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Tweak says, "there be humpbacks Cap'n!"

ᴘʀɪɴᴄᴇss ᴏғ ᴘʀᴇsᴛɪᴅɪɢɪᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ (

cigam) wrote in

valarlogs,
@ 2017-03-25 17:19:00

Who: Constantine & Zatanna
What: Zee's been sick for awhile, so she finally gets to the bottom of why
When: Late Saturday
Where: House of Mystery
Rating/Warnings: Lots of hormones, tears, and feels
Status: Complete

From the first instant she felt a sense of nauseated imbalance ricochet up her skeleton, Zatanna knew that something was definitely amiss. There had been an abundance of food for the farm-to-table-dinner at Neal and Emma’s wedding, lots of her favorite things - she loved fresh vegetables and fruits, couldn’t get enough - but the only things she happened to be able to keep down were ginger ale and crackers. It made for a pretty sad time for her, because she wanted to celebrate with her friends and eat cake (that cake looked so good) and yet her stomach wouldn’t allow it. That part of her revolted whenever a forkful of actual sustenance tried to make its way to her mouth.

Beyond that, her breasts were ridiculously sore - chalk it up to her period, maybe, but the thing about it was that the aforementioned period was late. By a few weeks. She knew her own body better than anyone else did though, and so she realized something was happening - she just had this feeling, and the feeling was what led her to run to the drugstore and purchase a home pregnancy test when she returned from the wedding.

John had to help with the transport, on the way back. Zee disliked having to ask, but everything was churning violently in her like an angry sea too much for her to really care about imposing on her partner. He would help, she knew that, she knew she could trust him.

Only she wasn’t sure she could predict what he would do if this test came out positive. Turning the cards wouldn’t help, and that made her sick too. After texting him and asking him to come home, she made herself a cup of ginger tea and sat in the living room. Trying to ignore the grocery bag from the pharmacy with their doom inside of it. Dramatic, yes, but really.

It may just have been John and his normal tendencies to avoid social gatherings on the regular, but since committing himself to Zee there had been no shortages on weddings or things of the sort. Maybe the weather was decent that year, he didn't know, but it had felt like a bloody monthly ritual. At the very least it made her happy to have someone to accompany her, and then there was the free food and liquor.

Oh and people watching. When the night calmed down and you could distinguish the more reformed from the rest, John liked making fun of those who weren't quite holding it together with their alcohol.

Unfortunately his Mistress of Magic hadn’t felt well. So much in fact that she'd left the responsibility of teleporting the guests to him. Which was a large commitment to her friend, and one John known she took seriously, so whatever had made her feel so bad was raising red flags. But as usual, he maintained his poker face and didn't even begrudge offering to fill in. The longer it took her to reach out to him, the more Constantine worried.

But finally the text came, and once the last of the guests were charted, he disappeared from the wedding, figure dissipating and then reappearing within the House of Mystery slowly, nearly like a ghost. “Zee?” He called outif only in concern, but walked at a more steady pace to the couch of the living room, tossing his jacket over the back and slowly shrugging off his vest. Bloody fancy weddings.

“What’s wrong, love? Stomach bug?” He was at her side, cushions sinking in as he put a hand to her forehead. There was a flu going around, it'd taken out nearly half of his students.

“Maybe, but...I don’t know,” Zee admitted, leaning into his touch. She took John’s hand and kissed the palm, holding his in her own for a moment. They’d talked about this, sure, kind of in a ‘well, I’m not pregnant but what if I was, but don’t worry I’m not’ kind of way and it hadn’t gone terribly. However, reality was a lot different than something purely hypothetical.

She’d have to make a doctor’s appointment to be certain. Being certain was important. Even so, she knew she had to say something now since most likely he was worried about what was ailing her - at the very least, Zatanna could assure that she wasn’t afflicted with Asian bird flu or something. “It’s been weeks since my last period, John. Everything is sore and I can’t keep anything down. I think...well, I think I might be pregnant.”

There. Bomb dropped. She’d be ready for when he had a stroke on the sofa in their classically elegant House of Mystery living room.

As harsh as it sounded, Constantine might have preferred the Asian Bird Flu. That was curable. That, was not so incredibly life changing. A stroke hadn't come, not just yet, John still kept her gaze while the rest of the house seemed to tip and tilt on it’s own axis. He blinked a few times to make it go away.

Why was his throat so dry? No big deal, she just thought. No jumping to conclusions.

