Who: Kanan & Carolina When: Today, after these texts Where: Chateau Katou What: Carolina has a big decision to make Rating/Warnings: Low/None Status: Complete on posting!
Carolina had been expecting a visit from her CO for a while now. They had exchanged several phone calls and emails after she had returned from Africa, but this was the first time she had seen him in person since she had been debriefed. Right away, she could see the mixed feelings on his face. The man might have loved playing poker, but the redhead had always been able to read him like a book. He didn’t stay long. Just long enough to give her a folder and send her mind spinning.
Long after the General had left, Carolina sat in the small dining room, staring at the folder he had left for her on the table. Wash and York were currently at work, but she needed to talk about this with someone. Someone who understood. Barring that, someone who understood her.
The text message to Kanan was sent in the time it took her to grab her keys. Her knees still ached when she drove, but she needed to see him. To talk to him in person. Carolina didn’t want to have this discussion over the phone. Her joints ached with every sudden movement of the vehicle, but she was glad she had foregone the pills this morning in favor of grocery shopping. Waiting for an uber would’ve been even more painful.
By the time she pulled into the driveway at Chateau Katou, she was a mess of emotions. Everything from frustration to relief to nervousness tempered her thoughts in sequence as she went over what she wanted to say. Carolina had never been good at heart-to-heart conversations, but lately she had found that there was one person she didn’t mind seeing her bad sides. If there was one person she trusted to help her sort out her own feelings, it was Kanan.
She let herself in with her key, ignoring the newest flutter of nerves in her stomach. “Kanan? It’s Carolina.” The Marine called out into the house.
By the time Carolina arrived at the house, Kanan had turned the couch into a cozy little place for Carolina to curl up and sleep if she wanted to. He’d pulled the pillows from his bed along with one of his blankets for her to wrap up in if she wanted to. He had considered making her tea, but still wasn’t quite confident enough with his knowledge of how his kitchen was set up to be 100% sure he put the right tea bag in her mug, so he turned on the electric kettle. She could direct him to the correct cupboard and box of tea if she wanted.
His stuff was already set up to make his final report to Shepard. The recording of the conversation he’d been assigned to “casually overhear” was already on his laptop, as was the software he used to timestamp the important parts, compile them and then dictate his analysis and final report. Easy. He moved the laptop into the living room so he could work on it while Carolina relaxed or dozed. It wasn’t ideal, but after everything that had happened, Kanan preferred to spend as much time with her as he could.
He’d just set his laptop down when he heard keys in the door and Carolina enter the house. He didn’t have to see her to know that something had happened. Her emotions were all over the place. That wasn’t like Carolina, who was always in control, even in the worst of situations. The only time he’d sensed this kind of turmoil from the marine was when her brother had gone down due to an extremely serious Dream-related injury. Something was wrong. Instantly Kanan thought the military was sending her somewhere else. Reassigning her. Or worse, shipping her out somewhere else dangerous.
The report could wait. Kanan abandoned his computer on the coffee table and made his way towards the front door. “I’m right here.” He kept his own emotions in control and his voice steady. “Something’s wrong,” he said. “What is it?”
It was strange. That was the only word Carolina could think of to describe it. No matter how frazzled she was, her emotions always seemed to soften when she saw Kanan. Coming over hadn’t changed anything - yet - but there was still this underlying feeling that everything was going to be alright. She had often commented that he must be using some sort of Jedi mind trick on her, at least until she had seen the real thing in action. Walking into the living room, she set her purse on the table and reached out to take Kanan’s hand. She laced their fingers together and lead him back to the couch to sit. Between shopping and driving, her knees had been taxed enough and the handful of aspirin she had taken that morning wasn’t cutting it anymore. Besides, this wasn’t really a conversation that should be had while standing.
Carolina cleared her throat before speaking. There was no sense beginning with small talk when Kanan obviously knew something was up. “My CO came to see me today. My unit’s being disbanded.” She didn’t want to get into all the details. Partly because it would just infuriate her again, but mostly because Kanan didn’t have the clearance. One day, she promised herself, she would tell him anything and everything he wanted to know, regardless of security clearance.
