penny is a (trvllr) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-07-02 00:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, penny adiyodi, vanessa cleveland |
Who: Penny and Vanessa
What: Talking is not Penny's strong suit; getting high and avoiding his problems is
When: Recently
Where: Vanessa's apartment
Rating/Warnings: Low // cursing, drug use
Status: Complete
Penny knew how this went, Iowa hadn’t been his first rodeo with using his body to get what he wanted. The first order of business had been to find the nearest clinic and get some testing done. The second should have been to be an adult and tell Vanessa what happened and explain why he’d done what he’d done (though he wasn’t sure why he felt the need; they weren’t anything serious) (that was a damn lie and he knew it, he knew the direction that he was headed at least, and though he was actively fighting it he knew he was going to lose). In reality, he’d just been even more broody and distant than usual.
Not that he ever referred to himself as ‘broody’. But y’know. It kind of applied.
Dreaming of Kady and the Trials hadn’t helped matters any, her rejection and admission to using him. He knew it wasn’t fair to project that on V but hey, life ain’t fair and, as the movie said, is pain, highness. So Penny did what he always did in these situations.
He got stoned. More specifically, he made some brownies. Box mix but it wasn’t half bad, and they were just the delivery system. Didn’t need to skunk up Vanessa’s apartment. He was doing his best to meld with the couch (couches had an easy life, comparatively, he wouldn’t mind being a couch) when he heard the front door open.
“I’d suggest you not eat the brownies,” he called, not looking in the direction of the blonde walking by.
***
Vanessa was really trying not to let how distant Penny had been since his trip to Iowa (fucking Iowa. She was starting to hate that state now) affect her to much. She had classes and friends and training. Lots of things to keep her from dwelling on the fact that the guy living with her could barely seem to stand being in the same room with her now. None of them were working all that well to keep that from bothering her though. Or to keep those old feelings that had plagued her through most of her years in foster care from surging right back up to the surface - that conviction that there had to be something wrong with her that caused this change in his behavior.
His voice pulled her out of her thoughts and she stopped for a moment before answering him, doing her best to make sure the thoughts she’d been lost in walking through the door were shoved down underneath everything else, where he couldn’t pick up on them with his telepathy. “Not feeling much of a craving for chocolate anyway right now but thanks for the warning.” Her voice sounded almost normal, her typical self. Not as worn out as she felt beneath the pretty smiling mask she’d been wearing. And thank God she hadn’t burst into song this time. She’d be perfectly happy never getting stuck in a real life musical again.
***
Penny hummed, re-crossing his legs where he had them propped on the coffee table. “Just figured I’d give you a warning. Since you asked for them and all.” The world was fuzzy enough that he wasn’t quite as reticent as usual, and while he was still very much irritated, he didn’t have enough of a handle on his emotions to not let some of the bitterness and irritation he felt - at himself, at the situation, at Kady and by extension at V - bleed into his voice.
He still didn’t want to look at her, didn’t want to see her face or her expression because he was a goddamn sucker and knew it, he’d totally tell her everything, goddammit he was weak and hated it. “No more singing?” he asked, still staring at the blank screen of the TV (TV sucked, it turned out, at least at the moment, nothing was interesting).
***
There were definitely added benefits to working on control of her abilities with Max - she could keep herself invisible longer and was able to keep herself from reacting to the bitterness in his voice when he spoke to her. She didn’t know what was going on with him, he wasn’t telling her even though it clearly had something to do with her. Visiting her dad in New York after summer session was definitely sounding better every day. She’d go, stay with her family and come back to a less complicated life. Or maybe just transfer to NYU. Fly back out in December to celebrate Max and Nasir’s wedding. No reason not to keep in touch with her friends and family out here if staying in New York where people at least told her why they were mad at her proved to be too tempting. She shook her head - no. She wasn’t going to run away like that. If whatever Penny’s issue with her hadn’t worked itself out, or he hadn’t told her, by the time she went to visit her dad he could take that time while she was out of state to move out of her apartment.