However the period thing and well…. he wasn't a woman. Zatanna would know her body better than anyone else. He wasn't about to tell her what she felt. Least of all a possibly expectant mother. “You think?” He repeated finally, his hand twitching slightly in hers because he realized he'd gone stiff. “You're sure if you're..that this is the right sick? We should take you to a doctor.”

Was there even a doctor she trusted or that he could trust with her care or such important information?

He hadn’t bolted, so Zatanna took that as a positive sign. Not that she thought John would automatically run for the hills, but she anticipated that the part where he needed some space to drink a whole bottle of medicinal whiskey and smoke a pack of old-fashioned Silk Cuts would be arriving at any second now.

“I do want to go to the doctor,” she insisted, gently squeezing his hand. Fingers of her opposite hand stroked over his wrist, before she let go to nervously twine those fingers in her lap. “And I will, so we can be sure. But I bought one of those home pregnancy tests. I figured I could do it now, and then we’d go from there?”

Maybe she wasn’t pregnant. There could always be a chance that this was all a misunderstanding and she just had some kind of disease that threw off her menstrual cycle for weeks. Right? Perhaps? Probably not.

“Sounds like a good idea.” He agreed, nodding and noticing her own nervous behavior. Taking a deep breath, he nodded again, this time to get a grip and take care of Zatanna. Like he promised. This was much more on her than it was on him. At least for the moment.

John took her hand in both of his, giving a firm squeeze, smoothing his thumbs over her fingers. “And I'll go with you, no matter what the test says, yeah?” He didn't want her to worry about him leaving her alone. He wouldn't do that here. Their other life? Yes. To protect her and the baby from the hell that surrounded his life.

But here, it wasn't all the same. Things were different. There weren't the same obligations or circumstances. Constantine would protect his family above all else. He owed God or the world no favors here.

“You will?” Zatanna’s voice sounded smaller than she wanted it to. But the notion that John would be there with her was comforting - much as she hated to admit it, she was terrified. It’s not like she looked at herself and thought, hey, wouldn’t it be great to be a mother? She was fine with being a godmother, to Lina and Pete’s daughter Amelia, that was plenty satisfying.

Anyway, that aside. She had to take these steps first. To see if this really was something, or if it was some kind of false alarm. “Alright, good. Let me just - “ She pulled in a deep breath, hand to her chest as if to slow her fluttering, hummingbird’s wings heartbeat. Then she got up to retrieve the bag with the test inside (and a chocolate bar, okay, she deserved chocolate - there were plenty of women who bought pregnancy tests and candy in the same day, for sure).

“It’ll be a few minutes. But I’ll let you know as soon as it says something.”

“Course I will,” he said quickly with a frown at the low tone of her voice, how small her demeanor was. They were both in the role of not exactly chasing the ideal of parent. John even less than Zatanna, who had obligated herself in every which other means that meant parenting (the god child), and yet felt she had no motherly instincts. But having and wanting were different.

It was a bloody scary thing. The only thing keeping John composed was ignoring the sourness in his stomach in favor of keeping his attention on Zee. He could freak out alone, internally, as per the usual.

Constantine watched her rise and gather the contents of her bag, blinking through her words, clinging to every passing second because the house was starting to tilt in his line of vision again. Poker face still in check, eyes open and warm, face clean of distress, John sat up on the couch, resting his hands on his knees. He'd find something to do with them in a moment. “I'll be right here, love. Not going anywhere. Call for me if you need.”

Reassurance. Everything was fine.

She’d never done this before, and it was making her feel like her heart was trying to pound its way free - sure, Zatanna heard the drill for other people. Surprise pregnancy tests as a necessity when you weren’t really actively trying, she just never thought this would be her. But when you got down to it, if the test came out positive? She knew what she would do. An unplanned baby wasn’t an unwanted baby, and if she was going to have children of course she’d want that whole life experience to be shared with the person she loved. His child - that had a certain appeal and warmth to it (besides the feverish, frantic panic).

“Okay, I’ll be back,” she nodded, heading off to the bathroom - well, at least she’d drank that ginger tea before. Didn’t have to wait for eons for nature to take its course.

The minutes of waiting for the results to register on this little stick thing felt like an eternity. She imagined it was the same for many others too. Then, when she returned, tears were glistening in her eyes - made the bright cobalt look almost violet, unearthly, as those tears spilled over and she was crying. Maybe from happiness, maybe from sheer unadulterated fear, who knew. It was just a cacophony of emotions and hormones right now.

