InsaneJournal

Who: Ahsoka and Barriss Raven
What: Catching up
When: Late February
Where: Cafe near UC Irvine
Warnings: Low
Status: Log | Complete

It wasn’t exactly easy getting back into a normal swing of things after losing control, however that was exactly what Raven was doing. Even though she had terrified herself, threw herself into her meditation, she never once let it stop her from living her life. If she had, she probably never would have left the inter-dimension. It was just… dealing with what she’d done even if she couldn’t exactly fault the reasoning.

The wrong thing for the right reason. Always a complicated situation and one she would continue to be better about. Or so the plan went.

Currently, she at one of the cafes near campus drinking some tea as she looked over her planned schedule for the next quarter. It was a supposed break from studying but it was still school related. However, there was also still the frustrating matter of figuring out the situation with moving and how to navigate that as well.

Maybe the inter-dimension wasn’t so bad after all.

Ahsoka was worried about Raven. She’d been more avoidy than was normal, even for her, and Ahsoka still couldn’t wrap her mind out of what had happened at work. Some people barely looked at her, and her boss treated her as though she were some Sith Lord. She wondered if there was a link, and her intuition had rarely been wrong..

Using the Force, she tracked Raven down. To check on her, mostly, and make sure she was okay. She tried to sneak up on her and announced, “Fancy meeting you here.”

The trouble with trying to sneak up on an empath was that empaths could feel the energy and so there was never a true ability to sneak up on her. So Raven instead just quirked a brow at the very unsubtle comment.

“Yes. It’s only one of many cafes near campus.”

She didn’t mind the company. Ahsoka was one of the people she didn’t find completely annoying and she was on the very short list of those she trusted so there was no malice, just her typical deadpan expression. Even if there was the guilt associated with what she had done. But it wasn’t like she could exactly un-do it either.

“I happened to be in the area.” She had no classes today, so it was a bald faced lie but that didn’t matter. Smiling, she sat across from Raven. “And wanted to check in on a friend.”

Yeah, Raven didn’t buy that. It wasn’t even that she knew Ahsoka’s schedule by heart, but it was the fact that she was always aware on some level of her energy signature, which meant she knew that Ahsoka wasn’t in the area typically on these days. No matter, it wasn’t the end of the world. Even if she was tired of lies or people betraying her confidence and telling others about her concerns.

So she nodded some as she mulled over the comment. Check on a friend. Well, she’d been distracted since the moving bombshell, so that did actually add up that she’d been keeping more to herself in the past two weeks.

“Noted.” Well, might as well turn off her laptop for the time being since no real need to look over things at the moment. “How are things going?”

“Pretty good on my end.” Ahsoka replied. “Girlfriend stuff is fine, our roommate dreamed she got a replacement arm, which is… actually really cool. It’s made of some kind of composite metal I’ve never seen before and offers tactile feedback for her while also being very strong. It’s better than the one my -- Anakin had, even.”

“Huh… I wonder how many people in the county have metal arms from the dreams…” After all, Ed had his automail, and it wouldn’t surprise her if there were others who got metal limbs thanks to the dreams. Everything else could cross over. “That’s good to hear though.”

“She’s adjusting really well to it. She was worried, because of how badly losing her arm had affected her.” Ahsoka rested her elbows on the table. “What about you? How are things going with you?”

“Yeah, that makes sense. It’s an adjustment.” Taking a sip of her tea, Raven contemplated the question before shrugging with a sigh. “They’re…. I don’t know.” And she didn’t. What she wouldn’t give to have a definitive answer one way or the other. “Zatanna and Constantine,” Okay so even saying his name made her tense, but whatever, “They found a house from the dreams that they plan to move in to. She asked if I wanted to move in with them or I could have the current house which… I already have a house in my name in New York from my birthday and I’m 18 so taking care of two houses is way too much, and it’s become a mess because I’m apparently doing this all wrong because I’m still thinking about it.”

It was enough to give her a headache, which she’d had since the whole losing control incident.

“And her energy is off and I can’t place why.”

Both of Ahsoka’s glamour eyebrows went up. “Wow. Maybe try to sell the one in New York? I don’t know if there’s any personal attachment to it, which can be difficult.”

She could get the headache though. Even one house felt like too much for Ahsoka, but she didn’t know if that was because staying in one place had been trained out of her by need, or if it was because she was, at times, still almost as young as Raven was. Time was confusing.

