Anna might be (elatedorgassy) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2016-10-06 12:36:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, agent washington, anna of arendelle |
Who: Agent Washington and Anna of Arendelle
When: Early October
Where: Wash’s place
What: A birthday present delivery and talk of Wash’s past
Rating/Warnings: Low/mentions of Wash’s alcoholism and previous abuse
Status: Complete
Anna missed Wash. It’d been a couple weeks since she’d seen him. Things had been strained between them since the incident with her ex. They hadn’t talked about it yet, as life seemed to get in the way. Then Wash went on a birthday camping trip with Carolina, and Anna felt like a part of her was missing. It was amazing how attached she’d become to Wash. Not just the “with benefits” part… but the “friends” part. She felt like she’d lost something really special that night. Not just because of what her ex had said, but because it made things with Wash strange.
Anna was having a hard time reconciling things in her own mind, a hard time believing her own self-worth. It became difficult to see someone she felt like she’d fallen in love with--someone who didn’t love her back. Now that seemed to be a recurring theme, didn’t it? Yeah, she’d taken a real hit that day. It was something she’d never have wanted Wash to see. The dust settled, though, and now she could look at things a bit more critically. And now she realized some of the things that Wash said to her--things she couldn’t hear at the time, but sank in later.
She bought a present for him and covered it in grey/silver wrapping paper, with a big, yellow ribbon wrapped around it. Then she showed up on his doorstep to drop it off, wish him a happy birthday, and maybe talk a bit about what happened.
Sober was a difficult state of being for Wash. There were parts of the previous week Wash didn’t remember clearly, or couldn’t remember at all, and parts that he remembered much too vividly. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the hallucinations. Much like the experience he’d had with Epsilon, it was not an ordeal Wash wanted to repeat. Ever. However, as much as he never wanted to go through alcohol withdrawal again, he found himself craving a glass of something over the course of the day, partly out of habit, partly because with the clarity of mind sobriety had brought him he was thinking a little too much. The detox had gotten the poison out of his system, but hadn’t rid him of all his demons.
Carolina had gotten rid of all the alcohol in the house and she had done a damn thorough job of it too. The places Wash had kept bottles squirreled away, like a drunk chipmunk preparing for winter, had been raided and cleaned out. The apartment was completely dry, the only liquid refreshment came in the form of water, soda or juice. Wash appreciated her commitment to his sobriety, even if it was maddening.
He felt badly that he hadn’t told Anna where he was going or what he was going to be doing before he had left, but there had been reason for that. He didn’t want her worrying about him. He didn’t want her thinking he was a drunk, even though that was exactly what he’d been. Though, he wished they’d had the chance to talk before he’d left. Clear the tense air between them since the run-in with that bastard ex-boyfriend of hers. Wash knew he had crossed a line and had acted inappropriately, made the situation worse for Anna, and he felt awful because of it. He wanted to put things right.
He jumped at the chance to see her again. His birthday had always seemed just like any other day. His family had never made a big deal out of it, and Wash hadn’t ever felt the need to either, but it was a good excuse for Anna to come by. A great excuse for them to talk finally.
He looked better than he had the last time Anna had seen him. The circles under his eyes and sallow color of his skin had lessened considerably. Grey eyes seemed more alert and his smile upon seeing her a bit brighter, although, Anna had always managed to get a genuine smile out of Wash.
“Hi,” he greeted her when he answered her knock. “I’m glad you came by. It’s been a while.”
When Wash opened the door, Anna brightened. So much. She lit up like a Christmas tree at the sight of him, noticing right away that he looked so much better than the last time she’d seen him. (Even though that time she’d been really distracted by everything else that was going on.)
“Hey!” She stepped forward to give him a hug in greeting. Because Anna was a hugger. Surely Wash understood this by now. “It has been a while! I’ve missed your face.” She grinned softly as she pulled back away from him, and then brought the box out to hold it against his chest. “Birthday present. I hope you’ll open it and we can play with it together.”
...Legos. There were Legos in the box.
Seeing Anna brighten when he opened the door was a sense of relief. Wash was not a hugger and his body still reflexively stiffened when Anna embraced him. He hated that. He hated how his body reacted every time someone touched him unexpectedly. He was going to have to come to terms with that along with everything else.
More so, he wanted to tell Anna why. He wanted to make her understand that it had nothing to do with her. It was him, his past, his experiences that made him react inappropriately. The sad thing was, he had no idea how to even begin broaching the subject. It wasn’t something one just blurted out.
However, that could wait for another time, perhaps. Now, there was a box being pressed against his chest, thoughtfully wrapped in his favorite colors. Wash smiled as he took the box. She hadn’t had to get him anything, but the fact that she had made Wash feel pretty good. “Thank you,” he said. As it would have been awkward to open the gift standing in the entry way, Wash brought Anna inside to the living room to open his present.
