Agent Washington (completelysane) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-09-05 19:50:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, agent carolina, agent washington |
Who: CarWash siblings (Carolina and Wash)
What: Carolina talks to Wash about recent bad decisions he's made
When: Backdated to July 21st
Where: The siblings apartment
Rating/Warnings Low to medium for references to past abuse and language
Status: Complete!
There was no alcohol in the apartment.
That statement had been true since the day the two siblings had headed upstate to that fateful cabin for Wash’s detox. Any bottles that Carolina had not found that morning had been cleaned out afterward by York. A completely dry place where temptation would at least not be within arm’s reach. Even when she was drinking, Carolina made absolutely sure that it was never around Wash or their apartment. Vegas, Dan’s place, the occasional bar - sometimes she would spend the night out instead of risking coming home reeking of beer and triggering her brother.
Sitting at the kitchen table, glass of sweet tea in her hands, Carolina wondered just when that statement became a lie. She had been nursing the drink for the last twenty minutes, trying to figure out just what to say to Wash when he got home. He had told her that he had started drinking again, but even with his mother in town, she had not thought that he would have devolved this quickly. Obviously, she had been wrong. Again. Sighing in frustration, she flicked a bead of condensation off of the glass.
Sophie was up and padding happily toward the door before Carolina had even heard the jingle of keys in the lock. Time’s up, Church. She took one last calming breath. At least she had managed to keep from pulling out the training mats. For now. Her eyes were clear and serious as they fell on the man currently being ambushed in his own home. “Wash, we need to talk.”
Those were words one never wanted to hear just when getting home, especially if one had a headache and hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep for a week. He didn’t even have to look at Carolina to know what it was she wanted to talk about. He figured it was only a matter of time before word got back to her about what had happened between him and Anna. After Bubbles had taken Anna home that night, Wash had walked several blocks from the bar to York’s apartment. The numbness he’d been after that night had been replaced by pain, regret and guilt, but he had still been obviously drunk when York had answered the door. The lowered (or non-existent) inhibitions had resulted in Wash spilling his guts about how he’d lied to Anna and why. York was Wash’s friend, but he was first and foremost Carolina’s XO, even now. Wash didn’t blame him for turning around and telling Carolina that her brother was getting falling down drunk again. If their roles were reversed, Wash couldn’t say he wouldn’t have done the same thing.
Didn’t mean he was looking forward to this “talk”.
He took a breath and willed himself to not look nearly as tired or haggard as he felt. Sophie was looking up at him with a doggy grin and wagging tail. At least someone was happy to see him. Hand on the dog’s head, he turned to look at his sister. At least she was sitting at the table this time. Maybe if he sat across from her and kept his fat mouth shut this time, he could avoid getting slammed into a wall again. So without a word, Wash took a seat across from her and waited for her to begin.
In reality, York hadn’t said anything to Carolina. Had she known that her XO had kept such crucial information from her, he would definitely still be sitting in that damned drunk tank. No, in many ways it was worse than if Wash’s “brother” had ratted him out. It was a good sign that Wash was at least willing to sit and talk about what happened. She couldn’t be completely sure, but she also thought he was currently sober as well. Both things boded far better for this talk than the last time she had confronted him about his drinking. Unfortunately, that didn’t make the subject any easier to broach.
“I heard about what happened at the bar.” Carolina’s shoulders were tense as she studied Wash’s face. Did he regret lying to Anna? If so, how much? They had already done this dance once, but if necessary she would not hesitate to drag his ass back up to the cabin and do it all over again. “I’m not going to ask what the hell you were thinking since you obviously weren’t concerned with anything beyond the next shot of whiskey. Just how much have you been drinking, Wash? How many times have you gotten away with it before she caught you?”
Wash’s eyes fell towards the glass in front of Carolina. He watched a bead of water roll down the side and pool into a ring on the table around the bottom of the glass. He regretted lying to Anna, so much it hurt. Just thinking back to the way she had looked at him before leaving the bar made him wince. He kept his eyes on Carolina’s glass and the growing ring of water. He didn’t say anything for what seemed like a long time. “That was the only lie,” he said finally, not as an excuse or a reasoning, but just what it was. He hadn’t lied to her before that and he had no intention of doing it again. Not that that mattered now and he didn’t expect it to. “I’ve been to the bar every night for the last week,” he went on. “After dropping my mother at her hotel.” He didn’t tell her how much he drank at the bar. He suspected he could tell her any amount and she probably wouldn’t believe him. He didn’t expect her to. How could he? “That night...was the first night Anna asked...and I told her I had to work. I shouldn’t have. I knew it then, but…” he sighed. His hand was on the back of his neck again and his shoulders were hunched slightly around his ears. “I told myself it would be easier if she didn’t know the truth.”