“Not that I didn’t choose to do,” she said, refusing to step any closer to where he was sitting. She wasn’t going to make it easy for her to get any more hurt in all of this than she already was. She’d tried not to let herself get emotionally involved but she was having to accept that she’d failed at that.
***
Penny couldn’t help but take a stroll through her mind, given how open she was at the moment and the fact that his own control was slipping away. It was easier to deal with when the world wasn’t so harsh around the edges, though, and his only reactions to her thoughts of moving was to slide a little further into the couch. He forced himself away before he could hear the rest of the thought, though. He couldn’t tell her why he was acting this way. He just needed a few weeks to make sure he was clean and then things could go back to normal. Just, in the meantime, they’d suck.
...yeah that was a load of bullshit and Penny knew it. He got up and brushed past V, careful not to touch her (because once he started he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop) to get a beer. He was gonna need it.
“Least you aren’t as bad as fucking Coldwater. And weren’t singing Taylor Swift for the express purpose of pissing me off,” he called as he cracked open his beer, taking a long drink before he turned and went back to the living room.
***
Vanessa jolted back like she’d just had a bucket of ice water dumped on her when Penny said she wasn’t as bad as that guy from his dreams. “Pretty sure I’ve already figured out other ways to do that,” she snapped back at him before she could stop herself and then closed her eyes as she realized the words that had just come out of her mouth. She’d been trying so hard not to actually fight with him. “Brilliant Vanessa. Just fucking brilliant.” She whispered to herself before walking into the kitchen to get herself a bottle of water.
She needed to work on blocking him from reading her thoughts entirely, not just shoving her thoughts down below a layer of things she wouldn’t care about him finding out. She was going to have to figure out a way to find out if there were other telepaths on the network who’d be willing to teach her how too. She doubted Penny would agree if she asked him.
***
“Whoa, hey, what the fuck,” Penny said, feeling his own temper flare. Especially when that stray thought about him being mad at her flittered through her mind. He wanted to tell her that that wasn’t the case - or if he was mad at her it wasn’t because it was her but more just the fact that women in general had pissed him off and disappointed him (a pattern in his life, he was learning). But admitting any of that would be counterproductive because then he’d have to admit what was actually wrong and fuck that.
“I’m not gonna teach you, no. I don’t mind your thoughts so much. Everyone else can go take a goddamn hike but hey, it’s your life, whatever.” He took another pull from his beer and flopped back down on the couch.
***
Vanessa normally loved how tiny her apartment was, finding it cozy but tonight she wished it was larger so that she wouldn’t hear Penny’s reaction from the other room. She didn’t want to fight. She was tired of feeling like they were at odds all the time lately. Stupid stupid fucking Iowa, she thought bitterly walking back towards the living room, running her water bottle back and forth in her hands finding the crinkling sound oddly soothing for some reason.
“Which is why I wasn’t going to ask you too. If there are people that can teach me how to control different aspects of my ability there have to be people that can teach me how to block other people’s abilities. Because you might not mind my thoughts but there are times when I really hate the fact that you can read every thought that runs through my head when I’m home.” She said, hating the hurt she heard in her voice. But at least she wasn’t actually crying.
***
“Fucking Iowa, amen.” Penny took another drink, staring up at the ceiling in frustration. He let out a huff. “Look, you think I wanna hear you thinking shit about me all the time? Got enough of that from my childhood, thanks. You’re not the only one with issues here. But it’s harder to block out people that I like. And shit,” he added as a save. Smooth, Penny, smooth. “So even if you learned I probably wouldn’t be able to block you out totally.”
***
“News flash Penny - I do think about things that aren’t you. Just...Fuck it. You’ve been different ever since you got back so yeah when I’m at home, you’re taking up a lot of space in my thoughts because I have no clue what the hell to do to fix whatever I did. Okay?” She said, squeezing her hand around the water bottle in her hand so that it collapsed in on itself slightly. Good thing she hadn’t opened it yet. The last thing she wanted to do was have to mop up a bunch of water.
She looked down, trying to force herself to calm down, focusing on her breathing and that was when she noticed one of her hands had disappeared. Shit. This is what she was afraid of -- losing control of her abilities.
