Callisto (rageinmyheart) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2016-09-30 23:40:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, callisto |
Who: Callisto
What: Some reflection
When: Night of September 30th
Where: Her room
Warnings: Low, shockingly, but some discussion of potential violence and murder
Status: Narrative, complete
Callisto was restless, and she wasn't entirely certain why. She was playing caretaker to Xena when she needed help, which was a source of stress because she wasn't a caretaker. There was the fact she kept dreaming despite being dead. One would think death would be final, but clearly not. She had to pull strings from the afterlife, and she had no idea where her dreams were going. Callisto didn't even like the fact that she kept dreaming because she was a god, she didn't need to sleep. She realized sleep at least kept her from going off the rails too far at times, but she would rather be out causing destruction somewhere. Somewhere far away from here so no one could intervene. She wanted to wreak havoc and destruction, to release the pent up energy within her.
But she also wanted to stay here in the event Xena needed her. She didn't want to abandon her friend. Or at least part of her didn't. Her sanity and insanity were fighting. Some days she was more like she had been before the dreams had started. Others, she was far more her dream self. It was a constant teeter-totter and no one knew what they would get at any moment. Callisto could switch gears so fast she could give someone whiplash. Even right now as she sat on her bed cross-legged with her sword in her lap, she was calm, but felt herself falling into wanting to destroy something, to set something on fire.
Or perhaps what she could do was to go stand in the middle of a wildfire. The fire couldn't harm her anymore, and perhaps it could make her feel alive. Though the more likely thing was that she would simply stand there in the flames and hear nothing but the screams of her sister and parents as they burned to death in their home.
"As if they don't already echo in my fucking head," she muttered. She couldn't stand it much longer. She needed a fight with an opponent who could withstand her blows, someone who could give her a good match and that she wouldn't have to hold back on. Perhaps she would have to use the network to find someone who would be willing to do that. There had to be someone out there strong enough to keep up with her, even if it was just a one time thing. Plenty of people were on the network and dreamt, surely there had to be a few with superhuman strength or something close enough that she wouldn't have to pull her punches. And if they wanted to use weapons, she could get down with that. It's not like she could bleed, and she could just regrow limbs if they accidentally got cut off.
She strummed her fingers against the hilt of her sword as she eyed it. Yes, this was definitely something she needed to do. Maybe she could find multiple people to fight with. Starting bar fights or street fights was all well and good, but she couldn't go all out considering those people were entirely mortal and she couldn't out herself as being not human. So it was looking for someone else that dreamt. Callisto wasn't looking to make friends, she didn't want or need friends. She just wanted some place where she could work out some issues, aggression and restlessness without causing mass destruction.
Though perhaps she could take a trip to some abandoned place and set it on fire. Sometimes she really missed being at the head of an army that pillaged and killed as they wanted. She could really go for a good blood bath now.
But as it was, she'd save the blood for another day. Her mind was made up, and she would make some sort of use of that network, and see what would come of it. If no one bit, then she'd go to finding somewhere to shed some blood without people really knowing what was happening. Until then, she'd do her best to behave herself. She didn't quite understand why, but her old self was seemingly getting stronger these days. At least at times. Her inner emotions were still heavily on the heartbroken side, but she kept it to herself. No one needed to listen to her whine about her idiocy. It was her own fault anyway, and she would just suck it up.
Besides, Xena deserved better than what she had to offer, which was insanity.