¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (chakram) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-01-17 15:28:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, callisto, xena |
That’s the most normal thing you’ve ever admitted to
Who: Xena and Callisto
What: Xena apologizes for ribbing Callisto about her love life
When: Recent
Where: their shared condo
status: complete
Rating: PG-13
Callisto was having a hard enough time trying to figure out what the night with Jane meant, she hadn’t needed Xena’s prodding about it and making her feel incredibly self-conscious about her sexuality. As was always the case, Callisto had gotten more and more defensive the more Xena had prodded. Finally it had seemed that Xena had crossed a line and Callisto couldn’t take it anymore. It was hard enough trying to understand her sexuality, which had seemingly taken a hard swing into asexual thanks to her dreams, she didn’t necessarily need the complication of wondering what the hell was between her and Jane, if anything.
Maybe it had simply been all the mistletoe. Perhaps it had pushed them into bed with each other. In which case, she was angry with the stupid plant and she’d burn the next one she saw.
Maybe it had been simple attraction. Which then highly confused Callisto because it brought emotions with it she’d never felt and she was afraid of them.
But of course admitting to fear was something she wasn’t going to do, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to talk to Xena about it because she’d only make her feel horrendously awkward and out of place again. So instead she just sat in her room polishing her sword. Perhaps if she just ignored it, it would go away. Maybe Jane wouldn’t want more, and she could just go back to life as normal.
As normal as life ever got in this god-forsaken place, anyways.
Xena had pushed her too far. And she’d known it. But needling Callisto came so easily. That was in the dreams but even in the waking life she’d always been a little teasing of her. Only this time she’d read the signs and ignored them.
As an apology, she came in with Callisto’s favorite take-out. She even knocked before entering. “Hey.”
The needling was to be expected, but Callisto hadn’t thought that Xena would keep going once it was obvious that enough was enough. It made her far more sensitive about the whole thing, and she was sensitive to begin with about it. At the knock, Callisto glanced up at Xena momentarily before looking back to her sword as she polished it, the blade resting across her crossed legs.
“What?” It was blunt and edgy, Callisto’s defenses already coming out as she expected Xena must be coming back for Round 2.
“I’m sorry.” Xena held out the bag. “Peace offerin’. Figure you deserve it. I was really unfair the other night.” She could offer up a lot of excuses but none of them would really help anything, so she didn’t.
Callisto looked back up at Xena, eyeing her a bit skeptically as she paused in polishing her sword blade. “Yes, you were.” She was grateful for not being bombarded with excuses because it would only make her want to either run the sword in her hand through Xena or fling some pitiful-looking fireball at her. She set the sword and polishing cloth aside and reached out to take the bag of food. It was an odd sensation that she was getting hungry again. Seriously, this slow transition back to being human needed to stop.
Maybe Xena was taking her own frustrations out on Callisto. There was only so much beating someone up could do to make her feel better and emotionless sexcapades hadn't really done it for her either. But she kept all that to herself.
"Do you want to hit me? Right in the jaw. I deserve it."
“I would rather set you on fire, but I’d only managed to singe you at most.” Callisto would miss having those powers. At the very least, the experience had helped her get over the crippling fear of fire she’d had. That wouldn’t stop her from waking up screaming and flashing back to it, but she could at least be around fire without having a panic attack now.
“Your fire is getting a little pathetic ain’t it.” Xena grinned at her, keeping a safe distance. Not that she was afraid, but she wanted to give Callisto some space, physical and mental. “At least the real fire.” She paused, then added. “Do you wanna talk about it. I mean for real. No ribbing, promise.”
“Yeah. It’d be much better if I’d just woken up human one day instead of this fucking gradual return to being human.” Callisto pulled out the food, setting the bag aside as she set the container in her lap and looked at it for some moments. She then looked up at Xena, skepticism in her eyes. “Somehow I doubt that there wouldn’t be any ribbing.” Considering the other night, she wouldn’t put it past Xena to get in a few more ribs here and there.
She was entirely insufferable when she was in the ‘I told you so’ mode. And again Callisto had the urge to set her on fire.
Yeah. Xena was insufferable. She gave Callisto a cheeky grin. “I’m just baffled you met someone who gets your motor running. Figured it was stuck on off 99% of the time. But you’re still thinkin’ about it, aren’t you.”
“That’s because it is stuck in off 99% of the time. And really, it was probably just the fucking magical mistletoe’s fault it even happened anyway.” Callisto was content to blame the mistletoe because it was simpler and far less scary that way. “I am, but not in the way you think I am.” Though Callisto was still thinking about the sex itself, but it wasn’t the only part of it she was still thinking about.
Xena shrugged. "If you're still thinking about it it might not just be the mistletoe." It was probably a little scary for Callisto. Xena had to remind herself Callisto didn't approach things like this like normal people.
Xena needed to approach things a bit more like Callisto. "There's nothing wrong with that. Some people just throw you for a loop."
“It’s me, Xena. I’d still be thinking about it regardless of how it came about.” Callisto sighed. “It’s not that. It’s the fact my sexuality is suddenly front and center. And I don’t mean attraction to genders, I mean the other part, the asexual part of it.” She’d long come to peace with that. It was just the sudden attraction, the sudden flare of a desire for sex that was throwing her off.
