We're always changing. Scar tissue...builds character.
Who: Shepard and Callisto What: Space Date When: recent Where: The Normandy Status: complete Rating: R
Shepard’s MO at this point was to take someone she liked into space. Friend or lover, it didn’t matter, she liked to impress them and she knew at some point soon leisure activities were going to get curtailed. So she wanted to enjoy it while she could.
She waited for Callisto, smiling to herself. The time in the Mako had been fun. So had shooting things and showing off her biotics and the fact that she’d finally gotten to christian the Mako and wasn’t planning on ever telling Garrus that.
Callisto had almost cancelled, but she didn’t have the energy to go through explaining herself. So she headed over to Shepard’s place, a bit curious as to where they were going to go. Callisto had often looked up at the night sky, but it had been many years since she’d looked at them with wonder. She had lost the desire to see them.
But she found she liked Shepard’s company. She didn’t feel judged or preached to around her. Besides, the biotics were interesting. Pity they hadn’t met while Callisto had still been a god, she could’ve tested those biotics out a bit more. She arrived at the door and knocked, being on time.
“Hey.” Jane pulled the door open and flashed her a grin. “Let me grab my sidearm and then we can get going. I have the shuttle hidden where no one would ever expect it.”
She was light on explanations but she’d been serious about space.
“Should I have brought my gun? Or my sword?” Callisto asked. Suddenly her interest seemed to be piqued more. Was there danger wherever Shepard was taking her? She liked danger and killing things.
“Never know what’ll happen, but I can arm you if you want.” Jane pulled a futuristic pistol out of a holster and held it out, grip first. She didn’t really care if Callisto was armed, she doubted she’d get shot in the back from her or something. Her biotics would protect her from instant harm.
“I’ll drive.”
Callisto took the gun in hand, looking it over curiously. It looked like it could certainly do some damage to anyone not equipped with armor to protect against it. She had to smirk a bit. “Nice gun,” she commented. The Godslayers would be unmatched if they armed themselves with these babies. But she wasn’t going to get ahead of herself.
“After you,” she said. Callisto, after all, had no idea where they were going.
Where they were going was a park a few miles away. Shepard only ran over three trashcans and nearly collided with a milk truck on the way, which was a fairly good record as far as she was concerned. In the park, hidden behind an unused swing set was a Kodiak shuttle. Luckily for most peoples’ lunches, it had an autopilot to the Normandy.
Luckily for her, Callisto didn’t mind the rather bumpy and testing-of-fate drive to the park. Considering her own deathwish, she just took it as it came without flinching or yelling at Shepard to stay in her lane and drive straight. Upon seeing the shuttle, Callisto tilted her head. “Hidden in plain sight, more or less.” She assumed that it had a security system of some sort if someone other than Shepard happened to find it.
“Exactly.” Jane hopped down out of her gigantic SUV, then headed towards the shuttle. It lit up as she approached, and the hatch opened. “Take a seat up front. It won’t be too bumpy unless I put it on manual, but it’s an amazing view on the way up.”
And it was. The shuttle went east, over the Sierras, and then up and up and up until it broke atmo and the earth curved out beneath them as eternity greeted them. Jane never got tired of the sight. Earth was home, but Space… was more home.
Callisto took a seat up front. At first, she wasn’t all that impressed or expecting much. She wasn’t one to admire the view, as it were. However, once they were high enough that the curve of the Earth was visible, Callisto sat up straighter. “Holy shit,” she commented.
Okay, so maybe there was something to people liking being in space. The view was amazing, to say the least. She then looked out at the vastness and it suddenly felt like this was where she should live. She’d wanted oblivion in her dreams, and sometimes here she still desired that. This empty vastness seemed like a void, something that she found very attractive.
The stars weren’t very visible due to the brightness of the sun, but as the Kodiak swung around towards the moon they came into view. Stars didn’t twinkle in the vastness of space. They shone brightly or dimly, like ghosts in the sky.
The shuttle came down towards the moon, crossing in a minute what used to take days, skimming over the surface but not close enough to kick up any dust. Hanging in a beam of light above a ridge on the dark side of the moon was the Normandy. She had the Alliance blue and her hull glimmered in the light and if a spaceship could preen, the Normandy was. The shuttle came into the bay, and powered down.
It was certainly strange to cover the distance between Earth and the moon that quickly. Callisto was fascinated by the way everything looked up here. The stars looked different, and getting so close to the moon was almost unnerving. She had to sit forward once the Kodiak got to the moon, getting a better look at the surface. Then when she saw the ship on the dark side of the moon, she had to chuckle.
“And cleverly hiding your ship on the dark side of the moon.” Callisto wouldn’t quite use the term a kid in a candy store to describe herself now, but she was certainly enjoying this change of scenery.