“Maybe she’s pregnant. Or replaced by an evil clone, it could go either way you know.”

“She put it in my name for my birthday. It’s where she and my mom and their family would go when they weren’t in the circus…” Not to mention that it gave her a place to escape to when it all got to be too much. Maybe it was the dreams or maybe it was just the city itself, but whenever things were too much in Orange County, she ended up in New York.

It was definitely not just Ahsoka. Raven didn’t understand how people could need more than one home to take care of, or large ones. So this whole thing was a jumbled mess.

The comment on her aunt being pregnant gave her pause. “That or she’s sick and dying and doesn’t know it because of a parasite…. But yeah. Where we are, anything is possible. I’m sure she’d like it. Get to have that next phase of her life, which this moving would do for her and that’s a good thing.”

“You should ask her about it. And if you need help moving, just let me know. I can wrangle up Li and Yang with her new super arm and we’d get it done in no time!” Hopefully Zatanna wasn’t dying, Ahsoka didn’t think Raven would handle that nearly as well as she’d like her to. “Unless you’re not wanting to move.”

“She says she feels fine and looked at me in confusion when I mentioned her energy being off.” Okay. So Raven had basically just blurted it out in confusion before any sort of greeting could be given but it had thrown her. She’d been fine when she’d left the day before then she comes back and weird energy. “I don’t know what I want. I mean…. The selfish part of me wants to stay with her. But the way it sounded… like she was ready to get onto that next phase. Which was hard enough to navigate, let alone the fact that it’s not just moving houses with her but with Constantine as well who just…” Her eyes darkened before she shook her head. “I just don’t know but apparently that’s wrong so who knows.”

Ahsoka tapped her finger on her chin. “Does it feel just...not normal? Sinister? Or like… how when you touch a fabric but it doesn’t feel like it looks it should feel?”

There was a time for selfish, and a time not to be selfish. Ahsoka wasn’t sure which this was. “You want to. And that’s important. And if she asked you, that means she wants you there. People don’t normally offer that sort of thing unless they mean it.”

She noticed the shift in Raven, and frowned. “What’s wrong? Not liking Constantine?”

“Or because you’re an afterthought and they feel they need to ask.” It was hard to explain. But the way it had sounded, it was like Zatanna hadn’t initially thought of her and then Constantine had been worried about her. And while she thought the concern had been about how she would feel about change in the family, given him throwing her concern about her control in her face…. Now she wasn’t so sure. And it was part of why she was so conflicted. It was never going to last, that much was clear, but it still left her feeling like she didn’t belong.

As for the question about Constantine.

“No. Before it was just awkward but that’s normal. Now though… now I don’t trust him or myself around him after he threw the fact that I worry about control in my face for why it should apparently be such an easy decision. And that means that Zatanna implied that I was wrong or upsetting her so he confronts me instead of her asking why it was taking time if that was such a big deal that I was doing exactly what I said I would, and think about the offer.”

Ahsoka thought about that. She could see Raven’s point of view. Even feel it through her emotions, though with Raven that was generally difficult. She was worse than Barriss when it came to holding things in and hiding her feelings. Not that Ahsoka thought Raven had a bad reason for that.

“You’re worrying about your control? What did you tell Zatanna? What offer?”

“I mean, it’s always a concern. It’s never stopped me from anything but I’m aware of that risk. And I just...” It was frustrating and for it to have been used against her like that? Even when his reference to the library was different to how her aunt had explained it to her. Not to mention all the things she could pick up that went unsaid thanks to her empathy. “The offer to move in with them. I haven’t said anything about the conversation, he undoubtedly told her about it when he decided to message me out of nowhere. I was initially just waiting until a dream situation resolved because it was making it complicated but now even once it does I don’t see me ever being comfortable around him and that will upset her.”

“You didn’t need him telling you what you already know,” Ahsoka guessed. It was like how she always had to be wary of the dark side, only taken to an extreme. And she’d been known to lose control once or twice. Only that was more personal consequence than what Raven losing control could be.

Raven was sounding a little disjointed. Less restrained than she usually was, and it worried Ahsoka just a little bit. “Some people just don’t get along, there’s nothing wrong with that.” Constantine seemed like an asshole, and she worried for Zatanna too. Driving families apart wasn’t typically a good sign.


“What’s the dream situation? Anything I can do to help?”

