Who: Regina & Tas What: Regina gets an unexpected pest tagging along for some shopping When: Before the adoption happened Where: A STORE of sorts Rating/Warnings: Regina contemplates murder a lot? Status: Complete!
It was nerve-wracking, this whole ordeal - an emotionally dangerous gamble to play, when she knew exactly what Zelena’s decision was in this other life that existed. Filling into the role of motherhood, putting her needs and selfish desires aside to raise Baby Hood the best she could. Regina could respect that, even if the child was technically born of rape and deceit - she wanted what was best for her niece, and what was best for her lover’s own baby. But if needed, she would have also been more than prepared to raise the little one as her own alongside Robin Hood.
Things didn’t end that way, of course. Robin died to save her. Zelena did her best to redeem herself and like Regina, she’d find her redemption within the love she had for her daughter. It was all playing out differently here for various reasons. Killian was assured they’d be adopting her estranged sister’s spawn, but.
There was still always that chance Zelena would change her mind. It was a kind of crushed hope she wouldn’t take well if that was the case, but she’d gone in knowing disappointment was a very real possibility.
Regardless, they still had to plan things as if it were actually a definite arrangement - they couldn’t have nothing when it came to the arrival of a small human. In her shopping cart were pricy, somewhat frivolous infant things. Among them was a baby formula machine well over two hundred dollars, but the reviews were excellent and it was supposed to make the process of preparing a bottle simple. A third car seat, this one for Kenzi’s car (she’d bought one for herself and Killian but more didn’t hurt), and a stroller with far too many gadgets and pockets. Worse case scenario she could donate it all to Emma and Neal, or whoever else on the network with little ones so it wouldn’t go to waste.
Next thing she was contemplating was a video monitor - so they could see and hear Meara from wherever, even their phones. Hmmm.
Tas was having a wonderful day. He’d managed to pet three dogs on his way to the store, he and Raistlin were going to be looking at new apartments (one that didn’t smell like wet dog, hopefully). There was a spring to his step as he walked into the shopping centre, but then, there was usually a spring to his step.
He wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but he did see all sorts of interesting things. He’d pick something up, look at it, and then move on, not noticing how his pouches got heavier with every stop. In fact, he was looking at a nice watch that Killian might like when, by complete coincidence, he caught sight of Regina. Placing the watch in his pouch, he happily skipped up to her.
“Hi Regina!” Tas said cheerfully, heading up to her, barely taller than her shopping cart. “What are you doing? Buying baby things? Are you and Killian expecting a baby?!” How exciting! Killian hadn’t mentioned anything to him, but he was sure it had just slipped his mind. He took a look at Regina and frowned. She didn’t look very pregnant. But if she was already buying all this baby gear, she must be pretty far along. He hoped the baby was healthy in there. Of course, he didn’t want to be rude. “Wow! They’re right! Pregnant ladies really do have a nice glow to them! And it sure looks like the baby’s coming along nicely!”
Never did Regina ever experience such a drum-rupturing sound before like Tasslehoff’s voice - she’d take the shrieking of banshees or nails dragging down chalkboard than anything signifying his presence in a one hundred foot radius from her physical being. Maybe if she acted like he wasn’t there and blatantly ignored him, he would get distracted by something shiny and wander off elsewhere but no, she’d never have that merciful relief because he simply would not. Stop. Talking.
Deep breaths. Deep, deep breaths. Murder was generally frowned upon in a Bed, Bath and Beyond-type store.
“I’m not pregnant,” she said with a very controlled voice (impressive), and a mock-smile that did its best to hide the complete and utter vitrol in tone. “I find it very hard to believe I even look pregnant to you.” Moron. Avoid eye contact. Don’t strangle the life out of him. Keep the telekinesis down. “Is there anything you need help with, Tasslehoff, or will you be on your way?”
Well, worse case scenario she could stuff the body in one of the laundry hampers on display.
One of the joys of being under four foot and barely 50 pounds meant that once again, Tas was once again the proper size to stand on the end of the shopping cart, feet on the lower shelf and hands draped over the front of the cart as he started looking through the objects in the cart, occasionally picking something up. “Oh, well, that’s a relief. I was thinking the baby might be a little too small if you were already at the buying baby supplies stage of things. And I would’ve been really sad that Killian didn’t tell me himself. Not that I’m not happy hearing it from you too, of course,” he added hastily, shooting Regina a bit of an apologetic look. “But if you’re not having a baby, why do you need all this neat stuff?” he asked, picking up the car seat. “You know, I had a lady try to tell me the other day that I should be sitting in a car seat. Can you believe that?”
Regina actually could believe that. Tas was the size of a child with the personality of a really irritating one, and she didn’t approve of him sifting through the contents of her cart - which is why she tore the current item he was looking over out of his midget hands before he tried to open it out of stupid curiosity. “It’s baby-booming season on the network, and these are for friends who have children.”
A half-lie, perhaps. It’d all go to them if the adoption process (in which Killian was making sure his fingers were in the pot for obvious reasons) somehow didn’t go through, like Zelena having the miraculous epiphany that if she tried hard enough that maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t make a complete shit of a mother. The last thing she wanted to do was spread the fact that they were becoming parents, just to have it taken away from them last minute. It was an explanation she didn’t want to ever explain and an embarrassment that’d glean unwanted pity.
A bit off topic, but Regina then noticed something off. “Why are your pockets so…engorged?
