InsaneJournal

Who: Xena and Callisto
What: talking about closure and things
when: recently
Where: their shared condo
Status: complete
Rated: PG-13


A knife spun through the air, sticking in the wall next to Callisto’s head. Xena flipped another one around in her hands. “So I was thinking we should talk.”

It was long over due, and they couldn’t act like everything was normal. It wasn’t just the sex, or the fight, or the dreams, but a combination of all of the above. Xena had once promised she wouldn’t try to make Callisto ‘good’. But that didn’t mean she was going to let Callisto destroy herself.

Callisto barely flinched at the knife that sunk into the wall beside her head. She looked up at Xena, dark eyes watching her flipping the other knife. Would she used it on her? Would she use the hind’s blood dagger on her if Callisto pushed hard enough? There was a part of her that wanted that outcome, for Xena to stab her with that dagger like she had in the dreams.

“You and your ‘talk.’ Really, what do you hope to accomplish?” Callisto asked, very unimpressed by it. She didn’t respond to talk. She responded to violence. Plus, she really didn’t want to hear Xena say a very specific thing, one that she already knew to be true, but had a feeling Xena would try to say it anyway.

Xena had thought about it. Contingency plans. Contingencies within contingencies. But she didn’t know if she actually had it in her to kill Callisto. Ares, sure. Callisto was more complicated, and the dreams only confused her more. “Something a little less destructive than last time.”

“But that’s the kind of talking that I’m best at.” She said with a mock pout. “Why do you want to talk anyway?” Callisto could guess why. Actually, she could make a few different guesses and probably be correct on all of them. Callisto, however, didn’t want to talk.

“Callisto, whether you got powers or not, this ain’t the dream world. You got something that Callisto never got, closure.” She got up off the couch and approached her. “Don’t let her get into your head.”

“Oh yes because closure instantly fixes everything! I’m so sorry that slipped my mind. Perhaps I should be more cheerful about it?” Callisto didn’t move from her seat. She had a thought of pulling the knife out of the wall next to her head, but she’d wait on that kind of movement. “Yes, I have closure, but that doesn’t undo the shit I’ve been through. It doesn’t bring my family back. It’s just an end, and I’m still here.” Which she didn’t think her being here was a good thing, but that was the deathwish talking. She didn’t exactly have much to live for, after all.

“Which is something people have been trying to tell you this whole time,” Xena pointed out. Though that was more prevalent in their dreams. Awake, Xena was still closer to chaotic evil than chaotic good. Chaotic neutral? ”There was a time you had things to live for, Callisto.”

“Then why the fuck do you bring it up when we both know it doesn’t do shit?” That’s the part that annoyed Callisto. Why bother bringing something up when they both knew the answer already? She couldn’t help but to roll her eyes at the having things to live for. “Is this where you tell me I should have dreams and hopes to aspire to? Because I don’t need that bullshit.” Actually to be precise, Callisto’s heart had been broken, or what was left of it, and she chose to embrace anger and detachment because it hurt less. Not to mention the fact that she was crazy, and a threat to the world at large.

“You tell me. I’m not in your head, I don’t know what you’re thinking. But I think you can find something if you’re willing to.” Xena shook her head, and held up both her arms in a shrug. “I think you’re too scared to try.”

Callisto narrowed her eyes. She knew what Xena was doing. She was trying to get her to talk, to open up, to let Xena in. Well, she was having none of that. She’d let the woman into her head once already, and that hadn’t exactly turned out well. “I’m not playing your little game, Xena. You want into my head? It’ll take a hell of a lot more than that.”

“If this was a game you’d know it.” Xena replied. “And you just confirmed what I’m saying. You really are scared. You don’t know what to do with yourself, you don’t feel like there’s anything for you, so you’re not even going to try. Where’s the woman that intimidated an entire bar tent at Sturges?”

