Freya Mikaelson is Tired™ (frelsi) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-08-27 16:00:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, elijah mikaelson, freya mikaelson |
Who: Elijah and Freya
What: Freya starts dreaming, Elijah learns long held secrets
When: 27 August 2017, late afternoon/early evening
Where: Elijah’s apartment
Warnings: Talk of emotional and mental abuse, manipulation, attempted suicide
Status: Log | Complete
This wasn’t supposed to be happening. Freya was supposed to be dead, which meant that she wasn’t supposed to have the dreams. It was because of how realistic it was that she realized that it wasn’t just her picking up on what she’d been told by Elijah or what she had seen in Klaus after he had shown up in a panic, needing to make sure that she was okay.
Her mother had bargained her away even before she’d been born. She didn’t get to be a part of the lives of her siblings, she was nothing to them.
Initially, Freya had tried to do what she always did - push it down and ignore it. But it had brought so much up that she had thought she’d moved on from (no, she had run from it, who was she kidding). She felt like that five year old, screaming for her mother to save her. The fear of Dahlia. Your mother doesn’t want you. Being tied to her. Always with her and her cruelty.
It would have been better had she died like the others believed.
At some point though, it had gotten to be too much. Dahlia’s voice was ringing in her ears, not just from the dreams but from the real world as well. Layering over one another, as if heightening and solidifying everything Freya tried to ignore, the doubts and fears.
She needed a drink. And another. And another. She just wanted Dahlia to shut up. But she never did, just like before, Dahlia was there even when she wasn’t. And in her current state, she decided to try an old scrying method from Russia. She was supposedly a witch after all. So managing to find a candle and match, she lit it and went to a mirror.
Nothing. Darkness. Blood. Suffering. Coffins. There would never be any peace.
Some things were not terribly surprising, but Freya of all people not replying when he texted for hours? Not even to say she was busy and would get back to him later? That was surprising. It was also concerning. He considered that she might have been in the middle of any number of things he did not want to be a part of or privy to. He also considered that he was being overly sensitive regarding his sister considering the fact that she was dead. At least as long as much as he knew.
All of the considerations in mind, Elijah decided to ignore exactly all of them. He knew he was supposed to be making a vested effort not to get too caught up in his family’s lives, but this was concerning and it was unlike his sister. There was no stopping him from worrying. Klaus, he expected to go silent. Not Freya. If it turned out that she was fine, then he would be able to feel better about it and if she was not, then well, he was here to make sure things were okay.
Slipping inside the apartment, Elijah listened for Freya’s heartbeat. He’d memorized it the same as Ezio’s, being able to pick her out in a crowd. But she was not in a crowd. She was in an apartment in front of a mirror with a candle particularly drunk.
“Freya?”
In her right mind, Freya would have responded to the text because the last thing she wanted to do was drag Elijah into her problems. She was supposed to ease his burden, not add to it. But with her mind in chaos, she had ignored her mobile and now she had done the last thing she had wanted to do, which was make Elijah worry when he was trying to not always get caught up in family issues.
“Did you know that in 19th century Russia, girls and young women would hold a candle in front of two mirrors and they were supposed to see their future?”
She could form full sentences, so that was a good thing, even if she was clearly not in the best mental state.
“There’s just darkness. And death. And so much suffering…” Shaking her head, she blew out the candle and looked to her brother, “It made sense to do it earlier.”
Blinking to recenter herself, Freya went back to the couch and laughed hollowly.
“But surprise, apparently I’m not dead in the dreams! Even if it would have been better if I were.”
Yeah, Freya was far from okay as she was much more candid than she might be otherwise in such a situation.
Elijah listened as she spoke, but the more she spoke, the more worried he became. He moved closer slowly, almost as if he was making his way toward a startled animal rather than his older sister. “No. I hadn’t realized,” he said quietly. But none of it sounded good. Whatever it was. Elijah didn’t want to see the future. He barely wanted to see what he’d already seen.
But the announcement that she was not dead in the dreams caught him by surprise and he felt like the wind was knocked out of him. How? His brow furrowed and he moved to sit next to his sister, eyes focused on her.
What do you mean not dead? The words were there, trying to find a way out, but he didn’t know if they were the words he should say. Instead, he took her hand in his. “You’re dreaming,” he said quietly. “What happened?”
