Inside we're torn apart but time will mend our hearts.
Who: Blake and Yang What: Emotional singing When: 6/3 Where: A park Status: complete Rating: PG-13, discussions/singing of abuse
So far things were going better than Blake had anticipated. She was actually making friends, and she had a therapist helping her work through the abuse trauma. Blake wasn’t going to be too optimistic yet, but she was at least thinking maybe things could get better. Though she was still waiting for the other shoe to drop as it always tended to do. But for now, she was trying to just enjoy the good things that she had.
After getting off work, she decided to go for a walk. There was a lot on her mind, and she was trying to sort through it. After a while, she came to a stop and leaned against a tree. She spotted a familiar blonde across the way, and decided that for once she was going to approach her. Blake headed over, catching up to Yang.
“Hello, Yang,” she greeted.
Yang was startled out of her own thoughts by Blake’s voice. Of course Blake would manage to sneak up on her, even if Yang’s excuse was she was preoccupied. That was totally and only it.
Her smile, though, was bright and genuine. “Hey, Blake! Wasn’t expecting to run into you today.”
Blake hadn’t been trying to sneak up on anyone. But perhaps she just moved more silently than most, or some of her dream abilities were starting to crossover. It was hard to tell. “I figured I owe you a couple instances of running into you.” Which she probably did with how often Yang had run into her after she’d first arrived here.
“Then I’ll run into you again and you’ll have to keep running into me,” Yang said, laughing. She wouldn’t say no to the idea, and gestured for Blake to sit next to her. “I was people watching, mostly.” She pointed at a couple down the way a bit. “I’ve decided they’re super spies.”
“It’s a vicious cycle, apparently.” Blake quipped before she sat down beside Yang and looked over at the couple she’d pointed out. “What makes you think that?” Blake liked people-watching now and then, though she preferred keeping her nose in a book.
“No reason. The guy has a shifty look to him and the girl’s pants are very spy-like to me. Black leather and everything.” She might be quite obviously entranced by the black leather pants.
“It’s just fun to come up with wild stories about people. Most of them have pretty boring lives, probably.”
“Probably. Most lives are boring, I’d think.” Though it obviously depended on what someone did in their life. Blake looked around, spying another couple. Though the way the guy had his arm around the girl hit Blake in the wrong way, mostly because that was how her ex-boyfriend had held onto her when he wanted complete control over her.
She pressed her lips together tightly. Blake also started feeling an urge to burst into song for no apparent reason.
“Mine sure isn’t.” Yang laughed. She wouldn’t mind her arm around Blake, but in a different way. Friends and partnership were different from possessiveness. She glanced at Blake. “Hey… you okay?”
Blake was fine with her life being boring. In fact, she’d seriously welcome it after what she’d been through before coming to Orange County. She clenched her jaw a bit, glancing at the people around them, trying to judge how embarrassing it would be if she burst into song right here.
“I need to walk,” she managed to say as she stood up. “You can come if you want.” She started heading in a direction that had the least amount of people in it.
Yang got to her feet, biting back a retort that would probably get her slapped and made her feel really guilty. She actually didn’t know if she could keep her feelings for Blake platonic, and it was really hard not to flirt with her.
It was made a little easier when Blake was in distress, which seemed to be every time they met. She had to rush to keep up with her. “If you ever need to talk...I can be a sounding board and I don’t share secrets.”
Really, Blake didn’t quite understand why she was in distress so much around Yang. She didn’t have these issues when she was around Ruby. It was weird and Blake would prefer to stop having this distress. No doubt Yang must think she had a screw loose or something. Finally getting to an area that was largely devoid of people within earshot, Blake took a breath. She ran her hands through her hair and closed her eyes for a couple moments.
And then she started to sing, unable to control the urge anymore. And it was prodded by Yang’s offer. The song she sang wasn’t a nice once, either. It was about abuse, and while it may be poetic, the picture it painted was anything but. When she finished singing, she looked at Yang, unable to mask the pain, and there were tears in her eyes.