“Because of my… role in what happened last month, I’ve been given a choice. I’ve been offered a promotion and a permanent position at Pendleton. However, it would be contingent on me formally accepting a new commission of no less than five years.” It was actually a great honor, regardless of the circumstances. Carolina was sure her CO had pulled at least one string just to be able to give her the option in the first place. Few women ever made it to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel and accepting the offer would be a sure way to get her previous military career back on track.
“If I turn down the promotion, they will release me from my current obligation to the Corps for time served as a prisoner of war. Pending a final medical review from my doc, I could be discharged by the end of the month. Either way, I will never be sent on another mission abroad.” That last part hurt more than Carolina wanted to admit. To be told that being both female and an Officer made her a liability in the field, regardless of how good she was, pissed her off. That her CO had a point made it even worse. “He gave me until the end of the week to decide.” The General had thought he’d be leaving her apartment with an answer, but after a few heated words had eventually conceded a few days’ leeway to “discuss things with her husband” before she made her decision.
Kanan had long accepted that there were certain things Carolina just couldn’t tell him. He didn’t even know the details surrounding her imprisonment or rescue. She was home, injured, but recovering. But the details? Kanan wasn’t privy to them. Wash had made that crystal clear when Kanan had attempted to ask him. Even recovering himself, the guy could be stubborn as hell.
The military, her missions, were a whole part of Carolina’s life Kanan would never and could never be a part of. He had accepted that, yes, but that didn’t mean he liked it. Staying home while she had been in danger and being told that not only could he not know anything he couldn’t help had been nothing short of excruciating.
Therefore on the one hand he was incredibly relieved to hear that the marines would not be sending Carolina on any more missions or putting her in any more danger. But on the other he knew just how much that life meant to Carolina. It was a part of who she was, and now they were taking it away from her because of things outside of her control. Carolina didn’t want to admit how much that hurt, but Kanan didn’t have to be a Jedi to know it did.
He was quiet a moment, processing his own thoughts. He’d told her when he had finally been permitted to visit her how worried he’d been and how glad he was that she was home. In that conversation, though, he hadn’t admitted to her that he’d been smoking like a chimney, or how he’d spent his nights pacing around the house, or how his stomach had leapt into his mouth every time his phone rang, or how he’d been anxious for and yet dreading any news that came. He hadn’t wanted to put that kind of weight on her. He loved her. He wanted to make a life with her, and if they were going to find a way to make that happen, he would have to be honest with her about how he felt.
He squeezed the hand holding his. “I can’t lie and tell you that I’m disappointed they won’t be sending you overseas,” he said gently. “The moment Wash told me you were MIA my entire world stopped. The only thing I could think about was finding you and bringing you home. And when Wash told me I couldn’t, it was almost impossible for me to accept.” A few nasty words had been exchanged between the Jedi and the former marine, words Kanan regretted, but wouldn’t apologize for. “Staying here and waiting was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I was so afraid I’d never hear your voice again.” His imagination had tortured him with other things concerning what was happening to her, but he wouldn’t burden her with that. However, just thinking about what could have happened caused his voice to thicken around a lump forming in his throat.
He reached out for her with his other hand. Afraid of blindly touching a tender still healing spot, his fingers found her soft red locks instead. “But I am sorry. I know what being a marine means to you. What going on those missions mean to you and as much as I may not like them, I don’t like that they’re taking them away from you either.”
At the touch, Carolina closed her eyes and leaned into his hand. “Thank you. For telling me.” She was glad he was telling her the truth about his feelings instead of burying a smile beneath false platitudes. She was also glad that he had reached for her hair and not her face, as her cheekbone was still a mess of bruises and healing bones. Part of her was glad Kanan couldn’t see what they had done to her. The other part knew how selfish that was and how pissed off she’d be if their situations were reversed.
