Who: Regina & Neal What: Giving Neal some intel about his father, with some surprises When: Tonight Where: Casa de Disney Villains Rating/Warnings: Pretty lowish! Status: Complete!
If only turning back the hands of time was a thing, because Neal wasn’t sure if opening Pandora’s Box when it came to his biological father was a good idea - and yet here he was, receiving the final report compiled by the pirate he wasn’t exactly fond of in another life. But Killian had been extremely helpful here, a world away, and Neal trusted him enough to be Niko’s godfather - so it stood to reason that stalking the sperm donor who stuck around for at least fourteen years before vanishing like a fart in the wind wasn’t such a big deal, right?
In theory, no. But Neal had a feeling that what Killian would find would be more than he’d bargained for, and he was right.
No need to meet at JR Investigations, since Neal brought Niko along for a playdate. Meara was still sort of young for them, but whatever, he had the tiny tot in his lap while Niko amused himself with toys on the living room floor at the Mills-Jones abode. With him, Neal also had a frozen bagel that was Niko’s teething soother of choice, something he could gnaw on that made his flaming, sore gums feel better when the pointy obtrusion poking through soft tissue got to be too much. Right now he was scooching, not really crawling (but close enough), just kind of bumbling along on his belly - his rattle was out of reach, and he needed to get to it. The baby was stubborn enough to figure out a way to actually accomplish the goal, and it was hard to tell which parent he did get that stubbornness from. Maybe both.
“What do you think, Meara?” Neal asked her, as if she could give her opinion on the contents of the folder which sat on the coffee table. “Your mom won’t mind if I raid her liquor cabinet, right?” Or at least eat any fancy chocolates in the house, because shit.
It really all was a necessary evil, she’d insist - finding out about Gold’s whereabouts, perhaps a hint of where he could end up, which they all hoped was always far, far away from their little hellhole of a cozy home. Adding him to the melting pot of fairytale characters would be, well, dangerous, and an eternal headache to deal with, and none of them wanted to deal with a more permanent Dark One lurking around. Regina knew more than most it was always best to give someone a second chance but someone with that curse, who had also squandered every chance at redemption he was given by continuous lies and manipulation?
No. Fuck off, Rumple. Fuck off far away forever.
Christmas decor was still up, a blaze crackling in the fireplace, and the gingerbread whorehouse was there and thankfully not attracting ants. Truth be told the queen had cast a preservative spell over it anyway - it’d last forever, since it was a project Liam had helped with during his short but happy stay with them. Why toss it?
“No need to raid,” she insisted with a chuckle, returning from the kitchen with something alcoholic - coquitos still, since the New Year was fresh and the holidays were only beginning to wind down. Her and Killian had celebrated their engagement with this signature cocktail, too. “Milk for the babies, and milk for the adults, and we’ll both be needed it.”
There was already one thing Killian had slipped to her. A horrendous piece of gossip that was relevant to her and she hadn’t broken it to Neal yet. It was something that needed to be done in person and here he was. “I haven’t gone through it, I didn’t want to know anything before you did, but there’s…one thing I should probably tell you.”
First, she’d get cozy on the floor, padded with blankets and soft toys for the distracted Niko. Neal could hog her daughter for a bit and she’d hog his youngest son; a fair trade.
“Wow, that sounds ominous,” Neal chuckled dryly, but he took the glass of coquito with a thanks - he loved these damn things. It was apparently Puerto Rican eggnog or something, but eggnog tasted like ass and a coquito tasted like Heaven. You couldn’t go wrong when coconut, rum, and sugar all came together in perfect harmony. “But, uh...alright? Go ahead and lead in with that, I guess.”
Niko had finally scooched toward his rattle, but lost interest with that victory and went for Mr. Whoozit instead, fascinated with squeeeeaaaak of the toy. Aw, how fondly Neal remembered the days when the baby had been content with lying there and gazing at his and Emma’s loving, adoring faces. Now Niko actually needed to be entertained, geez. Meara was about at that age too, craving the stimulation as she learned to recognize people and things. He had a rattle for her too, placing it into her hand so she could grab it and shake it, because she was so amazed that she had made that sound.