And suddenly she seemed to be both far older than she actually was, and far more broken than she tended to let anyone other than Harley really see.
She never wanted Blake to be in distress, though their inevitable conversation surrounding the fall of Beacon might be stressful for both of them. Yang didn't even know how they'd both end up reacting, but she at least had the benefit of time.
She didn't expect Blake to sing, though she'd seen people talking about it on the network. And she didn't expect a song like that, so raw and painful. It was like a dagger of empathy in her chest. So much pain. Blake was in so much pain and Yang couldn’t fix it. She was the team mom and Blake’s partner and she couldn’t fix that.
"Oh Blake..." That was about Adam, it had to be. Yang reached for Blake's hand, then froze and let her hand drop to her side. What she really wanted to do was hug her. And possibly kill Adam. "You deserve so much better than that."
And then it was like music welled up in Yang's soul. "Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live, maybe one of these days you can let the light in. Show me how big your brave is. Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave."
Yang's voice trailed off, and she blinked in surprise. She wiped her eyes with the back of her left hand. "Do you wanna see if the playhouse is empty?"
If it was going to be a day like that she thought they'd both need a little more privacy.
It definitely wouldn’t be easy when Blake got to the dream of what happened during the fall of Beacon. But Blake wasn’t nearing that point yet, she had no notion of what was to come.
Now, she hadn’t expected to sing, but there it was. She hadn’t expected to sing an entire song, or what seemed to be an entire song, but it was what it was. Blake hadn’t expected Yang to sing in response to her, either, and she just kind of stared at her. And tears started running down her cheeks. She sniffed a bit and took a breath, then nodded at Yang. She didn’t know if Logan was home or not, and she’d rather have some privacy for a while anyway.
This time, Yang took Blake’s hand, seeking some kind of physical link and offering the same. Whether or not Blake let her didn’t matter, she still led the way to the playground. What was quickly becoming their place in her mind was empty, and she climbed up the ladder. Thankfully, she didn’t sing any climbing songs. “Okay…”
She didn’t fight it when Yang took her hand, though it did make her feel a little odd. Blake climbed up the ladder and immediately moved to one of the walls, putting her back against it as she drew her knees up to her chest.
“I don’t know where the song came from, but it’s not about my dreams. It’s about my ex-boyfriend here.” Blake felt like she should clarify that point. She wasn’t aware that Yang knew who Adam was in the dreams, but she still felt she should distinguish that it was this life. “He and his family were Scientologists as well.” It was uncanny how Blake had never even mentioned her parents to anyone. She’d rather people just assume she was an orphan. She might as well be one anyway.
Yang sat cross-legged, her knee almost touching one of Blake’s feet. She didn’t know if Blake’s ex was the same as the asshole from their dreams, and she decided it was better not to ask right now. “They made you think everything he did was right and normal. Which made it harder to escape and see that the world could be a lot better than that.”
As of yet, Yang had no idea Blake’s parents were alive.
“They didn’t know how he could get, actually. I never said anything, and he never acted out in front of them.” Any bruises that may have been noticed by others were played off as Blake being clumsy. Falling down stairs, running into this or that, so on and so forth. Always making excuses so she wouldn’t end up hurt worse than she typically was.
Blake had very much fallen into that vicious cycle that so many who were abused did. Making excuses and hoping to not get hit for not making a fuss.
Wasn’t that always how it was? People looking the other way, people pretending there wasn’t something going on. Yang was convinced they all knew, but they all ignored it. Better to ignore it than to rock the boat. She unclenched her hand and rubbed her palm on her knee. “What finally convinced you to leave?”
“Nothing. He saw my belief in Scientology wavering, so he reported me. I was interrogated for I don’t even know how long. It’s a fucking horrible experience to be audited. They don’t relent. Long story short, I only left because they kicked me out of Scientology and he cut ties with me, as anyone inside Scientology is supposed to do when someone is branded a suppressive person and kicked out of the church.” It was probably a miracle that Blake was as sane as she was with all the shit she’d been put through by Scientology and her ex. She pulled her knees tighter against her chest and rested her chin on them.
