing about it and losing control and breaking their teeth. It was still raw. It still hurt.

Chloe had to question why she was dreaming of a life that was...pretty much exactly the same as the life she had here. There were no dragons, no magic or supernatural creatures. She didn’t dream of being in a Galaxy far far away. It was just...boring old mundane life in Arcadia Bay, a city that didn’t exist in this world. But that was the only difference.

Though Chloe was hoping there would be some differences. Like maybe her mom never met and married David in the dreams. Yet given her dad had died in the dreams? She was certain David would show up. Because that was her luck.

“Help tear shit up? I was going to play Train Roulette once I had enough of breaking shit.” Though at this precise moment? Chloe wasn’t 100% certain that she’d actually jump out of the way of the train.

Ilia now officially had it on authority that even if things were different in terms of the world you lived in, there were still parallels - horrible parallels - to the life you were already living. Racism? Check. Death of parents? Check. Following that pattern, it would be finding a group of people she thought she could rely on only to realize they didn’t actually care and were simply using her.

“That I can do.”

Because Ilia had so much anger that breaking things would be good. Though she also would make sure Chloe did jump away from the train if they then decided on that.

If Chloe was paying attention to parallels in the dreams, she’d know that crushing depression and suicide attempts would be next for her. Then drugs and lastly Rachel. But right now, she wasn’t thinking any further than venting her emotions out until she collapsed.

“Here, you can use this if you want,” Chloe said handing the baseball bat over to Ilia. “I think I need to get my hands dirty for a while.” Maybe risk tetanus in the process, but Chloe didn’t exactly care about that. She’d been up to date on her shots before she’d left Tillamook.

Chloe wiped the back of her hand against her cheeks, brushing some tears aside before she looked at the heaps of abandoned junk around them, looking for something to pick up and throw.

Taking the baseball bat, Ilia focused all of her rage and grief into destroying an oven that was in front of her, ignoring the breaking glass. All she could do was picture the Schnee Diamond and Dust companies. The faces of people she once called friend only to realize that they never could be friends, not really.

She couldn’t even put it into words. All she could do was scream each time she hit the oven as she made her voice raw.

There weren’t words that could accurately describe certain pains or angers. Sometimes all that could be done was to scream and destroy things. Chloe did spend a few moments watching Ilia vent before she turned and started digging into things with her bare hands. She picked up some smaller objects and threw them as hard as she could. Though, she had kind of a wimpy throwing arm. She’d been into skateboarding not sports before things had gone to the shitpit in her life.

Gradually, as she was chucking various things into larger items sitting around the junkyard, Chloe started picking up larger and heavier objects. She kicked a rusted out toolbox over, and from the sound it made, it still had some tools inside it. Something Chloe barely noted before kicked the toolbox again, adding to the screaming. She just let loose on the junkyard, having picked up a second wind.

Eventually swinging a bat wasn’t enough and Ilia took to kicking things. Again, not the strongest or any of that. But it was something other than swinging a bat. Screaming. Kicking. Destroying things. It got the anger out but it didn’t bring them back. It didn’t take the parallels from being right there and crushing down on her.

It didn’t change the fact that she knew the next phase was trusting people only for them to use her without actually caring.

Kicking, throwing, generally causing a mess was what Chloe was doing. Of course, one could barely tell that a mess was being made given they were in a junkyard. Which was the entire point, really. This was all junk that no one wanted anymore, and Chloe felt rather at home there. She’d been cast aside multiple times that she felt like she herself was junk. And dreaming about her dad’s death had ripped that wound wide open again. It would no doubt trigger a deep depression in the days to come.

But for now? It was raging. She was stomping on an old toaster oven. She knew none of this would bring her dad back, but it was allowing her to express how she felt without stumbling over her words to express how she felt.

Finally, she bent down and picked up the toaster oven, then chucked it at a pile of junk, causing some of it to avalanche.

Sometimes all that there was to express oneself was action. Ilia knew that. She was bad at expressing herself when it came to feelings and emotions. She’d been a mess the day before and she was still a mess now. But she was also able to put it aside to worry about Chloe. Maybe not healthy but it focused her.

So when the avalanche happened, she jumped back some to avoid getting hit with something given it was where she’d been standing.

“Shit.”

“Shit, sorry,” Chloe apologized. “Didn’t mean to nearly take you out.” The anger and pain had just run away with her and she hadn’t even thought about the possibility of an avalanche happening if she hit a pile of junk just right. At least Ilia hadn’t gotten hurt, that would’ve just made everything worse.

Chloe was huffing and puffing from the exertion. Her smoking habit definitely took its toll on her lungs whenever she exerted herself like this. She’d been healthy and fit once, having been heavily into skateboarding. But smoking had been one of the multiple bad habits she’d picked up after her dad’s death.