Callisto huffed, suddenly standing up and getting in Xena’s personal bubble. In fact, she was almost nose-to-nose with her. “Did it ever occur to you that this isn’t fear, that instead I’m just tired? Existing isn’t easy, and I’m fucking tired of it. Besides, this world has nothing to offer me that I would even remotely want.”

“You don’t know that,” Xena pointed out. She lifted her hand and slowly, methodically poked Callisto in the nose. She gave her an almost feral grin. “You just haven’t looked hard enough.”

She batted Xena’s hand away. “I do know that. I don’t want anything.” Not anymore. Callisto was being intensely defensive of her heart. She refused to let anyone close to it. Besides, she fully believed love and the like was not for her anyway. There was a reason her sex life was non-existent. Well okay, more than one reason. But she wasn’t going to admit to one of the reasons.

“How do you know that? You actually try?” Xena was not actually trying to bait her into a fight. She was definitely doing the ‘get her to think about it and talk about it’ thing though. All she really wanted was for Callisto to acknowledge that she wasn’t worthless.

“Because I know for a fact this world is no better than the one we dream of. There is only pain and loss to be offered. I don’t want anymore of that shit. I’ve had more than enough for multiple lifetimes.” Seriously, the asshole who killed her family here really should have killed her when he’d had the chance. Giving Xena a glare, she pushed past her, intending to head to her room.

Xena grabbed for her bicep. “There’s more than pain and more than loss. This world is better off than that one.” Sure, there were still people living in deplorable conditions but over all… Even if Gabrielle wasn’t around, the world was still a better place. Wasn’t it? “Tell me there’s somethin’ I can do.”

She whirled around, harsh gaze falling on Xena’s again. There were plenty of things running through her head, but she was refusing to give voice to any of them. “Not for everyone. Some of us actually do get the short end of the fucking stick.” Someone had to, and not everyone could actually pull themselves up in life. Some people were just meant to be bad and to stay at the bottom where everything was terrible.

“You keep saying that but I don’t think you actually understand it,” Xena retorted. If they wanted to play ‘crap sack olympics’ Xena could find a dozen people in worse shape than Callisto was. But she didn’t really want to. It wouldn’t serve any useful purpose.

“I understand it perfectly. I get there’s people with worse situations than mine. I’m not saying I have the worst life ever. I’m saying I’m tired of life, and I’m done being fucking hurt by it.” That was possibly an admission she didn’t mean to make, but Callisto could easily spin it to reference anything other than what had happened between her and Xena.

“Life hurts. We fuck up and then we die. But there’s more to life than the bad things. You have to find the good things and hold on to them.” Was Callisto referring to them? What had happened between them? “We had something good. A friendship for the ages.”

“No really there isn’t. Not for people like me. And yeah, we had something good. Then the dreams ruined it.” At least in part, but the dreams had at least shown Xena that she could be a good person. Callisto? Was just the same, terrible person here and in the dreams.

“You don’t have to let the dreams ruin it,” Xena said. Her grip was still on Callisto, and it only tightened as she spoke. “Ruin what we had.” Whatever it had been, maybe it could never be again, but Xena was too stubborn to give up.

“That entirely depends on you. I’m the same here as I am in the dreams. You, however, are different in the dreams.” And Callisto was afraid of the good Xena bleeding over into this one. She’d seen some of it happening already. Not to mention the incessant talk of that irritating blonde. She’d kept her mouth shut on that, but she knew Xena wanted Gabrielle around. And maybe Callisto did too, if only because Gabrielle would make Xena happy, and that shred of humanity she still had left wanted her friend to be happy.

Part of her fought incessently against the goodness of her dreams. She knew if Gabrielle came it would make her happy, but it would also destroy the last vestiges of the Xena that led a motorcycle gang. And she wasn’t ready for that. She was scared of that. But then, she’d been scared of change for a long time in her dreams, before it had finally happened. “Yeah? So what? What do you want from me?”

