Jemma Simmons is a terrible liar (needanewplan) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-11-28 16:28:00 |
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Jemma liked to tell herself that the dreams were just that, dreams. Oh sure, there had been a lot that had happened because of the dreams. Trips to alien planets, illnesses that had just barely been solved, injuries, things showing up… In the end, they were still dreams and the real world mattered. She had been trying especially hard to hold onto that ever since the Framework dreams as they had thrown her more than she liked to admit.
So it’s like you woke up from a dream.
No. Not a dream, Simmons. A life.
But this is you, right? I mean… does it feel...as real.
She had needed to remind herself in the Framework that it was fake, 1s and 0s, and that had made dreams confusing.
Some days were easier than others. Hell, Jemma had gotten through the Framework dreams, the anxiety and worry about Fitz, defeating AIDA and then being taken to who knew where. But she never let herself really think about it, the questions left unanswered, the doubts and concerns. She had a theory on why it felt like she was focusing on one thing in the dreams given the greater issue at hand but to delve into that meant to think about that and there was too much to unpack.
And then there were days like today, where Jemma didn’t have much to do. No work, no side experiments or tests, just a day at home. So she’d done her morning routine and was sitting in the breakfast nook, tea in hand as she was supposedly reading a book she had picked up about women code breakers during the WWII. Supposedly though given the fact she was hadn’t turned the page in minutes and was just staring at the same spot.
Cosima’s dreams had been in limbo for several months. She knew they weren’t over yet, not with where they’d left off. She’d been hypothermic and Delphine was alive and there saving her life on an island in the middle of nowhere. It had come to the point where Cosima didn’t think about dream life much, except for whenever Felix made comments on where he was in the dreams. It seemed odd to her that she and Sarah seemed to be in the same place dream-wise and Felix was way behind them.
But it was a break in the dreams that Cosima was glad for. It had allowed her to focus on Jemma when she’d been sick, to be there for her after all the other crap that had come with her dreams as well. But lately, it seemed both of them were in a dream lull of sorts. She wasn’t aware of Jemma’s dreams progressing, or at least physical manifestations of them had seemed to have stopped for the time being.
Cosima got up a bit later than Jemma. Some days she was up with the birds, others she preferred to sleep in. Today was one of the sleeping in days. When she got up, she did her routine, showering and not bothering to get dressed more than pajama pants, tank top and a long sweater. The sleeves were rolled up to her elbows, exposing her forearm tattoos. Coming out into the kitchen, she saw Jemma sitting in the breakfast nook reading and she smiled.
“Good morning,” she greeted as she went to greet Jemma before grabbing her own cup of tea.
If there was one thing that both her dream experiences along with doing the side missions with Natasha had taught her, it was that Jemma was usually always aware of her surroundings, even when she was reading. So the fact that it took her a moment to realize that Cosima had entered the kitchen and greeted her? It was a sign to the fact that she was distracted by something. Still, she shook her head some to snap herself from her thoughts and gave a slight smile.
“Good morning.”
Yes. The real world. Things may not always make sense but it was still real. It was what she held onto when all the madness of Orange County and dreams for either her or Cosima (oddly timed lull for both of them for once) threw at them. So what did it matter these questions from the dreams?
A lot mattered though. While the revelations may have no impact here, they were still bothering her. The questions.
The delayed response was enough to send up the red flags in Cosima’s head. She was always keenly tuned to people’s emotions and could always seem to tell when someone was upset or distracted. Even moreso when Jemma was the type who was always aware of her surroundings. Cosima frowned slightly, tilting her head a bit.
“Is everything okay?” She worried about her girlfriend. And given Cosima’s tendency to wear her heart on her sleeve, she never could successfully hide the worry. She sat down across the table from Jemma, wondering if she’d have to prod. She knew sometimes prodding was needed But sometimes it wasn’t. Sometimes Jemma would open up easily.
It was just a matter of seeing what category this time fell under.
