Bucky Barnes (itwasstillme) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2018-02-28 23:43:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, bucky barnes (winter soldier) |
Who: Bucky
What: Dealing with having lost a limb.
When: Recently
Where: His place
Warnings: Discussion of having lost an arm
Status: Narrative, complete
It wasn't easy working through a trauma, no matter what kind it was. While Bucky hadn't experienced post-traumatic stress after his tours of duty in the army, he had friends who had. He understood how they struggled with it. He watched as wounded soldiers struggled to cope with having lost a limb, or even multiple limbs, but he didn't understand their struggle because he hadn't lived it. He didn't know what it was like to lose a limb or to be traumatized by the what war really looked and felt like.
But he understood it now.
In his dreams, he'd lost his left arm after he'd fallen from a bridge. He'd been half-dead when he'd been found and taken away. The Nazis, or specifically Hydra, had rehabilitated him. They gave him a metal arm to replace the one he'd lost. Then they'd brainwashed him, wiped his memories and turned him into a killing machine. The Winter Soldier.
Thanks to Jemma, he'd been deprogrammed of the brainwashing. There was no need to fear Hydra activating him as the Winter Soldier again. Unless of course they kidnapped him and re-brainwashed him or something. He had just been glad the Hydra here didn't have the mind-wiping machine the one in his dreams had. Otherwise things may have gone very differently when he'd been kidnapped by them.
Bucky took a slow breath, breathing in deeply and then letting it out slowly. He was centering himself, trying to work through the phantom pain he was currently feeling. He looked at his left arm, turning his wrist over and back. It was still strange to him to feel pain in a limb he no longer had, but he knew that it was fairly common among people who lost limbs. It was something that he just needed to roll with. He couldn't stop them, he just had to deal with it when they happened.
Suddenly, Cap's head shoved its way on his lap. Bucky turned his attention from his arm to his dog. He was confused at first, wondering if Cap needed to go outside. However, he realized that Cap was doing something he had been working on training him to do. Bucky realized he'd been clenching his jaw and his body had grown tense. So he drew in another slow breath and set his right hand on Cap's head, trying to shift his focus into petting his dog.
"Thanks, Cap," he murmured. Cap was starting to recognize when Bucky's stress and anxiety levels were rising. While his largest concern was his nightmares, he had also come to notice he suffered anxiety spikes during the day and needed Cap's help at times, especially when Clara wasn't there. He focused on petting Cap and taking slow breaths, but eventually he did calm down and he relaxed, his shoulders slouching a bit. He definitely needed that. "I needed that, good boy," he said, giving Cap a little smile as he stood up to get a treat to reward Cap and reinforce the behavior and encourage the dog to continue doing it in the future.
After giving Cap the treat, he pulled his sleeve back down to cover his arm. He decided to take Cap for a walk, needing to get out and do something. He pulled on a pair of gloves, mostly to hide the fact he had a metal arm and got Cap's leash.
"Come on, Cap, let's go for a walk!" He called. The dog came trotting over excitedly, and after Bucky clipped the leash onto Cap's collar, he headed out the door and started walking. It was a good way to get his mind refocused on something other than his arm, and to hopefully avoid another episode like what had just occurred.