Is the wine alright?
Who: Yang and Li What: Drunken talks When: May 9th Where: Li's Rating: PG-13 Status: complete Yang was a mess when she turned up at Li’s door. She at least texted ahead, but she already had a couple of beers in her and a string of texts to Ruby she’d probably regret later.
It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair. She wasn’t entirely sure what was and was not fair right at the moment. But she just knew it wasn’t fair. And Blake was the one she needed right now for comfort, and it wasn’t like she could call her up. And it was worse because she wanted to be the one to comfort Blake. That’s what friends did, that’s what family did and it was like her family had split apart.
And it wasn’t like she didn’t get it. She got it. (Mostly, she definitely didn’t get how someone could be so evil as to hurt Blake so badly that…). But she got it.
She’d actually considered looking for her mom. Not Raven. God no. But Summer. Summer was supermom, she’d fix everything with her hugs. Or at least make it hurt less.
Did she knock? Just in case she knocked again.
Li was worried about Yang. So after getting the initial text and clearing it with Ahsoka, she’d texted with Yang for a while. Then it was simply just waiting until her friend arrived. And she expected it to be bad, with how the texts had been sounding it couldn’t be anything else. So when she heard the knock, she got up and answered the door, a sympathetic smile on her face. She didn’t even say anything, she just opened her arms, an invitation for a hug if Yang wanted one.
It was exactly what Yang needed. She dropped her empty can and wrapped her arms around Li in a crushing hug, burying her face into the side of her neck as she fought back a sob.
She felt so guilty. For feeling this way. For hurting, when Blake was the one who was hurting. Guilty for loving her, which was why she’d tried so hard to not bring that up when she’d texted Ruby. As if she shouldn’t, wasn’t supposed to, wasn’t allowed to even think about that part of it.
Li didn’t care about the crushing part of the hug, she could take it. She wrapped her arms around Yang and hugged her back tightly. She gently rubbed her back, trying to give her as much comfort as she possibly could and silently letting her know that she was there for her.
It was hard to not break down, in the way she couldn’t on Blake or wouldn’t on Ruby. Li...Yang felt like Li might not judge. Which was stupid, she new Ruby or Blake weren’t the kind to judge, but she was raw and emotional and lost and so she was a little irrational. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for, Yang. I’m here when you need me in whatever capacity you need me in.” Li definitely wouldn’t judge. While she didn’t understand the situation, she’d never had someone she loved tell her to stay away from her, she could understand pain. So she just wanted to help however she could.
Vaguely, Yang realized she sounded kind of crazy stalkerish, even though in context it really wasn’t. “It’s...really complicated. I just want to… talk and… hug and drink.” Mostly the latter two but Li deserved some kind of explanation.
“Of course, whatever you need, Yang.” Li said. She wasn’t expecting an explanation, she just wanted to do whatever she could to help her friend. And if that meant listening, hugging and letting her drink as much as she wanted? She would do it.
“Probably wasn’t your..plan for the night.” Yang ran her fingers through her hair, which seemed to be less vibrant than usual. She wobbled on her feet, then stepped inside. She didn’t even know what time it was anymore, she’d driven around for what felt like hours before she’d stopped to buy a beer. And then another. And then she’d had the sense to just get an uber to come here, at least.
“It doesn’t matter. You’re what matters, Yang.” After Yang came in, she closed the door. “Can I get you something? I don’t think we have beer, but there should be some wine and some hard liquor of some sort?” Li would have to double check the cupboard. She didn’t drink much, but she tended to keep a couple bottles of something around for company.
It was nice to matter to someone, a cruel voice said. It sounded like her mother. Yang shook it off, and made her way to Li’s couch. “That’s good. Not.. too much too fast.”
Yang was the partier, but she’d always been the responsible partier. Even now, with her heart in tatters, she couldn’t bring herself to lose herself. Not yet anyway. Not entirely. She didn’t want to be the kind of person who became a bad person when she drank, and she always worried she would.
But maybe a glass. Or six.
Li nodded a bit, going and grabbing the bottle of wine and a glass before bringing them over to Yang. She’d opt to stay sober just so she could better try and comfort Yang. She sat down on the couch beside Yang and wrapped a comforting arm around her. “You can stay here as long as you need, okay?”
“Thanks.” She too the wine, and looked into the glass for a long moment before sipping it. It was more tart than she’d expected, which suited her mood a lot better than she’d expected it would be.
“You’re welcome.” She squeezed Yang a little, then rubbed her back soothingly again. Li wasn’t sure what to say, this wasn’t a situation she really had experience with. “Is the wine alright?”