Rather than not believe the amount Wash said he drank, she would be far more likely not to trust that he was even aware of how much he drank. That was the way of alcoholics, after all. “Easier for what, Wash? To pull the wool over her eyes? To ignore the fact that your mother’s walking right over you?” Carolina shook her head. “Anna deserves better than that. You deserve better than that. If you can’t trust her enough to handle the truth, then you need to find someone you can trust to tell her instead.”
Carolina frowned at him from across the table. It also hurt that he hadn’t even tried to reach out to any of them. Her, York, Stefan, or Anna. “Before you even think about trying to crawl back to her, you’re need to get yourself sorted first.” Her hands fell away from the glass and rested on the table. “So, Wash, what exactly do you plan on doing to fix this?”
Wash didn’t respond. Part of him knew that Carolina was only looking for an answer to her final question. But he didn’t have one. He loved Anna. She was the best thing to have ever happened to him. He didn’t expect her to forgive him for what he’d done. He’d known better, he knew what lying meant to the young woman, but he’d done it anyway. He was an alcoholic. Alcoholics lied. Anna deserved so much better.
Since Nora’s arrival, Wash had fallen more and more into old habits. Drinking was only one of them. Withdrawing was another. As a kid he’d done a pretty good job of isolating himself. Nora had instilled in him a fear of what would happen should anyone find out what went on in the Jenkins House. If anything were to happen to Ralph, if he were taken from them, or if he kicked them out, Nora insisted that terrible things would happen. Not to David, no, but to Nora. Homelessness, rape, death. She terrified him with the possibilities of what life would be like without Ralph. So he learned quickly to keep his mouth shut and shoot down anyone who questioned a new black eye, or the way he limped. It had worked on everyone except for Celia.
Carolina was a lot like Celia in that regard. Stubborn.
The fear of what would happen to his mother should anyone discover the abuse was long past, but the habit of pulling away was so deeply ingrained it was like instinct.
Finally he looked up at her. “I’ll figure something out, Boss, don’t worry.” Because he would figure something out. He had to. Anna did deserve better and he wasn’t ready to give up just yet.
Carolina was no stranger to lying or protecting one’s family. Specifically, her father. Especially when he didn’t deserve it. She understood the reasons behind why Wash wanted to hide behind the bottle, but that didn’t mean she would let him get away with hurting anyone because of it - including himself. As both his CO and his sister, she had an obligation to do everything in her power to make sure he could look at himself in the mirror at the end of the day.
Green eyes studied grey, as if she were trying to see past them to determine what he was thinking. The more he tried to hide, the harder she would search. She was nothing if not stubborn. After a long moment, Carolina finally shook her head. “That’s not good enough, Wash.” He looked like he was still struggling, still trying to fight his demons alone. “Not this time.” She could feel the anger building up again, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to stop it. If that was what it took to open his eyes, then so be it.
Wash’s eyes moved back to the glass sitting on the table and watched as it continued to sweat a ring into the wood under it.
He heard the tone of Carolina’s voice shift. It had a subtle way of deepening as a warning that she was about to lose her temper. He’d heard that shift many, many times. Once Carolina had a hold of something, especially something that got under her skin and irritated her like an unscratchable itch, she refused to let go. She wasn’t going to let this go. He wished she would just drag him to the mats and flip him until he couldn’t stand anymore. Get it out of her system. But she wasn’t going to let him get off that easily. Carolina never took the easy way. She never let any of them take the easy way.
Wash shifted uncomfortably in his seat and his hand tightened on the back of his neck. “I know,” he said, this time without looking up. The problem was that even though he knew he had to do something, he didn’t know what that something was. He had to stop drinking again. That much was painfully obvious. But beyond that…? He didn’t like this feeling of falling and not having anything to grasp on to. He didn’t feel as though he was in control and he wasn’t in control. Of anything.
He swallowed down the panic that was threatening to come up his throat. “I don’t know what to do,” he admitted. “I know I have to do something. Even if I stop drinking, that’s not going to be good enough.”
“No, it won’t. Goddamn it, Wash.” Carolina growled. She wished she could just drag him to the mats and beat it out of him. Unfortunately, this was not something that could be solved by a good beating or training. Which just made her even more frustrated at the situation. Her fingers began to curl into fists before she forced them to open again. No. Even if they were on the practice mats, there was the possibility that Wash would feel like he deserved the beating. Which, to be honest, he probably deserved a slap in the face from Anna, if no one else.
Except Carolina knew that the if Wash accepted that he deserved to be hit, then he might start to justify the abuse he went through growing up. That alone made her pull her hands off the table. The growl in her voice was still there, however. “You know what you need to do, you’re just too damn stubborn to do it.”
Wash watched Carolina’s hands twitch and start to ball up. Maybe she would drag him to the mats, after all. The hope quickly evaporated when Carolina relaxed her hands again and moved them to her lap where he could no longer see them. Which was frustrating. He wished she would slam him into the wall, or flip him over her shoulder. Something, anything. His hand tightened harder on the back of his neck.
