Katou (katoustheshit) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-11-29 19:16:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, kanan jarrus, yue katou |
Who: Katou and Kanan
What: Katou attempts to comfort Kanan after Carolina goes MIA
When: Immediately after this log
Where: Chateau Katou
Ratings/Warnings: Believed PC death; language
Status: Complete
Katou hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. Not at first, at least. When he’d heard Wash at the door, he’d left his room to go say hi and see what was up. But he hadn’t even made it to the living room when he’d overheard Wash telling Kanan about Carolina. He froze in his tracks, and then stood in the hall, out of view from the door, and listened to the rest of the conversation, clenching his fist so hard that his fingernails cut into his palm.
He chewed on his lower lip until the conversation was over and Wash left. It hadn’t been a friendly conversation, not by a longshot. But he had to admit that he was glad that Wash hadn’t let Kanan go. If he thought he could have, he might have even tried to talk Wash out of going. He wasn’t the type to believe in happy endings. Maybe Wash would find Carolina alive and bring her back. But it seemed more likely to Katou that, well, he wouldn’t. Hopefully he’d have enough sense to turn around before he got himself killed too. Either way, it was better for Kanan if he didn’t have to go all the way there for the news. Because Kanan… well, if the way that Kanan’s side of the conversation went was any indication, he probably would get himself killed.
Katou unclenched his fist and flexed his fingers, willing himself to calm down. He didn’t entirely, but at least he was able to relax his muscles. And was able to stop biting down on his lip. He pushed himself from the wall he’d been leaning on, and took the final few steps into the living room to see how Kanan was doing, making sure to step a little heavier than he normally did.
To be honest? Kanan had been better. After Wash had left, Kanan’s legs could no longer hold him up and he sat heavily on the couch. His elbows were braced against his knees and his face was in his hands. The aviator sunglasses dangled loosely from his fingers.
Wash had told him not to worry, that he was going to bring Carolina home alive, but how could Kanan not worry? The woman he loved was missing. Wash claimed to know where she was, but just the tone of his voice had been enough to tell Kanan that she was in very real and very serious danger. All he could do, all he was allowed to do, was sit at home and wonder if he would ever hear her voice again.
Kanan felt sick.
He had felt Katou’s presence in the hall when Wash had arrived earlier, but had forgotten the moment Wash had delivered his devastating news and an entire onslaught of emotions had overwhelmed him. He was a Jedi. Jedi were supposed to be in control of their emotions. Jedi were not permitted to fall in love. Be alone and one with the Force. But Kanan couldn’t do that. He was human. He was in love and until now that hadn’t hampered his abilities at all.
He took in a quick, but ragged breath, when he heard Katou’s heavier-than-normal footsteps emerge from the hall into the living room. Like his protégé had just moments before, tried to force himself to calm down, but was far less successful. “How much of that did you hear?”
Katou watched Kanan as he made his way across the living room into the kitchen. He looked… well, probably about as well as Katou could have expected him to look. Katou had never really been in love like that - not in the waking world at least, but he’d seen Setsuna go through something similar. Katou had thrown him in a fountain to snap him out of it. But here, they weren’t in the middle of a war. There was no call to action. In fact, Kanan had been very clearly grounded.
“Pretty much all of it,” Katou said truthfully. He opened the fridge, grabbed a couple beers he’d picked up, and made his way to Kanan. “Beer?” he asked, taking a seat near Kanan. He touched the bottle to Kanan’s knee. “Or smoke?”
In some strange way, knowing Katou had heard everything Wash had said and that Kanan wouldn’t have to repeat any of it was a bit of a solace. Just having the younger man there was something of a comfort, even if Katou didn’t fully understand the pain was Kanan was going through. And Kanan hoped he never would.
The bottle was cold against his knee. It was a far cry from being thrown into a fountain, and a better alternative. Kanan removed his hands from his face to take the offering. “Thanks, Yue,” he said in a low half-muted voice. He set his aviators back over his scarred eyes so he could use both hands to open the bottle.
Kanan didn’t smoke much these days. For a long time he hadn’t trusted himself with either a lighter or a match. But now? “I could use a cigarette,” he admitted. Badly too if he were to be honest.
Wendy would not approve, Katou knew, but Wendy wasn’t here. Besides, it was possible that in these circumstances, she might give them a pass. He pulled a couple of cigarettes out of his pack, put both of them between his lips, and lit them. Then, he removed one of them, and held it out to Kanan, the cherry facing his own palm. He missed having a real, flesh and blood arm sometimes, but he’d be stupid if he couldn’t see just how many more perks the fake one had. Such as not getting burned by lit cigarettes.
“Here,” he said around the cigarette still in his mouth. “It’s already lit.”
He didn’t really know where to go from here. There was a part of him, a big part of him, that wanted to tell Kanan to not get his hopes up. That it would only hurt more when - if, Carolina turned up dead at the end of this. That, at least, was a feeling he was familiar with when he realized that Kira was never, ever going to come back to them in the dreams. He’d hoped so hard, which made the inevitable disappointment that much more painful. But it didn’t seem like the time.
