Chloe Price hates emojis (no_emoji) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2018-04-01 22:33:00 |
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Chloe had seen Max’s post on Valarnet, and she hadn’t wanted to flip tables so quickly in a long time. Of course she’d come to Orange County and find that this had been where Rachel had run off to. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Max fucking Caulfield was also here, and had been here for an entire semester, apparently. That post had set her off. She’d nearly left a comment, but decided that since Max saw fit to ignore her existence for five years, she could return the favor.
After that, she’d driven around until she found a junkyard. No one gave a shit if someone trashed a junkyard. She started going through the junkyard until she found an old golf club. A baseball bat would’ve been better, but she could make do.
“Fuck you, Max.” She swung the golf club and took out an old toy robot. “Still fucking calling me a fucking friend when you couldn’t even call me back or reply to my emails and messages.” She took another swing, pulverizing another piece of junk followed by another and another. “You didn’t give a shit about me, and you weren’t fucking there when I fucking needed you!!”
Chloe stalked around the junkyard, hitting everything she could with the golf club and swinging it as hard as she could. “Where were you when I tried to kill myself?!” She continued to scream and hit things until the golf club got bent bad enough that it didn’t really do much anymore.
“Fuck you!!” She cursed at the golf club as she threw it aside. That was when she heard a train whistle in the distance. That was almost like a siren call to her. Chloe made her way through the junkyard and spotted train tracks not that far from it. “Oh, fuck yes.” Perhaps a game of cat-and-mouse with a train would help. She was still feeling smashy, but she could use the rush of adrenaline from daring a train to run her down.
She made her way towards the tracks and looked this way and that, trying to gauge which direction the train was coming from. Her throat was a bit raw from the yelling and screaming she’d already done, but she wasn’t going to let that deter her from doing more as needed.
Getting onto the tracks, she started walking along them, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up, smoking as she went. She wasn’t exactly expecting to run into anyone, though she wondered if she’d magically run into Rachel tonight, like she had the previous night.
Or, as her luck would undoubtedly have it, she’d run into Max. And that would be the last thing she wanted to happen tonight.
Ilia was trying. She really was. While the teen still wasn’t sure what to make of everything, she was trying to make better choices than the ones she’d made before. It wasn’t easy but the theory had been that if she just had somewhere safe for once to go, it would be okay. But then she had posted on the network (figuring it was one of the necessary things so that she’d be able to stay at Logan’s until she had enough money and could get her own place) and spoke with some rich white girl who seemed familiar and was acting like her life was just so hard. That had been annoying. But it was what Blake had said that had changed everything.
Because the poor white rich girl? Was the daughter and heiress to the Schnee Diamond Company. Upon learning that, something had changed. The anger she always felt seemed at a breaking point. So she had closed herself off. No matter the pain she was in about having spoken to the heir of the company that had killed her parents, she wouldn’t blame the messenger. She actually liked Blake and didn’t want to scare her away. Or well, liked her as much as Ilia liked anyone she barely knew. Either way, it wasn’t Blake’s fault, she didn’t know what the Schnees had done to her.
So each day, she had been quiet, that anger and rage simmering just beneath the surface. She would find things to do to channel it but the rage never went away. This had been going on for four days now. Four days of silence beyond short responses. No one had pushed and she was grateful because Ilia wasn’t sure she’d be able to contain her temper.
But it was getting to be too much, and so she had left with some comment about how she’d be back later. Her stuff was still there at Logan’s after all, she couldn’t leave without it. And hopefully it wouldn’t be on the lawn when she got back. Not that it wouldn’t be the first time. Even so, Ilia had just...wandered. She needed to move. She needed to do something and at some point she eventually found railroad tracks. They were familiar to her, something that was the same no matter where in the country you were. Somewhere she used to go when she was so angry she needed to get it out and so she’d scream as trains went by.
