Evie Frye is the intrepid sister (thesilentknife) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-10-31 02:06:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, evie frye, yang xiao long |
Who: Yang and Evie
What: Having a much needed and belated discussion about their break up.
When: Early October
Where: A cafe
Warnings: Pretty low
It had taken a while to work up the nerve to ask Yang if they could talk. Of course it had been a few months since they’d broken up, but after the venting session she’d had with Freya and a punching bag, it had taken a little while to sort her head out and figure out what she needed to ask Yang and what she wanted to get off her chest. Evie wasn’t certain she wanted to know the answers to some of her questions, but she knew she needed to know so she could stop beating herself up over it all.
She’d asked Yang to meet her at a cafe. Evie needed some serious tea for this, and she’d potentially need hard liquor when they were done. But tea first. Evie arrived early, feeling a bit anxious for this. It would also tell her just where her feelings on Yang stood since they hadn’t actually seen each other since the break up.
A million things were going through Evie’s head and there was a lot weighing her down. The terrorist attacks, the anniversary of her father’s death, the break up. She was emotionally drained, but managed to keep calm and carry on, maintaining that British stiff upper lip. She had her tea and had found a table for them. Her hair was in a braid, and she wore a long sleeved shirt today. She was dressed casual, almost looking as though she’d come from the gym. Which she had come from yoga, so it was an appropriate gym look. She had her dogtags on as well, which she always had except when she was working out or in yoga.
Yang hadn’t been prepared for Evie to contact her, but she’d welcomed it. She missed her, talking to her, being her friend. She also missed the making out, but that wasn’t an option.
Besides, any distraction from her personal problems would always be welcome.
Evie looked… good. Really good. Calm too, but Yang was pretty sure there was more going on under the surface than she let on. But that was always the case with Evie.
Not bothering to sneak up on her, Yang bounced over. “Hey!”
Ever since the break up, Evie had put up her walls, putting her heart under lock and key, then promptly threw away the key. She was protecting herself, and she was most definitely wounded. She was nowhere near as okay as she may have looked. But that was what she wanted, to have the appearance of being okay. Evie didn’t want people prying into her personal business.
Looking up, Evie smiled politely, feeling a little pang of pain in her chest, but she kept it well hidden. “Hey. I hope you don’t mind that I already got my drink. I was a bit early.”
“It’s totally okay.” Yang ordered a drink from the waiter as she took a seat, resting her hands on the table in front of her. She pushed some hair out of her eyes and tried to not be nervous. She failed miserably.
“Thank you for meeting me. It took longer than I had anticipated to be able to talk with you.” That had largely been helped by the fact Evie hadn’t really dealt with the break up and her feelings. She’d pushed them aside as much as she could and threw herself into work. She still immersed herself in work, but she ensured to get out enough to do other things. One of the reasons she’d started doing yoga.
“I’m glad you’re willing to. I missed our talks.” She could tell it wasn’t going to be just a friendly chat. She could tell it was going to be one of those chats.
But she still missed the talks and hoped that this could be the beginning of rekindling a friendship.
Evie looked at Yang, biting back a question of whether she really missed the talks or not. It was a question born out of all the questions that Evie had been asking herself relentlessly since the break up. She took a drink of her tea before she steeled herself and just went into it. No sense in beating around the bush, as they said.
“It’s taken me this long to get my head on straight again, but there are things I need to know, things I need to say. Even if I don’t necessarily want to, but need and want are two very different things.” And Evie needed this in order to put closure on it and to move on.
Yang didn’t answer the first part. It was obvious enough and she didn’t think Evie wanted Yang calling attention to it anyway.
“Go ahead. I’ll answer truthfully.”
Nodding a bit, Evie took a moment to settle on where she wanted to start. “I spent a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me that you couldn’t choose me. But ultimately I came to realize that I never really stood a chance to win your heart, did I?” She didn’t pause yet, needing to say something else first. “If Blake had not shown up, would you have stayed with me?”
How many times had Yang wanted to tell Evie that there was nothing wrong with her? Too many, too many times. She fidgeted with the edge of the table and nodded. “I don’t know about what ifs or what could have beens and you can’t predict the future. But I think I would have stayed with you.”
