Raven loves waffles more than life itself (ofevilsfire) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-02-26 12:13:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, edward elric, rachel roth (raven) |
Who: Ed and Raven
What: Telling Ed about the contingency plan
When: [Backdated] 15 January 2017
Where: House in Brighton Beach
Warnings: Talk of death
Status: Log | Complete
When she had suggested going to New York the day before, it wasn’t like Raven had really planned anything, it had ended up being a play it by ear type situation. And well… it had been really nice to get away. She knew that they would need to go back, they had school after all. But there was still one day left of the weekend, so staying the night it had been after appropriate text messages had been sent. Especially since at some point, Raven knew she’d need to tell Ed before it got too late and she either erased the memories about the artifacts and giving them to Zatanna without telling him, or they became necessary. It just felt like it would be easier to do that here and not in Orange County where there were so many people and all the pressure that they had just escaped.
Which meant that today was the day Raven needed to tell Ed. Which meant that all the fun and just relaxing they’d been able to have the previous day would be ruined. Typical… but just as in the dreams she’d wanted to have the perfect day with her friends before she was doomed to become the portal…. She had wanted to give Ed a perfect day before she had to tell him and then, well, then she would have to see what happened after.
As she often did, Raven was awake before the sun was up and had gone up to the roof to watch the sunrise over the ocean. It was peaceful and she was going to need that peace to stay grounded for what was bound to be an emotional conversation. So for now, it was sitting on the roof, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and watching as the sky grew lighter in color.
Ed wasn’t typically a morning person, he’d have slept even longer if not for the sudden loss of warmth nearby that he’d grown accustomed to. He shifted with an annoyed grumpy noise and sat up. The occasional cuddling wasn’t such a terrible idea after all, and now he wanted it back-but it wasn’t a thing to be accomplished on one's own. It generally required two.
He reached over for his jacket with a small huff and went in search of his elusive girlfriend. There was zero fucking possibility that he was going to tell Riza he’d stayed overnight in the city with her, he’d come up with something else. The whole idea was no pressure. She wasn’t anywhere downstairs and he raised an eyebrow. Where the hell?.If she wasn’t down there maybe she had gone up. He found the stairs that led to the roof and rolled his eyes.
“Don’t you ever sleep in?” He asked as he spotted her sitting there, leaning against the doorway for a moment and watching.
Even before Ed opened the door to the roof and asked the question, Raven was aware of his presence. Empathy and all. Still, she kept her gaze on the horizon for a moment to see just what it was her boyfriend was going to say. Honestly she hadn’t expected him to wake up when she’d gotten up and gone up to the roof as he definitely was able to sleep longer. Raven just found she didn’t sleep much and she liked the peace of early morning.
“Debatable. I like watching the sun rise… it’s peaceful.”
And that was something that was almost always elusive for her thanks to the empathy and always picking up on the feelings and emotions around her. In the early morning hours, there was quiet in a different way than the peace she found in the bustling of the city. Then she looked over her shoulder.
“I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Ed stretched an arm and glanced at the randomly colored sky with a tired look. “If you say so.” He’d always thought the sunrise to be something a little obnoxious. Seeing it usually meant no sleep for him, that he’d gone an entire night with reading or something and wasn’t going to get any sleep. This time however he had slept, and rather well actually for the first time in a while. He wasn’t sure if it was the new location or Raven, but he didn’t really care to dissect it anymore than he already had and just let sleep happen for once.
Wandering toward the edge of the building where he sat down beside her, he yawned a bit and leaned against her. The city was awake still, there were even some people out running that he noticed down a street near by. His only response was to roll his eyes at them. What kind of human decided running at dawn was a good plan? Ed then looked down at his bare feet, he hadn’t decided to put on shoes yet. One metal foot and one flesh. Honestly he wasn’t sure which were his better limbs anymore at this point. He’d gotten kind of used to having both now, he didn’t bother to hide anymore. It was sort of nice.
Well, Ed hadn’t been off when he asked if she ever slept. Even though she did her patrols, she also still would wake before the sun came up to have that moment of peace, when the world was still waking. Oh, there were always some people out, those who were just coming in, or just going out. But it was a stillness, the hope of a new day and what it might bring, no matter how jaded and cynical she was about humanity. It was the paradox that was Raven.
“I never said it was for everyone.”
Absently, Raven watched Ed through the corner of her eye for a moment before returning her attention to the sky. She had long since stopped asking why there was a calm to her when she was around Ed, why half the time when she did portal roulette, she showed up at Ed’s. So the fact she had slept better than usual the night before? Another thing to add to the list of things she wasn’t going to bother to question.
There was no hiding on the roof, not really. Ed was comfortable with his metal limbs and that was good. Raven didn’t feel the need to glamour herself at the moment between the early morning hours, and the fact they were on the roof.
Absently, she took Ed’s hand. Just one more moment of peace before ruined everything.