“Legos?” There was a huge smile on his face when he saw what she had gotten him. “I haven’t had a lego set in...fuck, it’s been years. And it’s the Delorean! Thank you, Anna! You want to help me put this together?”
Anna closed the door behind them, then followed Wash into the living room to sit down beside him while he opened his present. Of course, she’d paid attention to his favorite colors. How could she not? She paid attention to most things he said and did. That was one of the reasons she was here, kinda. They had things to talk about.
But first… Legos! Anna grinned brightly when he opened the present and found the Delorean. The look on his face made her incredibly happy. His smile was absolutely infectious. “You’re welcome!” She bumped her shoulder into his, playfully. “Um… half the reason I bought them for you was so that I could help you build it.” She teased. But hey, it was kinda true.
Trying to figure out what to get for Wash’s birthday was a little bit of a struggle. She couldn’t get him anything too meaningful, since they weren’t together. They were just friends. But he meant a lot to her, so she had to get something nicer than a coffee mug or something generic like that. This was something they could do together, something that whenever he saw it, it would make him think of her. Something perfect. Besides, she loved those movies.
“Should we do it now?” Anna asked, obviously excited by that idea.
Honestly, Anna could have gotten him a mug with an adorable cat on it, and Wash still would have loved it. For him it really was the thought that counted. Still, as far as presents went, this was probably the best he’d gotten. This and the birthday cake Carolina had made out of MREs. All things considered, it was a pretty good birthday.
“Yeah, let’s start,” Wash said. He opened the box and carefully took out the pieces, being careful not to lose any of them. As if sensing that a bunch of tiny little parts ripe for batting around the floor had appeared on the coffee table, Suda had appeared on the couch, eyeing the legos with interest.
Anna took hold of the instructions while Wash dealt with the pieces. Anna was pretty good at putting together Legos, actually. She’d done a ton of it when she was a kid. Legos were a solitary toy; good for a girl who was too sick to go outside and play, too sick to be with friends or even family.
“I love this movie,” she said with a little sigh, handing over the instructions to Wash when she spotted the little figures. “Great Scott!” She quoted, putting together the Doc figure.
The instructions were surprisingly easy to follow and the two of them were making excellent progress in putting the little lego set together, and it was fun. It felt good to be hanging out with Anna again. A little awkward, still, maybe, even while they traded movie quotes.
Wash still wasn’t sure if everything was alright between them, of if the entire event with Anna’s ex had been swept under the rug to be ignored. Wash also wondered if she was mad at him for taking off for a week and not telling her, especially after what happened. He had promised he would tell her everyday how important she was and then he’d been gone for a week and Carolina had taken his phone...
“Anna,” he started and then paused debating whether or not it was a good idea to even say anything at all, less he reopen old wounds. “Are we alright?”
Anna wasn’t thinking about it. She had incredible amounts of focus when it came to things like Legos and movie quotes, and picking up the little figures to make them reenact bits she remembered from the films. But then they finished making the car (or were putting the last touches on it) and the happy energy started to dwindle.
She turned to look at him, a little concerned with his tone, and confused at his words. “...I… don’t know. Are we?” She was. She was just so desperate to be with him, to be around him, she’d just pushed everything else aside. All of her own crap, anyway. She did want to talk to him about what he’d said, about his past, though.
Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. The way she was looking at him now made the air in his chest tighten. There was no taking it back now, though. He had to be sure everything between them was alright, that there wasn’t something festering below the surface of their relationship, however it was defined. Not like it had between himself and Carolina. The things he’d said to his own sister, the things she had said to him. Everything the two of them had kept from each other for weeks - for months had all burst forward in that one heated argument. Wash didn’t want the same thing to happen with Anna.
“I guess it’s up to you,” he said. His mouth and the back of his throat felt dry, itchy, wanting. “I’m sorry about what happened with your ex, especially if the things I said only made things worse. It seems as though every time I open my mouth I just make things worse.”
“Oh,” Anna said, deflating a little with affection and empathy. She could tell that he was worried, he was concerned, and it made her want to protect him. Weirdly, since Anna was normally the one who made other people want to protect her. “No, no, no. You didn’t make anything worse.” She reached forward to touch his hand, but her mouth was a little dry. There was a warm thundering in her ears, her heartbeat speeding up. “I just… Can I get something to drink? Do you want something to drink?” It felt like this conversation could do with a couple of drinks.
