Couple of screws loose (quite_vexing) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-06-13 17:18:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, blake belladonna, harley quinn |
I don’t think you really believe that.
Who: Harley and Blake
What: Therapy session
When: recently
Where: Harley's office
Status: complete
Rating: Pg-13
Blake was lucky she had a scheduled session today. She hadn’t exactly had a traumatic dream, but she’d accidentally outed herself to her friends that she was faunus. Her anxiety had been sky high when she’d woken up. She stopped by the bakery to get Harley her customary powdered-sugar donut on her way to her office.
While she waited, Blake lifted a hand to scratch her head and found it really strange that she didn’t have her cat ears there. She suddenly felt so wrong without them, and without her night vision that came with it. She sighed softly, but got up and entered Harley’s office when called.
“Good morning,” she greeted, handing Harley her donut before she sat down, fingers anxiously strumming against her knees.
Harley smiled, taking the donut and taking her customary first bite, before setting it down on a napkin. She was in work attire today, so a smart black business skirt and a button up white shirt. What she typically called “repressed librarian” when she wanted to get her wife’s motor revving. Today was a less manic day, but she liked to get her manicness out on the weekend so she was at least someone normal for customers. It didn’t actually work like that but she tried to pretend. Her usual good humor was reflected in her eyes.
She could tell Blake was anxious, so tried to ease her in. “Good morning! How’ve you been since our last session?”
“Okay, I guess. I haven’t had an anxiety attack or anything like that again. There may have been a couple nightmares, not dream-related, though.” To be honest, it was difficult for Blake to keep the nightmares straight sometimes. “But, uh, I had another dream last night. I may have outed myself as a faunus to my friends inadvertently.”
At least by this point, they’d established that they were both dreamers, so Blake felt comfortable talking about her dreams. And she’d by now told Harley about the faunus thing and the whole oppression thing humans did to the faunus and all of that.
“What happened? Were you prompted to out yourself or was it an impulse?” Harley knew what it was like to hide a big secret. To keep a huge part of oneself close to the chest and never, ever let it out. Though something like being a Faunus probably wasn’t the same as sexuality, or mental instability. “And how did they take it?”
“Um, a mix of both, maybe? Yang, Ruby, Weiss and I were out in the city. Weiss had wanted to go to the port and watch the ships come in. Vale is getting ready to host a tournament and Weiss wanted to assess the competition. While there, a faunus boy caused a bit of a stir and ran by us. Long story short, Weiss was talking about how the faunus are all criminals and bad and so on so forth. I, of course, stood up for them, but was careful to not talk in the first person. Long story short, Weiss and I were arguing about it for hours. The sun had set by the time Weiss told me specifics on why she hated faunus and thought the way she did, then she made a derogatory remark about it, and I finally said that maybe we were just tired of being pushed around. Then I realized what I said, looked at her, Ruby and Yang and just bolted out the door before anyone could say anything. So. I don’t actually know how they reacted. But I’m sure that Weiss will hate me on principle now. And I don’t know about Yang and Ruby, they’ve never really said anything about faunus.”
So that was a big mouthful of an explanation, but it was what she had. Blake didn’t have the answers considering her dream had ended after that faunus boy said he knew she’d look better without the bow.
So Blake had been outed in the heat of the moment. That made sense. She was so secretive about it that the argument must have worn her down. Harley knew it was a touchy subject. It had to be. That kind of oppression had real-world parallels and Harley only needed to reflect on conversations she'd had with one of the other shrinks that had come on after Ferguson to make the obvious comparison. Harley wasn't black and they'd needed someone that black people would be comfortable talking to about anxiety and fear over what was happening to their community.
Too bad there were no Faunus doctors. She'd just have to do her best. “So now you’re afraid that your friends are going to hate you. What about your school?"
“Yeah, I am,” Blake admitted. While she didn’t get racism nearly as much in this life, she wasn’t white either. And she still got flack for her skin color at times, but she did her best to ignore those people and move on. “Professor Ozpin, the one who runs the school, knows I’m a faunus and he doesn’t care. He was supportive of me when I plead my case to him for being accepted to the school. But the students at large? There’s another faunus girl there with rabbit ears. She gets bullied a lot, from what I can see.”
“I’m sorry, that’s awful.” She wondered if that kind of anxiety could carry over from the dreams, or if the general anxiety that Blake felt was just related to her background. Her ex and her religion had done a number on her. It really pissed Harley off.
She made a mental note to break Tom Cruise’s nose.
“How do your friends react when that happens?”
“They don’t really like it. Well, at least Yang and Ruby. It’s hard to gauge Weiss.” Logically, Blake doubted that Yang and Ruby would have any problem with her being faunus. She felt both of them judged people on how they acted, not how they looked. But even so, Blake had taken great pains to keep the fact she was faunus a secret.