“I like how the church mattered more than you, but I think you got the better end of that deal.” Yang wondered if Adam would come find her. She hoped he did; she knew an Assassin.
“That’s how it almost always is. Children stop talking to parents, and vice-versa, if one leaves the church and the other doesn’t. It is how the church works, and I expected it. I knew he wouldn’t leave the church to be with me.” Blake drew in a slow breath. “I’m beyond fucked up and broken, I wouldn’t call that a better end of the deal.” And she well knew her ex would abuse whoever he hooked up with next, and he’d keep doing it.
“He’s not hurting you any more. Not with like fists or anything.” Yang gently brushed some hair away from Blake’s face. “But you’re free now, you’re safe. Maybe some day you’ll actually believe you’re as strong as I know you are.”
"See who I am, Break through the surface. Reach for my hand, Let's show them that we can..Free our minds and find a way. The world is in our hands, This is not the end. Fear is withering the soul. At the point of no return. We must be the change we wish to see."
Yang her her eyes closed as she sang, a little afraid of what expression was on Blake's face. But it really was from the heart. " I'll come into your world,See through your eyes. I'll try to understand, Before we lose what we have. We just can't stop believing. Because we have to try. We can rise above their truth and their lies."
Logically, Blake knew that he wasn’t physically hurting her anymore. But it was a process that she had to work through with Harley’s guidance. And Blake had gotten out of that situation, even if she’d been forced out. She was out of it and could actually heal in time. At least as much as one could heal from that experience.
As Yang sang again, Blake looked at her, tears welling up in her eyes again. She pressed her lips together tightly. It was frightening to her to let someone in, she was afraid to trust because she expected that trust to be broken eventually. But she was also lonely, and wanted friends.
When Yang finished singing, Blake didn’t say anything, didn’t really know what to say, so silence fell for some moments. She sniffed a bit and wiped at her eyes before she found herself singing a response to Yang. “Think of me long enough to make a memory. Come bless the child one more time. I’ve never felt so alone in my life as I drank from a cup which was counting my time. There’s a poison drop in this cup of man. To drink it is to follow the left hand path.”
Several songs played in Yang's head, every one so soul baring as to her feelings for Blake that it left her little uncertainty and a sudden ache of heartbreak. One on particular was on her lips, but she didn't blame Blake. You gave up the fight, you left me behind, but all that's done's forgiven.
She didn't blame Blake, and this wasn't about her or her own struggles and the fears she had about the kind of person she could be. "You live your life. You go day by day. like nothing can go wrong. Then scars are made, They're changing the game. You learn to play it hard. And I know you wish for more, and I know you try. And I hope you realize, you know the time is right."
Yang took Blake's hand, and if Blake would let her she would have embraced her. "The whole world is watching, When you rise. The whole world is beating for you right now. Your whole life is flashing, before your eyes. It's all in this moment that changes all. What are you waiting for? What are you fighting for? Cause time's always slipping away. The whole world is watching. Yeah, the whole world is watching you when you rise."
After a breath, she closed her eyes again, and put her soul into the music. " You build your walls, You break them away, ‘cause that is what it takes. You saved yourself. You found who you are, That never goes away. And I know you wish for more, and I know you try. And now you realize, you know the time is right. What are you waiting for? What are you fighting for? Cause time's always slipping away. The whole world is watching. Yeah, the whole world is watching you when you rise. Your sacrifice goes through your mind, But nothing is wasted you've made it now. You rise again, breaking out. Each step you've taken, you've paid the price. The whole world is watching when you rise.</i>"
As much as Blake may need a hug, she wasn’t quite ready for that kind of contact. At least not right now. She was too raw, feeling this music go through her, and the exchange she and Yang were doing. This last song was something she didn’t know if she could. She wasn’t strong like her dream self. She was just doing what it took to get to tomorrow. She wasn’t fighting for anything, and she had no real identity of herself. That was something she needed to figure out for herself as she tried to move on from all the horrible crap in her life.