Callisto was being a kid in a candy store but Shepard wasn’t going to tell her that. She beamed at her, then got out of her seat to show her out. The tour of the cargo bay was quick. Vega’s training area, the shuttle prep area, the weapons. “Do you want to see the EEZO engine, or would you like to see the lounge? Great big windows.”
She’d never really thought about how big a starship was, but now that she was in one, the size was massive. There seemed to be a lot on this ship. “How about the lounge? I’m not overly interested in engines.” For all the bike riding she did, Callisto didn’t quite have a touch with mechanics. She didn’t really like dealing with them or looking at them. Though perhaps later she’d want to see the engine of this ship, see what it took to power such a thing like this.
“Unlike some elevators, this one is pretty fast.” At least it was faster after some upgrades. Jane led her into the elevator, leaning against the wall near enough for their arms to touch. “I want to show you the Commander’s Cabin. It’s really nice.”
But first the lounge. The Earth hung like an ornament in space, visible through the massive windows. Jane walked over to the bar to pour them some drinks. “What’s your poison?”
Callisto paused and eyed the elevator with reservation. Fast or not, it was still an elevator. Despite the rising anxiety in her, she got in. It wasn’t as cramped as some elevators could be, and it was faster, but Callisto still held her breath while on it. She really didn’t like elevators.
However, she was relieved once they stepped out of the elevator and were in the lounge. The large windows with a spacious view helped and she had to stare at the Earth for some moments. She then looked over at the bar, moving closer. “I don’t care, really. I like ‘em strong.”
Jane put her hand on Callisto’s back, trailing her fingers where she knew a tattoo to be. She handed her a drink. “Strong enough to loosen you up, not so strong that you can’t enjoy everything I want to show you. Did you know you share a name with a moon?”
She was enjoying the look on Callisto’s face. And enjoying sharing all this with her.
She shivered a bit at the touch to her back. Shepard clearly liked touching her tattoos, and she found she liked that. Tracing a tattoo was intimate considering tattoos tended to carry deep personal meaning with them. She took the offered drink. “I seem to recall some mention of that from science class, yeah. I remember the teasing from the other kids in my class over it better.”
Luckily for them, that had come before Callisto’s family had died. Otherwise she would’ve started a fight and got herself suspended from school.
It was one of the things that Shepard delighted in. Somewhat selfish, because it felt good and was sexy, but also not. Callisto liked it. It seemed to bring her alive. “We can go take a look at it. I’m sure it’s as beautiful as its namesake.”
That was one of the things that made this whole thing confusing. The coming alive part, the feeling things. It was a sensory overload, and she could tell it could become addicting. As though she weren’t already addicted. “Really? You’re sure of that?” Whether that was said in reference to going to Jupiter or in the statement that she was beautiful was up for debate. Though Callisto meant it in response to both.
“I’m sure of that.” Jane meant it both ways, as well. And she wasn’t calling her beautiful to be condescending or to seduce her.
The best part was the Commander’s cabin had a skylight. Fucking Callisto with Jupiter or Saturn above them was an appealing thought. She picked up her own drink and took a sip. “This stuff was made on the Citadel, a collaboration between Asari wine-makers and a human whiskey company.”
Callisto nodded a little. She was indifferent on whether she was attractive or not, beauty wasn’t something that really registered with her. Taking a sip of the drink, Callisto looked at the liquid in the glass. “That’s an odd combination, yet it works.” It was actually pretty good. Callisto was open-minded on alcohol, and she’d try new things. If she didn’t like them, she wouldn’t order it again. Simple as that. But this? She’d definitely take more of this. “What’s it called?
“Blue Iris.” It sounded romantic and sexy, and it always reminded Shepard of a Krogan and his Asari Paramour. Leaning her head down, she kissed Callisto’s shoulder. “Sometimes I have to remind myself to stay grounded. Or I’ll never go back. Need to stick around anyway, if we want to stop what’s coming.”
“Intriguing name.” Callisto said as she took another drink. She didn’t mind the kiss to her shoulder. The fact she didn’t mind unnerved her a bit, but she kept it silent. “I can see why you would want to stay up here.” It was infinite out there, though Callisto had to say she could certainly adjust to life on a spaceship. At least one that was spacious like this one. “What’s coming?”
“They’re called the Reapers,” Jane said. “Massive creatures that are neither organic or synthetic. Their sole purpose in existing is to eliminate all space-faring species and reset the galactic cycle. They spare those who have yet to reach space.” One species had destroyed all their fledgling space craft in an effort to appease the Reapers, but it hadn’t worked. “They pick one or more species to form the genetic material for their reproduction. They get that material by grinding down millions of people.”
How romantic.