Trouble always started when a baby began to move too, didn’t it? It was in the horizon for Niko - at least they still had time to baby proof things for Meara. Regina let herself have a couple seconds of utter distraction, encouraging the butterball with baby-talk coos and praises. No one squeaks that thing like you do, Nikolas.
“Sorry,” she finally said, stirring the special kind of eggnog with a cinnamon straw and a sudden look of I hate my fucking luck. Because after these very words she needed to chug the contents of her glass, completely, until there was not a single drop left. “Killian’s big on confidentiality, I don’t know the contents of what he’s gathered because this is about your sperm donor, and it’s personal. Except for the part that’s relevant to me, which involves the fact that…Cora, and he, they had a thing.”
Oh, wait. Let her clarify if that wasn’t obvious enough. Maybe she should have gotten them barf bags too. “A romantic and sexual…thing.”
“Whaaaaaaaaat??” That noise Neal made wasn’t even real. Like, it wasn’t a noise that humans made because it was part yell of horror, part sob, and part Darth Vader noooooooo, just with a different inflection. Maybe it was impressive though, because Niko made a noise after that too - his was merely just baaaaaaaah, however, as he squeezed and flailed with Mr. Whoozit being banged against the floor like the good sport he was. And Meara shook her rattle, as helpful contribution.
Alright, time to focus here. Time to drink, sure, but also focus. Break it down and compartmentalize, he could do this. “Did they...in the dreams?” he asked, because he didn’t actually know anything about Rumple’s sex life, besides he’d been with Belle for awhile. But after he let his son drop through a portal, Neal had no way of sussing out who he put his dick into. “He’s not...he’s...not your - “ Pause to down the coquito; it tasted great but wasn’t strong enough to numb this pain, “...not your father too, is he?”
Oh, please no. This could not be a Star Wars ‘btw, we’re related thing.’ Not like he and Regina had come close to ever making out, but he’d definitely ogled a few times in the past and - just take him now, Lord, he was ready.
“No!” was her very, very abrupt protest, horror etched in every feature of that regal face. “I mean, they did, in the Enchanted Forest but god, no, Neal, we’re not related.” It wasn’t a possibility she wouldn’t have have minded if it wasn’t for the fact that, well, she and Rumple had danced around the taunt of seduction in their past - which was something she was not proud of, but her malignant counterpart thought it sexy in a ‘student seduces teacher’ way.
Ugh. Shudder. Regina took a thirsty gulp from her coquito - barely half a glass left after that. Then she picked up the folder and handed it to him. Go on, Baelfire. “It’s just something Killian found while digging, Cora kept popping up so of course he’d investigate the connection there for my sake. I’m sure we scared her from even stepping foot anywhere near the west coast, anyway.”
It was a happy relief to be assured that fifty percent of her genetic makeup came from one Henry Mills Sr., thank you.
Thank fuck, because Neal did not need that level of complication in his life - not that he’d have a problem being related to Regina but the idea of even being just a little bit more related to her sister who murdered him was just way vomit inducing. “Alright, whew,” he let out a sigh of relief, slumping in his seat a little. “No offense, but - it’s bad enough to know that they did the do in both worlds.” Ew?
And if he had known Regina did the do with his father in that other hellhole? He might need a psychiatrist to write him some meds, no lie. Pass that Prozac. At the very least, he’d severely question her judgment.
Then, he picked up the folder to open it and have a look-through. At first it seemed like what he’d prepared himself for - there was some nonsense where the man had to fake his death when Neal was fourteen, in order to get away from the loan sharks he owed money to (financing that pawn shop wasn’t cheap, contrary to popular belief) and then ultimately notice that after suffering from a heart attack (something that had nearly killed Rumple in the dreams too, but he stealthily dodged that bullet when Emma absorbed the darkness into herself) he’d tried for about five minutes to get his life together in some ‘second chance’ thing, and remarried. To a younger woman, a librarian (of course), but that wasn’t meant to be since they’d divorced and now the old man had exiled himself overseas to Scotland. He had a different name there, a whole different story, and Neal thought it best to leave well enough alone. Maybe.