Freya had finally come to the most basic of terms about being dead in the dreams. Or as much as anyone could really come to such terms. And then this happened. She was dreaming, and she was suddenly wishing that she were dead because it was better than being in Dahlia’s grasp. So she didn’t elaborate on her random factoid about mirror scrying in Russia in the 19th century.
“Well, apparently our mother made a deal with Dahlia,” the name was spoken with hatred, fear, and pain all wrapped into one, feelings that she never spoke about the most conveyed they had ever been. “To have children she bargained away her first born.” Her. She stood by and let Dahlia take her.
Leaning forward, Freya poured another glass of alcohol.
“God, she did enough damage to me in England, now she gets to have me in her grasp from the age of five?”
And more admitting of things she never would have said were she sober. Things she had kept quiet for so long.
Elijah felt a combination of things. There was concern for his sister, anger at their mother, sadness for them. Everything they’d been told had been a lie. Everything they’d believed. And Dahlia. He didn’t know exactly what she had to do with anything, but his sister’s voice sounded wrong. He didn’t like it.
The fact that she’d poured more alcohol when it was obvious she was pretty far gone was another warning sign.
He felt the anger bubbling up again and he wanted nothing more than to hurt their aunt. He didn’t know what she’d done to his sister, but if it made Freya start to fray at the edges, then it was enough. But he couldn’t do anything but be there for his sister, to make himself available. If she showed up, however, he couldn’t promise something wouldn’t happen.
Reaching out to take his sister’s hand, he asked, “What happened, Freya? With our aunt.” He needed to know. He needed to know so he knew exactly how to feel and so he knew what to do for his sister in that moment.
Freya looked at their hands then sighed, running her fingers through her hair with her free hand. She shouldn’t have said anything. She was berating herself in the back of her mind, that it wouldn’t matter, that no one really cared. Besides she wasn’t supposed to trouble Elijah with her own stupid issues. It wasn’t like they affected anyone besides her. But she was also quite drunk, which meant that her defenses were lowered and she was more likely to answer questions. And she had done it to herself in her attempt to make Dahlia’s voice go away. So she spoke, looking straight ahead.
“Isolated me. The only time I was allowed out was for classes or to run errands for her. To make sure I didn’t ‘ruin the family’ name. Monitored calls.” Freya was pretty sure that her aunt didn’t tell her about all the calls she might have received from her siblings and friends in order to truly get the points to stay.
“No one really cares. I’m the only one who truly loves you.” Shaking her head, Freya took a shaky breath. “Over and over, in different ways. Honestly she started even before, but it was always just a comment that might seem odd, things I wouldn’t think about when I would go back home from helping her with whatever…”
Hear things enough times and you start to believe it. She had said that about Klaus but it also had been about herself.
“She was very interested in finding me a husband, because of course she was.” Look at their mother. There had been reasons Freya had wanted the chance to go abroad, to get away from those expectations and she had ended up with Dahlia. “Instead I fell in love with Christina. She was amazing. But we kept it secret because of Dahlia but she found us one day. It was bad. She got her kicked out of university and I was watched even more. But she promised to keep my ‘disgusting secret’, after all if the family found out I’d be shunned and she would never want that. But each thing I did wrong or felt I did wrong, I worried she would say something….”
It was getting harder to breathe but she had to keep talking because she knew that drunk or not, if she stopped she wouldn’t be able to finish.
“By the end of my second year I couldn’t take it anymore. The looks. The comments, the isolation. I was at such a low point that I tried to kill myself. Another secret she kept over me for being so weak and pathetic.” Wiping at her eyes as tears had started, Freya took a steadying breath. “So I was institutionalized for the summer before being released back to her.”
Taking the glass of alcohol she had poured herself, she took a drink, closing her eyes to try and regain a semblance of control that was nothing more than a facade that she always had to keep in place. She was the oldest. She had to always be put together, have everything under control.
“I can still hear her though, even though I’ve never stayed in any one place long enough for her to find me. And now….” Now she was getting Dahlia’s comments from the dreams. The emotional manipulation that was all too familiar. The mental abuse and isolation and desperate need to see someone else, to get away.
The more she spoke, the angrier he felt, but it was mixed with guilt. Guilt that he hadn’t known about this, hadn’t been able to help his sister. As if it was his responsibility. He could feel himself taking it on and he had a feeling somewhere out in the world Ezio was feeling exasperated and couldn’t explain why. This was why. Elijah’s habit of taking on responsibility for things he couldn’t control.
