At least I can say that I've tried
Who: Li, Yang and Evie What: Breaking up is hard to do in song form, Yang gets advice from Li then goes to talk to Evie When: 6/4 Where: First Yang's, then Evie's Status: complete Rating: PG-13 for heartbreaking
Yang had been doing some soul-searching. But she didn’t have anyone to talk to about what was going through her heart and her head. She’d considered polling the Network but didn’t want to start anything and also didn’t want to look like a complete bitch. Ahsoka and Li might have some good advice but she already suspected they’d tell her things she already knew.
She sang a single line and wrinkled her nose, “The hardest thing I'll ever have to do, And it's holdin' her and lovin' you.”
It was to no one in particular, at least no one that was present, and Yang sighed and buried her face in her hands.
Li had been aware that Yang had been having some sort of crisis of late. She’d kept her distance, figuring Yang would talk when she was ready, or give some other indication she either needed, or wanted, to talk. And then she’d gotten injured from her dreams, and things had been hell on her. Though Morrigan had at least been able to speed up the healing process. The burn wasn’t completely healed, but it was probably 75% there. Morrigan would do another treatment on it later, but at least Li could move easier now.
Which was how she heard the line Yang sang. There’d been a lot of singing happening recently, but Li was thankfully unaffected by it. She came limping around the corner to see Yang with her head in her hands.
“Are you alright?” Li asked gently.
“No.” Yang admitted. She lifted her head, her eyes wet. “I’m in a situation. It’s a stupid situation that’s all my fault and I’m going to end up hurting someone.”
She’d rather fight Grimm.
“Do you want to talk about it? Maybe I can help you figure the best way through it?” Not that Li knew what the situation was, and she wasn’t even certain she could offer concrete advice on the matter. But Yang was her friend and she wanted to help her wherever she could. She limped her way over and carefully sat down by Yang.
“Something happened yesterday.” She lowered her head. “Is it possible to cheat on someone without actually doing anything? Like emotionally.”
Ah, relationship problems. Those weren’t Li’s forte, but she’d do her best to help where she could. “I suppose it’s possible, though I’m no expert. But it seems possible for someone to be in a relationship with one person, but have feelings for someone else.”
“You’ve met Evie. She’s amazing.” There was a ‘but’ there and Yang hated that ‘but’ it made her feel like a horrible person. “But then Blake came. And I thought I could just… ignore things. She’s… I can’t really talk about it, but there was singing and I felt things. More than just the way I’d feel about Weiss like that. Or you and Ahsoka. More than...”
“More than Evie,” Li finished. “First of all, the way you feel is not your fault, and anyone who blames you for having feelings are assholes that aren’t worth your time.” She just wanted that said. “Secondly, ignoring feelings is one of the worst things you can do. Ignoring them and pushing them away will only ensure that they’ll come out in some horrible way that will be far worse than you being honest with yourself and with Evie.”
Li was right. Of course Li was right, Yang could have said that herself. But she’d needed to hear someone say it. She leaned her shoulder against Li’s, “I’m gonna hurt her. And for something that’s not even a certainty.”
“Nothing in life is certain,” Li said, leaning into Yang a bit. “Yes it will hurt her, but I think she’d appreciate the honesty. And if she cares about you, she wouldn’t want you to suffer like this, that she’d rather you were happy. It won’t make it easier, of course, but it will be better than trying to hide it.”
“Probably better to… you know rip the bandaid off.” And not do it over texts. Evie didn’t deserve to do it over texts. But the whole ‘we need to talk’ thing would probably…
Yang really, really didn’t want to do this. “You know, I started being worried what I’d do. If she told me she loved me. Because I didn’t know what I’d say back.”
“Yes, I think that would be best.” Li knew that getting it over with would be the best thing. Dragging it out would only make things worse. “Do you have feelings for her? Or is it difficult to tell because of your feelings for Blake?”
“For Evie?” Yang shrugged. “Maybe if we’d had more time before Blake. But it’s not fair to Evie to keep...Ugh, I thought I was stronger than this!”