At least Ahsoka seemed to understand that. Though it was more than that. “Well. Yes, which was why I didn’t bother mentioning the dream issue to Zatanna…. Because she would tell me that things are different here than the dreams and all that does is make me frustrated because I already know it’s illogical and having it reaffirmed…” Raven didn’t need the extra reminder that she didn’t respond like most people.

It would have been easier if her lack of trust in Constantine was how it had been before. When it was just the apathetic lack of trust that she had for anyone who wasn’t on her list of people who she did trust. Now it was the constantly tense around him type and that would be bad long term.

“Not really. In the dreams he’s captured me and I’m being held in a mystical seal to contain me which logically is probably the right move but I don’t trust his reasoning. But I could move past that and it would be easier once the situation is resolved. Instead he weaponized my concerns that he shouldn’t even know about against me.” While she was definitely less restrained in what was troubling her, she hadn’t made any glasses explode. That was good at least.

“Illogical or not, that doesn’t change how you feel.” Ahsoka put her hand over Raven’s for a brief moment, before withdrawing it. “So lets spell it out. He thinks you’re a danger. And instead of talking about it like an adult he used that against you.. Do you think Zatanna told him?”

Which sounded like a breach of trust. Were they treating Raven like a time bomb? If so, they were doing a damn good job of setting the fuse. Ahsoka was trying to sort through what Raven was telling her and figure out how much was hurt feelings and how much was what was really going on. She didn’t think Zatanna would normally consider Raven an afterthought, but if her energy was wrong…Ahsoka kept going back to Constantine. She didn’t know him, but she wasn’t sure she trusted him.

“I don’t know how else he’d know about the concern. And it was basically a ‘Well for someone who is so concerned about losing control, you would think this would be an easy choice’ because apparently the house has a really good library, which just sounded like a magic library when Zatanna described it as something that I might like.” Rubbing her temples, Raven then took a sip of tea. “Like I said, it’s a mess. So.. yeah. Sorry.” Because she was aware that she was unloading a lot on Ahsoka that she normally wouldn’t.

"No offense but I don't think I like Constantine very much." And she wanted to smack Zatanna. There were a lot of things Ahsoka would tell Li, but something told to her in confidence wouldn't be something she'd just offhandedly mention. It would have to be something of immediate life or death.

"Don't be sorry. I know keeping it all in is kind of... your thing, but sometimes actually talking about it... is you know, good." Maybe certain things wouldn't have happened in her dreams if people had actually talked. Barriss. Anakin. "Because there's a big difference between controlling your emotions and completely repressing them. The more you repress, the harder it is to maintain control."

Raven just nodded. “Mm.” She knew that was true. And it wasn’t like she was usually this bad about it. Had Zatanna just asked her what was taking so long in her decision process instead of insinuating to Constantine that something was wrong, she would have answered. She wasn’t expressive but she wouldn’t have not answered if asked. “I know. And I know when to ask for help if it is beyond me. Just because I’m...wrong… in how I respond doesn’t mean I don’t know and do that when it is and see the signs.”

It was just seeing the signs. She thought she had caught herself early enough the week before, but she apparently hadn’t. Then again with breaches of trust and being cornered, well. That did have a way of changing things.

Ahsoka smiled at her. "You're a bit of a mess today. But you're not wrong in how you respond. You're you in how you respond. It just took me a few months to figure that out. If you know when to ask for help, then I trust you to do so."

“At least some people get that.” Because really. Half the time it felt like Ahsoka and Ed were the only two who really understood that. Zatanna wanted or expected certain reactions or actions from her, not just with the decision but even in her relationship, she heard how everyone else responded to things or wanted that made Raven feel like she was wrong. But she was usually fine with herself.

“You should sit down and talk to Zatanna. Soon.” Despite her previous words, Ahsoka was still wondering about something. If Raven had really needed help and hadn’t asked for it. Or if it had just been an ‘almost’ thing. It would certainly explain the messiness. “Something weird happened recently, that I can’t help feel is related.”

“So she can act like she understands while with me, only to turn around and talk to Constantine about it and prove she clearly doesn’t or reiterate how I’m being unfair or whatever it is he thinks I am to her?” It didn’t take a genius to put it together, that apparently even though she thought Zatanna understood her, understood that her lack of being expressive didn’t mean she thought poorly of her aunt, that she would answer questions if asked but she didn’t just reveal things or thoughts because she was naturally predisposed to being quiet. Of course then there was the next thing that Ahsoka said and she quirked a brow. “Oh?” Maybe it wasn’t about the creep who’d stalked her and her boss, but she had a feeling it was. And again, she regretted the action but not the reasoning.

