Clara Oswald is going the long way round (alwaysbeenthere) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2018-03-23 20:41:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !complete, bucky barnes (winter soldier), clara oswald |
Who: Bucky and Clara
What: Talking things through
When: Recently
Where: Bucky’s flat
Warnings: References to PTSD, death, phantom limb syndrome
Status: Log | Complete
It was a relatively quiet night in. Cap had finally stopped being super weird around her (something about the whole no heartbeat or scent thing seemed to have wigged the dog out which made sense, even if it had been frustrating) so there was no random awkward stare downs with the dog. Dinner had been had, tea had been made and Clara was currently curled up against her boyfriend with a book in hand. After all, sometimes it was just simply being in one another’s company that was all that was needed. There were the adventures they’d gone on before, more typical dates. But sometimes just quiet nights in were also nice.
She’d just turned the page though when she noticed a shift in Bucky’s body language though. It was slight but given how they were sitting, she could feel it. That and it wasn’t the first time she had noticed it. Usually Clara would just try to calm him down, get him to focus on her and they would find something to do. But rarely did they talk about it. They should probably talk about it.
Marking her place, the brunette placed her book beside her and looked up.
“Want to talk about it?”
As much as Bucky enjoyed going on adventures and generally going out with Clara, he also enjoyed the quiet nights in. He was doing better mentally than he had been, but he also still had a lot of work to do. That was part of why he’d gotten Cap. Training him to be a service dog helped him focus, and it also gave him something else to help his anxiety when it got too much. Though he was very glad that Cap finally seemed to be okay with Clara. Probably just one of those things where he had to figure out that Clara wasn’t a threat and get used to her presence.
His facial hair was on the slightly longer than stubble side of things. The state of his facial seemed to oddly reflect his mental state. When he was more troubled, he let his beard grow out a bit. When he was fine, he tended to be either clean-shaven or have a couple days’ worth of stubble at most.
He’d been content sitting there with Clara curled against him. At least until he felt the pain in his left arm. His body had stiffened and he tried to ignore it. Except for the fact Clara had noticed. Not surprising since she’d been leaning against him.
“My arm hurts.” He lifted his metal arm, indicating he meant that one. Even if it was probably obvious, but still, best to be clear. “I know it’s going to take time, but it...feels weird. Not having an arm but still feeling it.”
Clara nodded some. She could understand that. Sometimes she still woke up with the expectation that she would hear her heartbeat, that things would sound how they had before but then everything had that odd sound. Even after she had adjusted to the way things sounded without a heartbeat, there were still those days.
“It does take time, and even then sometimes that feeling is more noticeable - not having something but still feeling it.”
Not that Clara had lost a limb. Nor had she ever gone into what it had been like for her. So the comment probably didn’t make much sense. But she did have her own experience that she could draw on. And in this, it was just to point out that it was normal for it to take time and that it might not ever truly go away.
Bucky nodded a bit, though he wondered what experience she had with such things. Perhaps she’d known someone in the past who had a similar experience? Either way, he knew she was right, and it would just take time for things to settle. He was doing better about adjusting to having a metal arm. He’d stopped crushing or breaking everything he tried to pick up with it, so that was an improvement. Sometimes he was exceedingly grateful that he was right handed.
“Did...did I ever tell you how I lost my arm? Given the rush of events from the time I lost my arm to the brainwashed crap, I don’t have a good memory for that period of time.” Bucky doubted it. And he’d been more focused on the whole brainwashed thing right afterwards. He didn’t know if he talked in his sleep, but he was rather certain Clara knew he had nightmares. Some of them revolved around losing his arm. Others revolved around Hydra and the brainwashing.
But he felt like he was ready to talk about some of the nightmares, about the trauma of losing his arm. And perhaps also revealing the true nature of how he’d even survived the fall from the train in the first place. He was a super soldier like Captain America, but he’d been used as a weapon for decades instead of as a force for good.
Sometimes talking about things was necessary. Okay, Clara wasn’t really known for it either, not when it came to things that were traumatizing. But she would open up if it helped Bucky because she did have her own experiences that were similar enough. For now though, she would just let Bucky talk. So she shook her head.