Was everything okay? That was the question now wasn’t it? No new dream trauma. Nothing was physically wrong. Yet it was just one of those days when she couldn’t ignore the dreams and all the questions and issues seemed to crop up and distract her as there was nothing going on to hold her attention.
What could have changed so much that he would become like this?
Well that’s obvious, Simmons. You’re not in his life.
And then all the horrible things Fitz had done in the Framework with that change. That and his father raising him.
“Yes. Mostly.”
Sighing, Jemma got up to go to the table to sit across from her girlfriend.
“Do you ever feel like in the dreams that when there is so much to unpack and look at, it feels like you’re focusing on something not as important because it’s the easier option. Not that it’s easy or better, just… it’s less to try and look at?”
It was something. Not exactly opening but asking a hypothetical to start the conversation. She knew that Cosima often questioned her counterpart in the dreams in regards to her relationships and Jemma often was the same about Fitz. This though wasn’t that. Not really.
Cosima was patient, looking at her girlfriend as she waited to see if she’d start talking about what was bothering her. When the question came, it was an intriguing one, but it was one that Cosima understood well. How often did she herself focus on one aspect of her own dreams because the bigger picture was harder to deal with?
It was frequently. Dyad. Neolution. Delphine. Leda. Castor. It seemed that the more she dreamt, the more questions she had and the less answers she got. She was still sick in her dreams, and that tended to be what she focused on when she did dream.
“Yeah, I do. I do that sometimes when there was too much to handle in the dreams.” She hoped that would help Jemma, giving them some more common ground on that side of things. The two of them were alike in many ways, which tended to make complicated conversations easier to have. But it could also make them more difficult as well, depending on the subject matter and if either of them got too emotionally charged about it.
Cosima was hoping this would be one of the conversations that would fall under being easier.
Jemma nodded some as Cosima answered. She knew on some level that her girlfriend did that. Or that she questioned her actions in the dreams as a whole, especially in regards to Delphine. Sighing, the biochemist ran her fingers through her hair.
“The Framework…” Which she honestly hadn’t said much about beyond her one post about it just because it was hard enough for her to remind herself in the dreams that it wasn’t real, to try and explain it here? Too complicated. “I guess you can say it’s similar to the Dreams. In it, one thing is changed, a regret, and the world adapted as more people were added and more small or large changes happened. People who were dead were suddenly alive, those who died in the Framework died in real life. Fitz, well… Fitz was a completely different person. Experimented and killed Inhumans, high ranking Hydra. In love with AIDA, who in the Framework was real and calling itself Ophelia or Lady Hydra.”
It was hard.
“I couldn’t understand how he would be so different and Daisy made a comment about how it was because I wasn’t in his life, he had never known me because I’d been murdered at SHIELD academy and dumped in a mass grave,” A Jewish queer woman dumped in a mass grave, that didn’t have horrible connotations. “I didn’t want to think about it. Then it turns out his father was in his life. It made sense. That was why he was so awful… when we got out, I thought it would be over. Everyone was back to themselves but May said that it was like living another life and I just…”
Shaking her head, Jemma took a sip of tea. She was glossing over a lot of what happened in the Framework. Trip and Ward alive. The death of the Director.
“It sort of seemed like in the Dreams I was more concerned that Fitz was in love with someone else than what it means for him, that he could still be like that. But at the same time, there’s so much there, that him being in love with someone else? That’s easier to worry about. I get it I just…I don’t know. Sometimes it’s quiet and I find myself thinking about it. All of it.”
Cosima preferred to not think about Delphine at all. While she understood her dream self loved her, looking at it through the lenses of this life, she would never have forgiven Delphine if it had happened here. She had spy-banged her, which was totally not cool, and Cosima here still had a sore spot in that respect. Sometimes she wondered if it would be better if Delphine was here so she could actually say some of the things she wanted to say to her.