She’d been there for a few hours already, screaming as a freight train went by. Cursing everything, but especially the Schnee Diamond Company. But she still felt that pent up anger, the one that had been simmering that she had done her best to keep beneath the surface so as not to lose her current room. So she remained where she was, walking on empty tracks once it was safe to do so in order to jump off when another train came by and to scream again.
Ilia lost track of time as she walked on the tracks, just following them but somewhere in the distance she could hear a new train whistle. But her attention was then caught by the orange glow of someone smoking in the dark and realized she wasn’t the only one screaming at trains. If she judged the sound, there was still a bit of time before they would need to jump off the tracks.
Not that she knew what to say or do.
“Hey.”
So that would do for now. It was too dark to see who it was immediately but that didn’t matter. A lot didn’t matter. Ilia was a bit too preoccupied by her anger to have the highest sense of personal safety at the moment.
Chloe hadn’t anticipated anyone else being on the tracks like this that wasn’t Rachel. But even then, Rachel wouldn’t be walking on them, she’d be beside them. Chloe wondered if her being on the tracks like this would make Rachel nervous given her history. But anyway, she looked towards where the voice came from. It was dark so she couldn’t see that well, but she did see someone there.
“Hey,” she said as she exhaled some smoke. “So, guess I’m not the only one who came to play Russian roulette with trains tonight?” She asked. It was only somewhat of a joke. While Chloe wasn’t planning on trying to commit suicide by train, she most certainly was going to try for the rush of adrenaline in jumping out of the way at the last second.
Did anyone really expect to see others walking along train tracks at night? Because Ilia hadn’t expected to run into anyone out here as well. She’d screamed and had still felt a need to move and do so again, so she was walking until another train came by. Still in the distance, but close enough to hear. She certainly hadn’t expected company. Not like she cared. Let this other person think her insane but given she was doing the same?
Honestly she just wanted to forget for a while. To channel her rage into something, anything. To just not feel it drowning her. So what if it made her do reckless and dangerous things like walk along train tracks?
“Guess not. Seemed as good a way to feel something different for once as any other.”
Perhaps it was the darkness and the whole chance meeting to make her open up even that much. Or the fact that no one just came out to play Russian Roulette with a train unless they were trying to escape their own dark feelings, so saying even that much wouldn’t be nearly as shocking or revealing as it might be to someone else in a completely different setting.
That was definitely not shocking to Chloe. She more than understood that feeling. The suicide attempt aside, she did play Russian Roulette with a train to feel something other than the abyss of grief and pain inside of her. Anger tended to come and go faster than she liked it to, and she hated falling into the abyss.
“I completely understand. Sometimes you just need to escape the pain in anyway you can.”
Chloe stepped up on the rail, balancing a bit. At least tonight she wasn’t suicidal, she was just looking to jump out of the way at the last minute and possibly scream. Her anger was fading a bit, and she didn’t like where the downward swing was going to go. She was offended by Max still calling her a friend despite having not acknowledged her existence for five long, painful years.
The abyss could be a very dangerous place to fall. It was one of the reasons that Ilia held onto her anger. It was easier to handle, at least so long as she had something to focus it on. But even then she got tired of it. Hence why she was out right now, waiting to see if jumping out of the way of an oncoming train and screaming once again in rage would lessen it and let her feel something else for a change.
“Exactly.”
Following the lead of the other teen, Ilia got on the ledge as well, finding balance easily enough.
“Alone, with others. Just something to escape it.”
Which could be dangerous in its own right, but who was really paying attention?
Chloe’s coping mechanisms weren’t exactly healthy ones. Besides Russian Roulette with trains, she’d turned to smoking weed to give her a high when she needed it. Sometimes her relationship with Rachel hadn’t been the best, they were both made of fire and they both got burned when they fought. Then there was the fact she’d gotten other drugs from Katou shortly after she’d arrived here.
And Chloe would be lying if she said she wasn’t considering buying more from him. She was on the edge there, and if she went down, she didn’t care if she didn’t come back up.