When Carolina spoke next, he looked up at her confused. “What do you mean? I am going to stop drinking,” he said, though he didn’t expect her to believe him. Carolina was a woman of action. He could say anything he wanted, but it would be his actions that spoke louder, and louder still the results of those actions. “If you want to take me to the cabin again…” He didn’t relish that experience, but if that was what it took, then he’d do it.
Beneath the table, Carolina’s hands balled into fists. “Jesus, you really don’t get it, do you?” Keeping her temper was not something she was good at, even when she wanted to, but at this rate she was going to have to leave or risk trying to beat some sense into him, history or no. “Not drinking is only the first part. You can quit drinking every damn time and it’s not going to matter when you end up falling right back into the bottle weeks, months, or even years later.”
Carolina scowled at Wash. “Why do you think I brought you to that cabin last year? To punish you? If that was all I wanted to do, I would’ve met you on the mats today.” She shook her head and pushed back her chair. Maybe it would be better to have this conversation later. There was too much red invading her vision to ensure she could get through to him peacefully. “You’re a fucking adult, Wash. You make your own decisions, even if they’re bad ones, and you’re going to have to deal with the consequences, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fucking ask for help. In all that time you spent sitting alone at the bar with a bottle in your hand, did you ever once think of that?”
For some reason what Carolina said made him think about the time last year he’d pulled Stephan off the neck of a bartender. Wash hadn’t railed at him at the time. But once he’d finished cleaning the place up and getting Stephan out, he had done all he could to make it perfectly clear that the vampire was not alone, and that they were in this thing together – had to take care of each other – but he couldn’t help him if he didn’t knowwhat was going on. This wasn’t exactly the same thing…but it was pretty close. Only this time Carolina was in Wash’s position.
“No, I didn’t think you were punishing me,” he said, letting his hand fall from the back of his neck. “And no, I didn’t think of asking for help when I was sitting at the bar. I -“ his voice stopped as though it was physically impossible for him to say what he needed to or what he wanted to. He made a frustrated noise and pressed his hands against his face. He took a breath, swore at himself, and forced himself to continue.
He lowered his hands from his face and rested his arms on the table. “I wasn’t…I wasn’t allowed…to ask for help. Or tell anyone…what was going on.” He spoke haltingly and with concentration to keep his voice level and firm. “I went to Celia. Once. When I was 14. I thought I could run away. I thought I could hide there. But, they found me. Ralph threatened Celia. Threatened her mother. He told me he’d hurt them if I ever went back. Mom…she said we were so lucky. She said that Ralph was going to kick us out, but that she had talked him out of it. She said she wouldn’t survive on the street. She told me…she said she would die. She made me promise…that I wouldn’t say anything to anyone. So I didn’t. I never did. I was really good at not saying anything to anyone.”
He rubbed at his face again. “I know it shouldn’t matter now. I’m adult. I can do or say whatever the hell I want. But…” he sighed. “It’s not as easy as simply opening my mouth and saying I need help.”
Carolina knew it was difficult for Wash to talk about what had happened to him growing up. It was one of the reasons that she had never pushed him to share. It also made the few things he did choose to share with her that much more precious. She respected his privacy as he did hers. Even though he now knew both who his father was as well as someone who could tell him stories, he hadn’t pressed her for them because he knew it upset her. Because he knew what it was like to not want to make the other person feel uncomfortable. Damn Nora and her fucking self-serving rhetoric. That woman deserved more that just a punch in the nose and if she ever saw Ralph again, she might just finish the job she started last year.
Carolina shook her head. “Yeah, Wash. It is that easy. What did you think would happen? Did you think I’d be pissed at you for drinking again? Because you couldn’t stay on the wagon? That’s not why I’m angry. You’re an alcoholic. That doesn’t go away just because you haven’t had a drink in a while. No, Gunney,” her finger stabbed at the table like a fist. “I’m angry because you’re hurting yourself, hurting the girl you love, and I can’t do jack shit to help you until you goddamn ask.”
“I didn’t even know I needed help until the other night,” Wash blurted before he’d given himself the chance to think. He bit his tongue before he blurted out anything else. He wasn’t angry, not like he’d been the last time the two of them had argued. He’d wanted to lash out then and it hadn’t mattered who. He didn’t want to do that now. Say something he’d later regret.
And this wasn’t really an argument, either. It wasn’t as if Wash didn’t agree with most of what Carolina was saying. She should be mad at him. He’d broken his word to her too. The only thing that Wash really didn’t agree with was how apparently easy it was to ask for help, because for him it wasn’t. A failing on his part.