“It’s fine. Junkyard piles can be like that.” Or something. Running her fingers through her hair, Ilia looked around some. She wasn’t quite sure on what to do now. While she still had a lot of pent up frustration and pain and could tell Chloe did as well? The near avalanche of junk did sort of pull her from the screaming and destroying. Which her voice probably was thankful for.

“So, what now?” Because they both obviously needed this and whatever else came along. “I’m all yours.” It wasn’t like she had anywhere else to be and this was better than her initial plan. Though knowing them they’d end up at the tracks anyway.

“Yeah, they can.” Some piles were precarious, others were less so. It tended to depend on what things were in said piles. Though Ilia wasn’t the only one pulled out of the moment of screaming and destroying. That fire was not raging anymore at the moment. Now it was time for something else.

“I’m not feeling the destroying at the moment, but I’m too antsy to sit still. Walking the train tracks?” She needed a cigarette as well. But she was grateful for Ilia’s company. She sorely needed it. If she’d remained alone...the chances of her ending up dead before the day was done went up.

“Sure.” That was fine by Ilia. Also since that had been her initial plan. Well more Russian Roulette with a train and feeling adrenaline instead of pain and anger. But walking along the train tracks worked as well. And maybe she’d be able to figure out what was upsetting Chloe. It was better than thinking about her own issues.

So taking Chloe’s hand as she had a feeling the physical contact would help and knowing she could use it herself for some form of being grounded it was heading to the train tracks.

The physical contact was definitely something she needed. She gave Ilia’s hand a squeeze as they headed for the train tracks. Chloe’s head was a mess, her heart was a mess, but she was trying to find something to hold onto, something that made sense in all the chaos. And Ilia made sense.

While they walked, she used her free hand to pull a cigarette out and slip it in her mouth. She lit it up with her lighter, and took a drag from it. Perhaps she should’ve asked if Ilia minded if she smoked before she lit up, but Ilia had never said anything before. She at least blew the smoke away from her, though.

She was silent until they got to the tracks. “I think I’ve been having those dreams people keep talking about. Last night, I dreamt about my dad dying. Again.” It brought tears to her eyes again, but she was trying to not let them fall.

Returning the hand squeeze, Ilia was more than happy to walk in silence or talk. Really whatever Chloe needed in that moment. And maybe what she needed as well. At least in theory. Ilia still didn’t know what it was she needed. As for the smoke? Well. Ilia didn’t pay it much mind. She was used to it and it was clear Chloe was stressed and if it helped her? Then so be it.

And then Chloe’s admission about the Dreams.

“Shit, you too?” Because what else was there to say? So instead she just stopped and tugged Chloe to her and hugged her. While Ilia hadn’t known what she had needed the day before or even now, she knew what it felt like to dream about the death of a parent. Again. Especially if Chloe’s situation was anything like hers where it was the same way.

Chloe wasn’t exactly sure what she needed either. Her head and heart were all a mess, but she wasn’t focusing on anything but the present moment. That was what she could hold onto, and that was all she had the capacity to focus on, save for the times when the memory of being told her dad was gone replayed in her head.

Now, while Chloe was known to be a physical person, she hadn’t expected Ilia to stop and hug her like that. Though she probably should have because what other reaction was there to be if someone said what Chloe had just said? She hugged Ilia back tightly, and the hug was more than enough for Chloe to start crying again.

“Fuck,” she cursed. She didn’t know how else to describe it, but it was unfair. Why did her dad have to die in both lives? It wasn’t fair.

Hey, if Chloe needed to cry then Chloe needed to cry and Ilia would be there for her. So she just held the taller woman and rocked them slightly as she rubbed her back.

“Yeah. Fuck.”

It was all a hot mess. Unfair. Painful and there just weren’t words for it.

No, there definitely weren’t any words for it. Even swear words only went so far as to express the feelings Chloe had. It was like the rug had been tugged out from underneath her all over again, and the wound had been ripped open anew, despite the fact it had never really healed to begin with.

So she just hugged Ilia tightly, crying some of it out.

“It’s so fucking unfair,” she finally said once her crying had calmed down a bit.

Even if Ilia was awkward with words and didn’t always know how to respond to such things, this was something she could do. It was something she had needed all those years ago and it was sometimes the only reaction there was. Crying. Or in her case, holding Chloe so she could get it all out.

Even as the crying had calmed some, Ilia remained as she was, arms around Chloe.

“It really is.”

Chloe may be a physical person, liking hugs, touching, slinging her arm around her friends’ shoulders, that sort of thing. But when she was emotional, hugging was usually the last thing she’d wanted. She’d pushed her mother away at her dad’s funeral, but that was also the day her anger had started. It was the day Max had left and forgotten about her existence.