“Fuck yes,” she said, taking a drag from her cigarette. “Loud music and dancing in clubs. Alcohol. Weed. Trains. Even sex sometimes.” Even though Chloe had only drowned herself out with sex with two people, one of them being Rachel, the other being a one night stand with Jaina.
Ilia didn’t judge. Why would she when she wasn’t known for healthy coping mechanisms herself? Most of it was anger related but if it helped then it helped. She never really had any sort of influence or anything to give her other options. Just the gang, illegal activity. Sure, they protected one another but it wasn’t always healthy or safe. Ilia was just now learning to stand up for herself in that regard. It was why she was here instead of still in Arkansas taking the blame for things and following them around. Even when sometimes she still missed them. How could she not?
“Yes to all of it. Some more common than others, easier to come by,” Being out in Arkansas was a risk on a good day. She had a lot of ‘strikes’ against her in that regard but Ilia didn’t care. “Anything to not feel this rage and something else, better, for however long. To not hide who you are.”
That sometimes was even worse than the anger. Having to hide her true self because it wasn’t safe for her to actually be open about her sexuality as that was something she could hide. She couldn’t exactly hide the color of her skin after all.
Chloe had to smile as she spun around on the rail. “Hella yes, I completely agree with that. I tend to need to feel something other than the numbness inside.” She looked over at her companion. “Some things are definitely easier to come by, and cheaper.” Drugs tended to require money which Chloe didn’t always have.
She heard the train whistle again. It was getting closer. “Gotta say, I’ve never played this game with a partner before.” She was actually a little excited, already feeling the adrenaline starting to pump as the train was drawing nearer to them. She took another drag from her cigarette before she flicked it to the ground, then crushed it under her boot.
Chloe spun and Ilia jumped to the other side of the track, maintaining her balance before jumping back to be opposite the taller teen. “Anger replaces numbness. Not the greatest feeling but…” better than numbness, which it seemed Chloe understood. That and the fact that some things were easier and cheaper to come by. Because that was definitely something Ilia understood. A lack of money to get even the necessary things let alone things to take off the edge. “Exactly.”
The train whistle caused the anger and need to scream to well up, which was the point. Jump and curse the Schnee Diamond Company at the same time. This time with a partner. “Me either.”
“Better than nothing at all,” Chloe said, filling in the blank that Ilia had left in her statement. She was more than ready for this train to come. She wanted the rush, needed the rush. She’d been toying with messaging Katou about getting more drugs from him earlier. But at the moment, that was still on the back burner.
“Then we’ll find out if it’s better with a partner or not.” Chloe grinned a bit. Of course, that was a loaded statement as there were multiple things that were better with a partner. But right now, she cared about feeling the shift in emotions, feeling the adrenaline spike within her.
“Exactly.” A fact that not many people seemed to understand. Which wasn’t anything new for Ilia. Strangers in the night though? Sometimes they understood because there were no preconceptions. A face and voice in shadow, not real. Even if the conversations were. Whatever the case, Ilia wasn’t going to complain.
“That we will.” Ilia grinned despite the anger at everything that was coming back. But there was also excitement, adrenaline. And there it was. The train. As she heard its horn go again, she screamed.
“Fuck the Schnee Diamond Company!”
At the same time she screamed all her rage and pain into the statement, she also jumped - hand towards Chloe to take so that they both would miss the train and end up on the ground together instead, the rush from that along with the screaming erasing the pain and anger in that moment.
The conversations at night on railroad tracks tended to be the most real ones. Chloe still remembered when Rachel had found her when she’d intended to die by train. That night hung vividly in her mind, in how Rachel actually gave a damn if she lived or died. That had been an honest conversation. And this conversation now was also real and honest.
Chloe liked that. After everything that had happened in her life, she needed real and honest, more emphasis on the honest of late.
When the train came and blared it’s horn again, Chloe looked at it. She thought about Max.
“Fuck you, Maxine Caulfield!” She screamed out in anger and letting it go. She took Ilia’s hand and leapt out of the way of the oncoming train. She crashed to the ground, except she didn’t completely land on the ground. She landed on Ilia.
