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¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (chakram) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-05-01 00:11:00

I can’t make you believe you’re worth something.
Who: Xena and Callisto
What: Fallout from Callisto being kidnapped by Hydra
When: Mid-April
Where: Their condo
Status: complete
Rating: PG-13




Xena spun her chakram around on the tip of her finger, watching the metal flash in the light. There was a lot going on in her head. Some of it she couldn’t do anything about. Not Livia, not Galadriel. And she sure as hell could use a good lay. But she could at least try to do something about Callisto.

The Chakram flashed again, and she dropped it from one hand to the other. “So do you wanna talk about it? The place. Or Shepard. Either It.”

The chakram spinning was somewhat annoying to Callisto, but that was why she’d moved to stand at the window, opening it and looking out at the view. At the question, she didn’t know which one to choose to talk about. Callisto wasn’t in the mood to put with how Xena would respond to her and Jane’s relationship. But she also didn’t quite want to talk about the facility either. She crossed her arms and shifted her weight from one foot to another.

“When she first began her experiments on me, she showed me a picture of a girl a couple years younger than me. She looked like me, but had obviously had surgery done to repair burns on her face. She said it was Cassandra. My sister.” She glanced back at Xena. “She said my sister was alive and had partial memory loss. I tried not to believe her. I didn’t want to give her something else to hurt me with.”

That wasn’t what Xena had hoped to talk about, but it did pique her interest. She stopped playing with her Chakram, and sat up straighter. “Can’t blame you for not wanting to believe her. But...do you think it might be true?”

A lot could happen in the chaos of a fire.

“Does it matter? If she is alive, she has partial memory loss. It’s probably better that she doesn’t know I’m alive. I don’t want her to know what I’ve become. I’m not the sister she may or may not remember.” Callisto turned back to the window, clamping down on the emotions. It hurt, but she knew if her sister did remember her, she didn’t want to taint her memory with the murderer she’d become.

“Or she’s out there, wondering if you’re alive. We could at least check up on her. See how she’s doing.” Xena knew that feeling well. Maybe not a sister, but her son. The need to make sure he was okay, even if he didn’t even know she existed.

“With luck, she thinks I’m dead.” If it was true, it was something that upset Callisto’s worldview. She’d spent all these years believing her parents and sister were dead, but now her sister might actually be alive. As much as Callisto wanted to see her sister again, she didn’t want her to see what she’d become, what that bitch at the facility had turned her into. She kept her back to Xena and her gaze out the window. She had too many emotions running through her, and she didn’t want to unleash any of them. Mostly, she wanted to cry, but she refused to do so. It would put a damper on her reputation.

“You don’t want to even see if it’s true? Even if she thinks you’re dead, you could at least make sure she’s safe. Especially if Hydra knows where she is. They might decide to retaliate for us busting you out of that place.” Or it could be a trap to lure Callisto back, which was a possibility. But Xena did like springing traps. “At least she’s out there. Alive. Maybe even happy.”

“For all I know, Hydra could’ve already killed her. Besides, it’s probably a trap either way. If I or any of us go poking our noses in, Hydra could be waiting.” Which didn’t actually answer the question Xena had asked. Callisto did want to know if her sister was alive. She wanted to hug her, talk to her, but she knew she couldn’t. She didn’t want Cassandra to know how broken she’d become. Cassandra didn’t deserve that. If she remembered her, she should remember Callisto the way she used to be.

“I like a good trap.” She got up, walking towards Callisto and leaning her hip against the wall near the window. “We should spring it. At least then you’d know she was safe.”

If Xena thought that Callisto should actually talk to her sister, she kept that to herself. That would be something to figure out when or if the time came.

Callisto looked over at Xena, her face unreadable. “She will only be safe if we give her a new identity, move her and her family somewhere far away and never have contact with her. And even then, she probably wouldn’t be completely safe from Hydra.” She turned her gaze back out the window, keeping her arms crossed. She was trying to keep herself emotionally distant from the situation because she didn’t want to get her hopes up that her sister was alive only to find out she wasn’t.