Ed shrugged at that comment and closed his eyes as Raven watched. He was still groggy. Morning time was not his friend. Coffee wasn’t the thing that woke him up either, it was the thing that tasted like sludge and ought to disappear forever. So he woke up a grumpy person, but Raven’s warmth and touch seemed to make it a little better.
He liked her with or without the glamour. It didn’t matter to him if she wanted to wear it or not. His hair was a mess of blond, ridiculous amounts of unkeptness. It was too early to matter.
Sometimes Raven wondered what it would be like to actually sleep instead of the strange hours she kept, yet that never seemed to be in the cards for her. Only when she was sick did she seem to sleep to after the sun came up. But in the end, it didn’t matter and she was content to sit in silence and watch the sky change colors as people began the daily bustle of their lives.
Eventually though, the sun was up and the moment was gone.
“We can head back inside if you want.”
“Doesn’t matter. Whatever you want.” He was comfortable either way, and easy. These days he rarely did the dramatic thing. He’d already given dramatics too much energy when he was first dragged to Orange County. Things had finally sort of leveled out for him lately, he didn’t expect it all to come to a middle. “It is cold though.” His hand was getting a little stiff, it made it uncomfortable sometimes since metal was attached to those stiff muscles and nerves.
“Part of why I suggested going inside. C’mon.” Standing up, Raven offered a hand to Ed for him to take and once he was up, it was back inside the house where it was warmer. Once it had been decided that they were going to be staying the night before, she had made sure to pick up bagels and cream cheese from Queens. After all, when in New York and she did know which borough had the best bagels, as well as pizza from the night before.
Even if they weren’t going to have said bagels yet, Raven did want to put on some water for tea. Moving to the kitchen, the teen pulled out the kettle, filled it with water and set it to heat up before picking a tea to drink and then just...zoning out. Even though it was more peaceful, she was still dreading the conversation that was to come. Dreading ruining everything. The words were just out of her grasp and so in the down time of waiting for the water to heat up, she was trying to figure them out, staring at nothing in particular.
He stood with her, taking her hand and letting her lead him back in. He might not have minded the cold weather before the metal limbs-but after it just got painful at times. Any extreme weather did. He was secretly glad that Raven agreed to go in. Once they got inside he was able to move his hand a big more and it felt better almost instantly when the warmth touched it.
“I can move right again.” He wiggled his hand and leaned on the small island, watching her make tea. She was quiet, but then again Raven was always quiet. It didn’t necessarily raise any extra worry. He was pretty comfortable with her silence now.
Raven did try to keep tabs on the extreme temperature. Part of the empathy thing, so it wasn’t like she was going to just stay up on the roof if Ed were uncomfortable. The fact that the sun had been fully up and thus specific peace she found in the sunrise gone, it had ended up working out in terms of the timing.
“Mm.”
It was true that Raven was quiet more often than not. Perhaps not so distracted, but quiet. The process of making tea was calming for her, so while she did end up jolting some as she heard the kettle go off, the teen quickly recovered and started about the rest of the tea making process. That done, she handed Ed a mug before staring into her own.
In the beginning of getting his automail he often got sick, but since Raven started keeping track of things weather wise he rarely did anymore. That, and his house had heating and air conditioning now. It helped a ton He raised an eyebrow as he was given a cup of tea and she stared at her own with a strange expression not so generic. One he couldn’t quite identify. Emotions weren’t exactly his strong suit. Example, he still had no idea how to tell Riza he’d spent the night at his girlfriend’s house alone with her in another city on a whim. He had no idea how she’d feel, or how Raven felt just then staring down so focused on that tea.
“Hey. You okay?”
Raven hadn’t really needed to say exactly what was going on, why she’d stayed in New York when she sent the text to Zatanna as her aunt knew what she was dealing with and that she tended to go to New York as a place of familiarity. So saying she was staying there to clear her mind and sort through things? It made sense, and she was keeping her in the loop as she had promised.
The question wasn’t all that unexpected, and it wasn’t like she was going to lie. So she just shrugged at the question. No she wasn’t okay, but she wasn’t completely horrible either. She just...was.
“Not exactly.” Sighing, Raven took a sip of tea. “I’m trying to figure out how to tell you something and you’re not going to like it but it’s important and I’m also going to have to then erase my memory of the conversation, or at least the specific parts of it.”
Words weren’t her strong point. She was quiet. It was partially why it was so complicated on top of the whole issue at hand with the having a plan in place that involved her dying if it came to that.
That caused Ed to raise an eyebrow. “Just say it then.” If it was hard sometimes it was better not to pussyfoot around and figure out what would be the best way to rifle through it later. But of course Ed knew nothing of what she was thinking otherwise he might change his mind after the fact, erase memories? What the hell? How had they gone from cuddles to memory erasing? It was enough to confuse him already, but he said nothing of the confusion.
