Thalia Grace (wasatree) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-01-07 22:03:00 |
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For whatever reason, it seemed like his dreams had been on fast forward this month. Like they were hellbent on ruining his holidays and his relationship with Thalia. He felt sick the more he saw and he'd hidden the Master Bolt and the Helm of Darkness in the back of his closet. He just needed to talk to Thalia and make sure she was okay. He walked out of his room, heading to find Thalia. He had to find her and explain. That wasn’t him. It couldn’t have been. But yet it was. He just needed to know that no matter what happened in the dreams, she didn’t change her mind about them. “Thalia?” He looked around as he tried to find her. “Thalia, are you here?” *** “Yeah.” The reply was small, quiet - very unlike the exuberant, passionate woman whose personality far exceeded her small size. Thalia was curled up in the corner of her room, the lights still turned off. She squinted and shied away when the light from the hallway came into the darkness of the room, and she felt a wave of nausea hit her when she saw Luke’s silhouette in the doorway. She’d just woken up from her own dream, one where she’d fought him with tears in her eyes and rage and betrayal in her heart. She could still hear the clang of sword against spear in her head, and no matter how hard she pressed her hands against her ears, she couldn’t get away from it. Realizing he was still waiting, she forced words out from her parched throat. “Not a good time right now.” She couldn’t look at him. Not right now, when her feelings were still so raw. *** Luke frowned when he heard her response. She was almost always the loud one in the house. So when she wasn’t, it was concerning. Which probably meant that something was wrong. So he needed to see her even more at that moment. Judging by where she was and how she reacted when he opened the door, Luke wondered if it wasn’t a migraine or something. Though, when he really thought about it, it probably had something to do with her dreams, with the ones they shared. He stepped inside before she spoke again. “Oh. Are you...not feeling well? Is there something I can do? Do you need something to drink?” He wanted to talk to her about the dreams, he did, but he wanted to make sure that she was okay first, that they were okay. *** He was being so sweet and so concerned, so different from the angry, vicious man she’d just battled in her dreams, it gave her a headache. Thalia knew that real Luke and dream Luke were two very different people, and that real Luke would never, ever threaten to kill another person, or poison a tree, pick up a weapon against her, but having been jolted out of that horrible nightmare, Thalia needed time and space to separate the two in her mind. “Bad dream. I just…” Part of her wanted him to come in and hold her tight so she could be assured that he wasn’t evil and awful, but she was too overwhelmed to ask for it at the moment. So she just waved her hand vaguely, hoping he’d leave and give her time to collect herself. “Just need a minute. Don’t come in, k?” *** Luke felt a tightness form in his chest. It was a bad dream that she didn’t want him to come in and sit with her for. They’d been through all of this together. “Oh.” He nodded and stepped out of the room, shutting the door. It was snowing out and he knew there’d been a call for more snow before it all finished, but he needed air and he couldn’t stay in their place knowing that whatever the dream had been about was probably him. So he grabbed his jacket and left. He didn’t leave a note to say where he was going and he didn’t think to take his phone with him. If he’d been focused on anything other than Thalia not wanting to be around him, he might have thought to take his time and make sure that he had everything that he needed. *** It took another half hour for Thalia to disentangle herself from the memories of her dreams to feel like she could face Luke without falling apart. But when she went out of her room, she couldn’t find him anywhere in the apartment. Annabeth was still asleep; she wouldn’t have seen where Luke had gone. And when Thalia tried to call his cell, she heard it ringing in the living room. Concerned now, she quickly changed, grabbed her coat and phone, and plunged into the night. It was cold out, much colder than the O.C. ought to be. Whatever was controlling the dreams also seemed to have control over the weather. She moved ahead anyway. In hindsight, it was probably not the best course of action. It was dark; the streets were empty; and she had no idea where he’d gone. He could’ve very well just gotten hungry and went to a bodega to grab a snack - but given their last encounter where he’d come looking for her and she’d told him to go away, Thalia doubted the reason for his absence was so mundane. She didn’t even know where he had gone, but somehow, she ended up turning a corner and saw him trudging away. “Luke!” she called, hurrying up her steps. Although she was wearing a coat, she was already cold. She could see now that he didn’t even have a coat; he must be freezing. “Luke, wait up!” *** Luke really should have thought about his choices, but he’d wandered for a while in the cold and his arms felt a little numb now. Also he didn’t have a phone to call a cab with. He really should have taken a coat instead of the thin jacket that had been right in his line of vision. It was freezing outside, something that was more likely to happen in Connecticut than it was in the OC. He’d been in a few other places that were even worse than this. But he was freezing. He’d intended to find somewhere to stay, but the moment that he heard Thalia’s voice, he stopped walking. He turned around to look at her, arms folded. “Th-thalia? Wh-what a-are y-you doing?” Fuck, he was cold. “I-I th-thought you d-didn’t want to see me…” *** “Not right then, you idiot.” There was no heat to her response, though; only concern. How long had he been out here like this? His lips were turning positively blue, and she was worried he could be coming down with hypothermia or