Lena Luthor just wants to do the science (quantized) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-10-04 00:29:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, asami sato, lena luthor |
Who: Asami and Lena
Where: Asami’s place
When: backdated to 9/25, morning
What: The Procreation Temple is a bitch.
Warnings: Vague references to sexy times and body parts
Status: Complete
For as long as she could remember, Lena had always woken up very quickly.
This didn’t mean that she was a light sleeper, because she wasn’t, really. No, when she told others she was able to awaken very quickly, she was always quick to explain what that meant: Though not just anything woke her up, when something did, she was awake. There was no sense of grogginess, no half-baked dream still churning. Once her eyes were open, she was ready to do whatever it took to greet the day.
Today, she cursed that trait. She hated it with everything she had. Today, she’d like nothing more than to dwell in a dreamland for a little longer, or even go back to that approximate half-second when she didn’t know where she was. Because now that she was awake, her memories of the previous night were coming back quicker than she could handle.
With a deep, filling breath, she chanced a look over at the person whose bed she shared. Asami was still asleep, thankfully, and unaware of just what had gone on. Truthfully, despite the clear memories of her feelings and actions, Lena knew something wasn’t quite right. Sure, her separation from Asami hadn’t completely erased her attraction to the other woman, or even her feelings. But if there was one thing she knew how to do, it was compartmentalize. Lena knew for sure that something had come over her last evening, making what she’d been forcing herself not to think about for weeks become a reality. And, really - even if she could be convinced that she’d slept with Asami again completely of her own volition, she never would have said--
She was pulled by her thoughts as the woman in question stirred, turning over in bed. Lena froze, closing her eyes and praying to whatever deity would listen that Asami stayed asleep. She couldn’t do this. Not now. Maybe not ever.
By some miracle, Asami stopped moving, and with a quick peek, Lena saw that she was still asleep. With that in mind, she didn’t waste any more time.
Sitting up slowly, but with purpose, she swung her legs out of bed, eyeing the floor for her discarded clothing. Once she found what she was looking for, she stood, made quick work of collecting the pieces, and quietly made her way to the bedroom door.
It had been the last thing Asami wanted, and yet the thing she'd wanted most. She was used to heartbreak, and to being alone. Her dreams seemed like dreams, out of reach and yet just close enough to touch. So she was used to loneliness, even if she hated it. And then she'd destroyed something good and wonderful for someone who hadn't even been there all that long.
She'd welcomed whatever had come over her, barely needing an excuse to give in though she knew it was a mistake. And Lena's words still lingered in her mind when movement started to wake her.
The damned thing was she had felt exactly the same way.
"Me too," she mumbled, pushing herself up on the elbow as she realized the bed was empty. "Lena?"
A dozen responses flooded her mind at the gentle call of her name, the quiet words Asami had uttered as she woke entirely forgotten as she simultaneously cursed the deities that had once again let her down, and tried to figure out what she could say that would get her out of this situation.
She could be hostile; give in to the part of her that had become so bitter in the time since they'd broken up. She could be kind. Dismissive. Honest. The one thing she could not be was weak.
That thought had her straightening her shoulders, readjusting the pile of clothing in her arms as she spoke, sound reverberating around the room even as she continued facing the door. “Go back to sleep, Asami.”
Resigned it was, then.
"Just like that?" The sheet fell from Asami's shoulder as she rubbed her eyes. "We're not going to talk about this?" Or cuddle. Or go again. Asami tried not to sound eager, instead sounding a little raspy, worried.
Lena sighed heavily, taking a deep breath as she finally decided to turn around. She had thought that she and Asami would be on the same page with this - had hoped - but she was beginning to think she was an idiot to think that she could presume to know anything about what Asami would be thinking.
Keeping her head high and her shoulders straight, Lena turned, gulping quietly as her eyes, of their own volition, flitted down to Asami’s exposed breasts briefly before finally meeting the other woman’s gaze. Suddenly very aware of her own nakedness, she ignored the familiar feeling pooling in her abdomen and turned her eyes to her clothes, attempting to straighten them out so that she could put them back on.
She'd managed to slip on the blouse she'd been wearing the night before, foregoing the bra, when she finally spoke. “Talk about what? We briefly fell victim to old habits, and now it's over. It's not going to happen again, so we don't need to dwell on it.” She bit back the urge to give her permission to tell Korra, not wanting to complicate the conversation by bringing in the third player in this terrible little affair. Asami didn't need her permission, but if she wanted it, she'd have to ask.
It was a stupid thing to ask and Asami wished she could take it back as soon as Lena sighed. She didn't regret the view though, but she'd blame the sudden hitching of her breath on residual effects from the day before and not at how beautiful Lena was. Honest.
"I didn't think it was that bad." Asami couldn't help but make a little joke about it. She swung her legs off of the edge of the bed, pulling the sheet with her as she stood.
There was still something there, she could feel it. It only made her emotions more complicated.