“Did you want to talk?” he asked, only a little awkward.
Kanan took the offered cigarette with another half-muted thanks and took a long drag. The acrid smoke burned his throat and lungs, but Kanan had been smoking since his teenage years. Even after a few months of only an occasional cigarette here and there, a little burning smoke didn’t bother him. The nicotine and alcohol would calm his nerves. But, really. What kind of Jedi needed either to center himself? Maybe Wash was right and all Kanan was was a blind civilian. A liability Wash couldn’t afford. His presence would only hinder Carolina’s rescue, not help.
No. No, Wash was wrong. Completely and utterly wrong. Anger swelled again and Kanan’s grip on the beer bottle in his hand tightened. However, as quickly as it came up, the anger died away. What Wash had said hurt, but Kanan hadn’t believed him. Even blind he knew when he was being lied to. This was Wash’s weird way of attempting to protect him. Even so, it didn’t make the former marine’s attempts the right thing to do.
Katou wasn’t what most people would consider an optimistic person, but Kanan appreciated his efforts to make him feel better all the same. Bringing him beer, letting him smoke in the house (Kanan would be sure to douse the couch with Fabreeze when he was in a somewhat better frame of mind), and offering to listen if he wanted to talk, albeit awkwardly. However, Kanan wasn’t sure what to say. The only thing he could think about was Carolina, what kind of danger she was in and that he should be doing whatever it took to bring her home safe instead of sitting here helpless and wondering.
At least he’d gotten to hear her say that she loved him before she left. He supposed he should take solace in that. But he didn’t. “I can’t stop thinking about her,” he said after a moment of strained silence. “I hate that I can’t go with Wash to get her.” As much as Kanan wanted to, he knew arguing with Wash would be a waste of time. Stubbornness was a trait he shared with his sister. And though he didn’t always come across as being so, Wash was too strong willed for a mind trick to work.
“We’d just started to figure things out,” Kanan went on. “Where we wanted our relationship to go. She’d said she’d be open to more. I want more and now…” he trailed off. Again his hand tightened hard around the beer bottle.
Katou frowned, watching Kanan, not sure what, if anything, he could say to make this better. He hated seeing Kanan like this. After a moment, he stood up and sat down again next to Kanan. He moved to put an arm around his shoulders. “Hey, if anyone can find her, Hyde can. It’s better if you don’t go. Not because you ain’t a badass, but because people do some stupid fucking things when they’re in love. I’d be pissed if you ran off and did something without thinking and got yourself killed over it.”
Katou wasn’t wrong. Kanan couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t do something stupid, either. The Dark Side loomed constantly and being flung into a situation in which men were doing terrible, horrible, torturous things to someone he loved would be one fantastic way to turn Kanan towards it. And even if he somehow managed to avoid the temptation and slipped up in such a way that he did get himself killed, or Wash killed or even Carolina killed? Yeah, Katou’d have a right to be pissed. Kanan didn’t want the younger man here grieving over him in the same way.
Katou wasn’t the touchy feely type either, so the arm around the shoulders was an unexpected, but very welcome gesture. And it helped ground Kanan a bit more, calm his frayed nerves. “You’re right,” he said as he took a breath. “I know you’re right. I’ve seen Wash in action. He knows what he’s doing. He’ll find her and bring her home.” Blind eyes turned in the direction of Katou’s voice. “Thank you, Yue.”
He brought the beer bottle up to his mouth to take a pull when a thought suddenly struck him. “Sophie,” he gasped, sitting up a little straighter on the couch. “Wash didn’t say if he had someone to take care of Sophie.” Kanan doubted Wash’d had time to think about who would take care of Carolina’s German Shepard, much less make arrangements. Shit Kanan hadn’t even thought of her until that very moment. Poor dog. Her master half a world away and she was cooped up in apartment all by herself. “Do you mind taking me to Carolina’s apartment to check on her, Yue?” Kanan asked. “And bring her back here if Wash hasn’t made other arrangements?”
Katou blushed at the thanks, and he found himself thinking, not for the first and probably not for the last time, that he was glad that Kanan couldn’t see him.
Katou didn’t have any problems with dogs - he actually rather liked them - and he he figured that Kanan probably needed something to do, even if it was something normal like going to pick up his girlfriend’s dog, so he stood up. “Yeah, no problem,” he said. “Maybe she’ll keep our little demented friend here in check, huh? We can go right now if you wanna.”
Kanan’s face turned towards the sound of Katou’s voice once heh’d gotten up from the couch and he nodded. “Yeah, I’d like to go now and bring her back here. She should be around people.” And Kanan needed her there. Even though watching Sophie was really rather miniscule in the grand scheme of things, it at least was enough for Kanan to feel as though he was helping. “Thank you,” he said. He’d already thanked Katou a number of times since Wash had left, and it was likely he’d thank him several more times before the day was done.