And then the kicker of this whole thing. “I have...a brother,” he stated, surprise in his tone. “Named Gideon.”
Not surprising. Long lost siblings, it seemed like the trend lately - that, increased pregnancies with terrible naming decisions. Regina’s stare was pinned on him throughout his processing of contents, curious but respectful. Her hands occupied themselves with Niko, anyway, rubbing those chunky baby knuckles and letting his spit-covered fingers tightly wind around hers.
“You do have a sibling coming along,” she reminded, wincing a bit. “Family relations tend to mirror in some way most of the time - I take it he and his new baby mama aren’t on good terms?” Belle, most likely, and she and Rumple were a goddamn trainwreck to begin with. At least she wisened up even if the crippled imp showed no signs of backing down. Talk about toxic, and exceedingly abusive.
Regina also had an inkling of where this was going. Sibling ties, they were strong the moment you find out about them. Despite everything Zelena had done she still felt the need to know about her older, estranged sister. Killian would have done the same if Kenzi hadn’t casually walked up to his door that fateful Thanksgiving and he found about her in some other way.
“Not good terms, no,” Neal shook his head. “They’re divorced, according to the report,” he tapped his fingers on the papers which held so much information. Shit he couldn’t even fathom. And damn, Killian was good at his job - because he’d dug deep, and filled in all the holes that were missing. Things that Neal hadn’t known for like, entire decades.
Except he still wasn’t sure what to do with all of this. That wasn’t a question that the PI could answer - it was just their job to get the info. No matter how biased he was about an irrational hatred for this world’s version of Rumple.
Sighing, he glanced down at his empty coquito glass. “He was married to a librarian, after this fake death thing he had to pull because loan sharks were after him - that was why he basically left me to fend for myself. But his attempt to live a normal life I guess didn’t last, because he’s fucked off overseas now and obviously made no effort to find me. I don’t know about Gideon.” Neal shuffled through the papers again, but there wasn’t just much about the second son. Just the bare essentials. “I have contact info for him but I’m not sure it’s a good idea.”
Even if he was curious about where Gideon had ended up, and what he was doing now. “What’s he like in the dreams?” Neal asked, since it wasn’t like he’d ever know.
Divorced, of course, but it was best for the bookworm. It was good to learn about Gold’s whereabouts, though - she was sure Killian would check up on him every now again, similarly to Zelena and Cora, making sure they remained away or to at least let them know when one of them was approaching a touch too close.
Regina drew in air, then sighed. “Unborn at the moment,” she explained. “Belle and Gold are having some very blatant disagreements - or more like she’s done with his bullshit, and he thinks because she’s expecting his second born he can control her.” Seemed like someone was always pregnant in Storybrooke, and she hoped this pregnancy wasn’t anything as ridiculous as er sister’s but there was still time for something uncomfortable to happen.
There was also the fact that the dreams came in the form of a migraine-inducing mess, more so than usual - seeing things from her eyes and the evil queen’s. It’d been such a long time since that surge of hellfire vengeance rose and there it was, separated from the whole, pure and unrelenting and dangerous all because Snow and Emma were too afraid of any mayhem that could arise from her broken heart.
“It’ll be a battle, and Belle’s doing the right thing by not wanting him near her son, but he thinks this one is going to help fix with what...happened. With you.”
Neal made a disgusted sort of noise. He shouldn’t expect anything different from his father, in either world. It was just one big disappointment after another, falling down the domino chain. The man was never going to change - and he’d run out of chances by this point.
“Nothing can fix that. I mean, it was his decision to drop me through a portal. Then my decision later to bring him back after the one selfless thing he did all because I was desperate to get to my family,” he shook his head. “I never should have done that. But I guess it doesn’t matter now.”