She listened carefully to Jemma as she explained about the Framework. Which sounded like a bad acid trip or something. Even if Jemma wasn’t giving her all the details, she could totally see why she’d fixate on Fitz being in love with someone else. And the whole mass grave and Jemma being Jewish did not escape her notice either.
“I can see why you’d focus more on wondering if Fitz was in love with someone else. It must have been a really horrible experience, and I think it’s human nature to block out the worst things and focus on something that’s easier to handle.” Though she wasn’t a psychologist, she couldn’t say anything for certain there, it was more a hunch on her part.
Cosima reached out, setting her hand over Jemma’s. “Did you try to talk to him at all?”
Hearing Cosima verify what she knew on a logical level did help. That even if it seemed ridiculous from the outside to focus on something like a potential threat to a relationship, it was the easiest of the issues at play. Because everything else had a lot of horrible connotations and it was all so raw and made her question things and worry.
“Not really. AIDA came through the Framework, built as a real girl.. Only with different Inhuman abilities from the experiments Fitz did in the Framework and it was set on destroying all of us. There wasn’t really time to talk about it. We managed to survive, went to a diner for the first time I think all of us had been together in far too long and then were arrested or… something. I’m not quite sure. Hands up, bags over our heads and then nothing.”
Because when in her dreams did they ever have time to talk about things that needed to be discussed?
“So I’m left here with doubts and concerns like how Daisy seemed to imply that without me, Fitz would be this horrible person. Questions on how me not being there and him being raised by his father could make him capable of all of that. Of these other lives…. Of being thankful that I didn’t have a Framework life as well to deal with, just the memory of waking up and clawing myself out of a mass grave.” Which had crossed over here. “At least when things are quiet enough that the thoughts come up.”
Cosima frowned a bit. AIDA trying to kill them all was definitely not good. But at least they’d all survived that experience. Even if it wasn’t the easiest thing to get through. But then apparently they’d all gotten arrested or something and that didn’t sound good either. And clearly seemed to be where Jemma’s dreams had left off.
“Do you wonder if Daisy was right?” Cosima asked a bit bluntly. But she also saw an odd perspective on it. “Though what happened in the Framework isn’t all that different from us dreaming of these other lives, of choices and life experiences we have that we don’t have in this life. You have no more control over what happened to everyone in the Framework than you do over what happens in your dreams in general.” Though Cosima knew that didn’t exactly bring much comfort, but it was still something that needed to be said, to be reminded of. Sometimes Cosima herself could forget she couldn’t control her dreams and just wanted to slap her dream self sometimes.
But when it came down to it, worrying about the what if’s in the dreams tended to drive one crazier than was needed. There was more than enough crazy in Orange County, they didn’t need to add to it unnecessarily.
“Sometimes? I don’t know.” Groaning in frustration, Jemma held her head in her hands, staring down at her tea as her hair fell fell over her hands and fingers as she hadn’t put it up that morning. Still, Jemma had made the connection as well, that the Framework was like the Dreams in the different lives. God how that had thrown her while she was dreaming about it. How to remind yourself something was real when even in your Dreams, you had to remind yourself that it wasn’t real. “I don’t want to be…. It’s way too much pressure. But I also know how people can influence who you are. But if he’s capable of that….”
Shaking her head, Jemma looked up and let out a slow breath.
“I know that. Logically I know that. And I try to focus on what we have here because that’s what’s real in the midst of all this multiverse alternate life nonsense we’ve been dealt.” It was how she got through a lot of it really. “But I still worry sometimes.”
Reaching out, Cosima set a hand on Jemma’s shoulder, squeezing it comfortingly. “People can definitely influence who someone can be, but in the end, the choice is theirs and theirs alone. Sure, people can be shaped by experience, but under most circumstances, they have the choice of who they want to become.” People always had a choice in who they were, unless something like brainwashing or some other method of mind control was being used, of course.