“Tart. It’s okay. Everything about my life is bitter right now.” Yang grinned, even if the puns fell a bit flat. She was… trying.
Li caught the pun, a bit of a smile on her face. “Well, at least the wine isn’t terrible.” The alcohol they had was an odd sort of collection, mostly tailored to things that Ahsoka could drink. “I’d offer you some Guinness beer, but I’m not sure if we have any.”
“It’s okay. Bet we could get some. But wine’ll do.” Yang lifted her glass in a mock toast, then took another sip. She closed her eyes and swayed, feeling warmer. She wanted distance from her problems. She wanted to hear something good, so she asked, “How are you and Ahsoka?”
“We probably could.” Li wasn’t against going out and buying some if Yang wanted. Or seeing if Ahsoka would. But for now, this was good. “We’re doing well. I’m looking at joining an orchestra professionally, but openings for violinists are difficult to come by lately.” It would be nice to have that money coming in, but there was only so much she could do when there weren’t openings to be found.
“Just need to have Ahsoka mind trick some conductor,” Yang suggested, though she wasn’t really serious and she knew Ahsoka would never. Probably. But the idea of taking away someone’s choice was kind of distasteful. She finished half of her wine, “But you’ll find something, Li. You’re so good, I don’t see how you won’t.”
“I have considered that,” she said with a smile. Though she actually hadn’t. Li wanted to get a spot due to her own merit, not because Ahsoka mind tricked someone. “Thank you, I’m sure I will. I just have to keep looking.”
Yang had meant mostly to fire someone, so there’d be a spot for Li to try out for, but she’d get the whole own merit thing. She reached over and patted Li’s leg. At least one of her friend’s lives wasn’t a total mess. At least Li knew what she wanted to do. Yang was listless, adrift at sea. And now her biggest anchor had been cut. But what was light without shadow?
She didn’t think there was anyone from Li’s dreams that she’d loved, so she knew she couldn’t relate in that way. But she was glad she was here to listen. “Li? Did you always know you wanted to make music?”
Li shrugged a bit. “I never wanted anything else because I didn’t know anything else. My parents gave me a violin about as soon as I could walk and never let me do anything other than music. Music was a way of life and I grew to want nothing else.” She supposed it was better than being forced to become a doctor or something. She would make a terrible doctor.
“But you like it, right? It’s something you wanted?” Yang was horrified by the idea that Li might have never had a choice. Yang might be adrift but at least she had the choice. Maybe she was suddenly a little less jealous of Li’s focus. She held her glass out for more.
“I grew to like it, yes. I didn’t like it when I was little and wanted to go play with friends and my parents made me practice instead. Now I can’t imagine what else I would even do with my life if I didn’t have music.” Li shrugged again. “But you know, I wasn’t supposed to like women either. I was supposed to marry some boy my parents chose for me.” She rolled her eyes. Arranged marriages had never been Li’s thing, and she’d hated when her parents kept trying to force the issue once she’d gotten old enough.
In some ways, she was grateful to her parents for giving her the laser focus on her music. In most others, she resented them for rejecting pretty much everything else about her.
“I’m… I’m glad you grew to love it, and that you didn’t let yourself… not love who you wanted to love.” Yang had at one time nursed a crush on Li, and in her inebriated state she was liable to say something stupid, so she bit her tongue.
“Did you… figure out who you were? Without the music?”
“I didn’t care what my parents thought about my being with Ahsoka. I had always resented that they wanted to put me into an arranged marriage, so it was freeing to tell them that I wanted Ahsoka. Of course, it still hurt when they rejected me and disowned me. It still hurts sometimes.” Though Li didn’t really think about it much. She had other things to think about, such as marrying Ahsoka. And then there was that whole hearing Diablo whispering to her thing.
“I...haven’t actually thought about that much? I mean, once I started dreaming and getting my magic, I’ve been focused on controlling my magic abilities. And I have...lingering problems from my dreams.” Li was definitely afraid these lingering problems would one day kill her. Or turn her into a demon, and then she’d be lost the same way that Leah had been lost.
“I’m sorry your parents are total jerks,” Yang said, leaning over and putting her glass on the table before she dropped it. Everything felt fuzzy, and she liked it. She’d moved past everything and straight to numb. She hoped she stayed numb forever.
She detached her arm and looked at it. “Lingering problems suck too.”
“Thanks, though they made their own bed. I have who I need here, I don’t need them.” Though Li would like it if Leah was where as well. At least she’d have a chance at living in one life.