Reaching for the plastic baggie he’d brought, he opened it and gave Niko the frozen bagel for him to gnaw on because he was looking a little fussy. The baby liked drooling on his dad’s fingers too, he was like a puppy, but Neal was busy with his hands full since he still had Meara. She was adorable, bows and baby fuzz and sweetly scented, and he completely thought of her as Regina’s child. Zelena didn’t even enter his mind’s eye. Thank fuck.
“Anyway, I don’t know. If my brother is as messed up as I am, from having a dad like ours, maybe I should just leave him be.”
Don’t worry, Baelfire, she’d help with baby Niko too - this time by picking him up some, and letting him get situated on her lap while he drooled all over his edible teething device. Her clothing was carefully chosen to withstand the casualties of child rearing. “Neal, trust me, you’d regret that,” Regina said, brow lifting. “Blood calls blood whether we want it to or not, it’s in our nature. Whether or not you want a relationship with him is entirely up to you, but you should at least see how he’s doing.”
It’s why she made sure to keep tabs on Zelena. It was difficult to think of having a relationship with her; it didn’t last long in Storybrooke, really, not with Regina holding her responsible for what happened to Robin. It pleased her to know that her otherself, the one split into two, wasn’t going to be as forgiving as originally assumed. There was too much damage that had been done and if her sister wanted redemption, fine, but she wasn’t going to get a pat on the back for making one or two decent decisions in her entire damn existence.
But Neal at least had more of a clean slate with his brother here - there was too much baggage holding the queen back from making a personal connection with the Wicked Witch. “Approach it with an open mind. It could be a good thing. Don’t deny yourself that.”
Mostly Neal was just worried that his brother (he had a brother, how fucked up was that? He’d gone over thirty years thinking he was an only child) wouldn’t want anyone checking in on him - similar to how Neal had been in the dreams, after he made it on his own. He’d established a fake identity for himself in New York, did whatever he had to do to survive, and the last thing he wanted was any family from the past to come knocking at his apartment door.
Or breaking in, as the case was. But that had led to Emma and Henry, so he supposed it wasn’t all bad.
“Yeah, I guess - we’ll see. I’ll let you know if I decide to make a phone call, at least,” he murmured thoughtfully, bouncing the baby a little on his knee. Meara was so cute when she giggled - then again, who didn’t love little cherub giggles. “It’s good to know what happened to my dad though. I don’t have to wonder anymore. Or invite him to the wedding.”
The news about Cora, not so good to know - but as long as she stayed away and so did Neal’s old man, he didn’t care what they did with their genitals. Ugh.
Regina would, in all honestly, prefer that their parents not meet in secret to bump uglies again - but at least she was certain Cora’s reproductive plumbing wasn’t functional anymore, so the chance of being awkwardly related in some twisted, Storybrooke-fashioned way was minimal. Ugh.
A barf bag, why did she not bring one again?
“Welcome to the estranged sibling club,” she chuckled. “It can be confusing, and I only hope you have an easier go at it. If I end up dreaming more of what happens to him I’ll let you know. Your father’s being a stubborn old man, he refuses to see how fucking awful he’d be for this son too, but I don’t doubt we’ll all help Belle to make sure he stays the hell away from her and him.
It seemed like something the ‘good guys’ would do anyway. If Storybrooke could stop having complicated pregnancies, though, that’d be a step in the right direction. “And you can always help make sure he stays far, far away from him here too.” Neal could be there for him at a distance if need be - that’s how she was with Zelena, but in that case the distance was necessary. Very much so.
“Hm, I guess I can look after him from a distance. Not like our own dad is doing that,” Neal shrugged. He was pretty sure the guy would win a ‘Worst Parenting’ award. Maybe even be tied with Cora, or Killian’s dad. No wonder they were all so messed up. “When is he not being a stubborn old man?”
Rhetorical question. Anyway. Meara cooed and giggled some more, with Neal picking her up and giving her a cheek raspberry - he just loved how babies were amused by farting sounds, don’t judge him. “Oh, but besides all this - I meant to say congrats on the engagement. Em and I are still eking through the planning, but I’m sure you’ve totally got this. Even so, if I can help, you just tell me where you need grunt work done.”