“Whatever she said to you...none of that is true.” He felt sick at the thought of it. His sister was made to feel like she wasn’t worth anything, like no one would love her if they knew these things about her. He wondered how many times he hadn’t been able to talk to Freya were real excuses or just something their Aunt had made up. “You’re my sister and I’m always going to want you around. Even when I’m being difficult.”
But how could he make her feel that nothing their aunt said was true? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure it was on him to make her believe it. Likely it was something that his sister needed to feel herself, but it didn’t make him want to pull her close and try to make it all go away any less. Not that he could do that. He couldn’t fix everything. He knew it, but he wanted to. Everything with his siblings, he wanted to fix and make better. But how? How could he do that without entirely investing himself in them? It wasn’t fair to Ezio for him to do it.
“I love you, Freya. No matter what happens. Nothing can change that. I just need you to know that. I will tell you as many times as it takes for you to accept it as the truth.” This only added to Elijah’s understanding that they could trust only each other. No one else. Not their parents, not their aunt. Siblings only. “I won’t let her near you again if I can help it.”
“I know. Logically I know. And I remind myself of that…” But there was still the struggle of being able to believe the logic when Dahlia’s words were so deeply ingrained within Freya’s psyche. Isolate someone when they are already dealing with new changes, like being away at school for the first time - especially in a whole new country. Make them rely solely on you, as though they are the only ones who care or know what’s best for you. Manipulate them with your supposed care.
But already her own guilt was coming through. The fact that she had said something at all. Even before their conversations about Elijah’s concerns about his tendency to take on too much, she wouldn’t have said anything because it wasn’t his problem to deal with.
“Dahlia’s my burden….. I’m the older sister, I’m supposed to be the one to fix things. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s just these stupid dreams brought it all up to the surface.”
Because that was healthy. But it was how she had managed for all these years. Still it was true, at the end of the day? The Mikaelson siblings could only rely on themselves and trust one another when it came to family. The ones who were supposed to look after them and care for them were the ones who had destroyed them.
Elijah’s brow furrowed. “You should have said something. I wish you had before. You don’t have to carry this alone. All of us would help you.” Though, it wasn’t like he could talk. How many things had he carried on his own because he couldn’t make himself burden his siblings with it? How many things had he kept in when their parents had abandoned them for lack of a better term to deal with things alone? He had played parent on top of all his other responsibilities because he’d been the one there to do it. When they’d needed him, he’d stepped up and he hadn’t really stopped since then. Which meant he didn’t talk about his problems.
“We should both learn that. To trust that not having everything together is okay. Because sometimes even we are human and even we make mistakes. Sometimes we need someone else even if we don’t want to say so. So let me help you. Don’t shut me out.” He scooted closer. He decided that he would stay until she was asleep and leave something for her for the morning when she woke up. Ezio would understand this. He was certain.
“I am here and I’m not going anywhere. Nothing and no one can change that.”
Freya just gave Elijah a look because he did the exact same thing she did when it came to shouldering everything alone so he really had no room to talk.
“It’s cute that you are parroting my own words back at me.” Sighing, she just rested her head against Elijah’s arm. “I was afraid she was right and didn’t want to lose any of you. The world is full of the things we should have done, but all we can do is live with the choices we actually made.”
She may be drunk and thus more open about her own issues but that didn’t mean she was incoherent.
“But yes, we should learn that. I won’t shut you out if you don’t shut me out.” That seemed fair. She might feel like crap for burdening Elijah with her past and hate herself for it when she was sober, but she also wasn’t going to let him shut her out.
“We are very good at telling each other what we need to hear, I think. What we need to do ourselves. Giving others the advice we also need.” He let her stay where she was, leaning against his arm. “She isn’t right. Not about you and not about us.” He didn’t say that she wasn’t right about their parents because he’d lost faith in both of his parents a long time ago. He just hadn’t admitted it until after the dinner with Ezio. And that was only something he’d done out of courtesy and misplaced hope. It had been silly to think they’d react in any sort of positive manner. He knew that now.
“It is difficult to ignore the should haves. Even when we know there is nothing to be done about them. That is where I went wrong in the dreams. I spent so much time regretting things I did and didn’t do that I allowed myself to be manipulated.” By Klaus. In turn, he’d manipulated Rebekah and Kol. He’d probably manipulated all of them in some misguided desire to make up for his mistakes, for the wrongs he’d committed against Niklaus. “Responsibility is a funny thing.” A pause. “Or rather the feeling of it.”