“I’m sorry,” Zee blubbered, showing John the stick - the lines and the colors which indicated that, yes, her suspicions were confirmed. “I know it’s not what you wanted, ever.”

When she was safely in place of the bathroom to her own space John rose from the couch and walked in one circle, stopping abruptly, trying to figure out what to do. Smoke, he wanted to smoke, and drink as if that would clear his mind, certainly his nerves. Only with all the nerves and fear he saw into Zatanna--even he couldn't rightfully ignore that for his own. She was never afraid, not truly, and he had to keep steady so he could take care of her. No matter the outcome.

So he took the kettle and had himself a cup of tea on his own, making himself to sit and drink it, he had the indomitable will to resist a demon, artifacts, and possession. He could keep himself from cracking under the pressure of fathering a child.

Which all quickly altered when Zee returned in tears. For a second John wasn't sure what to do but he recovered quickly enough to wrap her into his arms. “It's alright, Zee, that has nothing to do with you. That's all..that's all for my own set of shite.” Kissing her hair and petting her back, John leaned back enough so she could see his eyes, so she knew he wasn't spitting words for the fuck of it. “I'm not upset, love. It's fine.” Not with her at least.

Yes. That was going to be the mantra he'd keep telling himself, everything is fine. Working out lovely so far.

“It’s just...it’s...I don’t...” She was hiccuping and trying to get her words in order, but they all kept tumbling out incoherently, like her mouth couldn’t catch up to her mind. Zee also knew she was soaking John’s shirt with her tears, where she rested her face against his shoulder. The scent of him was smoky and woodsy, like the burning of timber, and while normally she didn’t know why he could all but stick pieces of coal in his lungs right now the smell was comforting too. It sunk in on every hair, every clothing fiber, into the skin and she’d honestly be surprised if he gave off the aroma of anything else.

She loosely wrapped her arms around him, hands resting on his back with her fingers clenched there, fistfuls of fabric. “I want to keep it,” she said about the baby - which, wait, how big was it now anyway? Zatanna had no idea the exact date this all happened, but considering how late her period was she had to be about five or six weeks along by now. The doctor could tell her more.

“Will you resent me?” she asked honestly. “Or him, her? That’s what I’m afraid of, that you’d feel like I didn’t give you a choice about being a father.” And she knew he’d be there, that wouldn’t be an issue. But part of her was happy - she hoped that eventually, maybe he could be too.

John let her find her words as they came, holding her tightly, trying to coo her out of the hiccups and nerves enough to speak freely. He'd move her to the couch once she calmed enough but for now he could support the both of them with no problem.

It was just a shirt and she could dig and wet it all she wanted.

There was no surprise to her wanting to keep it, John would never imagine Zatanna to give up her child. She was too loving and in turn had that compassion to give. He was rubbish at the sort. But he couldn't help the small sigh of uncertainty that left his chest, leaning his head against her shoulder briefly.

But he was surprised to hear her ask him such a question, close to anger, lifting his head to frown down at her. He was a rightful bastard in all his lifetimes. But he was not the piece of shit his father was--blaming him for his mother's death only to find she'd died of childbirth complications because he had tried to force a miscarriage on Anne Marie. “It's every bit my fault as well, it's not as though I couldn't have worn a condom. It took two of us. I said I wasn't angry and I meant that...and I would never do that to the kid.”

She had a right to ask, it wasn't as if John was forthcoming with his daddy issues. Even just the thought that he was capable of being the same kind of monster made his blood boil. “I don't feel like you do, I can't know what it's like to have that connection. But I'm not a bloody monster.”

“I know you’re not. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to think - that’s not what I think either. I guess we’re just freaking out a little. Probably more than a little,” Zatanna said, wiping at her eyes (mascara running down, inky rivulets and a puffy, tear-stained face - she must look great) and taking another deep breath to collect herself.

To the couch she went, tugging on John’s hand so he’d join her. It felt like all the air had been let out of her limbs - she just deflated on the cushions, suddenly exhausted. He was keeping himself calm for her sake, but she knew that everything must be a whirlwind in his thoughts right now.

Zee reached out and touched his face, thumb rubbing along his cheekbone. Despite the look of deer in headlights at this whole situation, her gaze was very fond. “I want to keep it because it’s yours - maybe you’ll have that connection too, but just a different kind. It’s half you, which I happen to love about it already no matter what you think.”

He followed her to the couch, thankful to be sitting instead of standing once more. Flustered John may have gotten he didn't care to see Zatanna in such distress. She was just protecting her child. She just loved him and this was important to her. It was fair.