***
Penny considered making some comment about how he could make her not think of anything but him but that felt a little bit too much like flirting and he didn’t want to encourage that right now. He just let out another huff, drained his beer, and stood up to go get another one. “Look,” he snapped, slamming the bottle on the counter with a little too much force as he rooted around in the drawer for the bottle opener. Coming up empty, he grumbled out the opening spell he’d learned the other night in his dreams, the lid popping off easily. “Look,” he repeated, turning around to face her and forcing himself calm. “It’s not you, okay? It’s not you. You’re perfect. You haven’t done anything. It’s something I did, okay? And I don’t want you to know about it because I’m not fucking proud of it and I kinda hate myself a little. Just give me some time. I’m not...used to this whole - “ he gestured between them with the bottle “ - this bullshit.” Probably not the best way to put it but, well. He didn’t know how to do this emotional stuff.
Her fear and frustration spiked through him and he glanced down at her hands, cursing himself. He set the bottle down and crossed to her, reaching out to her. “Here, chill out, take a breath. Put your hands on mine so I know where the fuck they are. Goddammit,” he cursed. This wasn’t how things were supposed to have gone. He wasn’t sure what they should have been like but it was definitely not this.
***
Vanessa’s water bottle had hit the floor when her hands disappeared, the top popping off and dumping all over. She was going to have to mop it up after all. She was learning to keep a grip on things when she chose to use her ability but she hadn’t mastered that yet when she lost control, whatever she was holding at that time would end up on the floor. She wanted to stay in control of her tears but she lost it when Penny’s hands went around hers, tears flowing down her face as she closed her eyes tight.
“So your solution to whatever you did that’s made you feel so shitty was to make me feel like shit?” She asked quietly, refusing to open her eyes and look at him as she struggled to get her molecules to come back together and not disappear anymore.
***
Penny cursed again and finally gave in and just pulled her into his arms. She felt just as good there as he’d remembered her feeling and he didn’t want to let her go again. But… “I don’t know how to do this, okay? I’m good at about three things and emotional bullshit ain’t one of them. I’m used to just checking out when shit gets tough.”
He grunted and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t - look. I did something and I’m not gonna tell you what it was, and then Kady told me - well, doesn’t fucking matter, but it made me not want to be around you for a little while. Okay? There. It’s out, it’s my fault, I’m sorry.”
***
Vanessa wanted to shove away from him when he pulled her close but she didn’t, she leaned against him, crying onto his shoulder. Everything she’d been bottling up inside her lately spilling out in a flood as she wrapped her arms around him. “You could have told me all of that. I get it this is...whatever it is with us is different than what you’re used to but -” she pushed away from him slightly, not wanting to get her tears over his shirt anymore than she already had.
“You don’t want to tell me what’s going on that’s fine. I can live with that,” not happily really but she could live with it. “Just don’t let me think I did something if I didn’t okay?”
***
Penny let her pull away, wiping a little at his shirt and then rubbing a hand over his hair. “Yeah,” he said. “I’ll try, okay? I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. But I’m trying.” It didn’t feel like enough but he was. Part of his brain whispered that if he tried too hard and this was just another Kady...but he shook that thought off. V knew him before his powers had plopped into his lap and made themselves at home. She didn’t have any reason to want to use him.
Without anything else to do and feeling self conscious about the mushy moment, he turned back into the kitchen and began to put the brownies away. He couldn’t eat the whole batch himself (or at least, he shouldn’t) and he could always save them for the next time he was in a mood.
“How’re the hands?” he asked, with his back still turned to her.
***
Vanessa gave a short laugh at his comment about not knowing what he was doing. “This is kind of uncharted territory for me to you know. I told you - I don’t make a habit of bringing home random guys. Or letting them live with me. You’re…a new experience.” And it was kind of terrifying to her.
She looked down at her hands and sighed. “Still out. Guess I’m not getting started on that essay anytime soon. Or cooking dinner or...anything actually useful.” She told him, wishing that she could just force herself back into control of her own body.
***
“We’re two idiots, adrift in a sea of stupid,” Penny grunted with a nod.
He sighed and pulled out his phone. “Well alright then. What kind of pizza do you want?”