In a normal person’s mind, that was definitely a very bad thing. In Callisto’s? It was an end, oblivion, something she wanted. “So basically they’re like the apocalypse that religious types like to say is about to happen.” She didn’t bat an eyelash at the reaping of human matter. Callisto wasn’t squeamish or anything of the sort.
“Worse. Those they don’t process become mindless shells.” No one really knew if a husk still remembered who they were before. It was a horrid end for anyone, and a depressing thought. “Like biomechanical zombies.”
“Sounds like something Dahak would just love,” Callisto quipped. “I assume it means there’s opportunity to kill shit?” While Callisto could care less if she ended up in jail for murder, she preferred not being locked in a tiny cell. Having an outlet for the homicidal tendencies would be a very good thing.
“Plenty of opportunity to kill shit. Probably…” She tried to figure out how to describe thing. “Things that make ogres look like a child’s toy. And that’s without getting into the Banshees.” Jane could still hear their screams, and she shuddered.
“I think you’ll do just fine.”
“I think I’ll do fine as well. I’m good at killing shit. I was better when I could throw fireballs and such, but I’ll take it.” Callisto eyed Shepard. “So are you the hero in your dreams, fighting against those things?”
“Wasn’t exactly by choice.” Jane stepped away from her, and leaned against the bar. “We found this beacon, it … showed me things. We thought it was something smaller at first. Then the nature of the threat became known, but no one believed me. I felt a lot like Cassandra.”
She knocked back her glass and poured another one. “But that didn’t stop me from trying to do something about it. Enough that the Reapers took a chance to take me out. They succeeded, but a… friend brought me back. That’s where my scars come from. I got rebuilt from near scratch. Back from the dead with a chip on my shoulder..I wouldn’t call myself a hero though. Too many bodies in my wake. Whole planets worth.” She looked in the direction of Earth. “Whatever honor I had bled away a long time ago. But what’s a million souls against a trillion? Someone once said to me, stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask them if honor matters.”
She fell silent. She didn’t expect any comfort from Callisto, but she would always be conflicted about what she’d done to save as many as she could. She'd lost Wrex and Kaidan, most of her crew, Miranda, Jacob, Thane and Zaeed. And eventually more.
One day she’ll try those games and find out if there could have been a different way.
This was where Callisto was deficient. She didn’t really do comfort, but she could understand the body count thing. In a way, anyway. “Anyone who comes back from the dead gets a chip on their shoulder. Sometimes it just gets bigger.” Callisto had one on her shoulder. She took a long drink.
“I’m not gonna say I understand because I don’t, but I know what it is to survive. I know what it’s like to die and come back.” Callisto looked out the window. “Though making sacrifices for the greater good, if you will, sacrifice a few for the many, there is some honor in that. Most people would just save themselves and say screw everyone else.” Callisto would’ve saved herself, for example.
“I thought about it. Taking this ship, and my crew. Disappearing into the ether where the Reapers would never find us. Living out our lives on some planet somewhere while the galaxy burned. But there’s a kind of cowardice in that. I did fantasize about saving my crew though, if not me.” They were what mattered. When the Reapers hit Earth, Jane had accepted that all her wishes would never come true. They’d all die, she’d never get her little blue babies.
“I suppose there is, but some people just aren’t wired for heroics.” She shrugged a shoulder a bit. “Still, there is something about joining forces and fighting something that’s worse.” Callisto had helped Xena fight the crazed Amazon Velasca, and she’d joined to help fight and stop Dahak from entering the world. Of course, her help had come with strings, but it was how she was, and she’d still done her part.
“The enemy you know versus the one you don’t,” Jane replied. She knew strings. The entirety of the Reaper War had been trading favors to build up a fleet to take Earth back. Scratch their backs and they’ll scratch hers.
In the end, Shepard had been the war effort.
“Exactly,” she said. Callisto then walked over to Shepard. “I’m no hero. I’m not even an anti-hero, but whenever those things come, I’ll fight.” And if she died in the process, then at least she’d go out in a blaze of glory. Possibly even literally. But Callisto was a fighter, and she wasn’t the type to go down without a fight.
“Come here, beautiful.” Jane put her drink down and tugged Callisto against her. She smoothed her hair to the side and kissed her. She wondered if Callisto would like to fool around in 0gs.
She kissed Jane back, one arm circling around her back, her other hand tangling into that red hair. It was strange, but Callisto seemed to speak this language better than talking about heroes and such things. Her outlook on life was starkly different from most. She knew the darkest sides of it. She knew what insanity truly was.
“Gonna set the autopilot. And show you my cabin.” Jane broke the kiss, staring into Callisto’s brown eyes. “I think even you might be moved by that view.”
“What kind of being moved are we talking about?” Callisto responded with a smirk, gazing into Jane’s eyes. This was still unnerving to her, and it felt completely unnatural, but Callisto was feeling more comfortable around Jane. That didn’t happen with most other people.