And she was certain her free hand was on her skin.
Oh. Oh crap. She felt a gay panic coming on as she was looking at Ilia.
Real and honest were things that Ilia strove to be. Sure, she kept things bottled up - the anger, her sexuality - but she always tried to be honest in conversation once she got to know people. Or in the veil of darkness, either way. There were just certain bonds that came from these conversations if paths crossed again.
Feeling the hand in hers, Ilia squeezed it as they were in the air, and then landed on her back, heart racing breathing quick. At least until she realized that there was a hand touching skin and Chloe was on top of her (the light from the train also helped to actually see her briefly.
Then her breath catched and a shiver (the good kind) ran down her spin. Still, she did nothing to move from her position, eyes scanning Chloe’s features, absently biting her lower lip.
Oh, Chloe knew that breath hitch. It was definitely something that made her swallow past a little lump in her throat. And she finally got a decent look at Ilia, thanks to the light from the train, and her outfit had briefly registered in her brain. Though she was a little more distracted by those lips.
Don’t say something stupid. Don’t say something stupid. She internally chastised herself. She licked her lips, studying Ilia’s features. And then, well, Chloe wasn’t one to pass up taking risks. So she decided to kiss Ilia and see what happened. Somehow she doubted that it would end in the bad kind of flames. And she leaned in and kissed Ilia.
Yeah, Ilia’s gaze definitely went to Chloe’s throat as she swallowed. It was hard to say exactly the motivation. It could be the adrenaline still running through her from the jump, or the open honesty that the two had been using in their conversation that made her feel closer to Chloe than she might have otherwise and thus being more open to her. Whatever it was, Ilia couldn’t exactly ignore it.
Even if her brain was telling her not to be ridiculous because just because Chloe said that sometimes sex was good for distractions didn’t mean sex with someone like her, since who was to say that Chloe was even interested in women.
Or she could be kissed and that self admonishment disappeared as the younger teen returned the kiss, leaning up to close the slight distance between them.
Now, Chloe had experience with guys, but she was way more into girls as she’d discovered after meeting Rachel. Sometimes a guy could still turn her head, but girls did it far more often. And, well, Ilia was catching Chloe’s eyes currently. She’d actually like a better look at her in more decent light, but she didn’t precisely want to move just yet.
Chloe leaned into Ilia as she kissed her. She hadn’t exactly been certain of Ilia’s sexual preference until she’d heard how her breath had caught after she’d landed on top of her. And that had told her everything she’d needed to know in that moment.
After several moments, she broke the kiss enough to look down at Ilia. And now her earlier thoughts of getting her hands on drugs had dissipated. She wanted something else now, something that was always better than drugs.
“So, still looking to feel something different?” Yes, she was offering sex.
This was definitely a different feeling from all she’d been feeling prior and Ilia was not complaining. No, instead she was just acting on instinct, falling into the kiss and focusing just on those feelings, trying to meld their bodies together in a sense as the kiss went on, fingers looping into the belt loops to press closer to the taller teen. So much in fact, that by the point Chloe broke the kiss, Ilia was both breathless but also whined in disappointment that Chloe had pulled away.
At least briefly. Because it was clear to Ilia what was being offered. An offer she wasn’t about to turn down, not in the slightest. There was more than just adrenaline at the moment and she wanted to hold onto the feeling. As such, Ilia used her leverage to reverse positions so that she was straddling Chloe while sitting up right and taking off her top to toss to the side. That done, Ilia pressed her hips down ever so slightly in a rocking motion as she leaned down, bra strap falling down her shoulder as she nipped the pulse point on Chloe’s neck and then whispered into her ear.
“Does that answer your question?”
When Ilia reversed their position, Chloe sort of stared as she watched her take her top off. It only heightened the attraction and the emotion of the moment. “Fuck yes it does,” she whispered in return as she grazed her nails up along Ilia’s back.