Taking a breath, she got to her feet. “..guess the right thing to do isn’t always the good thing to do.”
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up over it too much. You obviously care about Evie, but I think you know it would be even worse if you did nothing and simply stayed with Evie and ignored your feelings for Blake.” Breaking up with someone was hardly ever an easy thing to do.
“Actually, the right thing to do isn’t always the easiest,” Li corrected. “Sometimes it can even feel like the wrong thing to do, but this is a case of it being the right thing but not being easy.”
It would probably end up hurting worse if she ignored it and kept going. Yang had never been in either position. But she could imagine how Evie would feel if she started getting distant. “Thanks. I should… go do this. Before it gets worse for her.”
Li stood up carefully, setting a hand on Yang’s shoulder and gave her an encouraging smile. “You’re welcome. And if you need ice cream or a shoulder or something afterwards, I’ll be here.”
Thinking she’d probably need it, Yang left the flat. The radio in the car played a string of sad break-up songs, and she was an emotional mess by the time she got to Evie’s. She exhaled, forcing herself to be calm and at least somewhat less like she’d had an emotional breakdown, before jogging up to the door and knocking.
Evie was having a difficult time of her own for very different reasons. She couldn’t get ahold of her brother, and she was trying not to worry. She’d had several phone calls with her superiors since the night before. Mentions of her transferring back to London were made, but she got them to tone that down to just a few days.
When she heard the knock on her door, she’d been waiting to see if her brother would actually respond. Some of her friends had thankfully responded to her calls or text messages, so she wasn’t completely out of her mind. However, when she answered the door it looked like she hadn’t slept yet. Which was pretty accurate. Though she smiled at seeing Yang.
“It’s good to see you. Come in,” she said, stepping aside to let her girlfriend in.
“Hey.” Yang gave her a slightly subdued smile. She took in the way Evie looked. “... is this a bad time?”
Keeping up with the news was not at all that something that Yang had been doing today.
“No, I could use the company.” She noted the subdued smile on Yang’s face. “Are you alright?” Evie wasn’t assuming that Yang did or didn’t know of the events that had happened in London the previous afternoon California time. But she didn’t precisely want to talk about more terrorist attacks. Especially when it would cross into her job and, well, everything she did was classified.
“I’m…” Yang just shrugged and came inside, her hands in her pockets. “Okay, I guess. A complicated okay.”
Probably more okay than Evie was about to be and Yang could feel a song starting to build.
Evie closed the door and looked Yang over a little. The body language was off, at least from how Yang normally was. “Do you want to talk about it?” She wasn’t sure what had happened, but she wanted to help, if she could.
“It’s kinda why I’m here. To talk, and junk.” Yang looked up at Evie. Never one to be able to really hide how she felt, there was guilt and sadness in her eyes. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. And … songs kind of made me realize a few things.”
The look in Yang’s eyes was enough to tell Evie that she was about to hear something bad. And with the comment about her thinking, Evie didn’t need to ask, she kind of thought that it had to do with Blake. Evie’s heart sunk and she drew in a slow breath to try and keep herself under control. “What have you come to realize?” She managed to ask calmly.
Yang closed her eyes, singing low and mournfully, her voice raw and throat soar. "I'm here just like I said, Though its breaking every rule I've ever made. My racing heart is just the same. Why make it strong to break it once again? And I'd love to say I do. Give everything to you, But I can never now be true...."
She moved onto a different song, “And I think you should know this, You deserve much better than me. And I think you should know this. You deserve much better than me."
The words Yang sang broke Evie’s heart. Tears filled her eyes and she took a couple slow breaths, still trying to hold onto herself. She didn’t want to completely lose it right away. But a song came to her, and she started singing, voice wavering with emotion. “I hope life treats you kind. And I hope you have all you’ve dreamed of. And I wish you joy and happiness. But above all this, I wish you love.”