“No, you didn’t.” Given everything that had gone on at the time? Yeah. It wasn’t terribly shocking that such conversations never really came up. That entire time was a haze given it seemed to have started when she’d been taken by Hydra here, then Bucky losing his arm, then waking up brainwashed.
So with Bucky ready to talk about it, Clara kept her full attention on her boyfriend.
Sometimes one just needed the right circumstances to actually open up and talk about things. Bucky was trying to be better about talking about things so that he could at least let his feelings out without them getting bottled up inside for too long.
“Steve, myself and the rest of my squad, the Howling Commandos, had planned to board a Hydra train that their operative Arnim Zola was on. We intended to capture him alive and interrogate him about the Red Skull’s plans. However, things did not go as smoothly as anticipated. I was pinned down by three Hydra soldiers. I managed to kill two, but I ran out of ammo. Steve managed to open the door and toss me another gun, and I killed the last one.” Bucky took a breath.
“However, another soldier fired on us from behind and blew a hole in the side of the train, which was, of course, going through the mountains. Steve dropped his shield, which I picked up and tried to shield myself as I shot at the Hydra soldier. However, I was shot again and I fell out of the hole, grabbing onto the damaged rail for dear life. Steve killed the soldier and tried to save me, but the rail snapped before I could grab his hand. I fell and landed in the icy Danube River.” Bucky hadn’t known just how far the fall had been, but he knew it had been more than was needed to kill a person.
And yet he’d survived. “I remember regaining consciousness when a couple soldiers dragged me out of the river. I saw my left arm. It had been severed above my elbow.” He indicated the spot on his left arm. “I was barely alive, and I now know I was only alive because of the experiments Hydra did on me when I’d been a prisoner earlier in my dreams.”
As Bucky spoke, Clara remained still and just paid attention. Because that was what he needed. To be listened to and say what it was that had happened. Since yes, sometimes it was a good thing to actually say what was going on and what had happened to help work through it. And...it was something Clara could probably be better at herself but that was neither here nor there.
It also did go without saying that the drop from the train going along the mountains to the Danube River would be a long fall. What was it with them and falling? Another question for another time.
“That..is definitely a lot to take in.”
Because what was there to say? I’m sorry? She was, but it wouldn’t really convey all of it. Not really. But it also made sense why it would take time to overcome. After all, not only did he lose his arm, but he knew that the only reason he had survived was thanks to being experimented on earlier in the Dreams. Let alone what happened after with Hydra.
Bucky nodded a bit. “Yeah, it’s all kind of a blur after I fell from the train. I remember bits and pieces of being in the Hydra facility where they gave me this arm. I remember the first time I saw the metal arm. But then it kind of goes fuzzy.” He scratched his head with his right hand. It was hard to put his finger on why his memory was like that.
“Maybe it was the brainwashing and memory wiping they did that made it fuzzy. Or maybe I suffered enough trauma from the fall that memories right after that until a time after I’d recovered are spotty.” Bucky hadn’t known how extensive his injuries were from the fall, beyond the arm loss. He definitely knew he’d only been barely alive when he’d been pulled out of the river. And then Hydra messing with his head for 70-odd years didn’t help matters any.
He was silent for a few moments, contemplating the metal arm as he looked at it. “Thank you for not treating me any differently. I know some people look at those with prosthetic, or metal, limbs like they’re fragile or somehow not fully human.” Well, Bucky wasn’t actually fully human anymore. He was actually probably considered a cyborg with the arm, and then the super soldier physiology.
“It could be either, really. Or both. The mind has its way of protecting us from trauma, be it by forgetting it or replacing it with a completely different set of memories. Something dreamt up because the truth is too terrible.” No matter how removed Clara tried to be from that particular set of Dreams, it was clear in her voice and slightly haunted look that it was more than theorizing or talking from knowing someone else. No. It was first hand experience for her. Just like the knowledge of what it was to lose something essential and sometimes still feel it, or to try and feel it.