Blake drew in a slow breath, keeping hold of Yang’s hand. But apparently she wasn’t done singing yet. She put her own soul into it this time. “Sometimes I feel I don’t have the words. Sometimes I feel I’m not being heard. And then I fear I’m feeling nothing more. Sometimes I feel I don’t want this change. I think we all have to rearrange. And now I feel there’s no one losing more. Seeds of eulogy to sow along with dreams. Fill the need that can leave us grieving alone.”
It was hard, through the emotions and the moment, to make sense of what some of these lyrics meant. They were soul-baring and aching and she couldn't imagine what Adam had done to Blake. Only that he'd hurt her. And her own pain didn't matter. But then to Yang she'd so often put others before herself. "Hands, put your empty hands in mine, And scars, show me all the scars you hide. And hey, if your wings are broken, please take mine so yours can open too, 'Cause I'm gonna stand by you. Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes, And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I, And love, if your wings are broken, borrow mine so yours can open too 'Cause I'm gonna stand by you"
Did Blake want this? Would Blake want her to be there like how Yang wanted to be there for her or would she never accept any help again. "Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through, Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you, Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you."
This was getting so emotionally charged that she really didn’t know how to respond anymore. Blake looked at Yang and sniffed. She didn’t want to read too much into what Yang sang, though that was mostly because she wasn’t certain if Yang meant it literally. And if she did, Blake was definitely not ready to go anywhere near that kind of a relationship with anyone. If Yang was actually interested in her, she’d have to both work at it and have endless patience.
But at the moment, all she could do was burst into tears. She had too many emotions and she couldn’t say anything or sing anything. Right now she just needed to cry. Though she did more than cry, she just sobbed.
Yang’s eyes watered and some tears started to spill down her cheek. She scooted closer to Blake, offering her shoulder if she needed it. She didn’t tell Blake to stop crying, she didn’t tell her it would all be okay. She hummed quietly, singing under her breath. " Let's just live! Day by day and not be conquered by our sorrows, The past can't hold us down. We must break free, Inside we're torn apart but time will mend our hearts. Move onward not there yet. So let's just live!"
Blake just cried it out. Even for all of her outbursts due to her nightmares and the crying she did in her room, she still had a lot to get out. She was in pain, and she definitely needed to open up more. Within reason, of course. She’d never give Ruby details of what she’d been through, but she did need to talk about these things. Harley would probably encourage that. Talking tended to help, as did crying. Releasing the pent up emotions in a healthy manner was a good thing.
When Yang offered her shoulder, it took a bit, but Blake did finally use it. She shifted and leaned into Yang. She needed the shoulder. She just cried and let herself calm down for the time being. She didn’t feel the need to sing anything further currently, and she needed to calm down before she attempted to speak again.
Today was exhausting. The singing was exhausting, and Yang's emotions were both in overdrive and drained dry. Her cheek brushed at the top of Blake's head and she could almost imagine the ears.
A smile ghosted across her face. She kind of felt the need to break the mood or something but thought it might fall flat right now. And she bit her lip before she actually said that out loud.
There were a lot of emotions going around. Blake hadn’t planned on revealing her abusive ex in this fashion, but it was what it was. She couldn’t change that now. Eventually, she calmed down and sniffed a bit.
“Well, I didn’t intend to get all emotional,” she finally said.
“It’s okay,” Yang assured her. “I mean, with me. No judging here.”
She brushed hair out of Blake’s face for the second time that day. “I won’t tell anyone.”
Taking another slow, deep breath, Blake lifted her head and looked at Yang. “Thank you.” She meant it for both the no judging and not telling anyone.
“No problem.” Yang smiled at her. “I’ll be your tear-stained pillows anytime.”
Blake managed to crack a little smile and shook her head. “You’re impossible.” It was teasing. And hey, Yang had finally made Blake crack a smile, even if it was a small one, it was still a smile!