“Space quakes can be a thing.” Jane dropped her hand to Callisto’s cheek and stroked those sharp, sharp cheekbones. She had to fight herself to not kiss her again. “Our solar system is a beautiful place. I like to show special people the stars and moons.”
Callisto wasn’t certain what to make of the special people comment. Clearly Shepard considered her a special person. It made her feel things she hadn’t really felt before, and she didn’t know how to deal with it. “I’m not going to turn down seeing the solar system.” She brushed the fingers of one hand through Jane’s hair before that hand slid over her shoulder and down along her arm.
They could stand here and make-out all day and night, and Shepard wouldn’t mind it. But she picked up a device on the bar and slid it onto her wrist. “We’ll swing by the red planet before going to the outer solar system.”
Being a 90s teenager, she wanted to make a Sailor Senshi joke but didn’t think Callisto would get it.
Shepard was correct, that joke would go over Callisto’s head. She might’ve understood it had her own teenage years gone differently, but as it was, that was not something she would get. “How long does it take to reach Mars from here? And the outer solar system from here?” For whatever reason, Callisto was interested in that. She knew that it took years for satellites to reach other planets in the solar system, so she was curious just how advanced this ship was.
“Mars won’t take long. Jupiter about an hour unless I push it, but we don’t need to push it. Much faster than the tech available today.” Jane’s fingers danced down Callisto’s spine. She always did have a problem when someone could make her head spin the way Callisto could.
Though with her luck it’ll be like Regina all over again.
“Definitely much faster.” It was impressive, really. Callisto shivered again at the fingers along her spine. Her fingertips traced over Jane’s forearm. She couldn’t get enough of touching Jane and being touched by her. She hadn’t realized just how starved for touch she’d been. “I’m sure the sights are impressive, though not quite as impressive as your biceps.”
Callisto was flirting. That was definitely something. But her hand slid up to squeeze Jane’s bicep to emphasize her words.
"What can I say, I like going fast." Jane shivered at Callisto's touch. She wanted to feel their skin together again. Like an addict she craved that touch and needed more and the more she was exposed the more powerful that need was. There weren't too many people who could satisfy that need, and most of those were in another time entirely.
She flexed her biceps for Callisto. "They really are the stars of the galaxy."
“I like fast. Perhaps I should take you for a ride on my bike sometime. Not nearly as fast as a spaceship, but I like to tempt fate with it nonetheless.” Callisto added with a bit of a smirk. Jane wasn’t the only one addicted to the feel of their skin rubbing together. Callisto needed more of that herself, and despite the fact she was becoming more human with each passing day, she still had quite the stamina and enthusiasm.
“I agree. They put all others to shame.” She gave Jane’s bicep another squeeze. Callisto appreciated muscle. She admired strength. Jane had both in spades.
Jane’s hand slid down to Callisto’s butt and squeezed lightly. “Mm. I wonder if I could get my hand down your pants while you drove.”
It would be dangerous but Jane had done sexier in more dangerous moving vehicles. With her other hand she started to pull Callisto’s shirt up, leaning into kiss her again. She had a conundrum, how to relay to Callisto that she already valued her for more than her body, and yet desperately need to remove any and all air between their skin.
“That would depend on what pants I wore,” she responded. Tight leather ones would probably be too difficult, though far hotter if Jane succeeded in that.
Kissing Jane back, she practically plastered her body against the redhead’s. Callisto wasn’t good at conveying things other than violence, but she needed Jane’s closeness. Her own hands wandered down Jane’s back and slipped under her shirt, caressing the skin there. Callisto hadn’t realized just how much she needed someone’s touch until she’d collided with Jane at that bar.
Though it was also frustrating because Jane was on her mind a lot more than she tended to admit, and she felt things she didn’t know how to deal with. At least beyond being with Jane. It was easy when it was just the two of them. They didn’t even need to have sex, she was partial to the tracing of tattoos and scars.
“I think I could manage. Might have to buy you new ones.” It would be a challenge but one that Jane was more than willing to rise to. She shivered at the hands on her back, they were two touch starved people drowning in feeling.
Callisto’s lips were delicious and soft, yet with a hard edge to them. Jane liked to cut herself on them.
Callisto definitely didn’t mind the edges. Bleeding tended to remind her that she was alive, and other than being with Jane like this, pain was all she could really feel. But Jane had stirred something in her, and she felt more alive than she thought anyone ever could when the redhead’s hands were on her.
She lightly raked her nails up Jane’s back as she caught her bottom lip between her teeth and gave it a bite and a tug.
A grunt quickly turned into a groan, and Jane let the kiss deepen and linger while her fingers left bruises in Callisto’s skin. She pulled away, only a little, her voice thick. “Let me show you my cabin.”
