InsaneJournal

moralsandsass (moralsandsass) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-08-24 20:21:00

Once again Freya was worried about Elijah. True, her default mode when it came to her siblings was some form of worry. However, she could tell that something was troubling him. But in typical Elijah fashion (and admittedly she was the same, which was probably why she could pick it up so easily. That and being able to read her brother), he wasn’t saying what it was. Which just wouldn’t do.

Putting a pause to a grant proposal draft she was working on to see if it would work for the non-profit, Freya stood up and walked over to the back of the couch and draped her arms over Elijah’s shoulders.

“Something’s troubling you, brother.” Something that was more than how to tell Klaus about the vampire thing and let him know it would most likely happen to him as well so that he wouldn’t be so caught off guard.

Elijah looked up at his sister after a moment, giving her a small smile. At least he’d meant for it to be a smile, but...it wasn’t exactly. “Do you ever wonder you’re just...repeating the same mistakes over and over again with no chance of...being better at it? Of actually managing to do things like normal people?” This was related to his current life, but also the dreams.

“In the dreams, I am trapped in circles and habits that I am always...doing. Either it is falling for the same girls as Niklaus or it is putting Niklaus and Rebekah first and the people I am with second. Probably the family in general.” He had been told that countless times while dating. “Also I’m not sure that we...are very good at...managing the things that we should. I have spent so much time cleaning up after Kol and handling our parents for him, for everyone. I am not really sure what I am meant to do or how to make boundaries with our brother without him taking it personally.” Niklaus was not particularly good at seeing that someone cared for him without them sacrificing in a big way in the dreams and he wasn’t prepared to sacrifice Ezio. His brother’s paranoia was not yet as bad out of the dreams as it was in them, but once he turned? Elijah wasn’t sure.

“I want our brother to know that he can be better than what he will see. That we can, but I’m not sure if that is for me to make him realize or not.”


“More often than I care to admit.” Because well, Freya well knew that she didn’t handle everything like a normal person, everything with Dahlia and more of how she just… ran and made sure that she was never in one location for over a year and a half. She had closed herself off and she knew that most people wouldn’t, but to protect herself and others, it had seemed the best course.

Well, that was certainly a lot and so Freya moved so that she was sitting on the couch with Elijah as she contemplated his words. With the fact that she was apparently dead in the dreams, she really had no idea really on how the dreams could influence and heighten thoughts and emotions, how they could confuse them. She’d spoken with Evie some about it to get a better understanding to see if there was anything she could do help Elijah, and now Klaus. Not to mention Kol and Rebekah should they dream which… they probably did but she had yet to ask.

“I wonder if part of the problem is that instead of seeing us as brothers and sisters, you instead see them, or I guess us, which you shouldn’t because I’m the last person you need to worry about, as those you need to look after because of everything from childhood.”

Freya knew how that went. But they had all tried to help in their own ways, but they had been children and their father a powerful man that even if they had gone to teachers or someone else about, CPS probably wouldn’t have looked into things.

“I mean, we joke about the others being ‘the children’ and it can seem that way, but even parents let their children make mistakes and learn from them. Which is where boundaries come in in just recognizing what is something that really you may offer advice on but if someone still does something and it blows up in their face, it’s on them to learn from and then the things that help and support are needed for.”

Sighing some, Freya brushed some hair behind her ear.

“As for your concerns about Klaus… If all you do is act like he is going to mess up or be some horrible monster, it’s more likely to happen. No matter what logic may say, if someone hears something enough times or is made to feel like they are nothing more than a monster, or worthless, or replaceable, they start to believe it.” Freya knew that one all too well.

Elijah listened to her quietly for a moment. She was not wrong. He still felt responsible for them as if they were more like children than his siblings. Their father wasn’t a man any of them could rely on and their mother was no better. They hadn’t had anyone to rely on, so Elijah made himself into someone that they could and put his desires on pause. It had been his choice in the end, but he had never stopped. “I think I am so used to cleaning up messes and being responsible for them that...I just...haven’t stopped.”

Freya was often better at advice than he realized. She could see things he could not, which may have had something to do with her being less in it. Or at least having some distance from it. He did not. More because he did not allow himself to rather than because it was impossible to. “I may need help figuring that out. Mostly because sometimes our brothers turn things into bigger messes than they are. I do not want to lose my relationship because I am incompetent.” He leaned against Freya. “I love him and I told him I would work on setting boundaries, so I will. I just...worry. I am very...not good at this in the dreams...and out of them.”

Elijah sighed. “I am not trying to act like he is replaceable. I know he is not. He is my brother. I love him, too. He just…” He gestured vaguely. “I don’t know. I want him to have the chance to be happy and for us all to be happy.”

Freya wasn’t so shocked by that.