She hadn’t expected that particular song to come out, but there it was. And Evie felt the entire song was fitting to her. She was falling in love, but now her heart was breaking. And she knew she wasn’t what Yang needed. And that was probably the thing that hurt the most in all of this.
And Yang felt awful, she really, truly did. And she didn't feel like she deserved to cry or feel anything but awful. Evie deserved better, and there was still a part of Yang that didn't want to let her go. What if Blake never, ever felt the same way? What if she ruined things with her before they had a chance to start? But what if she stayed with Evie and her feelings for Blake grew stronger, until they overwhelmed what she felt for Evie?
Hadn't that already happened? The song that Yang had almost sung had been a plea to let her go, but it seemed like Evie already was. Yang's voice broke. "I'm so sorry Hello from the outside. At least I can say that I've tried, to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart."
Evie had always kept her emotions close to her chest, and now she was wondering if that had contributed at all to the break up she was currently going through. But she would let Yang go, though it hurt like hell to do so. Evie never let anyone see her cry. Even her brother had probably only seen her cry once or twice and they’d spent almost all of their time together. And yet tears were starting to roll down her cheeks, especially when Yang sang that Adele song.
“Over, I can’t believe it’s over. I can’t believe the love I left to show some other day.” Evie’s own voice broke. Suddenly she wondered if there was even a point to coming back to Orange County after going to London.
Now there was crying. Yang didn't know what to do. Her natural inclination was to hold her and hug her, but she didn't think that was all that appropriate right now. Did Evie really love her? If she'd ever said it before, chances are Yang would have hesitated. And things would have gone this way anyway.
"I tried," Yang said, tears on her own face. "But that's not good enough. Not after ..."
Evie had been afraid of saying it, though it was because she was super protective of her heart, and not because of anything having to do with Yang. She’d been afraid that saying something would’ve jinxed things, but it seemed she hadn’t needed to worry about that considering what was happening now. She sniffed and wiped at some tears, but they were quickly replaced by new ones.
“I know you tried, and I don’t blame you for this. I’m not mad things didn’t work, sometimes they just don’t.” And sometimes dream love interests show up in Orange County and how could Evie compete with that? Evie was trying to steer away from potent discussion of her heart. She wanted to put some distances between herself and her heart so she could think straight.
"I didn't wanna keep dragging you along." But she might have. For a little while longer, if it wasn't for the singing. Seeing Blake laid bare like that had also ripped off the blanket she'd put over her feelings for her.
She loved Evie. But she loved Blake. "I didn't really get what was going on in my heart until this.. singing thing started."
Evie, who always kept everything so close to her chest, couldn't right now Yang could tell. Yang's heart broke. "Walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme, You know my love goes with you as your love stays with me. It's just the way it changes like the shoreline and the sea. But let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie. Your eyes are soft with sorrow. Hey, that's no way to say goodbye"
“And I appreciate that.” Evie hadn’t wanted to be dragged along. “I guess that’s what happens with music and singing, it gets out what a person really feels without filters.” She didn’t like not having filters. Even currently she was trying her damnedest to hide her broken heart behind walls to keep it from being hurt further.
She sniffed and squared her shoulders a bit. Evie was trying to rely on both her military and Assassin training and staying as strong as possible. It was a defense mechanism. Though she had to give a soft, sad chuckle in response to those lyrics. “No, I suppose it isn’t a way to say goodbye.” She wanted to remain friends with Yang, but she needed time apart before she could manage that.
Yang rocked on her heels, then abruptly rushed in and crushed Evie in a hug. It lasted several seconds before she pulled away and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “I understand. If you don’t wanna see me anymore.”
Which would suck. Yang still liked Evie, she still trusted her and believed in her.
Everything was just so complicated. She dared to take Evie’s hands. "There'll be good times again for me and you. But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too. Still I'm glad for what we had, and how I once loved you"
The hug was unexpected, but Evie accepted it and she hugged Yang back. She closed her eyes, just taking the hug in for some moments. It would probably be the last hug she’d have for a while, depending on how her trip to London went. When Yang pulled back, she sniffed and tried to stop crying. She only managed to slow the tears down.