“I don’t like putting you through all that either, but I’d also be lying if I said I wouldn’t do it again if I was called. It’s who I am. Who I’ve always wanted to be.” For as long as she could remember, Carolina had wanted to be a Marine, like her mother. Actually being one had taught her that any relationship that survived the Corps had to be founded on honesty and acceptance. It was easy to pick out the military wives that thought they had signed on for honor and glory instead of months of lonely, bitter nights. “And I am sorry that I can’t do anything about that.” Putting herself in harm’s way was her job, but that didn’t mean she enjoyed worrying the man she loved.
Opening her eyes, Carolina studied his face, even though by now she knew every rise and ridge by heart. She might not be able to tell him about her mission, but there was nothing stopping her from telling him about her past. Looking down at their joined hands, she found that admitting her faults to him was not as difficult as she had thought it would be. “The first time I was serious about someone, I knew from the beginning that I would have to choose between our relationship and becoming a Marine. He had no idea that I was going to be an officer. I hid that part of myself from him and eventually, I alone made the decision to end things without even telling him why.”
Carolina ran a thumb over his knuckles. She didn’t want to get this wrong. Kanan deserved that much and she loved him too much to risk losing him over misplaced pride. “I don’t want to make the same mistake and try to choose between us and the Corps. I’m not going to lie or hide who I am. I will always be a Marine, but I love you.” Her free hand came up to cup his cheek. “So either we find a way to make it work with me at Pendleton, or I’ll take the discharge and we will make it work here instead.”
As Carolina spoke, Kanan’s chest tightened. It sounded to him, at first, that she was ending their relationship, that the Marine Corps and the two of them could not co-exist. That wasn’t what Kanan wanted. He wasn’t foolish or arrogant enough to think he could tell Carolina what to do or how to live her life. He didn’t want to either. He understood and accepted what being with someone in the military meant. The job, the Corps, always came first. It wasn’t ideal, no, and he couldn’t join the marines the same way he’d joined the Rebellion. However, he was absolutely willing to live the life if it meant he and Carolina could be together.
For some reason the way her thumb caressed the backs of his knuckles silenced any protests he was about to make. She spoke again and any fear Kanan’d had and the protests that had come with it all died instantly. He couldn’t help the relieved smile when she said she wasn’t going to make the same mistake she had before. They could make this work. “I know you’ll always be a marine,” he said, “and I’d never ask you to be anything different.” His smile turned slightly teasing, “you’d kick my ass if I even tried.” He didn’t want her to change, was the point.
His fingers gently brushed through her hair and the meaning of her last statement became clear: she had a decision to make and it was no easy decision, either. Carolina would do well at Pendleton, of that Kanan had no doubt. But would she be happy there? Kanan couldn’t say for sure. He knew he wouldn’t be happy regulated to a desk and doing paperwork all day. Hell, Carolina could do that here for Shepard and still get to go on field missions whenever the county decided to go all crazy on them. Their family was all here too. Kanan was fairly sure if asked Wash would go with them, but he doubted the man would either be happy or do well outside of the county. And of course there was Katou. He was a part of Kanan’s family too.
He took a breath. “I want you to be happy,” he said at last. “I can tell you what I think, but the decision is yours. Would you be happy at Pendleton? Or would you rather stay here?” He squeezed the hand holding his. “Whatever you decide, we’ll find a way to make it work.”
Carolina couldn’t help a small smile at Kanan’s teasing. “Damn right I’d kick your ass. There is no such thing as an ex-Marine. You should know that by now.” Especially after having to deal with her brother. Wash also hadn’t been privy to the details of her mission, but she knew that based on his own experiences in the military, he’d figured out most of it at this point. At the very least, he knew that she had not been on a simple training mission.
Back to the matter at hand. Carolina considered the questions. “I don’t know if I’d be happy at Pendleton. I know it’s what I’m supposed to want. I could make a big difference there. Greenlighting important missions. Maybe even helping out my fellow Marines from mission control. Protecting them with a pen as much as I did with my gun. It would be steady work, and I’d have plenty of time off base.” His fingers caught on a tangle, tugging on a sensitive patch of scalp, but she didn’t pull away or wince. She didn’t want him to think he’d hurt her. Mostly because she didn’t want his hand to leave her hair. His touch was very much missed right now.