something. At least he was still shivering. That was good, right? Or was that bad? Either way, she needed to get him somewhere warm. She wrapped her arm around him, hoping to give him some of her warmth, but all she managed to do was make herself colder. It was like he sucked the heat right out of her without being able to use it himself. “Oh gods. Brr. Let’s get inside somewhere.” Seeing him so miserable and cold, she wondered how she could have had trouble distinguishing real Luke from dream Luke. Real Luke didn’t have the capacity of such rage and hatred in him that dream Luke did. Of course, he’d hadn’t gone through such horrific trauma, but Thalia couldn't see him poisoning anything in revenge, or striking a bargain with an evil monster just to hurt his father. *** Luke looked at her with a small amount of confusion. How could she want to be around him when he was the one that poisoned her tree and betrayed everyone that ever mattered to him. How could she even want to be around him? He didn’t even want to be around himself and he had no escape. But still, for some reason, she wrapped her arm around him and tried to make him feel a little warmer. He gave her an apologetic look. “S-so-sorry. I w-wasn’t thinking.” If that wasn’t incredibly obvious. He wasn’t sure what was open outside of a few diners. Then again, who needed a place to be unlocked when he could unlock it with his mind. Of course, he didn’t have the code for any alarm systems. Maybe he could mess with that, too. Still, he led his way to one of the diners that was opened 24 hour just to get themselves out of the cold. “I’m...s-sorry. Dreams. I-I did it.” *** A wave of warm air hit Thalia in the face, but she was still cold from being outside. She had no idea how he’d lasted this long. Sheer stubborness, maybe. Ushering him to a booth with cold hands, she didn’t reply just yet. She didn’t reply, in fact, until they were settled in and had hot chocolate in front of them. By that time, Thalia had gathered her thoughts enough to try to explain what was going through her head. “I know,” she said quietly. “That’s what I dreamt. I dreamt that we fought, and...and I really thought that was going to be it. That one of us was going to kill the other.” She shuddered, remembering the intensity of the feelings. “But that’s not us. You and me, we’re here, we’re drinking hot chocolate and not mortal enemies. We just have to remember that.” She was saying it as much to convince herself as to convince him, because at this point, it was all she could do. It was either that, or lose her mind. *** A part of it had been stubbornness, but another part of it had been guilt and an inability to bring himself to be around other people. He didn’t want to be the boy from his dreams and he feared that the second he let himself feel too much of the anger or hatred that his dream self felt, he would become him. He would be so consumed by the emotions that he would turn against his friends. That wasn’t the person he wanted to be. He went numbly along with whatever Thalia had decided to do, barely acknowledging the fact that hot chocolate had been ordered until it was right in front of him. He put his hands carefully around the mug, making sure that he wouldn’t get burned first. The warmth made him shiver as it met with the parts of him that were still cold so he tugged his jacket around him even tighter. When Thalia started talking, his eyes focused on her, waiting for the point where she would tell him that it wouldn’t work, but she didn’t. She just told him about the dream, about their fight. “I wouldn’t,” he said quietly. “I wouldn’t kill you.” But the dream version of himself? Well, he wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t. He couldn’t say that they were going to be safe in the dreams, that he wouldn’t do something awful. It was terrifying. Just to think that they could be in that situation. He could still distinctly remember all of the feelings associated with his younger self, both in and outside of the dreams, when it came to Thalia. Of course, he also was keenly aware of all the other emotions that his dream self had gone through. “If something...happens. If I start to...I don’t know. I don’t want to be him. I can’t be.” *** “You won’t,” Thalia said fiercely, as if the force of her words could compel him to stay as he was. He couldn’t turn into his dream self; fate couldn’t be so cruel, could it? They’d finally - finally - managed to get together, after years of crossed lines and missing each other. Thalia refused to let a bunch of bad dreams rip them apart again. Even if there were unsettling stories of people turning into their dream selves. She thought of a meeting she had a few weeks ago, with a werewolf who’d stopped dreaming when he’d left the OC, and she leaned forward, gaze intent. “Let’s get out of here. Let’s just go. I met this guy a while back, he moved away, and when he was gone, he didn’t have any dreams. He only got them again when he came back.” *** There was a faint smile at Thalia’s words, at the way she said them. They were okay. Somehow they were okay. Luke had no idea how that was possible after everything that he’d seen. He felt sick about it. Thalia and Annabeth were his family and he’d hurt them, he’d poisoned Thalia’s tree. None of that was okay with him. Not even if he was angry with his father. If he’d been afraid, he should have reached out to someone, anyone. But he didn’t and there was nothing he could do about his dreams but see them play out. When Thalia leaned forward, he couldn’t help but look at her. There was a light in her eyes and he was reminded of why he’d fallen for her in the first place. Both in and out of the dreams. He knew he’d liked her in them. He couldn’t unfeel any of the things he’d felt in the dreams, but it was the same outside of them. But then he remembered something. “Wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose of your getting me that job. You said there wouldn’t be a reason to if I wasn’t going to stay.” He let out a long breath. “Also...I don’t know. Do you think we’ll be able to stay away?” Not that he was against the idea of getting away. He wanted