“I know you and Fitz are close, but I don’t think him being a terrible person or not rests solely upon you. He had different experiences and different choices in the Framework than he did in your Dreams proper. And it’s okay to worry about it, but you can’t let it consume you either. I know it’s not always easy for you to talk about the Dreams, but if you ever need to, I’m here. Even if it’s the middle of the night and you can’t sleep or something. Or even if you just want company.”
She paused a moment. “Though I do hope that you can talk to Fitz about things because I think you two have a lot that needs to be worked out in the Dreams.”
It really wasn’t easy for Jemma to talk about her Dreams. She was so used to having to keep moving on because there was always some other crisis to deal with, and the others had it worse than her, that it did take a lot for her to open up. Still, she was thankful that Cosima wasn’t annoyed by it, or all the things her dreams threw at them even when she didn’t talk about them.
Smiling some, the biochemist nodded.
“Again, logically I know all of that, but it helps to hear it said aloud by someone who isn’t me. But so do I…” Because really, there was a lot there and knowing the way her dreams went, Jemma knew that the chances of the two talking was unlikely.
“So. What about you? Anything particular been on your mind?” Because really. There was only so much that could be said about everything dealing with the Framework and that stress.
Cosima definitely understood that sometimes it took someone else to say the logical things like that for it to get through. And sometimes the fact that they were both scientists helped as well. They both had logic and reason in abundance so long as emotions weren’t getting in the way, of course. As long as one of them was able to remain grounded when the other was having problems, it tended to work out.
“You’re welcome,” she responded with a smile of her own. She knew it hadn’t quite been a ‘thank you’ but it was close enough.
Though it was really funny how such a simple and innocent question suddenly made Cosima a bit nervous. Because there had been something on her mind of late. She just hadn’t quite found the right time to bring it up with Jemma. Or the right words. But now seemed as good a time as any.
“Yeah, yeah there is something on my mind. I’ve been thinking about it off and on for a while, actually. Just never quite had the right time to bring it up.” Cosima took a breath, doing her best to keep her hands from flapping about too wildly. “What do you think about you and I getting married?” There was no proposal, no ring, because this was more just seeing if Jemma was open to the idea. Cosima didn’t want to go through the whole thing of planning and proposing only to get a rejection or something. So this first. Then there’d be a ring down the line if Jemma was open to the idea.
That often was the trick, making sure that at least one of them was calm enough to handle the logic and reason that was necessary when Dreams became too much to handle. It was probably a good thing then that they didn’t share a Dream-world. Yes, sometimes it left things harder to explain, but it also gave them the distance necessary to maintain a bit more levelheaded when it was necessary.
Of course, Jemma had no idea what her question would do. It was simply following the flow of conversation. But then Cosima asked her question, what her thoughts would be if they were to get married. It had sometimes come to mind, between Natasha’s questions both months before and then her brush with immigration, plus the conversation with the fake!Fitz, though that was all worked out.
“I certainly wouldn’t be opposed. I mean, we’ve been together for two years and given the nature of this place and everything we’ve both been through, I think it is safe to say that we have been through more that most people would in a lifetime and we’ve come out of all of that. Stronger even when at the time it seemed impossible.”
Jemma couldn’t deny that the idea did make her smile though. Her and Cosima married? Yeah. She could see that.
While Cosima wasn’t completely proposing, she was still nervous about how Jemma would feel about it. In some ways, two years was a short amount of time to know someone before getting married. But when they were Dreamers and dealt with everything Orange County threw at them, and they’d both gone through near-death experiences, it tended to give their relationship a lot more depth than most normal relationships would in the same period of time.
Cosima couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face when Jemma said she was open to it. “I agree. I don’t think there’s many other couples that can say they’ve been through two near-death experiences, alien monoliths, countless invasions and everything else that comes with being here. But I believe we’ve come through it stronger, and we will face whatever is to come together.”
And Cosima would definitely like to do that by Jemma’s side.
Now all she needed to do was to find the perfect engagement ring and plan an actual proposal. Because she was weirdly traditional in some things, proposing being one of them.