Callisto groaned, a shudder running through her as Jane’s fingers left bruises behind. She liked a bit of pain mixed with pleasure. She smirked a bit, her dark eyes now darker. “I like the sound of that,” she responded, her own voice thick.
Without another word, Jane threw Callisto over her shoulder and all but pranced to the elevator. She patted her butt, squeezing it as she waited for it to take them to her cabin. She didn’t put her down until they were inside. “Shower to the right.”
There were the models above her desk, the space hamster, and alien relics and even a burned helmet, on a table near the couch. The most obvious items were the massive fish tank, and the skylight that took up much of the ceiling. Passing serenely above them was Jupiter, the rings barely visible and a moon approaching slowly.
Jane pushed Callisto’s hair aside and kissed the back of her neck. “Not every day you get to see something like that with your name on it.”
Callisto made a noise similar to a squeak, but would never admit to making such a girly sound, as Jane threw her over her shoulder. The change in orientation was enough to make her not focus on the elevator part of the trip to Jane’s quarters. Once she had been put down, Callisto looked around the room.
The models were interesting. The hamster was unexpected, as was the fish tank. But what caught her eye was the skylight and Jupiter. Callisto moved to stand under it as best as she could with the bed there, gazing out at the massive planet and the approaching moon.
“I’ll be damned. Always did wonder why my parents named me after a moon.” Okay so there was also a Callisto in Greek mythology, but Callisto was very far from being a nymph.
Though Jane might think otherwise on that fact.
Jane might have maybe noticed Callisto’s reaction in the elevator earlier, so she was keen on keeping her distracted. She wrapped her arms around Callisto’s waist, kissing the back of her shoulder and looking up with her. “Been through a bit, like you. All the pockmarks. But also beautiful, like you.”
Callisto looked at the moon. She wondered just how much damage it could take. Callisto herself had proven rather durable. The only scar she had was the one over her heart that she’d gotten from her dreams. “It’s strange being compared to a moon,” she commented, trailing her fingers along Jane’s arms as she leaned back against her. Though Jane’s words did bring up memories of her family, but she pushed them aside, refusing to deal with them currently.
Jane kissed her shoulder and neck again, one of her hands wandering across her stomach. Her other hand moved across the flower on her side. She suddenly wanted to show Callisto just how much like a stellar body she could be. “All the wonders of the galaxy I’ve seen and you still top most of them..”
She shivered at the kisses and the hand across her stomach. She closed her eyes for a moment, leaning her head back onto Jane’s shoulder as she reached back and tangled a hand into her red hair. “Most of them?” It certainly wasn’t something she was used to hearing.
“It’s hard to beat the Pillars of Creation up close,” Shepard murmured. “But I’ve seen quasars and alien cliffs suspended over purple rivers, and you’re as beautiful as them.”
Maybe she was laying it on thick, and she didn’t even need to. She was already in Callisto’s pants. But she wanted to. She didn’t get to indulge in this kind of thing as much as she wanted and some part of Shepard firmly believed Callisto needed to and deserved to hear such things about her.
Or maybe it was the drink. She bit, hard enough to mark Callisto’s shoulder.
Most of the “compliments” she’d gotten about her looks had been from drunken men in bars. They tended to get a fist to the face or a knee to the groin in response. But Jane saying them was different. Very different. And Callisto didn’t know how to take it. Though at the bite, she groaned, a shudder running through her. That she knew how to respond to. She turned around in Jane’s arms, looking her in the eye.
“What happens when two suns collide? Because we both can burn as hot as a sun.” And she wanted to burn with Jane, which she said as much with the fiery kiss she laid on her, hands moving to the small of her back and pulling her hips tight against her own.
Whatever answer Jane might have had for Callisto’s question was lost in the flame between them. She groaned into the kiss, tugging and pulling at Callisto’s clothing until they were either removed or ripped. She turned, throwing Callisto onto the bed and then crawling on top of her. She wanted to taste her and touch her, memorize the texture and taste of her skin and her tattooes. She wanted to mark Callisto in ways that would make her hers for days.
Callisto pulled at Jane’s clothing, not caring if it ripped or not in the process of getting it off of her. There was a bit of a laugh when she was tossed on the bed, and she didn’t have long to gaze out of the skylight before Jane was on top of her. She more than welcomed any kind of marking Jane wanted to give her. She wasn’t afraid of pain or blood, and she planned to give it right back to Jane. It was fuel to the fire for her, and she would take as much as Jane was willing to give, and as much as she could take before she needed to rest.
Jane gave and she took and she gave again, taking great pleasure in making Callisto call for god while the moon and the planet rose above them. There might be some irony there, or there might just be something proper about it. Something right.
Sated and exhausted, Jane lay on her stomach, arm looped across Callisto’s stomach as she lazily traced patterns in her skin and occasionally giving a breast a playful squeeze. Her eyes were already heavy, and she fell asleep like that.