to get away. He did. He just...wondered if this was running. “I don’t want to have the dreams and I’d love to leave. But what if...I don’t know.” *** They were all very good questions, very practical questions. Very frustrating questions. Thalia sat back against her booth and blew out a breath that ruffled her bangs. “Damn you for being practical.” Okay, so maybe there were logistics to picking up and leaving that they hadn’t had to - or were too young and stupid to - worry about a few years ago when they’d first talked about running away together. But the current situation couldn’t go on, either. She was worried for him, more than for herself. Her own dreams were pretty awful, but Luke seemed to be stuck in a trauma conga line he couldn’t get out of, and she was worried that he’d some day just crack and become Evil Luke. She didn’t know what she’d do if that happened. She did know, however, that dreams or not, she still cared about him. However strained their dreams might make them, she wanted to try to stay together. They’d been through too much to give up now. So she reached out to take his hand, and she squeezed gently. “It’s not you,” she told him firmly. “Whatever you dream, whatever we dream...we just have to remember that it’s not real. This is real.” *** “It’s a gift...and a curse,” he said blandly with a sigh at the end. He had been forced into practicality and being careful. Some things were not practical, like continuously leaving places as he had. But he couldn’t say that it hadn’t really kept him alive all this time. If he’d simply gone home, things might have been different. He might have been dead along with his mother. He didn’t know if they’d seen him, if anyone had seen him, but there were always ways to hack into surveillance cameras and see. He didn’t know where all the cameras were and he didn’t have confidence in saying for sure that he hadn’t been seen. But he was here now and with Thalia and Annabeth. He had friends here. He’d gotten too used to the idea of staying with them. He wasn’t sure how to leave. He stared for a long moment at Thalia’s hand on his before looking up at her face. He tried not to show the uncertainty of it, the look on his face saying he wasn’t quite certain they weren’t the same person. And who could say? Perhaps with a little more anger, being a little more broken, there was nothing to say that he wouldn’t become his dream self. “I trust you.” It was the only thing he could think to say. It was the truth. *** Thalia held onto his hand tightly. “I trust you too,” she said firmly. Maybe if she just said it confidently enough, it would come to pass. “I trust you not to go crazy and start waving that sword around and threatening to kill Annabeth, no matter how pissed off you are. I trust you not to poison me while I’m a tree. I mean, I was already a tree and you managed to refrain from doing that, so win, right?” She forced a smile. “But...I need you to be patient with me too. It was kind of hard to wake up after kicking you off a cliff in my dreams and seeing you in my room, so...if I need a moment, don’t just run away. It’s way too cold to be chasing you around.” *** He wanted to believe her, which was the only reason he didn’t argue. If she was wrong and he could become that person, then...well, that didn’t signal anything good. “Luckily I only have the knife and the nine iron, so people would be mostly okay. I don’t think it would do anything all that bad.” Of course, he’d fought monsters for a long time with just a nine iron, so it was possible he’d be just as lethal as he would be without it. He looked down at the table in front of him. “Yeah. Okay. I thought you wouldn’t want to...see me. Knowing what I’d done, who I was.” He was quiet for a moment before saying, “What I did. I don’t know if I’d have wanted to see me.” *** What he’d done in the dreams was awful. A cascading series of awful, in fact, and Thalia didn’t want to gloss over it. The difference, though, was that in the dreams he couldn’t see how awful they were. Here, in real life, he could. And that made all the difference in the world. “It was hard,” she admitted. “And I don’t know how I’m going to deal with that. But we’ve been through worse, right? And we’ll get through this too. Somehow.” She didn’t know how they were going to get through it, but the attempt had to count for something, didn’t it? *** Worse. Luke was pretty sure this was the worst thing that they’d been through. He didn’t say that, though. He looked up at her as she spoke, trying not to feel like the world was slipping away. Thalia, all things considered, was very stubborn. She tended to be someone that stayed. Even when she didn’t. But he understood what happened now. She’d been trying to find her brother. “I’m sure we’ll figure it out,” was all he said. Because he couldn’t say that they’d been through worse and he didn’t know what else to say. There was a long pause before he said, “Maybe we should go home. It’s less public and I think maybe I need to lie down again for a while.” He worried his bottom lip before saying, “But...maybe we should stay together so we can keep each other awake. If we don’t sleep, we can avoid the dreams for a bit.” *** Thalia looked at him, at the face that she'd so recently seen twisted with anger and hatred, the face she'd fought through a heavy veil of tears. It’s not him. Real Luke would never taunt her about her father. Never threaten to kill anyone. It was hard to remember that sometimes, but Thalia was determined to fight the urge to let her dreams affect her real life. Otherwise, that was just letting them win. “Yeah, okay,” she said softly. They hadn't really shared a bed, except in their dreams, and even then it had been innocent. But there wasn't going to be any hanky panky going on tonight. They just needed the comfort. She stood up. “C’mon, let's go home.” *** Luke still didn’t feel completely okay with anything, but he stood. He had no plans of trying anything while Thalia was with him, but he was going to go home and hope that they managed to get through this. If they could get through this, they could get through anything. “Yeah. Let’s go home.” |