InsaneJournal

Who: Dan and Liv
What: Breaking up
When: This morning
Where: Liv's apartment
Rating/Warnings: Low just lots of sad feels
Status: Complete!

Liv woke up in her apartment, in Dan’s arms, with a smile on her face. That was until she remembered the events of the previous night. Not that it was bad or anything like that. It was just another night of Liv and Dan going as far as they possibly could. Liv knew it was only matter of time before it wasn’t enough for Dan. She tried ending this before. Right when she first became a zombie. But she couldn’t let go. She wasn’t ready. Now? Now she knew she had to. A life without sex wasn’t going to work.

But first, one last shot. One last shred of hope. She remained in his arms until she felt him stir, waking up as well. “Morning,” Liv mumbled the smile no longer on her face.

Dan had been teetering on the edge between sleep and awake for the past several hours. Actually, once he and Liv had settled in for the night, he hadn’t really slept at all. His mind wandered, as it usually did, to the state of his and Liv’s relationship. He did love her. He loved her very much. More than he had ever loved anyone -- that is to say, he’d never truly been in love before. Their evenings were enjoyable, but Dan could tell Liv was restless. She wanted more. And Dan was finding it harder and harder to be brought to conclusion with handjobs alone. Liv was creative -- they both were -- but it was a constant game of caution which wasn’t exactly passionate nor romantic.

Of course there was more to a relationship than sex, but intimacy played a very important role. Dan couldn’t fool himself thinking they could just keep doing what they were doing. Both he and Liv were sexual creatures. Both of them had needs. Dan had been searching tirelessly for something that would allow them to be together. But to no avail. Liv’s condition -- her zombism -- was more medical than it was magical. Dan had run into dead end after dead end. He wasn’t sure how long he and Liv could continue to kid themselves. He shifted slightly so that he could hold her tightly, however, when he did, Liv must have awakened.

Dan opened his eyes when he heard her speak. There was no smile on her face, no usual cheery sunshine to start his day. Dan felt his stomach clench. “Mornin’, darlin’,” he said softly. “Didja sleep well?”

“Yeah,” Liv replied just as softly. “No new dreams.” Which was really all anyone could ask for in this place. Especially with everything else weighing on her mind. “You?” she asked trying to prolong this moment as long as she could. Before she had to ask about what he found, which she already knew the answer to. If he found anything he would have told her the second he did. But still, maybe just maybe he had a hint for a way they could be together and was waiting to tell her till her had something more concrete.

“Not as well,” Dan admitted. The little sleep he’d actually gotten had been plagued with Dreams and the more Dan Dreamed, the less sense they made. It was as though he was having fever dream after fever dream, each one becoming more and more nonsensical. For example, the school that was currently at the center of the Smith Syndicate’s latest assignment had been the poling center for the first United States Election, which was absolutely impossible. It was impossible for several reasons, but the biggest reason was that the school was located in Washington State. Dan may not have graduated high school valedictorian, but he knew that the state of Washington didn’t even exist back in 1700’s when the U.S. was still in its infancy. However, it was absolute fact in his Dreams that this school was where George Washington had been elected president. As a result it was the Secretary of Education who was really in control of the U.S. Government and, thusly, it’s current involvement in some very shady political dealings. Some of those dealings involved creating generation after generation of students not loyal to the U.S., but to Japan, for reasons that, much like everything else in his Dreams that needed explaining, were not. Dan’s Dreams gave him migraines.

His Dreams, the fever hallucination acid trips that they were, were the least of his problems. The way Liv was looking at him, there was a pleading look in her eyes, silently asking and hoping beyond hope that he had good news to tell her. That somehow, miraculously, he had found a way for the two of them to be together, that they could again have the closeness and intimacy they’d had over Christmas. She was hoping so much and Dan had absolutely nothing to give her. His heart twisted, but he couldn’t lie to her. He loved her too much. “I’m sorry, darlin’,” he said in response to the question her eyes were asking.

Dan answered her question before Liv could even ask it. She knew what he was apologizing for. Not that it was his fault. No, it was her. It was because of her they couldn’t be together. Liv, she had come to terms with the fact that she would probably never be with anyone again (unless another zombie showed up) a long time ago. But Dan? He shouldn’t have to be condemned to her fate. He deserved so much more than that. No matter how much he loved her. The hope in Liv’s eyes turned to sadness. Her heart sank. But she knew what she had to do.

“It’s not your fault,” she said softly. “You tried… we both did.” She paused fighting back the tears that were begin to well up in her eyes. Liv sat up in the bed placing her head in her hands for a moment before continuing. “This isn’t going to work,” she finally said. “It’s not fair to either of us.” Especially Dan.