And then there were Jaune, Nora, Pyrrha and Ren as well. Blake also didn’t think they’d look at her differently from what she knew of them. But even then, her fear of how people would view her over a pair of ears was overwhelming. She lifted a hand to scratch her head, but again paused when she didn’t feel cat ears there. It was weird knowing she had them in the dreams, but didn’t have them here. Then feeling like she looked weird just having her hand sitting there on top of her head doing nothing, she pulled it away and set it back down in her lap.
“So you have friends, and allies too. The rabbit girl might appreciate someone who understands, but I can understand trying to keep your head down.” It was a tough choice. Step up and expose yourself, or protect yourself.
“Have you talked to anyone else about your dreams?”
“I think she would. I at least try to be way nice to her.” Blake liked to be nice to people as a general rule. Some people just made it difficult to make that possible, though. “Yes, I have. I’ve talked with Yang about them a little. She knows I’ve started dreaming. And I think she’s dreamt way further ahead because she’s dropped some hints.” Blake didn’t know what was in store for her in her dreams, but she definitely preferred to find out for herself and not be told what was coming. “I’ve also talked with Logan about them. Turns out he and I have a few things in common. Mutants and faunus are not so different.”
It was a sad thing. Harley thought that every world had something like a Faunus or a Mutant. Some group that got the shit end of the stick. She and her mallet could only do so much. That’s why she had her day job.
“God, it would be so hard to not drop hints. I’m gonna have to admire her restraint!” Though from observation she wasn’t sure this Yang had restraint?
“I don’t think Yang has much in the way of restraint. It could be more like something happened that should only be experienced in the dreams. But I don’t know. I don’t even know what’s going to happen next. I ran, like I always do, and the faunus monkey boy from the port found me. He said he’d thought I’d look better without the bow covering my ears. That’s where the dream stopped.” For all Blake knew, she wouldn’t go back to Beacon and would instead leave Vale to do...something.
“Finding someone who’s like you can help you center yourself and discover a way forward,” Harley pointed out. “But so does having a different perspective. Unless that person thinks you shouldn’t exist, anyway.”
Running away, now that was something she could try to address. “You run from your family, your White Fang, and now your friends. Maybe what you’re really running from is something inside of you that you’re scared to face.”
“What, that I’m actually an awful person?” Blake made mistakes, she didn’t claim innocence. But her opinion of herself was pretty much as low as an opinion could be. Thanks in no small part to her ex and Scientology in this life. In the dreams, however, she was extremely self-conscious of her cat ears. It was why she hid them when she was around humans. “Or maybe it’s just as simple as I’m a scaredy cat and run when things get tough.”
Blake took a breath and brushed some hair behind an ear. “Or maybe I just hate myself and hate being a faunus.” Which wasn’t really accurate. Blake wanted to be accepted for who she was, but she knew that wasn’t really going to happen. Not on a large scale, anyways.
Harley waited patiently. The only one who could admit what was inside Blake was Blake, and all Harley could do was encourage that. “I don’t think you really believe that.”
“That’s precisely the problem. I don’t know what I believe anymore. I know in my dreams I’m confident and want to stand up to injustice and make things right in the world, but I always run when things get tough. Hell, even my semblance is a form of running and hiding.” Blake felt like that said a lot about her as a person, that she could make a shadow of herself and run while people were focused on the shadow.
“And I know that I’m not strong like my dream self.” Which was really putting herself down, and that was all the abuse talking. Anyone who came out of the experience she did with their lives were strong, but the belief of that tended to take time to come to realize.
“You’re strong. You’re trying very hard, you’re willing to see me. You’re willing to trust again. That takes strength. A different kind of strength from fighting, but still strength.” Harley leaned forward, dropping some of the professional ‘accent’ she used. “Kiddo, when ya look in the mirror, who do you see? Strip away this person you’ve built yourself up to be, and think about who you are. Things you wanna do, people you wanna help. Cuz you can’t tell me that it’s just dreamkitty who wants to help people.”
As usual, Harley was right. The fact that Blake was even in this office was proof she was trying to work through her crap, and it took strength to do that. “I do want to help people, but I don’t have the courage to. Maybe I never will have the courage to help others like me. I don’t know, but it’s definitely something I don’t have now.” She took a deep breath. “Maybe I should just try to emulate Yang. She’s always kind and confident and going out of her way to help others.”
“That’s not a bad idea,” Harley replied. “But you’re already kind. You just need the confidence.”
She leaned forward, chin on hand. “You mention Yang a lot.”