There was something to be said about just saying the thing that was complicated. But there was also all the issues about their reactions to death, what it meant, the fact it was strategy. Then again, Raven knew she couldn’t put it off given the fact there would be her erasing the memory to keep from sabotaging this if it became necessary. So. Just saying it. Right.
“I received a chest of artifacts that can be used to kill me if I lose control. Zatanna has it hidden and is prepared to use them if necessary.”
Well, he said just say it.
“Wait what?” Okay, bombshell much? Maybe saying it wasn’t the best idea, it caused this not so fun swirly feeling to clog his brain for a moment. “What do you mean lose control? “ He looked her over, she looked like she always did. Maybe a little less happy than the other day-but she still looked like she had control to him. “Zatanna is prepared to what?” A sudden silent anger directed at the woman who was meant to be Raven’s family, how the hell had she accepted something like that? What the hell kind of person could just agree to something so ridiculous? So many questions and no idea how to voice them, so he just glared at the tea she’d made like it was to blame for his sudden confusion. Just say it indeed.
“You know the risk is always there… but less of losing control in a scrambling someone’s brain because they’re really bad way and more…. Dark diva in thigh highs bent on conquering the world for my father way.” The thing she could not, would not, let happen. That much was clear. Raven was always going to worry about it. When the fog had come, she had fought the image of herself as that being. So while she had her control now, she knew that it wasn’t a guarantee. It was a thin line. And Raven picked up on the silent anger towards Zatanna. It had been one of the reasons it had been so hard to figure out who to give the items to in the first place, because even though her aunt was pragmatic enough to understand the risk and know that Raven would never want to become that, there were those complicated feelings about knowing her aunt was also willing and able to kill her, the small voice of doubt saying her aunt would be relieved to do it.
“She’s prepared to stop me no matter the cost.” Which in this case would be her life if the Ramat Stone didn’t work. After all, she had tried to turn the Titans into the Sins with her because they were her true family, those connections existed here only with different people. “If I go full evil mode, then that’s what needs to happen.” Rubbing her eyes, Raven finally took a sip of her tea. “It’s a contingency plan.”
Ed honestly didn’t know what to say, apparently everything was in place so what should he say? For once he was on the silent end of things as he looked away from her down at his own tea numbly. ‘Oh.” How did you come up with words to that? She’d already decided what had to happen, she’d already decided who was involved even if Ed thought it as a shitty idea who was he to say so? “Okay.” There was something cold that had sunk into him that they weren’t normal. They’d probably never get a chance to have that normal life and Ed could only think it was typical. A bit of happiness and then that other feeling he was used to. Everything going to hell at his feet weighing like a ton of bricks.
“I’m sorry…” What else could she say? She made the decision, had known it really was the only one there was. There was always the chance that she wouldn’t die, that it would be there just in case, but she couldn’t leave it to chance. She would never forgive herself. But that didn’t mean she was okay with it. She was so very far from okay with it and she was gripping her mug of tea tightly to try and keep everything in because that was what she was supposed to do. Always keep everything under check, never feel too much because that was the fastest way to lose control.
“I hate this. I hate that I can’t be… I just…”
Well, so much for keeping a hold on her emotions as her mug shattered.
“I’m just sorry.” Her voice was quiet as she stared at the counter. Maybe she should have just gone with the letter plan, but Ed was too important for that even if now she wished she could take it all back so he wouldn’t be upset.
“It’s fine.” It wasn’t fine, but it was decided already. He didn’t like it, and was unlikely to ever just be okay with the idea that Raven’s aunt was ready to kill her if need be-but that’s what she decided needed to happen if such an event were to occur. That’s what she’d come up with. Ed didn’t know how to respond frankly beyond giving a slight disbelieving shake of his head.
“Forget it. Maybe it won’t happen.” Ed had issues though leaving things to chance and hope, especially in his life. Those two descriptors just didn’t like him, so he understood-but it hurt all the same. He winced at the mug and stood, moving to pick up the various pieces of the mug and check on her hands. His own were rough from automail and alchemy, he didn’t have much feeling in the one made of metal. “I know.. All we can do is keep trying for normal I guess.” He really wasn’t feeling normal anymore though, Any sense of that was basically gone-but he was trying to be the more stable of the two.
“Yeah…” And she would forget it, because if she didn’t then the whole contingency plan should the worst happen would fail because she’d just sabotage it. It wasn’t like Raven exactly enjoyed this, but she knew when there were things she could not do herself logistically. If the worst came to be, it meant it was too late for her. And Zatanna had told her that she should tell Ed, but she was questioning if that had been the best decision after all. Too late now, and even once she forgot the specifics, she would know that something was off. Ed was the only one who she felt ever actually saw her, who made her feel normal and she had managed to ruin that.
“Which we can do.” She had to believe that. Through it all, they still found a way that worked for them no matter what other people seemed to think. Perhaps that would be enough.