There was calling for god, some screams of pleasure, and various other things that were invoked while they took turns giving and taking. There was also some irony and something incredibly sexy about having Jupiter and the moon in view of them. At least in space no one needed to worry about shuttering the windows. No one was around to stare in at them.
Once she was sated and couldn’t move anymore, Callisto just laid there with Jane, lightly tracing her tattoos before she drifted off to sleep. At first it was peaceful rest, but then her subconscious began to wreak havoc on her. She dreamt of the night her family had died. Their screams echoed, and she felt the flames closing in around her.
Callisto woke with a start and with a scream. Disoriented and gripped by panic, she tumbled out of bed as she batted at some unseen force, heart racing. A panic attack set in and her breathing was labored and difficult and there was a pain in her chest as she pulled herself into a ball on the floor as though she were waiting for something to attack her.
Jane was going to make Callisto a cuddle-whore at this rate. Not that she'd mind at all, Jane was one too when her lovers let her.
The panic in bed next to her woke her up instantly. It was still dark in the cabin save the light of the planet. No alarms blared, and Jane listened. She crawled to the edge of the bed and peered over. Quietly, she slipped out of bed and sat next to Callisto. She left a few inches of space between them and put her hand on her shoulder. "You're not there. You're far away from there. You're safe."
Callisto barely reacted to the hand on her shoulder. She was too focused on other things. Her chest was really starting to ache as her breath was hitching. It took some time for her to calm down, but slowly she started to come out of it. She started to calm a bit as the minutes passed, and it was nearly a full ten minutes before she was calm enough to be fully aware of her surroundings and to realize that it was Jane that was beside her and not Xena.
“Fuck,” she cursed breathlessly. Callisto didn’t know what Jane would think of this, of her now. She’d been doing well lately, but it had seemingly come out of nowhere. Perhaps earlier conversation that had reminded her of her family is what had brought it on. Nevertheless, she felt embarrassed that someone else was seeing her like this. It was hard enough when Xena saw it.
“Fuck was last night. Probably a bit later this morning too depending.” Jane offered her a kind smile and leaned back against the bed and pulled her leg up to wrap an arm around her knee. “But I know what it’s like, when things are closing in. Worst part is you never know when it’ll come up.”
Shepard didn’t ask where the PTSD might have come from. It didn’t really matter because it was real no matter what. It only mattered in-so-far as Callisto needed to talk about it.
“I’d been doing so well lately. Sorry for the rude awakening.” Callisto actually apologized. That was something new. Closing her eyes she leaned her head back and took a few slow, deep breaths, trying to shake off the rest of the panic. When she opened her eyes, she was gazing out of the skylight, watching the clouds on Jupiter move. The planet certainly seemed to be in turmoil, much like Callisto. She liked it.
She was silent for a few minutes, just gazing up at Jupiter almost transfixed by it as she calmed down. “My family was killed when I was twelve. Someone set our house on fire. I was the only one pulled out of the house alive. Their screams still echo in my head.”
“It’s okay. Don’t need that much sleep.” Jane assured her. She’d go full on kill-mode if she ever heard the wrong kind of foghorn.
She was silent when Callisto spoke, sharing a pain that Jane knew all too well. Maybe not through fire, but she’d been an orphan too. She searched for what to say, before settling on the simple. “I’m sorry.”
She kept her gaze on Jupiter, studying it as though she were studying the storm that swirled within herself. “As irony would have it, they died the same way my family did in the dream life. Only a warlord had come and my village went up in flames. I was one of only a few to survive that. That warlord just so happens to be my roommate in this life.” Thus the want to kill Xena at times was now clear.
Finally, she lifted her head and looked at Jane. Her features were intriguing in this kind of light. “I swore vengeance in both lives. This is the only one I actually achieved it in.”
“Damn,” Shepard breathed. How did she and Xena still remain friends after something like that? Enemies in one world, friends in another? She couldn’t imagine a world where she got along with the Illusive Man. Luckily, he was dead.
“Revenge is one of those things that works for some people, but not others. Something tells me it worked out pretty good for you.” Unless it hadn’t, but Jane didn’t know how Callisto viewed it. She could only guess from their interactions. She was a lot like Jack, so she could guess.
It definitely wasn’t easy. There’d been some fights, one that had even left a gaping hole in the wall of their condo. Short of that, they could co-exist. Callisto took a deep breath, pushing some hair away from her face.
“Yeah, it did. I made the fucker feel every moment of it.” There was an edge to her voice, and it was one that would always come out when she spoke of her family’s killer. She knew she was no better than him, but she didn’t care. She was what he’d made her into and she owned it. “Does it bother you that I’m a murderer?” Callisto needed to know the answer to that question. Maybe it would help her better sort out her emotions. Maybe not. Either way, she needed to know before whatever this was between them went any further.