“I won’t.” Because he could see what keeping things to themselves had gotten them. He could see how things ought to be different. It was up to them to make the change. They couldn’t ask anyone else to change for them. “We’re in this together.” He wouldn’t say forever and always. That was something from the dreams and it was something that seemed to hold some negative feelings based on what happened in them.
“Probably, because we recognize it in each other.” Besides the fact that Freya was good at reading all of her siblings, she could recognize her habits in Elijah and so it was easier to pick them out. Which was probably the way it was for most people. “I know,” mostly, “I’ll be fine tomorrow. It was just a shock.” Sure, that was it. The shock had shaken her tightly controlled ways of handling things so she could live her life and mostly ignore that annoying voice in the back of her mind that made her question things, worry - especially given the lack of presence she’d have for her siblings in the dreams.
“Knowing those signs to avoid manipulation is important,” It was why Freya kept tabs on things. She knew what had happened with Dahlia, had seen the same thing happen from those she worked with. Perhaps she was hyper-aware, but if she could prevent someone else from that sort of manipulation, well, she would. “It is difficult though.”
“Good.” While Elijah might not want to say always and forever, Freya would hold onto that ideal even without knowing of the vow from the dreams. She might not be there for her siblings in the dreams, but like hell would that happen here. No, she would fight tooth and nail for her siblings.
“Most likely.” It was easier to see things in other people. It wasn’t that Elijah had no introspection. He did. He could tell what his problems were and what they weren’t. He knew that he had a bad habit of putting everyone in his family ahead of himself and he knew that it wasn’t just him he put them ahead of. Freya needed him right now, though. This, he was sure, was not the wrong time to put his sister first. “I’m not sure you will be entirely fine tomorrow. It is okay if you’re not. I’m here if you need me at all.”
He focused for a moment on his sister’s face. “It is. If I can at all shine light on things to help you know what is fact and what is fiction, I will. She will not control you here. Not now that you are with us. We will see to it.” He had no doubt his siblings would do whatever they could to keep Dahlia away from their sister. She was no witch here. She was nothing. She would be nothing. Elijah had to be careful, however.
“I can stay until you fall asleep...I can also easily carry you to your bed. It’s hardly any work, really. Unless you need more to drink.”
That was the funny way of life. Even with the ability of introspection, it was still easier to recognize habits in others, give them the advice you need to listen to yourself. So even if Freya was able to know these things about herself, it was easier to see them in Elijah and give advice. “Maybe not entirely, but not a mess like I am right now.”
She may be drunk, but she was still able to tell she was not at all together like she normally would be, able to handle the past without needing to drag anyone into it. However, she did nod at the comment that Dahlia couldn’t control her there. After all, unlike when she was in England, she did have her siblings her, her support system. So in theory, it should be fine if she ran into the woman if she ever showed up.
“I know.”
Of course knowing something in theory and the reactions that might happen if something became reality were completely different. And as Freya wasn’t a psychic, all she could do was try and focus on what she knew, even if it was all theoretical at the moment. Dahlia wasn’t here, and she had her siblings so if the woman showed up, she should be fine.
“I don’t want to keep you if you’re supposed to be somewhere else.” While she probably would want another drink, she also knew it wouldn’t solve anything in the long run. But she was also getting tired so who knew.
If their aunt ever showed up, Elijah would see that she was dealt with and he would do everything he could to keep her from seeing Freya. He was already tempted to ask Ezio if it was acceptable to kill someone for emotional and psychologically scarring his sister. Surely it was forgivable. It was hard to be absolutely certain, however.
Elijah shook his head. “I’m supposed to be here. With you.” He leaned over to press a kiss to her forehead. “Anything you need, I am here.” He could at least stay with her until she fell asleep. He hadn’t moved out yet. “What can I do?” Because he wasn’t sure what she needed from him right now. Did she need another drink? Did she need him to take her to her bed? Whatever she asked for, he would do.
What did she need? Nothing that could really be done. She would just have to get through this. For now though, staying as they were would be enough. Just that physical presence and reminder to help her wade through all the doubts and fears that had been brought back to the surface thanks to the dreams.
“Just stay with me for now.” She had dealt with it before and she would do so again. Right now though, she just needed her brother since he was already there.