“So what’s stopping us from doing that? At least it’s better than keeping her in danger. I know you wanna give up, so for once in your life, why don’t you at least try.” Trying and failing was better than not trying at all, and there was a damn good chance of success on top of it. “We got resources, the gang has resources. Wouldn’t be the first girl in danger we helped.”

Callisto’s jaw clenched tightly. Was it really worth uprooting her sister’s life completely? She was college age, and having to force her to change schools could be disruptive to her. But she also didn’t want Hydra getting their hands on Cassandra. It was bad enough what they’d done to her. She didn’t want her sister to suffer that.

“Fine. Do it.” Callisto said as she turned and moved away from the window. She wasn’t planning on actually going. Being that close to her sister could be disastrous for them all.

“You want me to do this, alone?” Xena pushed off of the wall and stepped closer to Callisto. “What’s more important, your sister’s life, or whatever you think she thinks of you?”

She’d never thought Callisto worried about what people thought, but even if she wasn’t admitting it it was clear as day she cared how her sister remembered her. And Xena doubted that was entirely for selfless reasons.

“Both of them are important, but I shouldn’t be anywhere near her because if I lose control, she could get hurt. And I’m not going to put that on my shoulders. Not after I killed both of my parents in a parallel universe in the dreams.” And accidentally hurting or even killing her sister in this world would destroy whatever shreds of sanity she had left.

“Won’t let you hurt her,” Xena promised. She put a hand on Callisto’s arm. “We’ll take care of her. Get her set up for life. She won’t ever have to worry about money or having a roof over her head.”

“I still shouldn’t be anywhere near her.” Before, Callisto had been confidant that Xena could actually stop her. Even when she was a god, Xena could still match her blow for blow. At least on a short term scale. But now? Callisto doubted that Xena could actually stand up to her for a prolonged amount of time. She felt the power that ran through her, and she was more than she had been before.

“I still have the dagger,” Xena reminded her. It didn’t matter what Hydra had done to her, that thing could kill gods. “The true meaning of friendship.”

She moved away from the wall, and into the kitchen, thinking about the logistics. First they had to find her. Then they had to find a place to take her. Then they had to convince her.

“Somehow I don’t think that will work. I’m not completely a god again. I’m...something more, and something worse.” Callisto doubted that she was actually able to die now, but she wasn’t about to put it to the test. And she definitely wasn’t going to be the one to talk to her sister and convince her to move. Callisto didn’t want her to know she was involved. Or even alive. It was just better that way.

But now her mind had moved back onto the topic of what had been done to her and she was getting agitated again. She started pacing back and forth, rubbing her hands together as she heard the whispers of the demons in her head.

“Look, I ain’t gonna judge something that you were forced into. Talk to me, Callisto. Talk to me about these demons you talk about in your sleep.”

That made Callisto stop in her tracks, and she looked over at her. “You watch me when I sleep?” Course it was probably just as feasible that Xena overheard her screams and such. Callisto didn’t exactly sleep well when she did sleep.

Xena gave her a look. “Sure, I like to stalk my friends. Especially when it ain’t hard to hear them the next room over.”

Callisto sighed and went back to pacing. “They’re demons. Red eyes, black mist, yadda yadda yadda.” She said as she waved a hand somewhat dismissively. It was difficult to describe the demons beyond that.

“Just demons she says.” Xena rolled her eyes. “Maybe you should talk to one of those magic people. Figure out if there’s a way to banish the demons. Would it hurt to try?”

Maybe keep the power, if Callisto wanted to. Xena didn’t think this was something that being in love could fix. Demons had a way of.. Possessing people.

“I don’t know how else to fucking describe them beyond that.” Callisto shot back. Her hands moved into her hair, messing it up as her anxiety started rising. “They’re always there talking to me and driving me fucking crazy, okay?! I see them all fucking time. Awake, asleep, it doesn’t fucking matter.”