The one person she’d needed the most had left right when she’d needed her. So Chloe had learned to not trust people, to rely on herself. And yet here and now, she trusted Ilia and wanted the comfort she was offering more than she wanted to be left alone. Partially because Chloe knew if she was left alone, she’d probably end up trying to kill herself.

“Why is the world like this? Like fuck, why do we have to deal with this shit so young?” Chloe asked, some undertones of anger in her voice. And she said ‘we’ because she had heard Ilia say ‘you too’ meaning she had a similar experience.

Ilia had no plans on leaving Chloe alone right now. It was a pain she knew all too well and even if she had been confused and disoriented the day before...even now, she just felt that this was where she needed to be right now, doing this. Blake had offered to give her space or be a buffer for her and so she would do the same for the older teen.

“Fuck if I know. Because it’s cold and uncaring?” Ilia didn’t have an answer. She just knew her parents had died and left her alone. That no one wanted to put up with her except as a means to an end. Yet she still had found some warmth and caring since arriving in Orange County, and even when all her senses screamed at her that they were traps, that she’d be alone and used soon enough… she was going to hold onto them as tightly as she could.

It was probably a good thing that Chloe was sort of swinging back to her anger here. She didn’t do well in the long run if she held onto the pain, and she did always try to grab onto her anger where she could. It was her shield against the world that was cruel and uncaring.

“Fuck the world. It always takes away and gives a lot of shit.” Chloe hadn’t experienced the things Ilia had, but she knew abandonment. She knew what it was like to be forgotten by people she loved. Max. Rachel. Step-fucker had hit her once, and that was the last straw and what made her finally leave Tillamook and ultimately end up here. “But fuck, I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle this a second time around. I couldn’t handle it the first time.”

Which was evidenced by the scars on her wrists, evidence of attempts at suicide that had clearly failed. She turned her wrists over to look at the scars, ones she was sure that Ilia had noticed in their time together, but they hadn’t talked about them. It wasn’t always easy to talk about wanting to die.

Anger was definitely easier to handle at times than other emotions, Ilia definitely understood that. It had been Ilia’s shield for so long now that sometimes it felt like she didn’t know who she would be if she didn’t have that anger. It may not always be at the surface, there were people who were good at making her forget it and feel other things… or it wasn’t as prominent. But the anger was always there.

“Fuck the world.” It was something she could easily agree with. Though the next thing Chloe said both worried her but she also understood it because she honestly didn’t know how she was going to deal with the death of her parents all over again. She was just distracting herself really. “You don’t have to handle it alone. You have me if you want me, however you need me.”

Her voice was more raw than usual, more vulnerable than she might normally say such a thing. But given her own dreams and anger and the conversation.. .well, Chloe was good at getting Ilia’s more vulnerable and raw side to come out.

The concept of having someone there when she needed them was foreign to her. After all, Max had left and forgotten about her, and she hadn’t met Rachel when her father had first died. So she didn’t have anyone other than herself. Sure her mom was there, but she couldn’t exactly articulate what she was feeling, so she’d shut her out and let herself fall.

“I want you, I definitely want you,” Chloe responded. While it could be construed as meaning in the physical sense, that wasn’t how Chloe had meant it, though she was definitely attracted to Ilia but that was not what she was focusing on right now. “I just...am not the best at articulating shit in my head, but I definitely don’t want to be alone. But it helps being around someone who gets it without having to explain it.”

“Then you have me.” Ilia didn’t really care how Chloe meant in that moment. If it had turned into sex so they could feel something else, she was fine with that. If it was just being there as they were? She was okay with that, too. And somewhere in the back of her mind...she preferred it. That there was more than just sex and distractions. That the realness was there even in times like this.

“You think I’m much better at it? Please. But yeah. Being around someone who gets it without having to find the words? It’s a big thing.”

“Good, good. I like having you here.” Chloe wasn’t really wanting sex, she wasn’t in the mood for it. Even if she wanted to feel something else, that wasn’t the something else she wanted right now. She just...wanted the company. She wanted the closeness and the understanding.

“It really is. I’m really glad that I met you, Ilia. As shitty as the experience is, it’s good to know there’s someone else out there who gets it.” Chloe slid her arm around Ilia’s shoulders. Then an idea hit her. “What do you say to taking a little hike? I found a great spot that overlooks the ocean. Maybe we could hang out there for a while?” Just...laying around gazing at the horizon, maybe some snuggling. But mostly just time spent being together.

Company, closeness and understanding were definitely things Ilia could provide in this. Things she was more than happy to provide, really.

“I’m glad I met you, too.” Who knew where she’d be if she hadn’t met Chloe or Blake. Maybe not dealing with the dreams but she was finding people to hold onto. Yes that terrified her and was easier to wait for them to use her and then be done with her…. But she was going to hold onto those life lines because she knew she needed them, even with the exterior she put forth.

“A hike and hanging out sounds great to me.”