She looked at Yang’s arm when she detached it. She still remembered when Yang had woken up after losing her arm. It wasn’t a memory she liked thinking about. “Yes, they do. Though some are rather more fatal than others.” The more she thought about it, the more having some alcohol sounded really good. Li’s fears ran deep about what her future held, but she was good about pushing them aside. Though she knew Ahsoka could sense it.
Smacking her own cheek lightly and repeatedly with the palm of her detached arm, Yang considered that. “Sounds like something you’re not ready to talk to Ahsoka about, huh?”
“I have a little, but it’s difficult to explain. In my world, the more you fight demons, the more corrupted you become by them. Their effects on a person is lasting and very final, even if it takes years for death to come, it always does. Some people go mad with a zealous desire to destroy evil that they end up destroying everyone who doesn’t agree with them. Some people are turned into demons themselves. Others die horribly. There is no such thing as a happy ending for the heroes in my world who have faced the forces of the Burning Hells. I just have yet to learn what my end will be.” Li explained.
Li had her suspicions that her end would probably be turning into a demon. Or becoming Diablo’s new vessel. She could feel something stirring in her blood, but she did her best to ignore it. After all, there was nothing to be done to stop it except for her to die. And she wasn’t ready to die yet.
That sounded awful, and Yang wasn’t sober enough to censor her words, “So in your dreams you’re gonna end up evil or tormented for eternity? That’s… so not fair.” She leaned over to Li, taking her hand with her intact one. “It’s not fair, it’s not fucking fair.”
And it was a nebulous statement. A lot of things weren’t fair. What Li had faced and may yet face, what had happened to Yang, the trials that Ahsoka had gone through. And Blake, Blake.
“Why does life suck so much?”
“The best possible outcome is that I die sooner rather than later.” Li squeezed Yang’s hand. “No, it is not fair, but if given the choice, I would gladly suffer whatever end is in store for me a thousand times over because of the lives I saved while fighting.” Though it was not lost on Li that if she turned evil, she could take nearly as many lives as she’d saved.
“I don’t think life sucks. It is merely what we do with the challenges thrown at us and how we overcome them that ultimately determine whether life sucks or not. Sometimes we come out for the better, sometimes not.”
“Ever thought of ending it?” Yang’s voice was plaintive, and while she wasn’t actually there right now, she had been a few times during her recovery, and she had thoughts about that once in awhile still. To be less of a burden, to just give up. “Just… wish there was more better than not. Feels like… feels like I was standing on a bridge and it fell out from underneath me.”
“No. But I know if I feel myself becoming evil in some way, I most likely will kill myself to save everyone else the trouble.” Li said. She’d never been clinically depressed, at least not diagnosed as such, and while she had intense guilt over what happened to Leah, she’d never been in a place to consider killing herself in either life. Li was the type who carried her problems internally and kept them to herself as much as possible.
“I know it’s hard, but things will balance themselves out again. They will get better, you just have to keep working at it. If you don’t, things will never get better and only get worse.”
Yang nodded, rocking a little side to side. She squeezed her eyes shut, shedding a few tired tears. “I don’t… I don’t know what tomorrow will feel like. Or the day after. But I have to just.. take it a day at a time. I’m really glad you’re my friend. I can’t..I can’t dump any of this on Ruby or Weiss.”
Li rubbed Yang’s back soothingly. “Taking it one day at a time is all any of us can do.” While there might be people in Orange County who could foretell the future, Li wasn’t one of them. “I’m here for you, Yang. Whatever you need.”
“...don’t suppose you have a cute sister?” Yang asked, smiling. “I’m kidding.” She’d tried. More than once in recent months. To pick someone up at a bar or club to dance with or make out with or more. Or just to hold.
Only she always ended up consumed with guilt and conflict and her own damn heart betraying her.
She reattached her arm, “...can we put on a movie? And send your girl to get us some food. I’m thinking some more wine and… I need something good with like… no romance.”
She wondered if Blake had ever learned enough French for that old book she’d gotten her. It had seemed rude to ask after awhile, and then the whole, I love you thing happened and it suddenly became worse than rude to ask. She’d felt like it was a good gift at the time...
“Maybe even nothing with the power of friendship,” she decided.
Li just chuckled softly. She was an only child, so she had nothing to offer in that respect. “Of course we can put on a movie. I’ll have Ahsoka go get some food and pick up more wine. Though as for the movie, that leaves us with...horror movies?” It seemed like horror had less of the romance and power of friendship themes in it.
“Horror sounds good,” Yang agreed. Maybe they could watch something that was worse than their lives.