“That’s really nice of you! Maybe you're not nearly as mean as I thought you were!” Tas said cheerfully, no hint of an insult in his tone. At her question, Tas looked down at his pouches and raised his eyebrows, clearly surprised at the girth of them. “That's a good question! Sometimes things just kind of fall in. Or people lose things and I find them! Let’s find out,” Tas said, opening one of the pouches. He held onto the edge if the cart with one of his elbows, and began riffling through. From the depths of it, he pulled out a brightly coloured necklace, three gold rings, the watch he’d been looking at, price tag still attached, and a pretty multicoloured feather he’s spotted outside before his hands were full. “Wow! Look at all this great stuff! You know, we should really find a nice place to sit so I can go through my stuff properly!”
This could not be happening. Out of all the ‘random encounters’ she could be cruelly exposed to, it had to be this one, didn’t it? It had to be the thieving midget that was pulling things from the depths of his pockets like it was no damn deal.
Regina didn’t know whether to gape or wrap her fingers around his scrawny little neck.
“Tas,” she said his name as calmly as possible, without that simmer of outright annoyance present in her tone - she was almost proud of herself. “First off, quiet down. Second, your pockets aren’t a shopping cart. Third, if a security guard sees you, you’ll get arrested for shoplifting what seems to be almost two hundred dollars worth of merchandise.”
What felt like the worst possible headache in the century crept into her head, a dull throb that would soon test her patience to the max. Why couldn’t she run errands in peace, and how did he and Killian even get along?
Tas frowned, a little hurt by the accusation. “I did not shoplift,” he pouted, cramming his merchandise back into his pouches. “I found all this stuff. They can’t arrest me for finding things.” Not that people hadn’t tried before, both in real life and in the dreams.
Yes, there, that headache became that much more present. “They can arrest you for walking out and not paying for the things you found, which are all merchandise that belong to this store unless you pay for them,” Regina told him, and placed a hand on her cocked hip. “You can go ahead and put them back, or stay away from me when I walk out those automatic doors after I’ve paid for all the things I found.”
Last thing she wanted to be was some kind of accomplice or even be associated with theft thanks to Tas. Who the hell raised him? Did he get dropped on his head multiple times during his infancy?
Tas frowned to himself, looking at all the great things in his pouches. On the one hand, he really did think it was great stuff. But on the other hand, if it meant parting ways with Regina, he’d much rather put them back. After all, it was nearly criminal, the fact that he didn’t know the girlfriend of one of his best friends as much as he probably should. Anyway, he wasn’t a thief, no matter what people said. “I guess you’re right,” he sighed. It was with some sadness that he emptied his pouches onto a nearby shelf, and he gave them one last soulful gaze before turning his attention back to Regina, face already breaking into a smile again.
“Are you friends with Neal?” Tas asked cheerfully. “He and Emma, they’re really close personal friends of mine too, and they just had a new baby too! I made them a rocking chair and a bassinet! Well, me and Raistlin! Raistlin had to help with the magic,” because Tas was no carpenter and his furniture hadn’t wanted to stay together on its own.
It was like dealing with a child - the behavior and height were just so appropriate. Regina was also sorely disappointed to know that he still insisted on actually speaking to her, but she wouldn’t let the nuisance that was his presence deter from going to the next aisle of child care gadgets.
“I’m Niko’s godmother, so, yes, it’s safe to assume they’re ‘really close personal friends’ of mine too,” she retorted with some disinterest, picking up two packages of diapers to compare them. Not that it was actually necessary but, gods, she needed to keep occupied if Tas was following her around like a duckling. “What are you doing here, exactly? Don’t you have some of your own shopping to do? That’s why people come here - to buy things or waste their time browsing.”
“Oh, you are? That’s wonderful! Then you must have seen the stuff I built for him!” The furniture that could only possibly have stayed together due to Raistlin’s magic.
Tas frowned. He had come to the store for something, but when he caught sight of Regina he’d promptly forgotten about it. As he furrowed his brow, his forehead creased into the wrinkles that appeared when a kender smiled or frowned. “Oh!” Tas said. “I was supposed to get a new sketchbook and some pencils. It’s okay though! I’d much rather talk to you!”
That she did, and they were cute - it was a miracle it all held together and also a miracle that Tas, the most irritating midget in this entire plane of existence, had wormed his way into the lives of people she was close to. He was like a fungus she wanted to set ablaze.
Regina wasn’t one to hold back the sharpness of her tongue but, again, she had no interest in causing a scene in the middle of the aisle and in public. Playing nice was the only option she had at the moment.
Or maybe just nice-ish. Nice-ish could work.
“Let’s…” Time to do her utmost to not talk through gritted teeth. “Go find you that sketchbook and those pencils.” Maybe the sooner they did that, the sooner she’d get rid of him. “I’m almost done with my own shopping as it is anyway.”
If someone had just told Tas he’d just won a free puppy to accompany him on his complimentary world tour, his face could not have lit up more. “Really?” he asked. He’d clearly misjudged Regina. She was far nicer than he’d given her credit for, and it was touching how excited she was to help him with his own shopping. “That would be great! Maybe you can get some too, for your home decorating thing! Kenzi told me that’s what you like to do. Oh, I had some great ideas for your house by the way. Maybe I can draw them up for you? I was thinking the house for an evil witch really needs more skulls and cobwebs, don’t you?”
Absolutely not was what she was about to blurt out, accompanied with the intense urge to backhand the tiny man in the face. It was a miracle she didn’t - instead she sucked in a deep breath to ease the fire of her temper, and channeled it by squeezing the bar of her shopping cart. Perhaps she could pretend it was his skinny little neck clutched in her fingers.
“Sure,” Regina begrudgingly said, just to entertain him for now. If he showed up at her porch with his ‘suggestions’ of how she needed to refurbish her home then she’d at least have the freedom to slam the door in his face. “Just keep walking, Tas. The closer we get to your pencils and sketchbook, the closer you are to jotting your….ideas down.”