His eyes were back on the water ring around the bottom of Carolina’s glass. Somehow talking to that was easier than talking to his sister. Another failing. “I didn’t know how bad it had gotten,” he said. “I didn’t realize until Anna…” he trailed when he remembered the look she’d given him. The hurt on her face, the tears in her eyes. The way she gripped Bubbles’ arm as though it were her only lifeline. The way she couldn’t have gotten away from him fast enough. The memory alone was enough to cut deep. “I didn’t know until I hurt her. I didn’t set out to, but I did anyway. It’s my problem. This isn’t like asking for help changing a tire, or asking for a ride somewhere. This is about something that’s wrong. With me. With my life. I learned to keep that to myself through pain and fear. You can’t just unlearn lessons like that. It’s my problem,” he heard the words his mother would always say when she was telling him not to talk about the abuse to anyone outside the family...or in it. “And it’s selfish of me to try to make it anyone else’s.”
Carolina’s face contorted with rage. Not at Wash, but at the damn woman who had beat that rhetoric so badly into her son that even now he thought up was down. “Did she tell you that? Did she guilt you into keeping quiet so that she wouldn’t get in trouble?” Her hands had balled into fists again and she couldn’t find a way to calm down enough to stop them. “Asking for help isn’t selfish. You can’t admit you’re wrong and need help and be selfish at the same time. That’s not how it fucking works.”
Fists trembling with anger, Carolina stood up. She needed to leave before she broke the table. Even as mad as she was, she didn’t consider punching Wash. Inanimate objects, however, were still free game and therefore still in danger. “It’s not just your problem, Wash. Not anymore. It’s also Anna’s problem. It’s her problem that she loves an idiot who put drinking at a damn bar over spending time with her. And it’s Stefan’s and York’s problem, when they have to trust you to be sober and have their back when things go to shit here on a monthly basis. And it’s my goddamn problem because you’re my brother and it’s my job to have your back, even if you’re too damn drunk to stand up straight.”
She snatched the glass from the table with enough force to leave a flurry of drops in its wake. “So wake the hell up and stop trying to hide your problems from anyone who could help. Don’t let your mother ruin your life any more than she already has. You’re better than that.”
Wash didn’t deny that his mother was ruining his life. She was walking all over him. Yes. He knew that. But what was he supposed to do when she called him? “I can’t pretend she doesn’t exist! I can’t ignore her when she texts me from the airport saying Ralph kicked her out and she has nowhere to go. Was I supposed to just leave her there? She’s my mother!” Carolina may have been able to ignore the fact that her father existed, but she had learned from the best. Dr. Church had been ignoring his daughter her entire life. “I can't ignore her just because she’s inconvenient. Dr. Church does that and I won’t be the same man he is. I will not ignore the people I love. Not my mother. Not Anna or York or Stefan. Not you. You’re telling me I need help, and you’re right. I do. But that help cannot involve me giving up on her.”
“There’s a difference between ignoring her and letting her run your damn life.” Carolina and her father had a very different relationship than Wash and his mother, and she knew it. Ignoring the other person’s existence was easier as she became an adult and no longer had to forge permission slips and leave lights on to pretend he was home. The relationship - if it truly could be called that - was something she would not recommend for any parent and child, regardless of the crap the parent was pulling.
Carolina walked to the kitchen and just barely stopped herself from throwing the glass into the sink. More because she didn’t feel like cleaning up glass shards than concern about replacing the glass. “You don’t have to give up on her to stand up for yourself.” She made her way back to the table. “But if it comes to a choice of giving up on her or giving up on yourself, you’d damn well better put yourself first.”
“I’m not…” Wash started, but trailed. His mother had kind of been dictating what Wash had been doing lately. He wanted to argue how that was any different from Carolina signing him up for a gym membership, dragging him to the mats every other day for training, taking over their kitchen in order to beat Dan in some kind of imagined cooking competition, but he kept his mouth shut. He knew that Carolina only had his best interests in mind. She wasn’t the one using him to fund some kind of vacation. She wasn’t the one making him feel as though he was losing what small control he had.
He hated the idea that his mother was ruining his life. Deep down he’d hoped in the time he’d been away things had changed. Not quite as deep down, he knew they hadn’t. He let out a quiet breath, he wasn’t so sure he could promise her he’d put himself first. But he could -- and would -- put Carolina first. She was his sister. He loved her too.
Carolina sighed at the lack of response, anger fading a bit and leaving her feeling tired. Tired of arguing, tired of being angry, tired of having to deal with goddamn unwanted family visits. “Fine. I’m going to grab some clothes before I head back to the Agency.” She paused just in front of him on her way out of the kitchen. Wash already knew that she wasn’t one for touchy-feely moments, but that didn’t stop her from placing one hand on his shoulder. In many ways, that was her version of a hug. “But when you’re finally ready to ask, I’ll be ready to help, no matter what time it is or how deep a hole you’re in.”