“I do want to still see you. I just need a little time, a little distance first. But it won’t be forever, I promise.” Evie just needed enough time to do her version of healing, which tended to be bury the broken pieces and focus solely on work.
When Yang took her hands and sang again, Evie looked at her. Right now, she doubted good times were in store for her. She had a lot of work to do, and she should probably make good on all of her research and go to the Middle East and take out some ISIS soldiers. It would be good for venting.
Evie gently squeezed Yang’s hands. “It’ll be okay, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.” She was trying to be optimistic. It was easier than falling into despair at the current moment, and she didn’t want to turn this into a huge argument or something that would make everything worse. It was hard enough as it currently was.
“I’m the one that should be saying that,” Yang pointed out. No goodbye kisses, no break-up sex. It was probably better for Evie that way. “You’re amazing and you deserve someone who can give you all of themselves.”
“You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy.” Evie was fast coming to the conclusion she shouldn’t actually date, and should just marry her job. It’d be easier that way, or so she thought. Her job could take her across the world at a moment’s notice, that wasn’t fair to anyone she’d date. It had been lucky that she hadn’t had to really deal with that when it came to Yang. Though had the break up not happened, she would have had to tell her she needed to leave. Now, that paled in comparison to getting her heart broken.
Yang didn’t even know if she was going to be happy. Everything was so uncertain. But maybe dating in general wasn’t a good idea right now. Not if she needed to be there for Blake, not if she had to keep looking after her sister if she dreamed. If nothing else, maybe this was good for that. She shook her head, and kissed Evie’s hands before letting go of them.
Life itself was uncertain, and Evie knew that her job would always come first. This right here was reminding her of that, that relationships would never work for her because she would put her job first. Counter-terrorism was important, but Evie also had things from her dreams adding to it, namely her father’s warning of not letting personal feelings jeopardize the mission. She was made to be single, or at least that’s what she was telling herself so she could try and bury the pieces of her heart that much faster.
“I don’t just mean that in relationships, you know. I mean it in general. I want you to be happy in whatever you do.”
Sometimes, Yang could be surprisingly perceptive. “Listen to your own advice, Evie. Don’t let this poison you to other people.”
“I have friends, it’ll be fine.” Evie did wonder if Yang would have ultimately accepted the pitfalls of Evie’s job. Not to mention the whole Assassin thing, though despite the name Evie only killed bad people. She never hurt innocents, the Creed forbade it.
They’d never know Yang was a huntress and she’d grown up in a family of huntresses but Yang had abandonment issues. She might not have gotten over the idea. “Maybe me again some day.”
She started to back to the door, before she did something like try to take it all back.
Yang’s words felt like another stab to her heart, and suddenly Evie felt guilty that she needed time to heal before being Yang’s friend again. “You will be, I promise.” Evie hoped that it would be enough for Yang. She didn’t try to stop her, she didn’t have the strength to really move right now. Evie lowered her head and pressed a hand over her mouth as she started crying again.
Oh, oh Evie. Yang bit hard on her lip and tasted blood. Evie wasn’t the one that was supposed to feel guilty. She was the one getting her heart broken, though Yang’s was breaking too. Both for Evie and because of Evie. She opened the door, glancing back at Evie as she slid outside. The door closed with a quiet click and Yang leaned against it, a pained whine escaping her throat.
Once Yang left and the door closed, Evie sunk down to her knees, then sat there on the floor as a couple sobs came out of her. This had distracted her from what was happening in London, but this was not the kind of distraction she’d wanted. Perhaps she should be careful what she wished for in future. Though in a strange sort of way, perhaps the events in London were timely in that it would give her something to focus on, something to do so she didn’t simply sit around her apartment and mope for days. She had a job she needed to do, but first she needed to cry it out a bit before she could get up and get back to work.
Though she should also text Ezio, mostly to let him know she was going back to London, then probably go hunting for ISIS for a couple weeks. But that would come once she could get up.