And she thought … “Even if I hadn’t loved Blake, I still would have put a lot of time into helping her. I don’t know if that would have been fair to you either.”
The last bit did bring another question to Evie’s mind, something that Freya had made her think about. To Evie’s credit, any anger or hurt she felt was kept to herself. “That does make me wonder, were you with me because you actually liked me? Or were you with me because you didn’t want to be alone?” That was another question that had haunted Evie ever since Freya had brought it to her attention. She hoped that Yang had been with her because she liked her, but she was prepared to hear the latter as the answer. Or perhaps Yang didn’t even know the answer herself.
Yang actually looked hurt, her head jerking back and her violet eyes growing wide. “Of course I liked you! You’re smart and funny and sexy and dangerous. Being with you was like being lit on fire.”
That was what Evie had hoped to hear. She let out a little breath that she’d been holding. “A fire that was quickly extinguished when Blake arrived.” She took a sip of her tea. “Dangerous being the operative word, there. Could you have really handled my job or what I do in my dreams? I could be sent halfway around the world at a moment’s notice if my superiors want it. And I hunt down and kill terrorists. I don’t think either of those would have been fair to you, leaving you behind like that.”
There was no real comeback for the quip about Blake. It was fair, even if it hurt. Okay so maybe she had a small comeback, “I mean, it’s not like I stopped being attracted to you. I just was trying to not.. hurt you worse.”
Her shoulder rolled and she shook her head. “And I dunno. I like to think I could handle it. Bad guys deserve to get their asses beat, as long as we know they’re actually bad and not just misunderstood or something.”
“Because you love her. I get it. But in that situation, I was going to be hurt no matter what because I’m not Blake. I wasn’t what you needed.” Blake clearly was what Yang needed. It hadn’t been an easy conclusion to come to, and it had left Evie in a very deep depression for a long time.
“The people I kill are never misunderstood. My Code forbids me from hurting innocents. In my dreams Templars seek to take away freedom of choice from the human race and create the world in their image. Here, I hunt terrorists. Neither are misunderstood.” There were no grey areas where Templars and terrorists were concerned. She drew in a steadying breath and squared her shoulders.
“Either way, for as much as I am hurt and angry, I know it worked out for the better. You have Blake, and I have my job. And my dreams reminded me that my father was right, and I shouldn’t have ignored his teachings.” It was a double-edged sword, really. Even mentioning her father prodded that emotional hole within her because of his death. There was a very brief look of sadness that passed through her eyes before Evie pushed it aside and back inside her walls.
At least Evie was a more precise weapon. No bombing weddings with her involved.
Yang gave Evie a smile she didn’t quite feel because it didn’t really feel like she had Blake. She worried she’d blown not just any romantic chances but their friendship as well. But she put aside her own sadness to focus on Evie’s. “I don’t think anyone should ever lock up their feelings entirely. Control them, god do I know that we need to control them. But lock them away is always bad.”
“Sometimes it’s for the best to keep them locked up.” Evie was never going to let someone take her heart again. She had her job, and she’d marry that. It was really better that way for everyone. “I know it may not seem like it, but I really do want you to be happy.”
That really hadn’t been what Yang had wanted, but she knew it wasn’t her place to say and it wasn’t her place to fix it, especially if Evie didn’t want it to be fixed. Yang knew what it was like to not want to be fixed. She also knew she couldn’t talk to Evie about her relationship problems, but Weiss hadn’t exactly been the most helpful either. Yang had no one to turn to.
“I want the same for you. No matter what it looks like for you. But I Think marrying your job is actually illegal in this state.”
In Evie’s mind, there was nothing that needed fixing about her. She had come to a realization, and now she was settling into that way of life, doing what her father had taught her to do. Duty came before all else, and she would not stray from that again.
“Yes, well, I shall simply be illegal then.” She sipped her tea again. “Though I forgot to ask, were you in love with Blake when we first got together? If so, why even date me in the first place when your heart already belonged to someone else?”
Yang’s eyes flashed red, raw emotion in her voice, “That’s not fair! She didn’t even exist outside of my dreams when we first met! What, you expect me to pine after someone I couldn’t have forever?”