Oh, god he wanted a drink. He needed a drink. He hadn’t tried fooling himself. He knew sobriety was going to be difficult, but he had no idea just how much he depended on alcohol to help him deal with shit until that moment. He swallowed hard. “I’m sorry, Anna, all I’ve got to offer is soda, water or juice. Is one of those ok? I’m not drinking anymore…”
Now Wash really felt poorly about not telling Anna that he had left for a week, or why he had left for a week. She had a right to know. They were friends...maybe more? The definition of their relationship was unimportant. Anna was still someone special to him and again he had managed to screw it up. This was why he had pushed Kyu away. To keep from hurting her. And he did want to protect Anna, so why did it seem as though lately all he was doing was hurting her?
Wash sighed and got to his feet, “I’ll get you a soda,” he said.
Anna took a moment to process that. Normally it would have been a beer. But now? Soda worked. Anna wasn’t even twenty-one, anyway, so soda was for the best until November. She jumped up to her feet to follow him into the kitchen. “Soda’s fine,” she leaned forward as she hurried to catch up with him.
Then she turned to lean against the counter. It felt like it’d been a long time since they’d been hanging out in the kitchen, making chocolate shot glasses, talking about Deep Throats and Blow Jobs. The drinks, of course, but later that night drinks became reality. That was only a few weeks ago. So much had changed since. Was it irreparable? Could they get back to where they were? Is that what they wanted?
After what seemed like a very, very long pause, Anna asked, “why aren’t you drinking anymore?”
Wash winced. She really hadn’t noticed just how much he’d been drinking. True, he’d already been deep into a bottle by the time the two of them had finally met for the first time, but god help him if he led her to believe that was normal, that it was okay for anyone.
He took a soda out of the fridge and gave it to her. Their relationship, whatever it was, wasn’t beyond repair. She was there with him now, talking with him, wanting to be around him, even after everything had been said and done. He just hoped that she would still want to be after he told her what it was he’d become.
“Because I’m an alcoholic - a drunk.” It was the first time he’d actually admitted it aloud. It felt weird to hear the words in his own voice and he was ashamed of it, of what he had let himself become.
The soda went untouched. Anna didn't even open it after she took it, simply set it down on the counter. “What?” She asked, frowning. Of course, now she was going over everything she could think of--all the experiences they'd had together, every time she'd seen him. He'd always had a drink. At least, almost all of the time. Did that mean he was a drunk? She didn't know. She didn't know any alcoholics. Did this change everything? Was this Wash telling her… they were over? Whatever they were? “Is that… what does that mean, exactly?”
This was one of the hardest things Wash had ever had to admit to anyone, let alone someone who meant as much to him as Anna did. She was frowning at him. Wash’s eyes lowered from her face to the soda on the countertop. His hand was to the back of his neck, his fingers pressed against the datajack embedded in his skin. He took a deep breath. “It means I drink to get drunk, not because I want to, but because I need too. I’m dependent on it, physically and emotionally.”
He couldn’t bring his eyes up from the counter to look at her. He was too ashamed of himself. He took another breath. “It means, I’m too much of a coward to face my own demons,” he said lowly, “I drank to dull everything. So I wouldn’t have to deal with anything - everything - that’s happened to me.”
It was a frown of concern more than anything. Anna could see in the way Wash was carrying himself--his eyes on the floor, his hand on the back of his neck--that this was hard for him. Uncomfortable. But this was what Anna wanted to talk to him about. What he'd mentioned that night, the bit that didn't sink in until later.
“What happened to you?” She asked gently, stepping closer. She wanted to know, but more she wanted him to feel like he could talk to her about it. He could tell her anything. She was safe.
Wash shook his head. He had told her about his Dreams, they had been easy enough to talk about, it had been easy to say he drank because of what the Dreams had done to him, done to his memories and his mind, but there was more to it than that. The Dreams had only compounded and made worse what was already there.
He managed to glance at Anna out of the corner of his eye. He saw the concern in her eyes and the way it furrowed her brows and made her frown. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and clasped his hand tighter to his neck. He could hear York in the Dreams, telling him he was easily the worst fighter on the squad. He could hear his stepfather mocking him cruelly. He closed his eyes. He needed a drink.
He took a deep breath. He had gone to war. He had to be stronger than this. Anna expected him to be. Carolina expected him to be. He had to be. “My stepfather beat the crap out of me pretty much on a daily basis,” he said. “He used to say it was to toughen me up. That I deserved it. He had a way of saying things that could you make you feel ten inches tall. My mother did absolutely nothing to stop him. In fact,” he laughed bitterly, “she used to say that it wasn’t Ralph’s fault. She used to tell me that it was hard raising another man’s kid. Everything I did, everything I said could set him off.”
Oh, God. Anna’s chest tightened. She felt her breath catch in her throat and stay there while he was talking. It was hard for her to imagine anyone doing such terrible things to anybody else. But for it to have happened to Wash? Wash didn’t deserve it. No one deserved it, actually, but especially not Wash. He was the best ever. Anna felt sad that he’d been through something so awful, and angry at his stepfather for being so horrible. Anna wasn’t used to feeling such overwhelming anger and sadness. She really didn’t know what to say.