“But it’s not the same. Wash is here. York’s here. Katou and Shepard’re here. The Agency’s here. Commuting in the short term was fine, but if I did this, I’d need to move down there full time. No more Dreams, no more fighting the latest invasion. Just… back to regular life.” Such a thing had its appeal, but it worried her at the same time. What if Kanan found the regular life too boring? Or resentful that she put the Corps above him? She wouldn’t forgive herself if she was the one who made him miserable. Besides, there was always the possibility that even if they didn’t get married, if she got promoted enough, the Corps would want more background on him, regardless.
“I want to know what you think, too.” Carolina squeezed his hand. “That’s what we’re supposed to do in relationships, right? Talk things over. Make big decisions together. I don’t want you to go along with this just because you think I might disagree.”
Even from childhood Kanan had never had a normal life. A regular life. Perhaps there was a kind of appeal for the chance to live one. But Kanan wasn’t sure if he’d ever really have a regular life. Even if they did move away. It would be a good attempt, but only an attempt.
“I know you’d do well at Pendleton,” Kanan said. “And you would do very good work, but I don’t think you’d be happy there. I think you would miss being a part of the action and seeing it only from a desk would make you insane. You need to be doing something, that’s just how you are,” he smiled, “and I love that about you.”
His fingers were still in her hair. He wanted to touch her, that was the only way he could really see her. The Force told him of her presence, that her emotions were no longer all over the place that sitting here with him had calmed her, but he couldn’t actually see her. He wanted to. He wanted to see her very badly.
“As messed up as it may sound, Orange County is the closest thing to a home I’ve ever had. And I think it’s the closest thing to a home you’ve ever had. All the really fucked up things aside, our family is here. Katou, Shepard, York, Wash.” Kanan chuckled, “you know I think Wash would probably come with us if we moved. He needs you, but just like you, he needs to be doing something. Neither one of you would really be happy.”
He paused for a moment considering how that may have sounded. “I don’t mean to say that Orange County’s little dramas make you happy, but you thrive under them. If you stayed here you could still work for Shepard, doing just what you did before. You’d still have the chance to do missions, defend people. Keep them safe.” He smiled again, “It’s what you do and you’re damn good at it.”
His hand fell away from her hair to take the hand that still rested on his cheek. He brought both of their hands together. “I meant what I said when I told you I want to be happy. Don’t think for a minute I’d go along with anything just because I was afraid you’d disagree. I still think you’d be happier and do better here, but it has to be what you want. This is your chance to do what you want and not necessarily what’s expected of you.”
Carolina looked down at their joined hands and gave herself time to think over what Kanan had said. Sitting at home at her kitchen table, she had come up with a confused bundle of emotions when it came to either choice. Now, it was like the tangles had been undone slowly and with every pass of his hand in her hair things got clearer. It wasn’t that she wanted to go to Pendleton, but that she wanted to want to go. Because that was what was expected of her.
Just like Kanan had said, she would never truly be happy only sitting behind a desk. Sure, there was paperwork to do at the Agency, but the insanity that she had come to know as Orange County practically guaranteed a chance to get back into the action once every few months. Enough that she’d have a reason to stay in top shape beyond a simple yearly physical. She would miss the camaraderie and her brothers on base, but they were no longer her only family.
It was also true that Wash might follow them down to San Diego and Carolina wasn’t sure that would be a good move for him, either. She knew how he longed to get back into the action, to have a purpose, and taking him out of the county would also take part of that away from him. He needed her and she needed him, but she needed him to be happy, more. Her brother had made a lot of progress in the last few months. Maybe enough to get his own place again or even move in with Anna. Carolina had seen him change, knew he had overcome his fears in the Jungle Temple, and had never been more proud.
Sounds like I’ve already made a decision, huh? Carolina gave their hands a rueful smile. She’d miss the military, but it wouldn’t miss her.
“You’re right. About all of it.” Carolina took a short breath, careful not to upset her ribs, and looked back up at Kanan. “I’m going to take the discharge. My CO won’t be happy, but he’ll get over it. If he doesn’t, I’ll just play him for my release.” Even injured and on pills, she was sure she could wipe the floor with anyone her CO brought to the poker table.