She was still going to blame the mistletoe.
"Maybe you're just wired for certain people. There's probably a word for that." Xena was wired vastly different, at least sexually. When it came to loving someone though, she had as hard a hard a time as Callisto. There was probably a word for that too but Xena didn't care enough to look it up.
“Demisexual is the word you’re looking for.” Callisto stated. She’d googled that sort of thing when she’d been trying to figure herself out. “But what happened wasn’t that either. I didn’t have a deep emotional connection to her beforehand.” She shrugged a shoulder. “But it’s probably not going to go anywhere. She’s a Marine and she’s older. I seriously doubt she’ll have the patience to handle my crazy and less-than-legal dealings.” And Callisto wasn’t about to change, and she certainly didn’t expect anyone to change themselves for her.
Did that make Xena demiromantic? She shrugged it off. "Dunno. Might mean something, might mean nothing. Don't you wanna find out?"
Xena leaned against the wall, folding her arms and giving Callisto a considering look. "Cause it sounds like you're maybe thinking you'd be okay if it actually went somewhere."
“I don’t know. I know better than to get involved with people. I don’t even like people. And she’s got that hero streak in her like you do. And we both know I’m so far from a fucking hero.” Was she trying to talk it down to save herself the potential rejection that in her own mind seemed inevitable? Most definitely. She was curious and she kind of wanted to see what happened, but she knew she was nearly impossible to get along with on her best days.
“Can’t say she’s got a hero streak quite like me,” Xena replied. She was motivated by a need to redeem herself, and then eventually because it was the right thing to do. She didn’t know this woman, and couldn’t speak for her. “You don’t like people. But you like her. And me, sometimes.”
“I don’t think anyone has one quite like you. Still, she’s most likely a better person than me.” Most people were better than her, anyways. Callisto knew it and embraced it. She revelled in chaos, in causing pain to others. “And what difference does that make? Liking someone does not stop me from wanting to kill them at some point.” Most people used that as a simple turn of phrase, but Callisto meant it literally. She tended to kill people who annoyed her. Or at least tried to kill them.
Xena shrugged, arms still folded. When Callisto got like this it was next to impossible to argue it. She thought maybe this Shepard woman could do her some good. There was a difference between someone changing you, and wanting to be better for someone.
“That’s the most normal thing you’ve ever admitted to,” Xena said. “Hell, there were times I wanted to kill Gabrielle.”
And that was part of the problem. Callisto didn’t want to change, she accepted herself for who she was and she was fine with that. It was up to other people whether they accepted her or not. So as far as she was concerned, it was up to Jane whether or not she wanted any part of Callisto’s crazy.
“But would you have actually killed Gabrielle? I don’t think you would have. Me, on the other hand, I would. Murder is kinda my thing.” Her impulse control was pretty much non-existent.
“There was that time I threw her off a cliff,” Xena admitted. It sounded flippant and she actually surprised herself that she’d even brought that up. The whole rift with Gabrielle and what had happened with their children had nearly broken her heart.
Callisto eyed Xena. “That must have been in relation to the Hope thing.” Callisto had her part in that whole mess, but it had been Gabrielle who initially created it by not actually killing Hope when she’d had the chance to. Callisto had simply seen an opportunity and had taken it.
“Yeah. That was a big mess.” Xena moved her hand to her hair and ruffled it loosely. At least Solan was alive here. Alive, and safe and never, ever to come to Orange County. He was before Callisto’s time though.
“The dreams in general are just a big fucking mess,” Callisto responded. At least from her point of view they were. She seriously wanted them to just end already. But apparently even dying didn’t stop her from having a continued existence.
Callisto didn’t even have someone she wanted to see from the dreams. Xena had too many people. At this point she’d accept Autoloclyes. Even Salmoneus. Now that was getting desperate. Xena could admit that. She was desperate. And part of her envied Callisto for it. “You ain’t wrong.”
No, Callisto didn’t have anyone from her dreams that she wanted to see. Not even anyone from her army. She genuinely didn’t care, and she definitely didn’t need Theodorous around making puppy eyes at her either. But her position wasn’t one to be envied, it simply reminded her of how alone she was in the dreams, though she was fine with that. She’d always been alone since her family had died.
“So, how about we stop with the sentimental stuff. It won’t get us anywhere good.” Perhaps she was just trying to change the focus from her...whatever it was with Jane. Emotions were messy and scary and she didn’t want to deal with them. She preferred to keep them as far removed from herself as possible.
“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.” What kind of fucked up was the world that Callisto was the one having some kind of emotional relationship crisis and Xena wasn’t seeing anyone? That was ass backwards. “I’ll uh. Let you get to eating.”
Assbackwards indeed. Callisto would’ve put money on the fact Gabrielle would’ve shown up here and hooked up with Xena long before Callisto was given that chance. Hell must have seriously frozen over. Callisto was silent for a moment before looking up at Xena. “Thank you. For the apology. And the food.” She remembered her manners anyway.
There was a good chance that Xena would make a complete ass of herself out of joyous desperation if Gabrielle ever showed up.
She gave Callisto an odd look and if she was closer she would have checked for a fever. “You’re welcome.”
Never look a gift thank you in the mouth. Or something.