Niko seemed content where he was, cuddled up against a warm body with something to help the ache of his gums, nomnomnom. Regina was smoothing out that fuzz of hair, hoping to also soothe him. “We’re doing it on the Roger, when the weather’s much nicer anyway - it’ll be easy for us, but we’ll let you know when big things need to be moved around.” There was a smile she wore, radiant at the idea of becoming hitched to Captain Hook. Doubts about this didn’t exist. It all felt right, like this was where they were meant to be. “It shouldn’t be anything complicated, but don’t you two have a wedding planner?”
Personally, she was far too controlling to let anyone take the reigns on her and Killian’s day - she and her pirate could handle it their way, even with the challenges of parenting. “How’s that going for you?”
Blowing spit bubbles bubbles and shoving a frozen bagel into his gaping maw, drooling on it and rubbing the ice cold relief on his gums - yeah, Niko was a happy camper. Well, far less fussy, anyway. Neal thought he resembled Emma more and more everyday; his hair was lightening up and so were his eyes. Pretty soon he’d probably be ash-blonde, that would fall out too, and likely grow back into something dirty blonde. Either way, Neal was expecting him to resemble the Charming side more than his, which he was cool with. He could still see similarities shared with Henry too.
“Apparently we do,” he shrugged good-naturedly. “It’s going fine. I guess she just suggests things, and we say yay or nay. I’m not really sure how it works.” It hadn’t been his idea, and if he were being honest he thought it would have been fine for he and Emma to handle the planning on their own, but if she wanted to have the benefit of a planner and also give Caroline the experience then he’d go along with it.
“A lot of it is going to be taken care of by the venue anyway. Like the food and stuff. Getting people there will be a challenge. I think Emma is going to ask teleporting friends to help.” Of course they’d pick a wedding destination across the country, but Tallahassee was important to them.
That’s what a wedding was supposed to be about anyway, wasn’t it? About the ones getting married - and if the destination was of importance, then those who loved them would find a way to be there. “I’ve got the Apprentice’s Wand, too, and we all know how good at long range transportation that is,” Regina smirked. Might as well get some use out of it if they weren’t hopping realms. “It’s been a long time coming for you two, it’ll be nice to see you two tie the knot in this world.”
And not have Neal dead, nor Emma making eyes at Killian. What a nice life.
There was a small oof as Regina picked up the impressive weight that was Nikolas, and stood. “And to see this chunk of a little man in some kind of little tuxedo, how adorable would he look in a bowtie?” Such a sophisticated butterball. Babies just had the ability to reduce her to cuddles and coos, and she had to nuzzle his drooly cheek.
“Hey, as long as we don’t end up in Oz or something? Fine with me. Right, Meara?” he asked the baby, who grinned at him - using all her smiling muscles. Good job! “Niko in a tux would be ridiculously adorable. Though he hates having his sausage feet stuffed in shoes, so we might have to forego those.” Even now he was barefoot, just the way the bohemian chunker liked it.
How far they’d come - he had to think back to when he first met Regina, and bought her a bottle of whiskey to deal with all this crap. Things had changed, Neal thought, and definitely for the better. Hard to consider what all they’d been through too - and it was a lot. “Well, now that I downed my coquito like a shot, any chance for another? That can actually be savored this time,” he smiled sheepishly.
Squished sausage feet. Regina could melt at the image of it - Meara wasn’t quite on the chunky side, so she’d have to get her fill from the second Cassidy-Swan spawn. “I can spare another,” she winked, handing the chubster over to entrap him with both babies. A kiss was delivered to Meara’s head too, with a stroke to her rosebud cheeks. “You’ve got baby duty while I mix them up, then, and that includes dual diaper duty.”
Coquitos were something to definitely enjoy. Neal could use a little unwinding after the news delivered, and she’d be happy to oblige - they were family, after all.