“No. My cousin is the idealistic one. And it’s not like my actions haven’t gotten innocent people killed. Or I haven’t shot people while looking them in the eye. Don’t throw stones in glass houses.” She regretted some of it. Jane hadn’t liked Batarians but that colony hadn’t deserved to die. All the other bodies she’d crawled over to defeat the Reapers, too. She still had standards. What Cerberus had turned into, and what Cerberus was had been one bridge too far.
“I’d have done the same thing in your place. Maybe not draw it out but I’ve always been one for instant gratification.”
Callisto eyed Jane, not quite knowing how to process that. She’d thought only other criminals would’ve accepted that about her. Jane wasn’t a criminal. “At least you’re not a bleeding heart that believes in the best in everyone and think people like me can be ‘saved.’ Otherwise I’d probably need to kill you.” It was partially a joke. “Typically I enjoy instant gratification myself, but after eleven years, I wanted to make him feel every bit of my anger and my pain. I wanted to break him, and I did. He kept saying I was no better than him like it was an insult. I know I’m not better than him. I’m just better at actually killing everyone and not leaving someone alive to later come back and bite me in the fucking ass.”
Jane patted the floor next to her, offering Callisto the chance to sit next to her or not. “Different kinds of saving for different people. Most of the time you don’t realize it’s happening until it’s happening. But I don’t think you need saving. Not in the way your friend would like, anyway.”
She ran her fingertips up and down her own leg. “At least you got that much. Did it help?”
“I don’t know if she wants me to reform or what, but I’m not a good person and I never will be. Any chance of me being good died with my family.” Callisto didn’t need saving, not like that. She took another slow breath, then shifted to sit next to her.
“I’m glad he’s dead. Beyond that, it feels no different. My family’s still dead and I’m still here. He should’ve made sure I died in that fire too.”
“Something tells me he probably didn’t care what happened to you. Or your parents.” Jane put her arm around Callisto, pulling her close and turning her head to kiss Callisto’s ear. She nuzzled her nose a little bit. “Do you dwell on it?”
“No, but he got his rocks off around me. The fucker always creeped me out.” She sighed again and closed her eyes. “My family dying? More than I’m willing to admit to.” As for dwelling on how she was still alive, that was nearly constant.
“Ever consider putting them to rest? In your head, and for real. I doubt they ever had a proper burial.” Or cremation as the case might be but Shepard knew well enough that you didn’t need a body to have a burial. It was, after all, mostly for those who were left behind.
“They have graves. I visit at least once a year.” It had been easier lately when she’d been able to teleport. Now it would be a bit of a chore to plan a trip to see them. “Though I should probably stop visiting.” Callisto doubted they wanted her to visit anyway. She wasn’t their relative anymore, she was a monster that just looked like their relative.
“I could tell you that they’d still love you. I’d probably be right. I could tell you they’d be proud of you. That would be lying.” She turned her head, looking Callisto in the eye. “We can’t go back and change what happened. We just have to move on.”
Callisto huffed. “What they loved died along with them. You know I grew up to be the kind of person they always told me to stay away from.” She looked at Jane. “Yeah, that’s what people say. But most people never really move on, do they? No matter what anyone says, no one just moves on from that. You don’t heal. Sure the wound can be cauterized, but the scar remains, the damage is still done. You don’t come back from that.”
"You're the bad girl that they'd warn you away from," Jane commented. "But that makes you hot too." Jane put her hand on Callisto's leg, rubbing it across the sensitive skin of her thigh. She dug her nails in hard enough to get a pain response from Callisto. "But you do come back from that. Not who you were before, but as someone new. We're always changing. Scar tissue...builds character."
Callisto hissed a bit in pain, her leg jerking a little at the sensation. At least she could feel that now. Not that long ago, Jane could’ve shot her or run her through with a sword and she wouldn’t have felt a single thing. “Not everyone changes, though. Some of us are just like me, violent and psychotic, and I’m fine with that. It’s who I am.” And she was giving Jane yet another out if she didn’t want to deal with the violent and psychotic side of her. Callisto wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t want to continue this, but it would still hurt her a bit.
“So you’ve got a lot of character.” Jane replaced the pain with the pleasure of gentle finger strokes, studying Callisto’s skin and the muscles of her leg. She was fascinated by Callisto’s body. The tension in her tendons and the hardness of her muscle and the softness of her sin. Jane brought her hand up to Callisto’s face after a long moment. “Can you say you were the same before your dreams?”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” she responded. Callisto thought of herself as pretty much what you see was what you got, as far as the violence and crazy went. She looked at Jane. “Aside from the dying multiple times, becoming an immortal, then a goddess, then a demon and then an angel, yeah pretty much the same. Maybe slightly crazier now than before, but basically the same.” That was the first time she’d admitted to anyone other than Xena that she’d been turned into both a demon and an angel in her dreams.