Dan sat up as well and rubbed his face. He knew exactly what was coming. When they had decided to give their relationship a try Liv had made him promise that if they couldn’t find a way to be together, that they would break it off. It had been over a month and they weren’t any better off than they had been right after Christmas. If some progress had made, if they’d even had a lead, Dan would have been able to make some kind of argument. But there was none. For the first time in his life he was faced with a problem he didn’t know how to solve one way or another.

He couldn’t help but feel that in a way this was his fault. Liv couldn’t help what the Dreams had done to her. She didn’t want the same thing to happen to Dan, but what Dan felt guilty about was that he also didn’t want to become a zombie. He loved her, but the damnable misery was that no matter how hard they tried, this just wasn’t going to work. He looked at her seated next to him, even first thing in the morning she was beautiful and Dan’s whole body ached with the idea that this would be the last time he’d wake up with her in his arms.

But he couldn’t continue to put her through this pain just because he was too stubborn to let go. Only a monster would put his own selfish wants ahead of the person he confessed to love. His own sap of a father had taught him that. “No,” he admitted just as softly, “it isn’t.” He shifted his position a little to face her. “I didnnea want for any of this to happen, Liv,” he said. “And I’m sorry.” What for Dan couldn’t accurately say. Falling in love with her? Her falling in love with him? Those two weeks they spent together that had been nothing short of amazing? All of it? None of it?

He reached for her hands, desperate for one last touch in vain hopes that maybe she would change her mind. “I do love you,” he told her. “I donnea want to let you go, but…” his throat tightened, “if this be what ye want…what be best for you…”

Part of Liv didn’t want Dan to agree with her. She wanted him to argue like he usually did. Fight for their relationship. Say he’d be a zombie so they could be together. But she knew that even if he had offered that Liv wouldn’t have let him. What she was, she wouldn’t want anyone else to go through it. Especially the man she loved with all her heart. So she had to let him go.

“I know,” Liv replied allowing him to take her hands. “I love you too,” she added a few tears falling down her cheeks. She had to swallow the lump in her throat to get the next sentence out. “It’s for the best.” For Dan. He didn’t deserve to be trapped in a relationship starved of intimacy. He deserved more than what she could offer him. And now he could have it. She didn’t want him to wake up one day and resent her. It was better they ended this now. Before either of them fell more in love than they already were. If that was even possible.

For the best. Even if this was for the best for the two of them, it didn’t bring Dan any comfort. “Aye,” he said softly. He let go of her hand to gently brush a thumb over her cheek and wipe a few of those tears away. He didn’t want her to cry, but at the same time, this was something worth crying about.

He wanted to offer her some sort of comfort, but nothing came. He couldn’t tell her she’d find someone else. She might, but there was no guarantees that whoever that was wouldn’t be as human as Dan was. She literally was the only zombie he’d ever met. He could only hope that the next person to come into her life could at least offer her what Dan could not: a solution.

As for himself? Well, Liv may have wanted him to move on, find someone else he could actually be with, but the truth of the matter was that he didn’t want to be with anyone else. Liv was the first woman he had ever truly fallen in love with. He didn’t think he could stand doing it all over again.

“I won’t be far,” he told her. “If ye ever need anythin’, ye let me know, aye? I’m just a call away. An’ I still got a jar o’ jalapenos under the bar with yer name on it.” But even as he spoke the words he knew the moment he walked out the door it would be a long while before he saw her again, if ever. Time was needed to heal the holes they had created in each other. Anything short of that would have been too painful.

Liv placed her hand on his, holding it against her cheek. She brought him in for one last kiss. This was it, the end, probably the last time she would ever see Dan again. She needed a proper goodbye. This kiss was sad, full of heartbreak, but Liv still made sure she would remember how Dan’s lips felt against hers. What he tasted like. Savoring every moment until it was time to let go. Tears fell down her cheeks once again as she pulled away. “If you ever need stitches….” she replied her voice cracking. Because she knew she would never step foot in the Double Tap again. Never have one of his jalapeno margaritas. And he would never step foot in her morgue again. It would be too painful. “Goodbye, Dan.”

Dan leaned into the kiss. One last kiss to remember her by. He wanted it to last as long as possible. He tried to hang on as she pulled away, but she slipped out of his grip. Dan’s chest was tight and his throat felt as though it was closing. His eyes stung with tears, but he refused to let them fall. He had to stay strong, if not for himself, than for Liv. She had to see that he would be ok, even if Dan himself wasn’t so sure of that fact.

It was over. Just like that. Dan had no other option but to leave her bed and gather his clothes and get dressed. He did so quietly and without looking back at Liv. He knew if he did, he would never be able to leave. She deserved a clean break without any more pain than she already had. They both did.

He pulled on his jacket as he moved to the door. There he paused and risked one final look back at the woman he loved. He tried to offer her a rueful smile, but it felt like a grimace pulled across his face. “Take care o’ yerself, darlin’,” he said, his voice husky with the pain in his heart. The smile -- as small as it was -- left his features. “Goodbye, Liv.”