Evie didn’t so much as bat an eyelash when Yang’s eyes flashed red. “No, but it clearly led to our break up when Blake did arrive.” And it was simply more proof that Evie had never been what Yang needed. She’d felt more for Blake than she did for her. “Ultimately your love for her was stronger than whatever you felt for me. And nothing I could have done would have changed that.” Sometimes Evie wished that her feelings for Henry Green had crossed over so she would have a better excuse to refuse to be in a relationship with anyone. But as it was, her feelings for him had not crossed over. Even if he showed up here, she’d be indifferent towards him.
Not that it even mattered since in her dreams she’d broken things off with Henry and pushed him away. Don’t let personal feelings compromise the mission. Her father’s words kept echoing through her head.
It was true, she hadn’t even realized how strong her feelings had been until she’d talked to Blake in the playground that first time. She’d thought she’d be okay, that her and Evie would be okay. “I felt... “ Like she’d been falling in love.
“You felt what?” Evie prodded, though she anticipated whatever Yang had to say would be in regards to Blake as opposed to her. Evie didn’t have low self-esteem, she’d just come to terms with the fact she wasn’t as good as Blake where Yang was concerned.
“Like I was falling in love with you,” Yang admitted. “Like we coulda worked out, without these damned dreams getting in the way.” She didn’t know if she believed in fate, or even liked the idea of fate. Had she been fated to love Blake? It was a scary thought.
It was hard to hear, but Evie took it in stride. Nor did she let herself dwell on it because there was no point. She wasn’t the one Yang actually loved. “Your dreams, at any rate. Mine brought me clarity.” Evie was completely hiding behind her father’s teachings, but it was how she protected herself, and it was how she coped with things. Just like she had her Creed to fall back on, she also had her father’s teachings. It was all she had left of him, and she clung to them tightly.
Yang couldn’t help but frown, yet there was nothing she could say or do. It wasn’t her place, even if she didn’t agree. Hell, it was pretty much her fault, which made her feel even more horrible. “I’m sorry.”
Regardless of anything else, Evie had seen just how bad caring about someone could be when it came to having to choose between them or the mission. Evie had abandoned her mission to save Henry, and she may have doomed London in the process. The Templars were able to get what they’d been after that would lead them to the Piece of Eden. She had yet to stop kicking herself for that, and she didn’t want to be put in that position in this life.
“I know. I need to let myself move on now. I’ve done more than my fair share of time being depressed.” Evie sipped her tea again. “I have thought about getting a dog, actually. Something to keep me company and also to use as a reason to not work forever.” Which is what Evie had basically been doing until she’d started taking yoga classes. “I’ve also taken up yoga, which has helped a lot.”
“That’s good.” Yang nodded at her, glad to hear about the dog and trying not to imagine what Evie looked like doing Yoga, because that led to the thought of Blake in Yoga pants and that would only serve to frustrate her. And make her feel guilty for even having those thoughts. “What kind of dog?”
“I don’t know. I’m going to adopt it, and I guess I’ll know when I see it.” It was a process, and thus far Evie’s search had consisted of looking at websites for adoption. She hadn’t quite had time to go to the humane society or other adoption places.
“I think I understand. That’s probably how most people do it. It’s what I’d do.” Not that Yang wanted a dog right now. They’d just gotten Zwei, even if he was more Ruby’s than Yang’s. And she had to consider Blake and dogs just didn’t get along. “I’m sure you’ll fall in love and it’ll fall in love with you.”
Evie shrugged a little. “I suppose we’ll see. It’s possible I may not find one at all.” Sometimes finding a pet was almost as hard as it was to find a significant other. And even if one was found, they didn’t always work out.
“I’ll cross my fingers for you,” Yang assured her. “And if you need a hand…” She gestured at her arm and winked.
It took Evie a moment to get the joke, but she did manage to crack a smile and even chuckle a little as she shook her head a bit. “I know just who to ask.” Even if it was still a little awkward and weird, but that was mostly just Evie needing to completely move on.
Yang just hoped that the awkward would go away. She missed Evie-the-friend.