It was easy to lose herself in Ilia. The sex was rough and raw and emotionally charged, and definitely just what she needed. It helped release some of the other pent up emotions, and even made her forget what had brought her out here in the first place. It gave her a high that was better than any drug. Sex definitely was good for a high and feeling something other than numbness and pain.
Chloe had left her marks on Ilia, bruises and scratches. After they’d finished, Chloe needed to catch her breath, but she felt entirely alive in that moment, her body seeming to hum, especially where Ilia had left her marks on her.
“Damn, now that’s a release,” she quipped with a lazy grin.
The nails down the back had caused Ilia to arch and stretch along the path as she’d always been flexible. Either way, it was clear that both were on the same page and that was certainly a relief because after throwing away her shirt like that, Ilia had exposed herself in a completely different way than she already had with their train track conversations.
Either way, it was easy for Ilia as well to lose herself in Chloe. With the raw emotions and how charged everything already was? Sometimes there was only the physical responses and oh Ilia made sure to listen and learn her current partner’s intonations to see just what to do and to feel overcome with emotions and fire and electricity.
Once it seemed they had both finally reached a point of release (she may have lost count) and a definite need to breathe, Ilia curled up beside Chloe, and just watched her. She could already feel the bruises and scratches and knew she’d left her own but it was the good type of pain, pleasure coursing through her even as she started to catch her breath.
“No kidding.”
Despite the coolness of the night air, Ilia’s hair was sticking to her neck and face from sweat. Still, she returned the grin with one of her own.
That was the thing that Chloe had learned about sex, it exposed you in different ways. But she was never one to turn it down, especially when there was mutual attraction and consent. Chloe had had empty, meaningless sex, though it had been years since then. She’d had emotionally charged sex in many different lights with Rachel. Jaina had also been a need to feel something other than numbness. But this time with Ilia? It was fiery and intense and rough, but there was a mutual understanding.
They may not have told each other their life stories before engaging in sex, but it was obvious from the things that had been said both of them had been through shit. And they both clearly needed something that wasn’t complete shit.
Now, Chloe may not necessarily look like it, but she was definitely a cuddle bug when given the chance. She gazed at Ilia, tentatively slipping her arm out and inviting Ilia closer for snuggling purposes. She left that choice up to her. Chloe’s hair wasn’t as long as Ilia’s, but strands were still stuck to her face and chin.
“I suppose there needs to be a new term to this Russian Roulette with trains followed by sex. Suggestions?” She chuckled a little bit.
Ilia’s experiences with sex were fewer. Then again, grow up in a small town in Arkansas, plus being in a gang and while also being lesbian tended to make there be fewer choices available. So frantic moments full of desperation and need but that went nowhere had been her lot in life. Which was fine, because even those moments had given her a reprieve from the hell of her foster family. So being able to more thoroughly explore Chloe and the sex had been a whole different experience and one she liked.
The mutual understanding and previous conversations just seemed to add to all of that.
Nor was cuddling ever something she had the opportunity to do before, yet Ilia was more than happy to take the open invitation and curled up against Chloe and nuzzled her head against her shoulder, legs getting wrapped around one another as she trailed her fingers along Chloe’s side. This was…. Nice. And even with the height difference, they seemed to fit well.
“Hmm…. Sex Roulette probably wouldn’t work since that is more who your partner will be…” But if they were coming up with terms, that meant it wasn’t going to be a one time thing. Right? Ilia certainly hoped it wouldn’t be.
As much as Chloe had needed smashing shit in the junkyard, Train Roulette and the sex, she also needed the cuddling. She liked feeling connected to someone like that. Chloe seriously missed just snuggling with Rachel and staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom as it was illuminated by a globe of stars. She also missed just snuggling outside and staring up at the real stars. So as Ilia snuggled up to her, she wrapped her arm around her and held her close, her fingers trailing along Ilia’s shoulder.
Chloe had to laugh a little bit. “Sex Roulette actually sounds like an awesome name.” Which it did. And while she had no idea what would happen with Rachel, Chloe was definitely open to doing this again. Unlike with Jaina, this didn’t have the one time feel to it. There was a connection there, an understanding that went more than skin-deep. “Sex Train? I did kind of lose count there…”
Which was definitely not a bad thing. On the contrary, it added to it. These were the moments that made life enjoyable for a brief moment in time.