Bucky thanking her though? That was unexpected and her attention seemed to focus again.
“I feel like it’s weird to say you’re welcome. I mean, a metal arm doesn’t change the fact that you’re the man I love.”
Bucky looked at Clara. She clearly seemed to speak from personal experience, and not simply just from having known someone who’d gone through a similar experience. “It sounds like you have personal experience with that sort of thing. Or are you a secret psychologist as well?” The latter was stated as a little joke, but he was obviously open to listening.
He cracked a little smile, finding it easier to ignore the pain if he focused on Clara. “I’m lucky that the woman I love sees it that way.” Some people could get weird about it. He was just glad that Clara didn’t treat him like he was made of glass or something. He had his problems, but she was handling it all really well.
“Both really….Not the losing a limb, but losing something essential.” Really, Clara didn’t talk about her own Dream trauma. Mostly because she was the type who just tried to move forward and not think about it. But with everything going on, perhaps she should. Especially if it would help Bucky know he wasn’t alone. “But with forgetting and being erased….” Really how did one go into that?
“About three years ago I guess it was now? Anyway, in the Dreams I jumped into the Doctor’s Time Stream to save him, but at the expense of myself. I was torn apart into echo versions of myself, live, die. I had all those memories though some were stronger than others. I didn’t feel like myself, even my reflection was….off. Hazy. One of the Dreams was of the Dalek asylum…. I was too clever so instead of making me a spy, they converted me. Take out love. Replace with hate. But I refused. I created a dream for myself where I was trapped, but still human…. All because the mind is powerful in what it can do to protect us.”
Yeah. That was a lot and she was more than happy to move on.
“I’d say you were lucky already but yeah, not everyone gets it. So I guess that’s also true.”
Bucky listened as Clara described her dreams. He understood the basics, the time travel, the Doctor, things of that nature. But he’d never quite asked for deeper details than what Clara had been willing to tell. After all, some things in the dreams were more difficult to talk about. Like the loss of his arm and brainwashing, and what Clara was now telling him.
Now it was his turn to not really have a response. Saying sorry just seemed to demean the entire experience. “Not the best way to learn that, but it is true. Our minds have the uncanny ability to heal and protect.”
He slid his arm around her shoulders and gave her a little squeeze. “We fit together nicely, don’t you think?” They both had their traumas, but they seemed to balance each other out well.
All things to, Clara rarely did talk about her Dreams in specifics. It had been two years since they finished and unless they were relevant to something or she was asked, it just never seemed all that necessary to talk about them. But they were relevant here so that was that.
Still, it definitely was a matter that ‘I'm sorry’ didn't quite cover. Nor would Clara know how to respond to the sentiment, so she was relieved Bucky didn't go with that. “No it really isn't, but not much to be done about it.”
Feeling her boyfriend pull her close, Clara nodded against him.
“Quite nicely.”
Bucky was silent for several moments. He was simply taking a moment to take this all in. They both had their traumas, and they seemed to fit together rather well. It wasn’t exactly easy to work through trauma without having some sort of a support system. And Bucky felt safe with Clara and with Jemma. That did make quite a difference, and he it meant the world to him to have such support.
“I’m lucky to have moved here and met you. If I didn’t have you, it would definitely be harder to deal with all of this. And I know it’s not going to be easy for either of us moving forward, but I know I couldn’t face it without you.”
Was he being too sappy? Who knew, he was simply being truthful about it. He would have his bad days, but at least Jemma had helped deprogram his mind, so he didn’t have to fear Hydra flipping his switch again and turning into the Winter Soldier again.
Clara didn’t mind the silence. After all, sometimes it was necessary or there were no words to say. All that mattered was that it was clear the two were comfortable with one another and the silence. That there weren’t things that were being left unsaid. But then Bucky was speaking and if Clara still had a hearbeat, it would have skipped a beat. Instead though she just looked up at her boyfriend and smiled softly.
“Well lucky for you, you don’t need to figure out how that will be. I’m not going anywhere.”