“I can understand that. It can be hard to stop doing something when that’s all you’ve ever done… but we’re all adults now. So I think the first step is remembering that we’re all siblings. If you treat them like you always need to fix things, that’s what they will expect from you. Which yes, it’s easier said than done, but it’s important to remember that as well.”

Nodding, Freya just draped an arm over Elijah’s shoulders, resting her head against his.

“Well the first step is admitting you need help and you know I’ll help you when you however I can. I just want you to make sure that the boundaries that you set are your boundaries and not something someone else came up with.” Absently Freya ran her fingers through Elijah’s hair, a habit she had picked up when they were younger and she was doing just this, giving advice on whatever was going on or just trying to provide comfort.

“I know that, but he’s internalized that belief and fear even if his pride refuses to let him acknowledge it and so he sees proof of it everywhere. Which is..frustrating to say the least, but it’s not impossible to manage.” Freya had plenty of conversations with Klaus, which was why she didn’t let his paranoia bother her and just continued with the conversation instead of trying to argue that he was misunderstanding her. It usually worked better that way. “I really want him and all of you to have that chance to be happy as well, though.”

It was true. Ezio had told him that he wasn’t their parent, he wasn’t the one that had to clean up after them. He’d heard that even before now. “I suppose it is something I have to work on.” And he would. He would work on it. Rebekah, at the very least, did not allow him to clean up after her. Kol, on the other hand, he may have to redefine a few things with. Most notably how to ask before deciding that he was watching his daughter. Not that he minded Mareena or watching her, but...asking would have been nice.

“I know, but it would be unfair to rely on you for too much.” He sighed, just relaxing into the touch. “They are mine. I am setting them because he is right. I have made our relationship too much about our family. I have not focused enough on him and the things that he needs. I have been selfish.” And he had been. He had not taken into consideration what his lover was feeling or dealing with. There was a lot going on with him, but that did not excuse his behavior. At least not from where he was standing. “He has been patient with me and I hope he continues to be.”

Elijah looked up at his sister. “I wish I had done more for Niklaus. I am not sure what more I could have done, but I wish I had done more. And I hate being a vampire sometimes. It makes the guilt worse than it needs to be. It is like drowning in it.” He didn’t want to drown in guilt or despair or anything else. The only thing that saved the whole thing was love. Love felt...more. Where guilt was like drowning, love was like being bathed in light. It was truly ascendant. It made things better. “Do not forget to be happy yourself, Freya. You are as bad as I am with worrying. You deserve to be happy, too.”

“Just know I’m always available to you if you need help or anything.” It would be up to Elijah to take her up on that, but she knew that if she didn’t even put it out there? He wouldn’t reach out. Already she had to confront him when she knew something was troubling him, though at least he would answer her instead of trying to brush it off. That had to count for something.

“Relationships are about balance,” from what she had seen. It wasn’t like Freya had much experience on that front. But she knew that there needed to be actual communication and openness to communication. “But good. Just so long as they are your choices. I hope he is as well, though.” She had seen too many cases of people who had ended up isolated by those who they loved and seen how that had ended. She had that done to her and so Freya was perhaps a bit more hyperaware and concerned.

“We can wish all we like, but at the end of the day we have to accept we did what we could and all we can do now is continue moving forward. Being stuck in the past? It’s not healthy.” With no experience in dealing with being a vampire, Freya just listened and nodded some at Elijah’s words. “I wish I knew what to tell you, Elijah.” But the heightened emotions? There was nothing she had to help him with that.

“You know me. So long as the rest of you are happy and well, so am I. No need to worry on that front.”

He nodded at her words. The problem was that he hated to burden his siblings with his problems. It took a little pushing to get him to talk, but he would talk if he felt like he needed to. He knew he wasn’t good at deciding when to act and when not to act.

“I need to be better at that. I’m working on it, though.” At least the serious conversation had ended in fairly mind-blowing sex. Not that he was going to mention that to Freya. Though, she’d probably guessed that the text telling her that Ezio was over was not sent because they were doing things worthy of a PG rating. Still. “We’re both going to work on things and make it better. I just...I want to do the right thing. In the dreams, I am not very good at relationships because I am always sacrificing my happiness for our family. That or I am making everything about our family. I do not think this is something worth repeating. I don’t want to stop being there for them.” Them being his siblings. “I just...want to be able to be present in the relationship. I will be around for a very long time and he won’t. Eventually he will age and die and I will still be here. I want us to be happy and grow together.”

And she was right again. “I am trying. I really am. I just...am an emotional idiot. Naturally.” He pulled back to look at his sister. “I mean it, Freya. Find your happiness and do not let it go. And do not make us the only happiness you have.”

There were times when Elijah and Freya were far too similar. Mostly in the fact that they didn’t wish to burden others with their own issues, and that they were always trying to take care of their younger siblings. Fortunately, or unfortunately, for Elijah? When it came to Freya, he was one of said younger siblings and so she was going to do her best to look after him as well.