Life was like that. There could be a lot of things that were needed, either separately or all at once. Or in quick succession as it had been for Chloe. For Ilia, it was more about experiencing new things - like cuddling. For someone suspicious most people and ready to fight at the drop of the hat, she definitely did like this cuddling thing. Plus, with the location they were in, away from the city and with no trains for another few hours… well, it was a nice view of the sky as well.
“The best kind of losing count. But Sex Train, I like. Sex train baby.”
Grinning some as she did the ‘love shack’ tune for the sex train, Ilia looked up at the sky, feeling content for the time being - something she rarely ever truly felt.
“And it beats a dingy bathroom stall anyday.”
This was definitely a place Chloe loved. She’d gotten away from the city back in Oregon just to be alone. But it was always better having company sometimes. Like right now with Ilia there. Chloe more than loved the fact that Ilia wanted to cuddle like this. It made her feel good, made her feel wanted, which was a feeling that had been sorely lacking of late. And in the past five years, most of the time Rachel seemed to have been the only person who wanted Chloe around. No one else really gave a damn.
“Oh my god,” Chloe said with a laugh. “Best reference ever.” Because really, who hadn’t heard the ‘love shack’ song? “Sex Train it is then.”
Chloe drew in a deep breath and gazed up at the stars. She loved looking at them. And at least no one else was around to disturb them so they could keep this moment for a while.
“Can’t say I’ve ever had sex in a bathroom stall, but I think most places beat that. Unless you’re trying to stick it to whatever building you’re in, of course, then it’s fine. But this...beats quite a lot of places, to be honest.”
There was something to the cuddling, that it had been more than just reckless sex outside where anyone could feasibly come upon them. Not likely as they were isolated and near no major roads and it was just ground and grass and open skies. But one never really knew and Ilia honestly didn’t care about that. She just cared about the feelings and sensations and now the cuddling. She could get used to the cuddling.
“It was right there, it would have been wrong to let the reference slide. But Sex Train it is.”
Seemed appropriate. And it was fun and who didn’t want fun every once and a while. Or usually. Just letting go and enjoying themselves after all the anger from earlier. Fun and just a peaceful moment, all in one. The stars really were gorgeous though.
“It was always more about lack of options, less about sticking it to the bar. So I’ll take your word about the numerous places. I just know that I really like it out here.”
And more of that open honesty the two had found along the train track, and then in sex.
Chloe was perhaps an enigma of a sort. Upon first glance, she definitely didn’t seem to be the cuddly type, but she definitely was. Even if she only had a one-night stand with someone, she still preferred cuddling to simply just...getting dressed and parting ways. It probably went into the whole thing of she wanted to feel like she was wanted. It hadn’t been a feeling she’d had much since her dad had died.
“True enough,” she responded. And, well, it was a good reference at any rate.
She lightly trailed the fingers of her free hand along the arm that Ilia had draped across her. There was something to the sense of touch and being close to someone that helped her feel calm and like she wasn’t alone.
“Ah, I understand. But there is definitely something to doing it out here under the stars. There’s just something freeing about it. Though I have to say, a patch of grass is a little better than the bed of a rusted old pickup truck.” Chloe looked at Ilia out of the corner of her eye. “At least you have options now?”
Nothing wrong with being an enigma in that sense. There were layers to people, there always were and what was on the surface didn’t necessary mean that was all there was. Sure it could be hard to remember that or think about it in certain situations. But no one was only two dimensional.
As Chloe trailed her fingers along her arm, Ilia pressed closer to Chloe. The sense of touch and connectedness was nice, especially after everything that had happened the past few months. Years, really. But the immediate past few months at present - at least for Ilia. It was calming and it was nice to be calm after operating on anger and being completely wound up for days.
