Ruby Rose | Team RWBY (eyesofsilver) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-11-26 08:49:00 |
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Sometimes it was one step forward and two steps backwards with Ruby when it came to dealing with people. She'd been trying to deal with everything that had happened in the Dreams and Orange County and be there for her team as well as doing catch up work for school and studying with finals coming up as well as avoiding sleep and the Dreams because of all the losses, which had led to falling asleep at Emerald City Cafe. After that, she'd tried to slow down on the burying herself in schoolwork and projects and sleep. She also knew that Uncle Qrow was most likely right, she couldn't deal with everything on her own even as the others were all dealing with their own things and she didn't want to add to their issues. She could handle it.
But Yang's text and bringing back the idea of moving in with her and Weiss and wanting to get Blake involved as well seemed to make all the confusing feelings and drowning feeling come back. She had a feeling that Blake wouldn't want to do a Team RWBY move in. At least not based on the fact that Blake was trying to figure herself out without others telling her what she should be. It would be hard to do that if she was surrounded by people who had Dreams where she was in them. At least, that's how it felt for Ruby and what she felt she was supposed to do and be and she knew it was more complicated for Blake because of her past. Plus she'd been sworn to secrecy about Blake's PTSD and she tied all of that into one thing.
Not to mention she didn't want to share a room with anyone, not really. And she was worried about her dad and Zwei. But she didn't want to upset Yang.
So instead of responding to the texts, Ruby had decided to watch MythBusters and try and sort through her thoughts. Only it hadn't done much good and so she had decided to go to her mom's grave. Which...awkward and she shifted some as if her mom would be able to see her.
"Hey, mom. It's been a while, hasn't it? Sorry about that."
At least a couple months, after the Jungle Temple thing Ruby had been confused by the image of her mom she'd seen, her words and how they'd been weighing on her ever since, cumulating in what had happened when the Grimm had attacked and she'd lost control and then been in a coma. Scratching the back of her head some, the teen sighed.
"Dad's doing okay. I think I really scared him at the beginning of the month. Not intentionally but my eyes changed colors for no reason I could explain and then I was in a coma for a few days and they couldn't figure it out because it had to do with powers and Dreams. Kinda like you were, but not. Yeah, that's new right? Apparently I have this power but I don't know what it means or what to do about it. Dreams are weird. At least ones here. We fight things called Grimm and Yang and I go to this school to train to fight them like you did in the Dreams. But now I don't know. They make things really confusing. Oh. Yang is doing well. At least mostly. It turns out her motorcycle accident was a cover and she lost her arm because of the Dreams." She hadn't been there. Hadn't been fast enough. "Oh! I've made some friends too! Blake and Weiss. They're also in the Dreams. Blake is really nice, shy and went through lot of bad things. Weiss is...well, Weiss. She's hard to get to know, very prim and proper and I didn't think we'd ever get along because she was always blaming me for things but we're also friends. She's trying to be her own person too. I think she'll definitely figure it out and she has us to help."
Shifting some, Ruby knelt down and started to tend to the grave. Yes there were groundskeepers for this sort of thing, but she needed to do something.
"I feel lost though. Not lost like I don't know where I am. Just... after what happened. I'm supposed to be a leader and I don't know how to do that. I wasn't fast enough to keep Weiss from getting hurt, or save Pyrrah in the Dreams... and there was this you who said everyone would leave me like you did.... but Uncle Qrow says you'd never say that and I know he wouldn't lie to me. And now Yang wants us all to move in together even though there's only three rooms. I think she's been really lonely because she was dealing with the Dreams for so long before the rest of us showed up. She wants that community but... I don't know. I don't want to upset her.... but I don't know if it would work, or if Blake will even agree. I don't think she will and that will really upset Yang too. But I also don't want to leave dad. Not so soon after being in a coma and scaring him. I also don't know what it would be like."
Sighing, Ruby finished up her pulling of weeds around the grave and sat against it, staring up at the sky.
"I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want. I know what Yang wants... and I don't know what to do because Uncle Qrow says I need to be able to talk to them about these things. That just because I'm team leader, I need them like they need me. And I know he's right but I don't know how to say anything, not when they all have their own things to deal with. I'm also scared that if I did move in, I would feel like I have to be one way. I feel like that with dad too, I don't want to worry him and at least with Yang and Weiss and maybe Blake even though I don't think she'll agree... I know they at least understand the Dreams which dad doesn't... but it's not as 'rawr you're supposed to be a team leader, so you have to always be okay.' with him. I'm supposed to be the okay one in the face of everything and I don't know that I am. Not right now...."
Hugging her knees to her chest, Ruby rested her chin on the top of her knees.
"I just feel like I'm being pulled in all these directions and I can't ground myself. I just...want to work on projects and shut it all out but I know I shouldn't do that. That it isn't healthy. But it's the one thing that makes sense in all of this. In the Dreams I could leave, head towards Mistral and Haven to find answers about what had happened in Beacon. Answers for why our friends died and how to fight back. I don't have that here. Here it's just a jumble of everything..."
Closing her eyes, Ruby let out a slow breath before falling silent for a while.
"I really miss you and wish you were here. Maybe you wouldn't have answers either because you wouldn't be on the network but... I still miss you. Especially now that it's holiday time."
There was nothing that could be done about that, though. Summer had died and been dead for years. The only way she knew what was going on in their lives was by visiting family members telling her gravestone what she had missed.
"I should probably get going though." Standing up, Ruby brushed the dirt off her knees before looking at the gravestone. Summer Rose. Thus kindly I scatter. "It was good talking to you."
Not that Ruby had gotten anything out of the conversation. But she had at least managed to put things (mostly) into words, even if it was to someone who couldn't respond. It was a step in the right direction as opposed to keeping it all bundled up inside with no outlet at all.