“You don’t seem any crazier than some of my friends,” Jane assured her. “But then, half of them are aliens and the other half are space wizards like me.” Jane made a fist, a blue glow surrounding it. “Remind me to tell you about Jack sometime. You and her, you’d get along great”
“Clearly you need saner friends.” Callisto said, looking at Jane’s fist as it glowed blue. “Or we’d just try to kill each other. I don’t get along with people.” Yet so far she’d gotten along with Jane, but perhaps because Callisto was keeping herself in close check, trying not to reveal too much.
“Mm.” Jane grabbed Callisto, meaning to pull her into her lap. She liked Callisto on top of her. “I love the way your skin feels…And you seem to get along just fine with me, beautiful.”
Callisto let herself be pulled onto Jane’s lap, shifting so she was straddling her. She slid her arms around Jane’s neck as she gazed at her. “You aren’t like most people. You don’t annoy me like most others do.” Some people just needed to draw breath to annoy Callisto, after all.
This was a good position. Jane ran her hands up and down Callisto’s legs before resting them on her hips and gazed into Callisto’s eyes. Emerald eyes twinkled. “Glad to know I don’t annoy you that much. Do I annoy you a little? I’ve got to annoy you at least a little.”
She drew in a couple slow breaths. Overall, she felt better now, but she was still a little out of it. But Jane’s touch helped. At the question, Callisto rolled her eyes slightly. “Perhaps a little, yeah. Happy now?” She questioned a little teasingly. She slid a hand along Jane’s shoulder, mostly just reveling in the sense of touch.
“Yeah, I’m real happy now.” Feelings were a dangerous thing, and Shepard wasn’t too far off from that dangerous thing biting her in her ass if she wasn’t careful. Jane teased her fingers up Callisto’s spine, then pulled her in. She didn’t kiss her just yet, savoring the skin contact first.
Feelings were very dangerous, and they weren’t something that Callisto liked dealing with. They were complicated and tended to be a weakness. Yet even with that, she couldn’t stop thinking about Jane, and she couldn’t bring herself to separate herself from the touching. She inhaled as Jane pulled her close, and she closed her eyes. The feeling of their skin pressed together was enough to set her on fire again. She craved the touch, and after some moments, she did lean in to kiss Jane.
Jane needed Callisto to initiate right then. It felt like one of those situations where that mattered. Maybe not to Callisto, but to herself. Like she wanted to be chosen, and like she wanted Callisto to want it. Callisto was vulnerable right now and Jane acknowledged that. It wasn’t the most rational feeling in the world, but it was what she was feeling.
Cupping Callisto’s face, Jane kissed her back.
She was vulnerable, and she didn’t like feeling that way. Callisto didn’t like her demons being presented to others in the way they had here. She was uncertain of whether or not her initiating this mattered, but she wasn’t thinking about that right now. She was thinking about feeling something other than what thinking of her family made her feel.
Her hand came up to Jane’s cheek, thumb stroking over the scar there as she kissed her. She wanted no air between their bodies right now.
Jane didn’t let any air between them, pulling Callisto flush against her as the kiss deepened. The only thing that escaped was a soft, needful moan. Her hand slid between them.
Callisto groaned into Jane’s mouth. Her other hand trailed along Jane’s back, keeping her flush against her. There was a need in her kiss, a need for something more, something she could hold on to, a need that she wasn’t even fully aware of yet.
That need was something that Jane could respond to. As much as she was holding Callisto against her she was also kind of cradling her. Touching her like this (and being touched in return) was a little like a drug. An incredible high and just as addicting.
Shepard was a lonely woman, and a little needy in her own way.
Jane wasn’t the only one who found this addicting. Callisto was already addicted to the touch, to the fire. It made her feel things, but most of all it made her feel alive. And feeling alive was rare for her in the long term. The feel of being alive from a fight tended to die off quickly. But after each encounter with Jane, the feeling lingered on longer. Jane was a drug, and Callisto wanted more of it. Her kiss matched how much she wanted Jane, and her hands now began to wander over Jane’s skin.
Fire burned, but fire could also give life. Through heat, or through burning the chaff and fertilizing the ground. How that translated to the inferno that followed everywhere they touched Jane wouldn’t be able to say, but it was appealing to her. After all, if even a single sprout came from apocalyptic fire, there was hope.
Hope was something Callisto never had nor did she ever put stock in it. She was beyond hope, or so she believed. But fire could certainly give way to new life. After volcanoes erupted and the destruction cooled, life eventually found its way back to the ravaged area. And perhaps Callisto wasn’t as dead inside as she’d once thought, considering she felt more alive with each time she was near Jane.