“Mm,” was all that was said in agreement. Because what else was there to say? It was freeing where they were, with the stars visible and not blotched out by light pollution. Where they could just be real and true. “I do, thanks to you. Though a blanket may be good for next time.”
Assuming there was a next time. But Ilia definitely wasn’t going to turn down a next time and just cuddling under a blanket as the air cooled.
“I mean, if you want.”
And again, this was not how Chloe had pictured her day going after she’d spied Max’s existence on the network. She’d thought she’d be getting high by now on whatever Katou had to offer. But this? This was definitely way better. There wouldn’t be any terrible crash after the high of sex like there would be if she got her hands on hardcore drugs. And this was far less self-destructive as well.
Chloe had to smile at the suggestion of a next time. She definitely hadn’t thought that far ahead, but she was definitely up for it. After all, who knew where the fuck things would go with Rachel. While she was definitely still in love with Rachel, it wouldn’t stop her from enjoying someone else’s company when the opportunity presented itself.
“I would hella love a next time.” She said with a smile. “I’ll try to keep a blanket in my truck, just in case.” She was silent for a few moments, just holding Ilia and gazing up at the stars. “You know, it’s really fucking amazing to meet someone who understands. I need that.” Another honest admission.
Ilia hadn’t known how the day would go. There had been her awkward conversation with Logan, the idea of looking into school or her GED since she had left Arkansas before she graduated and then just being so angry and not finding anything to distract her or focus her energy until she had found the train track. That had definitely been the right call given where she now was.
So she waited almost anxiously for rejection (it was all too familiar and she should have known better than to put it out there because it was just a chance encounter) and then instead, Chloe was saying she’d love a next time and Ilia felt herself breathe again. Which was stupid. Because they had both only been wanting a distraction in that day and yet she couldn’t deny that there was a connection and understanding, which was why she had suggested another time to begin with.
So she smiled against Chloe’s shoulder as she said she’d love another time and would remember a blanket for said next time and fell back into the comfortable silence. At least until it was broken.
“Guessing you’ve been missing that as well? But yeah, having someone who understands is just…. Really important.”
Chloe needed to look into getting a job so she could stop mooching off of Jaina. Though she supposed she could always just go live in the train car she and Rachel had claimed as their own little hideaway if worse came to worse. But she still needed money for things like food and clothes. And, eventually, new parts for her truck because salvaging parts from other cars in junkyards only went so far.
“Yeah, I have. People either never tried to understand or they just left me behind.” Chloe drew in a slow breath. “But not having to try and explain shit that I can’t quite find the words for? That means everything.” It actually meant more than Chloe could put into words.
It was seriously crazy just how far such a connection could go. It also suddenly just dawned on her that this must be another one of those situations where when you met someone, you just knew they were going to change your life.
It was a sad fact of life that in order to survive, you needed a job because money was required for everything. Which would be easier to focus on (in theory) now that Ilia wasn’t so angry that she was ready to start a fight at the drop of a hat. At least for now. Right now, she was calm and content and quite comfortable.
“I can get that. The ones I thought got me were really only using me to take the fall for things when it was needed. I owe them my life, but some things that they wanted went too far.” And thus why she was here, and why she felt like she had nothing to focus on, nothing to anchor her. “It really is something though, not having to explain things but still being understood.”
Chloe was the type of person who could get attached to people easily and quickly. It was anyone’s guess whether that was due to the abandonment issues, or if she was just that type of person. Either way, she already felt closer to Ilia than she did to 99% of the people she’d ever known, including her own family.
“Fuck them. Saving your life or not, they sound like a bunch of users.” Chloe said bluntly, not mincing words. “People are assholes more often than not. And they tend to be fake on top of that. I never bought into that kind of shit. I prefer just being me, even if being me is what drives people away.”
Honestly, she’d really like to know why people just kept leaving her. Obviously her dad didn’t have a choice in the matter, he hadn’t chosen to die. The asshole driving the semi-truck that ran a stop sign made that choice for her dad.