Under some circumstances, Xena would slap Callisto. This wasn’t one of them. Instead, she took Callisto’s hands and brought them down between them. “Look, until we find a way to exorcise them, you’re gonna have to lean on me. And Shepard. I know you hate the idea. I know you hate relying on anyone. But that’s what we’re here for. This isn’t like the dreams where it took fucking divine intervention to stop the hatred. That hatred never existed.”

“And how are you gonna help? The things are in my fucking head. I have powers that I’m sure I don’t even know about. You gonna restrain me like the bitch did? Lock me in a dark cell that I can’t even stand up in?” Callisto pulled her hands out of Xena’s. This right here was exactly why she didn’t want to be anywhere near her sister.

“Does everything have to be a fucking battle with you?!” Xena’s voice rose until she was shouting at Callisto. “I’m not talking about restraining you! Or locking you up! I’m talking about you being an actual fucking human being and letting yourself rely on people! Even if its just us listening.”

“Maybe because there aren’t enough fucking words to describe the shit I see!! Did that ever occur to you?! Some things go beyond fucking description, Xena!” Callisto yelled back. “But you want words? Fine. You were in Hell in the dreams. Imagine that, only worse because you don’t fucking know what’s going to happen, and everything is happening in here.” Callisto tapped her head a couple times. Her eyes were also possibly turning red. “That only scrapes the tip of the fucking iceberg. And no, I’m not a human being. I’m not even a monster. I’m just nothing.”

“You’re not nothing,” Xena insisted. “And if you believe that then they’ve won. Might as well pack a bag and jump into a ditch somewhere, because there ain’t a point to living with that.”

Xena grabbed Callisto’s shoulders. “I can’t make you believe you’re worth something. Nothing I say or do has ever convinced you of that. But I’ve got your back even if you don’t think you deserve it.”

“Having them drill that into my head every waking moment of every day I was in that shithole is not easy to just brush aside.” Especially when it did align with what she’d previously thought of herself before Jane had come into her life and started changing things. Now she was fucked up again.

“At least I know you’ll stab me in the back if that’s the only way to stop me.” Even though Callisto doubted that would actually do anything except annoy her now. She shook her head and the red faded from her eyes. She tried to pull away from Xena, needing some personal space. Jane was the only person who could get in her bubble without her getting uncomfortable about it. It wasn’t anything against Xena, Callisto just needed breathing room.

“Yes, I would.” Sometimes you had to kill people out of love. And Xena did love Callisto, if not in the way that Callisto had wanted. Xena let Callisto go. Even if her judgement on the woman wasn’t always the clearest, as she obviously messed up with her as often as she didn’t, she got the impression letting go was the right idea. “You should talk to Shepard.”

When Xena let go, Callisto immediately moved back to the window, taking in a slow breath. “Jane’s barely holding together as it is right now. I’m not putting this on her now. Besides, she’s taking powerful painkillers. She probably wouldn’t remember half of it and I’d have to repeat it anyways.” It was logical, at least, that Callisto actually let Jane recover first. The woman had been blown up, and nearly died.

Xena gave Callisto an annoyed look, because that logic was sound. Unable to argue with it, she just shrugged. “Long as you do it eventually. Until then, we gotta found you an outlet.”

Something caught her eye, and she decided she knew what that outlet might be. “Okay. We’re gonna go for a ride. A nice long one. I hear Oregon is nice this time of year. We’ll cruise up there, then cruise back down. Just us and the road.”

Callisto knew that even if she didn’t bring it up, Jane would. Jane had said the tables would turn eventually. But that wasn’t going to be all that soon. She drew in a slow breath and let it out, then looked back at Xena. “Alright.” Being on the open road would definitely be a good thing. Callisto didn’t like being inside for too long these days. It made her antsy.

“It’ll be like the old days.” Xena didn’t think it would, but it would be close enough for the two of them. She had a soulmate she’d never met haunting her soul, and Callisto was plagued by near-literal demons.

But maybe they could find some peace on the road.