“The fact that both of you plan to work on things to make it better is a good sign.” And it was. No relationship should be so one sided that only one person was doing all the work. To truly work, both parties needed to figure out how to work with one another. It also put her mind more at ease to silence her own concern brought on by personal experience. Still, family defined them even if it required sacrifice. But it shouldn’t, especially here. “And there’s nothing wrong with that. So you’re right, finding that balance will be extremely important. But no matter what happens, you know you’ll always have us. Still, I think it should be possible to figure out how to find that balance and be present in your relationship with Ezio.”

Laughing some, Freya shook her head slightly, “I’m pretty certain that just comes from being a Mikaelson. Emotional idiocy is not a strictly Elijah trait.” Still, as he pulled back, Freya just matched his look. “If it happens, then I will. Don’t worry so much about me, brother.” It was simply Freya had already sworn it off and doubted she would ever find anything so she saw no point in dwelling on that fact and would focus on what she did have, which was her family.

He was just glad that Freya was here. All things aside, it was nice to have someone else to talk to about things...even if he didn’t like to burden her too often. “I just have to do it.” So he was going to figure out what the boundaries were and start pushing his siblings to respect them. He’d make sure they knew he was still there if they needed him.

“You may be right about that. It is a sad family trait. We should really work on that.” He at least hoped that they might work on it a little. He hoped he might. “That is like telling birds not to fly. You do realize that.” He smiled at her for a minute before letting out a slow breath. “I do have something else to discuss with you. I know you have not made plans to stay, but...Ezio has asked if I would like to move in as well. I said yes. If you stay...well, if you would like a place, you could have mine. There’s space enough and it’s not terrible rent. Naturally I will still pay the rent until I’m settled and until you have decided. I have to give notice anyway.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Also I will at least have to ask for a text or a phone call if you’re going to stop by. I’ll give you the same courtesy, of course. And you already know my work schedule. If you have some hidden urge to pop up at random, that’s probably the best place to do so.”

“I know but I figure I should at least put it out there.” Telling Elijah not to worry was the same as telling Freya not to worry. But they were both well aware of who they were and what that actually meant. Still, she did quirk a brow as Elijah mentioned that he was planning to move in with Ezio. If he hadn’t just been telling her his concerns and how the both of them were planning to try and make things better, she’d be thrilled. As it were, she was mildly concerned. There were enough challenges that came with moving in together, if they were worried already about other things…

But the choice had clearly been made so she nodded.

“Take all the fun out of my surprise visits.” She was teasing, of course. While Freya did like to show up out of the blue, it wasn’t like a text or phone call was the most horrible of things and it was easy enough to do, “But fine, I guess if I must.”

Which she would do, but teasing Elijah was her right as an older sister and it wasn’t like she was being fake aghast. It was clear that she was simply teasing him.

“But I’ll definitely keep that offer in mind about the apartment. Thank you.”

“I will try, but I make no promises.” Most of his concerns were with himself and his behavior. He knew he was going to need to make a point of keeping an eye on himself and being there for Ezio when he needed him to be. He didn’t want to make a mistake, but he also wanted to hope that he was going to do better now that he was aware of it.

“I am a terrible bore. It’s the suits. They’re finally getting to me. They’ve taken over my brain as it were.” He laughed a little at that. “It’s too late for me.” But he could at least take comfort in the fact that Freya would not twist his words into something that they were not. She would understand what he meant. “Thank you. I promise to act surprised if it will make you feel better.”

“You’re welcome. Don’t feel obligated, of course. I can always let the landlord deal with it afterward.” It just meant he would have things to put into storage, which was not really a problem. “Are you hungry? We could get something. I think Ezio also crept in with food if the tupperware in the fridge is anything to go by. I assume that is meant for you. He is better at cooking than I am, though, so it is perhaps a kindness.”

There would always be mistakes made. Elijah may be a vampire but it was still human nature. No matter one’s intentions or hopes, slip ups would happen. It all came back to how they were dealt with. Still, Freya knew that she would be keeping tabs on her brother no matter where she was and would make sure to push him for answers or to open up if it seemed he was trying to keep from bothering her just as she had done now.

“It’s a good thing I’m perceptive then.”

Laughing some, Freya nodded. “Yes, that’s exactly it. The suits have infected your brain and made you quite dull. But good, at least give me something to work with.”

As for the apartment, that was something they would figure out when the time came. For now it was there just in case. Besides, food was probably a good thing.

“Eating is probably a good thing, otherwise I’ll get too caught up in my work.” Shifting, Freya stood up. All in all it was a good talk, she had some concerns but just as she did with the others, she knew when and when not to push and would simply be there as best she could with advice when asked.