Callisto (rageinmyheart) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-09-26 22:48:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, callisto, commander jane shepard |
Who: Shepard and Callisto
What: Getting Callisto to actually talk to her sister
When: Earlier this month
Where: Shepard's apartment
Warnings: Pretty low, though some references to Callisto's colored history
Since Xena hadn’t seemed able to get through to Callisto via txts, she’d sent a message to Shepard. Sometimes a lover could have better luck. Xena actually wondered if they’d even last, but she wasn’t about to bring that up.
Shepard would probably hit her.
“You’ve been in the same apartment for a month and you barely talk to her.” Shepard didn’t start with any niceties, launching right into it the second she walked in. “You can’t keep doing this.”
With Callisto’s luck, she couldn’t help but sometimes wonder why Jane put up with her. Love was a war, and this was the best evidence of that. When Jane walked in, she rolled her eyes.
“And why not? Is there some rule that I have to talk to her?”
“Yes.” Jane replied, and folded her arms. She’d planned to go looking for that tiny fluffball of doom. But this took priority. “You’re her sister. She’s getting suspicious, asking questions. And she’s pretty lonely. We’re going to have to spill the beans eventually.”
“Then let her ask. Won’t change the ultimate outcome.” Callisto still really didn’t want her sister to learn about the monster she’d become. Even if she remembered her, Callisto felt her sister would reject her after realizing what she’d grown up to become. And she’d rather not go through that.
“I just think it would be better coming from you than me or Xena,” Jane suggested. “It will come out eventually. At this rate, probably by accident.” Assuming Cass didn’t decide to confront Callisto on her own, which would probably be a disaster.
“Somehow I doubt it’ll matter who tells her that her big sister is a cold blooded killer. And that’s not even mentioning the demon shit Hydra gave me.” Which was something she seriously didn’t want Cassandra to know about.
“No, just that you’re alive.” Jane grabbed for Callisto’s shoulder, fully intent on shaking her .”Do you know how many people would kill to get a chance to see someone they love come back from the dead? They’re not going to care what you did or who you are. Just that you’re alive.”
Callisto grabbed Jane’s wrist, but not too tightly. “I’m not alive. The sister she knew and loved is long dead. And I’m not about to taint whatever memories she may or may not have of me by subjecting her to what I am now.”
“You can’t change who you are, and you can’t change what you’ve done. That doesn’t mean you can’t change the course you’re taking now. Life isn’t that you do something and then that’s it. Life is constantly making new decisions.”
“That suspiciously sounds like you’re saying I can be a good person if I choose to be. Well I can’t. I’m not a good person, and I can’t be a good person. I will always do terrible things, whether it’s by my choice or if they flip the switch on me and I start attacking people again.” Callisto let go of Jane’s wrist. “I’m not putting her through that.”
Jane shook her head. “Good people can do terrible things. Terrible people can do good things. Nothing is black and white. I choose to stay with you, because I love you. Terrible and good and all. Let Cass have that same choice. Fuck, Callisto. I thought you didn’t care what people think, but you sure fucking care what she thinks!”
Callisto narrowed her eyes. “Fine, then I’ll march right in there, tell her who I am and show her what I am and let her run screaming out the door.” Callisto did care what Cassandra thought of her, but in this moment, she’d rather scare her away. It would be better that way. She turned and headed off to do just that, clenching a fist tightly.
“Oh jesus.” Shepard followed, grabbing Callisto by the back of the shirt. “Do this right, don’t sabotage yourself like you do for everything else you do!”
She grunted as Jane caught her by the back of the shirt. “Clearly I haven’t sabotaged myself in everything because you’re still here.” And Xena was still there, though she seriously wondered why Xena was still here after everything in their dreams.
Xena probably wondered the same some days.
“Lets just take this like a normal person would. I know neither of us are all that normal, or all that good at doing normal things, but just slow down. Walk in there and talk to her. No shouting, no exorcist moves like twisting your neck around.” Even if that would be kind of badassed.
Callisto nearly protested about doing things like a normal person, but when Jane acknowledged that they weren’t normal, she didn’t have to. She ruffled her hair, making it look more disheveled and wild than it had been before. Another thing about Callisto was she didn’t do emotion easily. She was still working on the whole love emotion, but most other emotions that were supposedly the ‘softer’ ones that Callisto wasn’t good at either feeling or expressing, she tended to express anger instead. Though anger more being from frustration at what these feelings were than anything else.
“I don’t do good at talking either. Especially about shit like this.”
Jane kissed her, as much to shut her up as to support her, then pulled her head back. “Just start with the truth. You’re her sister, you didn’t know she was alive until now.”
The kiss came as a surprise. She just sighed heavily. “I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to get her hopes up that she can have her sister back because she can’t.”
“We tell her the truth on that too. That you are broken, and you’re different. But you’re still her sister. Maybe you can find a new kind of relationship.” Jane had a sibling, though she hadn’t spoken to him in years. She wasn’t sure what she’d say to him, but she sometimes wanted to make amends.
“Let’s hope she doesn’t end up pitying me because I don’t want her pity. I don’t want anyone’s pity.” Callisto may have been a victim, but she also chose to be angry about it, not mournful. Whatever pain she felt over her family’s death, she kept it to herself. And having killed the man who had set the fire had been extremely cathartic.
Sadness and pity weren’t always the same thing, but they could be easily mistaken for each other. Jane pulled Callisto closer, then pushed her into the hallway ahead of her, in search of Cass. “Enough dallying.”
Callisto grunted when she was pushed into the hallway. She cast Jane a look over her shoulder. She still didn’t want to do this, but it seemed like she was being left with no choice. Well, perhaps once the talk was over, however it turned out, Callisto could at least be left alone. No doubt she’d need some alone time no matter what.
“I’ll be here,” Jane promised, her voice low but close to Callisto’s ear. Even if it might be like she was marching Callisto by knife point to a firing squad.
But she would be there. She’d support Callisto as needed, and also balance her when she needed some ballast.
And lord would Callisto need some ballast for this.
Really, Callisto hated this. She wanted to run off, believing it was better for Cassandra that way. The less she knew, the safer she’d be. Callisto took a breath and headed out into the living room where Cassandra was sitting. Callisto stopped in the doorway, staring at her. She suddenly forgot what she was supposed to say. Cassandra didn’t notice her, busy reading something.
Clenching her teeth, Callisto smacked the side of her head, an attempt to stop the voices in her head from talking. It didn’t really work, but it felt like she’d made an attempt to try and shut them up.
But she took a deep breath, and tried to prepare herself for this talk.