Lena Luthor just wants to do the science (quantized) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-07-03 22:34:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, asami sato, lena luthor |
Who: Asami and Lena
Where: Asami’s place
When: Right after this
What: A conversation that no one wants to have.
Warnings: Sadness
Status: Complete
Most days, kissing Lena was enough to distract Asami from just about, well, everything. She tasted so good and smelled so good and felt so warm under her fingers. But she couldn’t get her mind off of Korra. It was upsetting to her, a wrench in the works, a wooden shoe in the gears, the timing.
She’d had plans that involved some wooing and learning what made Lena tick and not just sexually. Were they girlfriends? Was it too soon for that? A week ago it wouldn’t have mattered…
Suffice it to say, she was distracted from the task at hand.
Lena Luthor wasn’t one to swim in delusions. She prided herself in being practical, reasonable, and able to overcome her own personal desires in order to visualize reality as it was actually occurring. It was part of why science was so appealing to her; the knowledge that what was true was true, no matter what one’s subjective belief was.
So when she noticed that something between her and Asami had changed, that kissing her was somehow different, she didn’t allow herself to keep going. Something needed to be said.
Pulling away, Lena smirked, worried, but not enough to stop her natural wit. “Is something on your mind? You seem a little hesitant. I had onions on my salad for lunch, but I’ve brushed my teeth since then, so that can’t be the problem.”
"Mm?" Asami sat back as well, and shook her head. "There's nothing wrong."
Which wasn't the question Lena had asked, but it was the one Asami had answered. She flashed a smile, "If there was an onion problem I would had offered you a mint. Politely."
Lena raised an eyebrow, worry ratcheting up a few notches. She hadn’t known why Asami had been distracted, but she also hadn’t automatically assumed that it was because something was wrong. Now, she was almost certain it was. “Forgive me for contradicting you, darling, but you’re clearly out of sorts. Is there something I can help you with?”
"I've just been..." Asami couldn't lie to her. It wasn't really in her nature. She just needed to find a way to articulate what was going on in her head. She kept her emotions so close to her chest that it took some effort to express them. Though Lena had managed to cut through that quicker than most.
"Distracted. Obviously. Unexpected things."
“What kind of unexpected things?” Lena asked, not wanting to speculate and jump to conclusions, but starting to get the feeling that this was much more of an issue than Asami was wanting to make it. Something about the short answers, coupled with her hesitation to even bring it up, gave her the feeling that she was going to dislike whatever this news was on more than just a supportive girlfriend level.
There was no real easy way to tell the person you were dating that the dream girl she’d spent 3 years pining for had suddenly arrived in Orange County. Especially considering that girl was the closest thing to a deity that existed in her dream world. “My best friend, from my dreams. She recently arrived in Orange County.”
It was something she was excited about, even without deeper emotions. “It’s a little distracting and unexpected, because I never thought it would happen. So I don’t want to overwhelm her with the whole ‘we’ve known each other for years and I’m ride or die for you’ thing. Which would be creepy, and weird.”
Well, that didn't sound so bad. Asami hadn't talked very much of her dreams, but the tidbits she did gather made it clear that Asami didn't quite loathe hers like Lena did. And given how much the dreams could affect the real world, she couldn't fault Asami for feeling so strongly about getting a good friend from the dreams.
But why did she get the feeling that there was more to the story?
Diplomatically, she started, “Well, that's a good thing. Isn't that why we finally met up in the first place? Because we needed more friends? Even if you have to start over with her, at least you have someone that you could potentially build that relationship with again.”
Asami pulled one leg up and wrapped her arms around her knee. “It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time. Korra means a lot to me. I dropped everything to go help her when she was trying to restore the Air Nation. They were wiped out two hundred years ago, so a chance to help restore them was something we had to do. I’ve never met anyone so selfless and stubborn at the same time. She’s… amazing.”
Lena swallowed, nodding at Asami’s words. She had the distinct feeling that she'd just figured out that ‘more’ to Asami’s story.
“She sounds like it. So, she was your best friend, huh?” She said, never one to beat around the bush. Lena had never been the jealous type, but she'd always been very good at reading people. And what she was reading from Asami right now was not just friendship.
Asami nodded. “You wouldn’t think it would work out. She made a move on my boyfriend. Or rather they made moves at each other. But I didn’t want to hate her. Things got kind of tense for a little while but he ended up losing both of us.”
She glanced at Lena, trying to read her expression. “Probably for the best, Mako is a better friend to either of us than boyfriend.”
Of course, she still hadn’t admitted the rest of it, and she was trying to figure out how. She didn’t want to hurt Lena. But lying would hurt her more. “So… we ended up getting … closer.”
And there it was. The confirmation stung a little, but Lena couldn't say that it surprised her, because it didn't. Not at all.