“Maybe Zatanna had just wanted to get some extra insight or help? Only he doesn’t sound like the best person to consult.” Ahsoka suggested. “That doesn’t make it right, but it might explain a few things.”

She tapped her fingers on the table. “That creep at work I told you about. He’s kind of….” She waggled her hand, as if that would explain exactly what she was talking about. It was just the timing seemed suspicious and she didn’t want to accuse Raven of anything. “Do you know anything about that?”

“Maybe…” Still, there was that doubt and it was wrapped around her now. Yes, the two were in a relationship, they shared things. However it wasn’t like she would tell Ed anything Zatanna told her in confidence about her worries or concerns and she basically told Ed everything since he was the one she felt most comfortable around.

And then the question.

“Between waking up with with my soul self having been attacked in the dreams, to the conversation and everything that it brought up, it seems it pushed me over the edge. Full blown demon me as a twisted way of trying to protect people I care about.”

Rubbing her eyes she shook her head.

Ahsoka nodded. She could sense that doubt. Even feel it a bit herself. But she also knew that doubt and distrust could ruin good things. “You need to tell her how you feel about this. Calmly, and carefully. And I can be just a phone call away if you need me.”

She settled back in the chair, frowning a bit. She couldn’t exactly approve, even if it was nice to be without harassment. The road to hell and good intentions and all that. She thought of Barriss, so rather than get angry at Raven, she chose compassion instead. Another difference between her and Anakin. “Are you okay now?”

They could, especially when someone had trust issues to begin with. It was a headache and she knew she needed to talk to Zatanna about it, but she couldn’t trust she could stay calm. And she didn’t want to upset her. “I still don’t have an answer though.”

The question actually caught her off guard. It wasn’t the first time she had slipped, but not to this extent and she contemplated the question some before nodding.

“Mostly. I mean, I scared myself out of it, regained control…” But the cruelty of the world seemed even more obvious now, with nothing that seemed to stop it except what she had done. But she didn’t want that to be how she handled things.

“If you ever need a place to stay, there’s room at my place. Li is low-key. Yang..isn’t, but she respects low-key.” Living with a jedi and a musician, one had to respect low-key just to survive. She smiled and joked, “We could use a noise-dampening spell on our bedroom anyway.”

Fear though, fear could be a problem. But fear could also be addressed. “Maybe instead on focusing on being afraid of what you’re capable of, think of the things that make it worth keeping control. Ed, me. Friends and family.”

Raven gave a slow nod. Perhaps that would be the best option at the end of the day. As much as she wouldn’t mind still living with Zatanna, she wasn’t going to get in the way of her living the next stage of her life but she also knew that Constantine would make it impossible for Raven to ever relax no matter how he might try, if he bothered. He clearly had his opinion about her which had to have somehow been picked up from however it was Zatanna talked about her. “I may take you up on that.”

The comment caught Raven off guard.

“I do focus on that. I guess I misspoke. I scared myself and that was what made me realize what had happened and to regain control, that shock. Not like… it’s my driving force or anything.” She was always aware of the danger, but she still lived her life.

"I'll talk to the others, just to make sure they're okay with the idea." Ahsoka didn't think it would be a problem, but the right thing to do was ask.

"That's good. There was someone I dreamed about, who got consumed by the darkness that was all around us. She didn't feel like she could talk to anyone, and if we'd paid more attention..." Ahsoka sighed. "What I'm saying is, you're already moving in the right direction, but it's really easy to become blinded and end up falling. But that's what we're for. To listen, and to help."

“Thank you.” Because the last thing Raven wanted to be was a burden on yet another group of people. She hadn’t really spoke to Li since the whole going blonde thing. Which could be awkward but she didn’t have any of the tense on edge lack of trust there. Just the general neutral lack of trust she had for anyone who wasn’t on her list of trusted people.

And… Ahsoka was talking about Barriss. She supposed it made sense and all she could do was nod slowly.

“It is…. But I know.” Mostly. She’d been so thrown by her soul self being attacked then the unexpected conversation and feeling of being attacked and betrayed that even when she had tried to take herself away from the situation to get ground herself, it had been too late.

Ahsoka touched Raven’s hand again. That quick reassuring then leaving Raven’s personal space thing that she figured was a good balance between her need to touch people and Raven’s need not to be touched. “I’ve got your back. Always.”