“It’s hard not to when we dream of the same things, and when we keep crossing paths here.” Blake wasn’t reading into anything. It was the beginning of a friendship, if she could trust enough to give her relationship with Yang that title. “Ruby’s also here. Thankfully she’s more quiet and socially awkward like I am. We tend to get together for tea and read. I don’t know if she’s started dreaming yet, but as it is, I like her. I don’t feel pressured to be social when I’m around since she understands the whole not being a people-person thing.”
“Is being pressured to be social around people why you always feel anxious around Yang?” At the moment Harley didn’t know if Yang was a good or bad influence on Blake. It seemed good, someone who was willing to talk and listen. But that anxiety thing. Gay panic?
“I don’t think so? Yang’s never pressured me into being social or even to talk. The first time I had an anxiety attack around her was because of talking about family and remembering the horrible things I yelled at my parents the last time I saw them. It brought up the feelings of being a terrible daughter, along with everything else I’d failed at. The second time I saw a guy holding onto a girl the same way my ex held onto me.” Blake didn’t elaborate on that one, she felt Harley would understand how that could set her off.
“It’s more circumstances than Yang actually giving me anxiety, I think.” At least that’s what Blake believed currently.
“Feel anything like that before the couple set you off?” Harley didn’t have to ask why. She understood, intimately. For all her violent tendencies, that was something she was always careful with Helena, Christine, and her side lovers.
“No, I was actually in a pretty good mood. Though this did occur during that singing epidemic thing. I actually sang a song at Yang about abuse, which was totally not how I actually would have told her about it.” Blake would’ve broken that a lot easier if she’d had the chance to.
“That probably ain’t a bad way to go about it actually. Saved you a lotta trouble since now it’s been aired and you know how she reacted.” Harley dropped the subject for now, to focus on other things. “So other than Yang and Ruby, have you made any other friends?”
Singing probably was for the best. It had allowed Blake to be abstract but specific enough so that Yang understood what she was actually saying. At the question, Blake actually had to think. “Not really? At least no one I’d give that name to.”
“It’s a start! A few close friends are important, but I encourage you to cast a wider net of acquaintances.” With any friendship there were bound to be occasional arguments, or even issues that one couldn’t share with those they were closest to. Harley, obviously, was there to listen, but it was healthy to have other friends.
“Logan has a kid your age, have you talked to her much?” Not that Laura was much of a talker either.
“That’s easier said than done,” she responded honestly. Blake wasn’t a social person. But hey, she’d made friends with Yang and Ruby somehow. So maybe, just maybe, she could actually find some other friends if she tread carefully. “No, I haven’t.” Again, she probably should talk to Laura considering she was living with Logan and all.
“Well. There’s a start! Can’t say I ever talked to her myself, most of my interactions with Logan are the kind for behind doors,” Harley joked. “And on any available flat surface.”
Oh god, Blake didn’t need to know that about her therapist and the man she was living with. In fact, Logan seemed to have another lover as well. He had given her money and told her to go have fun all night not that long ago. “I...see…” She responded, eye darting a bit.
Harley giggled, and spared her charge the sordid details. No one needed to hear them (okay everyone needed to hear them). “Look at this way. No matter how badly you’ve been hurt in the past, you can move on, eventually.”
Blake nodded a bit. “May I ask you a personal question?” She wasn’t certain if it was appropriate to really ask, but she really wanted to know the answer. No, she needed to know the answer so that she could feel less like a freak about herself.
Well, okay, she actually had two questions, the one was personal and the other was not. At least not in the same way.
“Always,” Harley replied. “Always.”
“I’m sorry if it brings up bad memories or something, but how long did it take you to be able to be intimate with someone again after you got out of your abusive relationship? It doesn’t have to even be in the sexual meaning, even just general letting people touch you sense.” Blake didn’t know how long it would take her before she could get to the point of being sexually active again. And she still had issues with touching as it was.
It was a fair question, one that Harley had expected eventually. Her admission about Logan might have only partially been impulsive!
“When I finally got away from him? In this world it was a little harder than in my dreams. I’m real touchy in my dreams, get into peoples’ personal space. I had Red there, an’ she helped a lot. I was able to move on pretty quickly but like I said, I crave touch. I didn’t have her here an’ I wasn’t that crazy here, so it took me months before I was okay with certain people touchin’ me. I didn’t have sex for over a year an’ those first few times were difficult. But I don’t regret them. Now...” Harley shrugged. “I love freely an openly an’ with as many people as I want. For someone else, they might feel nervous with just one person. Ain’t one way to do it.”
She tapped her pen against her lips. “Ain’t nothing wrong with you if it takes you some time. Ain’t nothing wrong if you want to get right to it either. Everyone is different, an’ you’re not broken. Especially because you might not even know how you’ll react until you’re in the middle of it. I know I didn’t.”
Blake listened carefully. It was hard to tell how she’d actually respond if sex ever came up, but she also wasn’t looking to get involved with anyone. She was too messed up to actually be in a relationship, let alone anything else in that same realm.