Now that she had made a decision she felt calm. Happy. She loved how Kanan had used ’us’ when mentioning the move. It was silly and should’ve been obvious, but it meant the world to her all the same to know that he wouldn’t commute and leave her alone in a new place. She had told him once that he would never be alone again, but it was comforting to be reminded that it went both ways. The redhead smiled at the man she loved, fully aware that if her brother were here right now, he’d probably be making toast jokes again.
Kanan was a little relieved that Carolina had decided to take the discharge. Not because he hadn’t wanted to move with her – if ever there was a time she decided she wanted to leave Orange County, he would readily go with her – but because now he would now for sure that she wouldn’t be sent somewhere where she’d be put in danger and he wouldn’t be able to help. Carolina could take care of herself, of course, but Kanan would rather be able to fight by her side. He didn’t want to say that he distrusted the military, but…well, he didn’t trust the military.
“I think that’s a good idea,” he said and laughed lightly, “I bet you’d kick his ass at poker.” Which was something Kanan would have liked to have witnessed, but he’d settle for a play-by-play recap. He squeezed her hands, “I love you,” he said. “And it sounds cheesy as hell, but I’m glad I’m able to start this new chapter with you.”
“That is cheesy as hell.” Carolina didn’t mind, though. She loved him too, cheesy bits and all. Even though she had enjoyed most of the missions she had been sent on by the military, it wasn’t quite the same as having Kanan at her back. Nor was it nearly as smooth as having Wash and York on either side of her. They had nearly died to bring her home and while she still thought the plan had been foolish, she would not soon forget everything they went through for her.
Talk of a new chapter brought up other things, too. Things Carolina had been slowly considering over the past year. Orange County had become her home. The house where she had grown up had been emptied of anything related to her family and rented to strangers. There was no spare bedroom or even a couch for her to return to if things went South. God knew Wash was never going to return to his stepfather’s house back in Washington. Sure, they had their apartment, but it wasn’t theirs. They just leased the place and any changes they made had to be minor and reversible.
However, if she wasn’t going to stay in the military, ready to deploy and move halfway across the world at the drop of a hat, then there was nothing to stop her from creating a haven here in the O.C. Somewhere that wasn’t temporary. Where anyone and everyone in their family could retreat to for as long as needed or stay if they so chose.
Her hands tightened on Kanan’s. The butterflies were back with a vengeance. Moving together to a new city was one thing, but Kanan had a home here in the county with Katou. Still, if they were really going to start a new chapter like he said, there was nothing to lose from asking.
“You know. Since I was injured, part of the discharge includes a settlement. I’ve been considering it for a while, but it wasn’t really an option while I was still in the military. Not that I’ve looked around yet, but I want to stay here in Orange County.” She wasn’t making any sense and she knew it. Carolina could feel her body wanting to fidget but she put a tight cap on that. She was not a teenage girl asking her boyfriend to prom. Taking a short breath, she straightened and faced Kanan properly. “What I mean to say is, staying here with you this summer was nice. Really nice. So, if I use that settlement as a down payment on a house, would you consider moving in with me?”
Even if Carolina had been staying there to avoid getting into a knock-down drag out fight with Wash’s mother, having her stay with him at his house had been wonderful. It had felt natural. It had felt right. Kanan hadn’t dared hope for it to become a permanent thing. He had always known that eventually Nora Jenkins would return to Washington and Carolina would go back to the apartment she shared with her brother and everything would go back to the way it was before. He’d thought then about asking her to stay with him, he’d wanted to, but he hadn’t. They had not yet revealed to each other their true feelings. At the time so far as Kanan knew Carolina still only saw him as a friend, a friend she could rely on. A friend she cared about. But enough to move in with? He hadn’t dared hope.
And now, here she was, gripping his hands with the sound of happiness in her voice asking him if he wanted to move in with her. A smile grew across his face. He leaned forward to rest his forehead gently against hers. “Of course I would.” He told her lovingly. “There isn’t anything I’d like to do more.”