Lena grit her teeth at the response; not liking that Asami was taking this so lightheartedly. This was not amusing, it was not fun, and it wasn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, a good thing. She refused to be dragged back into this when she’d work so hard to move on, and had even been relatively successful at it. That meant she intended to take it entirely seriously.
“You and I both know that was never the problem.” she said in annoyed, low tones, yanking her pants on.
Asami sobered up a little. She'd been trying to keep things light, not liking the weight that was settling in her chest. But she'd always been good at hiding how she really felt (a few exceptions not withstanding.)
"You and I both know you're going to pretend this didn't happen," She stated, tossing the sheet aside and bending to find her shirt. She tried to keep her voice steady, and mostly succeeded. "You pretend you don't feel when you feel everything too much."
She could recognize her own kind. "I'd say I'm sorry again, but it wouldn't do much good." Did Lena want her to grovel? Sometimes, it was tempting.
“Stop acting as if you know what I’m thinking.” Lena said, fighting to keep her tone even; to not reveal just how angry that assertion made her. “We dated for a month, Asami. We don’t know each other.” It was the truth. It was impossible to really know someone else after only a month. So why did it feel like a lie?
“No, it wouldn’t. I already believe that you’re sorry.” She said, fighting herself to keep from finishing the thought: What I don’t believe is that you wouldn’t do it again.
Asami opened her mouth to apologize, then changed her mind. What she really wanted to do was walk over and hug Lena. Hold her like she had the night before. But it obviously wasn't her place to offer comfort, as badly as she needed comfort herself.
Instead, she buttoned her blouse, "Sometimes I wish I could go back and change it.”
Lena sighed again, shaking her head slowly. “No, you don't.” Why was Asami doing this? As much as she hated what happened, she'd come to accept it was for the best. Now, Asami was sowing seeds of doubt, making her think that wasn't the truth. What exactly was her purpose, here? “You left me for true love. It hurt, but it was better that it happened when it did, and not much later. We were never going to make it.”
"You don't know that." Asami's voice took on a brittle quality. "You were the first person in this life who really got me. And you know, the worst thing? She's gone. You can laugh, if you want."
Asami leaned both hands on her dresser, "Every time I love someone they leave me, and the one time they don't leave, I push them away."
Something that had been on the tip of her tongue all night, too. She closed her eyes and breathed shakily. "I'm sorry, it's not fair to dump on you. I was the one that... I destroyed us for nothing."
It took Lena a moment to process that. Korra was gone? That didn’t seem right, or even possible. Korra had had a strong presence in her life for the past few months, despite her never having met her. That she could just be gone was…
Well, it was kind of insulting, actually. That this girl could come in and just completely torpedo her and Asami’s budding and very promising relationship, only to leave before she could live any sort of life here was not only unfair, it was infuriating. Only, she couldn’t really be angry and Korra, could she? She didn’t really deserve it. No, the fault rest solely with Asami.
And yet, Lena couldn’t find it in her to be angry with Asami. Indignant, yes. Sad and hurt, definitely. But not angry. Maybe at the situation, but not with her. That it had all blown up in both of their faces seemed to be punishment enough.
“I’m sorry to hear that.” She finally replied, tone honestly sympathetic. She really did wish Asami the best. God help her, but she did. “I hope that… I hope that you get another chance at it. If not with her than with someone that is good for you.”
It really wasn't fair and Asami felt like everything had spiraled out of control. Sleeping with Lena had been like opening a door in a storm and she couldn't get it closed again. Asami desperately wanted to close that door on the realization that as much as she loved Korra, a part of her was still hung up on Lena. Would that relationship have been doomed too?
The finality in Lena's words was no less than what she deserved, but that didn't make it hurt any less.
"I think I might just ... " Give up. "Avoid the dating scene for awhile."
Lena nodded, not knowing exactly how to respond to that. On the one hand, she appreciated that she wouldn’t have to suffer through seeing Asami with someone else. On the other, Asami was the type that deserved the kind of love she’d hoped to find with Korra. It was a lesson their whole disaster of a relationship had taught her: Some people were just built to be alone. She was one of those; her soulmate was her work. Asami, though? Lena didn’t think she was cut from the same cloth.
“Do what you need to. Just don’t let yourself be unhappy because of all of this. It worked out the way it had to, in the end.” She said finally, heading back towards the door.
Did it really? Asami watched Lena as she approached the door, and she finally put words to voice before it was too late, "About what you said last night. I felt the same. I almost..."
They said almost was one of the saddest words in the English language, and Asami couldn't finish what she was saying originally. "Drive safe. I'm sure there are more of those mercenaries out there."
Lena stopped in her tracks, squeezing her eyes shut and begging the gods once again that Asami wouldn’t finish her sentence. They’d almost managed to get out of this incident relatively unscathed. That wouldn’t be the case if Asami finished that sentence.
Someone was listening this time, and she let out the breath she was holding. To her horror, though, she found that, even as the words remained unspoken, she still heard what Asami was saying loud and clear.
I think I was falling in love with you, too.
Not trusting herself to speak, she simply turned back to Asami, giving a tight smile and a nod, before opening her bedroom door and heading down the stairs.