But she refused to get upset about it. Not now. Not when there wasn't yet anything to get upset about. She needed more information first. “I see.” She said, nodding again, before deciding to cut to the chase. “Are you in love with her?”
“Uhm.” There was that hesitation, “In my dreams? Yes.” She’d realized it right around the time she’d been teaching Korra to drive, though it hadn’t actually sunk in until she’d failed to protect Korra and they’d been captured by the Earth Kingdom. And to think, she’d thought that was the lowest things could possibly get.
“We had a lot of adventures, her being the Avatar and everything. But something bad happened and she had to go away for three years.” And she’d waited, every attempt at a date failing miserably.
Much like her waking life!
“Asami,” Lena started with a sigh, not wanting to but determined to talk about this honestly, “you and I both know that the dreams do more than just tell a story. They become more real than our actual lives, sometimes.” It was a truth that was becoming more and more evident as time went on, and she knew that Asami knew it much better than she did. “So when I ask if you're in love with her, I don't just mean in the dreams. Has that feeling bled over? Are you in love with her here?”
“My company got heavily influenced,” Asami admitted. She felt a tightening in her chest, and suddenly found it difficult to breathe. She spoke candidly. “I haven’t even talked to her in person yet. But at least one of my relationships ended because she thought I was waiting for someone else.” You love an imaginary ghost more than you love me.
She tilted her head back. “I don’t want to give up on what we have, Lena. I don’t want to hurt you over something this stupid.”
Then don't. Lena wanted to say, but she knew that it was more complicated than that. If she was detecting something more complex than friendship from Asami when they she and her friend hadn't even really met yet, then it was only going to become more and more difficult after it happened. And Lena refused to be the type that said that she didn't want Asami around Korra. That would just be unfair.
Dammit. “I don't want to give up on this either.” She started honestly, pushing down the urge to grab Asami’s hands in hers. Now was not the time. “But we can't be so naive as to think that this isn't going affect us.”
Asami had the same urge to grab Lena’s hands, but she also refrained. It wasn’t the time, and she felt her chest constrict further. She nodded her head, hair falling to hide her face. “A part of me didn’t want her to come. Because I was afraid of that. I felt happy and connected and … “
“‘Felt?’” Lena said, voice cracking slightly as she felt a knot form in her throat. Her eyes flitted down. She fought the urge to stand and pace, not willing to give into the sinking feeling in her chest just yet. Clarification. She just needed more clarification.
Clearing her throat, she looked back up at Asami. “You don't want to give up on us. I get that. But is that your head or your heart speaking?”
That was a slip, one entirely not on purpose or meant. “Feel. Feel.” Her voice cracked and she had to struggle to compose herself. She couldn’t quite meet Lena’s eyes, instead focusing on the general vicinity around her nose. “Both.”
The thing that hurt the most was she didn’t know if she was fooling herself or not.
Lena lifted her head up slightly, eyes drifting closed again at the dual feeling of dread and relief that Asami’s words sent through her. It was nice to know that she wasn't alone here, but that didn't change the fact that something was going to give. A part of her - the part that held memories of a little orphan girl that had already decided that love was rare and fleeting - already knew what that something would be.
Taking a deep breath, Lena lowered her head again, opening her eyes and finally giving into the urge to take Asami’s hands. She looked directly at her, even if Asami wouldn't. “You should meet her. If it’s- if it's nothing, then you'll know. If it’s not…” she trailed off with a one armed shrug, not willing to expand further. They both knew what she was saying.
She was honestly waiting for an opportunity. But not knowing what was going to happen, what she’d feel when she saw Korra, how she’d feel about Lena. Asami’s eyes watered before she blinked them dry. A part of her already knew the answer, as much as she hated it. She’d move heaven and earth for Korra, and she’d run out of time before seeing if the strength of those emotions could have developed for Lena.
“This isn’t the conversation I ever wanted to have.”
Lena huffed a laugh, mirthless and bitter smile spreading over her face. “Since when has anyone or anything cared about what we want?”
Spent, and suddenly unwilling to continue fooling herself about where things were headed, Lena gently let go of Asami’s hands, standing. She ran a shaky hand through her messy hair, then, fighting the urge to leave without saying another word. As much as she wanted to be cruel about this, she couldn't. It had nothing to do for her affection for Asami, or understanding of the situation, though she possessed both. No, it was more to do with a growing numbness that was taking over, preventing her from being anything but done.
“Call me when you've decided?”
“Lena.” Asami started to reach for her, then let her hand hang halfway between them before dropping back into her lap.
She wanted to say it would be okay. But what if that was a lie?
“Don't get up,” Lena said, plain and simple, as if she was being polite, “I'll see myself out.”