“I’m so sorry,” was all that came out.
Wash shook his head. “There isn’t anything to be sorry for,” he told her. “Maybe I did deserve it. Maybe I didn’t. I don’t know anymore.” His jaw tightened. “I joined the Marines to get out and to get away from them. And when I left I swore two things. The first is that I would never go back there again. The second was that I would never end up like him. I did pretty good. I was an ok Marine. Not the best, but...I did alright...” his hand moved up to the back of his head to the old injury. Carolina had said it wasn’t his fault, but Wash still felt as though it was. “I got hurt,” he told Anna. “There was an accident. An explosion, and I got caught in it. The back of my skull was cracked open. I don’t remember anything about what happened. I was in a coma for three months and when I woke up, my squad had been reassigned and deployed and I had been medically discharged…”
You’re easily the worst. Epsilon was whispering at the back of Wash’s mind. Without alcohol to retreat behind, Wash found he couldn’t ignore what was going on in his head. His demons, his self-doubt, worthlessness, guilt and feelings of abandonment were bubbling up unchecked. The mess of memories of three lives jumbled together and manifested into the ghost of an A.I. Wash had never had in this life, and yet had managed to tear him apart.
“I was the worst,” he mumbled back to the ghost. “I said I would never be like my stepfather and in the end...I ended up being just as pathetic as he always said I was.”
Anna's eyes welled with tears. Her vision went blurry with them, listening to Wash talk about his past. Her heart ached, and she wanted nothing but to wrap him up in her arms and… somehow convince him it all wasn't true.
“No.” As much as she tried to make her voice sound firm, it broke on the word. So she repeated it. “No, Wash, I don't ever want to hear you say that again.” Her fingers stretched toward him, but she didn't let herself touch. Anna wanted to make sure he heard her properly, she didn't want a touch to get in the way. “You never deserved to be treated that way and you are not pathetic. You're strong and kind and funny and… Wash, you're my hero.” He'd saved her from the bad experience with her ex, and shown her things she never would have known. She loved him. And to hear him say those things about himself actually hurt.
Wash stared at her. He had heard people call veterans who had served overseas “heroes”. He had been thanked for his service by complete strangers, but no one had ever called him a hero, much less their own. He didn’t feel like a hero, and he didn’t know what it was he had done that would make her even say that. So, he just stared at her for a moment before saying, “I’m your...what?”
Anna flushed. Her skin went a shade of pink that clashed amazingly with her hair. For a moment she wasn't sure how to reply to that besides repeating herself. So that's what she did. “My hero. ...You're my knight in shining armor, Wash.” The words came out shy this time. She'd lost the firm tone, the confidence she'd had only a moment ago. She realized belatedly that she'd used his name three times in the last couple of moments, but tried not to dwell on it. She tucked her hair behind her ears nervously. “I'm sorry. It sounds stupid. And childish. And you can just.... I don't know. Forget I said anything.”
Every time you open your mouth…
Wash wondered why he couldn’t just be strong for Anna. That was what she needed. That was who her hero should have been. She had told him he wasn’t pathetic, but that was certainly what he was feeling at that moment. Anna certainly had unique taste in men, didn’t she? Wash swallowed hard. “Am I really your hero, Anna?”
“Of course you are.” Anna's voice came out soft, as if he was pulling the information out of her. She was embarrassed to admit it, but it was absolutely true. “I can't believe you have to ask.”
Was it so unbelievable? The two of them weren’t that different. The both of them had been beaten down by the people who were supposed to care for and about them. They were made to believe terrible things about themselves, that they were worthless and that no one wanted them. Wash remembered what Anna’s ex had said to her, how it had made his blood burn.
He wanted to be strong for Anna so she could see just how wonderful a person she was. She may not have chosen the right person to be her hero, but Wash wouldn’t let her down. Not again. “Thank you,” he said softly.
Anna shrugged one shoulder, her face still burning. “Anytime.” She lifted her eyes to look into his, and couldn't help but smile. Even though things were tense, emotional, awkward, and whatever else… he still made her smile.
“So, we're good, then? You and me?” Finally, Anna reached for his hand.
Wash needed the contact. His PTSD made him weird about it, but that didn’t mean he didn’t need it. Eventually he’d be at a point where he could explain to Anna why he was so weird about being touched in certain ways. At least now she understood what his stepfather had done to him. She was a smart girl, though, she would be able to put two and two together.
Wash didn’t draw away from her. He turned his hand over and let her take hold of him. Yes, he needed the contact, the reassurance that he wasn’t as alone as he sometimes felt.
“Yeah,” he smiled softly at her, “I think we’re good.”