“Okay. I’m still really skittish about people touching me. But that’s good to know.” Blake still felt like she was a bit of a freak about that, and wondered if Yang secretly thought that, but she wasn’t going to ask. However, she had another question for Harley. “Do you think it’s weird to feel like you’re wrong in this life? I mean, I’m starting to feel wrong without having my cat ears or faunus abilities. Or even my Semblance or fighting abilities.”
“Just let it come naturally, and let people know when it get to you. Anyone worth their salt will listen!”
This time, Harley got up, and tugged at her own shirt. “You think I like wearing these penguin suits? You ain’t the only one who feels a little lost without parts of themselves that can only be found in that other world.”
Blake nodded a bit. “At least it’s not just me. Though at least it’s easy for me to hide the cat ears. It’d be more difficult if I had a fox tail or horns or something.” Of course the mention of horns made her think of Adam, and she lowered her head a bit as she tried to push him out of her mind.
Harley tilted her head, waiting patiently for Blake to elaborate. She could almost see the ear drooping.
She took a couple slow breaths before she lifted her head again. “Sorry, Adam had horns. Kind of something like a bull’s but not nearly as big.” It wasn’t easy to think of Adam. Seriously, it wasn’t easy dealing with abuse from both her dream life and her waking life. It tended to compound her problems.
“Was he the same in the dreams?” Harley asked. “I know he can’t ever be exactly the same, but my abusers were.. Close enough that it gave me flashbacks. I had someone to help me through them, but it wasn’t easy.”
“Yes, he was.” Sometimes it was hard to differentiate what happened in her dreams and what had happened in this life in regards to Adam. “It’s definitely hard to deal with the flashbacks. Especially when something unexpected triggers them.”
“I wish I could tell you they go away. They’ll get better, happen less. But it’ll still happen sometimes. Nothing you can control.” She sat on the edge of her desk, “Even now. Sometimes my wife will touch me just the wrong way at just the wrong time. An’ I’ll freeze up. It ain’t her fault, an’ it ain’t mine.”
It really was horrible that people could hurt people like this where they had to deal with the consequences for the rest of their lives. And yet the abuser never had that problem. “How do you handle it when that happens? And how does your wife take it?” Better to know in the event Blake ever got into dating again. But if she had anything to say about it, that definitely was not going to be happening anytime in the near future.
“I take a breath, I try to remember where I am and who it is. And she backs off a little and waits for me to calm down. Sometimes we talk it out. Sometimes we just hug. Sometimes we pretend it never happened.” In many ways an oversimplification, but some things needed to be simplified.
“She sounds like a good person,” Blake commented. Yang and Logan were patient with her and never pushed her to talk. Even when she was having anxiety problems, they just waited it out and were silently there for her. Hell, Yang had told her a story when she’d asked her to once.
“That’s why I married her! But then it’s hard to find a person who’s into the whole sharing deal.” But Helena was kind and strong and yet vulnerable in all the right ways.
Sharing. Blake definitely wasn’t the sharing type. “That’s good. Suppose there’s someone for everyone as long as you’re lucky enough to find them.” Not everyone did find the right person. Blake wasn’t naive, she knew that not everyone got happy endings.
“They’re out there, kiddo. Just make sure you love yourself too.” Harley of all people knew how hard that could be. Certain dreams had regressed her self-loathing somewhat. But she was okay, honest!
“That is far easier said than done,” she confessed. If anyone else had said that to her, Blake would’ve had a different, less revealing response. She had a lot of damage to work through, and her self-esteem was non-existent. It would take time to build it up.
“It’s hard, but in the end it’s worth it. You deserve better, Blake.”
“I think most everyone deserves better.” Except people like her ex and those who just generally took pleasure in other people’s pain. Those people didn’t deserve better.
“Especially those who’ve only known a world of pain.” There was so much better in the world for Blake, and Harley just hoped these sessions helped, even if it was in a small way. But already she’d seen so much progress.
“Yeah, I agree.” Sometimes it was hard to tell if the sessions were helping. But then it was difficult for Blake to see the progress when she had a lot of stuff to deal with and work through. But she’d made the choice to work through it and not let it beat her. Even though some days she felt like she should simply let it beat her.
“I want you to try an exercise this week,” Harley suggested. “Every time you feel like it’s too much. Or the depression and pain is too much. Think of one good thing that exists in this world, and think of one good thing that exists in your life. It’s okay to have a little bit of a floatation device, if you’re afraid of drowning.”
“Okay, I’ll try that.” How successful it would be remained to be seen. But Blake would at least try. If it didn’t work, it didn’t work, and they’d find some other way to deal with things. Reminding herself of good things would hopefully help.