John could only nod to agreeance to both of them freaking out. Just a mild way to put it.

Constantine huffed a weak, incredulous laugh, head shaking against her hand. Of course she did. She saw things that weren't there, or what she hoped were, or was just caught in horse glasses. “You've got shit for taste, Zee.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, exhaling again. “It isn't just that I never had the desire to parent. It's because it'll be half of me is the problem. No one else needs to have this blood. No one deserves to be a Constantine.”

Her fingers moved through his hair, carding gently, and Zatanna’s heart broke a little at hearing those words. No one deserves to be a Constantine. It was just terribly sad - her heart broke for him. Nothing was ever completely perfect all the time, not everything could be joy and laughter. There was pain in the world too, in life, but it seemed like John had shouldered too much of it.

“There’s light in you,” she told him, and she believed that with everything in her - she wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true, and she’d keep insisting on it even if he refused to listen. Someone had to; they had their rough spots but deep down Zee believed it in every life she lived, it was all the same, just a different variation of the theme. “You just need to turn it outward. And I know that back...there? Wherever we dreamed of? We wouldn’t be able to have this.”

For a multitude of reasons, really. Too much war, too much death, too much God and demons and literal trips to Hell and back. She’d be here all day if she listed them all. “But maybe we can have it now.”

“It isn't that, Zee. All my pissing and moaning isn't for how bad I've got it because of the shitty situation I put myself in. I've had no bloody choice. It's in a bloodline--there has always been a constant one. I've seen it in passing time. Maybe not for another few generations, maybe there will, but it isn't anyone deserves the life of. Even if someone has to keep the deities and demons. It's a curse, not a gift, and they expect that from you. There's no running or hiding it.”

She was as closest to the only angel that ever actually served the purpose of the actual name. He knew she meant well, in a way that he didn't rightfully deserve.

The light she saw, well, maybe that was because John was willing to do his job and take the pain and heartache for it. What he wasn't willing to do was push that into anyone else, least of all his child. “I just don't want that for them, or their children, or anyone really. But I guess we can't always get what we want.” He shrugged halfheartedly. “Maybe it's like you said. Here it doesn't matter.”

“It doesn’t matter here, John,” Zatanna believed that too. “Bloodline or no, it’s not the same burdens we have to bear. I know what you went through, I was there. We couldn’t have this - “ She motioned back and forth between them, meaning, her and him and any potential child. “Back in any version of Gotham, not when there’s too much we’re dragged down by. But now, I just don’t see any reason why not.”

Though it would take time to get used to. For it all to sink in. It was like they still had one foot there, and one here - it seemed that way for John. Zee couldn’t really blame him. Becoming a parent was a lot to deal with no matter who you were.

She snuggled up closer and tucked his arm around her, resting her head on his shoulder. “I’ll go to the doctor and you’ll come with me. It’s...we’ll be okay. He or she will be healthy, and the worst they’ll get from you is potentially your nose. I might tell one or two people but otherwise no, not until later. It’s safer then, right?” Less chance of miscarriage, after that twelve-week mark.

She had always been adamant about this world being different. There wasn't much in the way he could argue against that. Hard or confusing it must have been, they were dreaming of other lives instead of reliving them. Even if it felt like they already had. John was desensitized by the things he'd faced in different ways but all hurtful and not anything he'd wish on anyone else.

Thus far it wasn't necessarily the same as the dreams. There were those moments that felt like it, but he was a college professor, living with his girlfriend. Almost the epitome of maybe normal? For two mages anyways.

He settled against her, arm tightening against her side as his hand stroked her gently, his face drooping to touch hers lightly. “We should wait I think. Let's just...one step at a time. Let's see what the doctor says. No need to spread any word on something we're still in the dark about.” Nevermind John not being the type to immediately contact everyone he knew about becoming a father. They were more likely to find out through circumstance. Personal business to him was just that.

“And if you were worried about the nose you should've thought on that before shagging someone from Liverpool.”

Zatanna laughed through her tears, after leaning up a bit to grab a tissue and blow her nose. Then she was right back to where she wanted to be, which was using John as a pillow. “Well, that someone from Liverpool happens to be a pretty good shag, so I couldn’t help myself,” she grinned.

Later, she’d get up and make a doctor’s appointment for as soon as possible. She’d receive instructions and probably get prenatal vitamins and then settle in for a very long eight or so months, but now? Now she just wanted to lie here, rest, and think about eating something other than crackers at some point.

The rest would fall into place.

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