Despite the promises Ilia had made herself when she had moved here that she wouldn’t let herself get attached to people too quickly, she could already tell that she had failed in that. Well, she wasn’t going to complain about it. Because it seemed to be working out. Yes, it hadn’t even been all that long but Ilia wanted to believe that this would be a good attachment and so that was what it would be.
“Yeah. Mostly I just need to keep remembering that.” Because sometimes it was easy, other times not so much. “They are though. I’ve had to hide parts of myself for safety reasons,” Her sexuality which would be easy enough to pick up on, “But even with that? What you see is what you get.”
At least in terms of personality, what she believed in. She never had pretended to be straight or interested in guys because that wasn’t true to her. She might never have broadcasted that she was gay, but that didn’t mean she faked interest either.
Chloe was way more lonely than she’d ever admit to. Partly because she didn’t want to come off as being clingy, and partly because she felt admitting it was a sign of weakness. And she definitely didn’t want to appear weak to anyone. Showing weakness allowed others to exploit said weakness.
“You have to keep yourself safe first and foremost. But you don’t need to hide anything with me. And I’ll kick the ass of anyone who does try to give you shit for it.” It didn’t take a rocket scientist for Chloe to know Ilia was talking about her sexuality. She well knew there were plenty of assholes around, and just judging by her accent? She was clearly from a part of the country that was extremely religious.
Some things were just harder to admit to than others. Especially when it meant opening yourself up to people in more emotional ways, those were always the hardest ways to open up. To do so meant you gave people the power to know you and thus hurt you if they so desired.
Ilia did smile some at the comment, “Well thank you.” After all, she knew there was always going to be risks for her as she couldn’t exactly hide her race - which put just as much of a permanent target on her. Her sexuality would have made it even worse, but it was nice to know there were people who would stand up for her if she needed it.
“Same. I mean, if there’s ever a need for me to fuck someone up because they mess with you.”
There were definitely things that were harder to talk to others about. Under the right circumstances, Chloe could pour out her life story to someone she barely knew, such as with Jaina. But that had been started because of Rachel’s presence, and to explain what Rachel meant to her, she had to explain everything else. Her dad dying, Max going radio silent on her, the depression and suicide attempts, all of it. But right now, she was content to keep it to vague statements. No need to ruin the afterglow of sex and taking comfort in someone else.
“Thanks, I definitely appreciate it. And knowing me, I’ll get my ass in trouble sooner rather than later,” she chuckled. She said it with humor, but she was also serious about it. Chloe and trouble were basically synonymous with each other. She had a thing for rebellion and breaking rules and laws.
Vague seemed to work right now. And even in that vagueness, a lot had been revealed even if there weren’t specifics named. Context certainly helped, but Ilia had gotten a good feel of what Chloe was talking about in regards to abandonment and feeling numb, just as Chloe knew that Ilia was used to being used even under the guise of protected and that there were parts of her she’d had to hide to stay safe, that she was full of anger. The specifics could be gone into at a later time when they weren’t in such a comfortable state of mind at the moment.
“Well, it’s a good thing I like trouble then.”
Because Chloe getting into trouble wasn’t something that would scare Ilia away. She’d had her own fair share of getting into trouble and pushing back against what others might want or expect from her.
“That’s definitely good because I’m pretty much a trouble magnet.” Chloe responded with a smile. It was also possibly an understatement, but it always depended on her actual mood. But she did have a history of violence, mostly just getting in fist fights and such. It was one of a string of behaviors that had led to her getting expelled from high school when she was 16.
Sneaking into concerts, underage drinking, other things like petty theft and a high emphasis on vandalism (she always carried a permanent marker and tagged things ranging from vehicles to buildings whenever she felt like it). Maybe she should learn the art of using spray paint for her graffitti, but her marker did the job most times.
But for now, all she cared about was just basking in someone else’s company while lying under the stars. It was a good way to spend the night, in her opinion, and she was content to remain like that for as long as Ilia wanted to. Or until they both got cold enough they needed to put their clothes back on.