Of course, what Callisto wanted couldn’t be given, so she didn’t even try to ask for it. “Just be true to yourself.” It was hard to accept, but Callisto had to accept it. Some part of Xena was good, or wanted to be good. Xena also obviously had feelings for Gabrielle. As much as Callisto wanted to be selfish, the humanity still within her, the part that didn’t want to lose Xena, refused to let the selfishness take over. It was a rare moment for Callisto, showing her humanity, but she didn’t show much of it. She was more fragile than she cared to give voice to, and she was protecting a broken heart.

Xena wanted to hug Callisto. Normally it wouldn’t be appropriate and she didn’t think it would be welcome under other circumstances. But YOLO, so she pulled Callisto into one. “Part of bein’ true to myself is backing the people under me. You’re family, Callisto.”

The hug was highly unexpected. Callisto wasn’t entirely certain how to respond to it. She didn’t quite feel like hugging, but she somewhat begrudgingly accepted it. The last time she’d been this close to Xena had been when they’d had sex, which she was trying not to think about. “Family,” she repeated, though she wasn’t certain if she was saying it to try and convince herself of it. Or if she was trying to force herself to settle for it the way she had before all of this shit had happened.

“Family. Something else. Don’t need blood for that,” Xena replied. “But we’ve shed enough blood together.” Was the sex a mistake? They’d never talked about it. Sometimes Xena thought she wouldn’t mind doing it again, but that was selfish.

“Considering I don’t bleed anymore, good thing we don’t need blood to be family.” If Callisto got her way, they wouldn’t talk about it. She didn’t need to hear Xena say that it was a mistake and that it could never happen again. And as far as Callisto was concerned, it wouldn’t happen again. She couldn’t do sex with no strings attached. Especially where Xena was concerned.

Xena could. She was real good at that, actually, and for a moment she eyed Callisto like she thought maybe the woman needed a good lay. Except if it was with her again, she wasn’t sure where that would lead. “I know how you feel about me.”

Callisto didn’t know what she needed. Getting laid, however, was not on the list of possibilities for that. Fighting and breaking people’s bones, however, were high on the list. Though whatever thoughts had been going through her head froze in place and were forgotten when she heard what Xena said. She looked at her, uncertain of where this would go and equally uncertain of whether she wanted to go there or not.

“You do?” Xena was known for being observant, but Callisto had thought she’d hidden it well. Of course, every instinct in her was telling her to pull away, and she did start coiling up on herself, protecting herself as much as possible.

Xena gripped her more tightly, pulling her against her chest and wrapping her arms more tightly. She wasn’t going to let Callisto pull away, or fold into herself. She wasn’t going to let her give up or get away. They were going to confront this head on and deal with the consequences like adults.

“I do. You’re like a cat, you hide your worse hurts deep down, but I know you.”

This was not a conversation they were supposed to be having. Xena wasn’t supposed to know that. It was supposed to be something that just stayed silent and never came up. But now it was, and Callisto wanted to get away from it. She tried to pry herself out of Xena’s grasp, but it seemed futile.

“Let go of me, Xena.” She wanted to run, to do anything expect to hear what Xena would inevitably say.

“No.” Xena shifted them around until she and Callisto were facing each other again, using the wall to keep Callisto from having a place to back off to. “You can bury everything, or you can face it. Or do ya think I’ll care about you less?”

Callisto glared at Xena. Why did she have to make this so difficult? Xena seemed to really want to break her heart that badly. “If that’s what you want to think.” She wasn’t going to just let Xena stomp on the remaining shreds of her heart without a fight. So she was going to try everything possible to avoid hearing Xena say those words.

“I care about you. You’re the only person in this godforsaken country who actually understands me.” In another life, that was only partly true. There were others in the dreams, but Callisto was one of them. So that part was true.

And honestly, she might have loved Callisto back if she hadn’t dreamed about Gabrielle.

“For now.” Callisto well knew if Gabrielle showed up, that would no longer be true. She was trying to just let go of her feelings, but Xena was making it difficult. It wouldn’t do any good to admit to them now when they both knew they wouldn’t go anywhere. She wasn’t Gabrielle.

“Caring about you won’t change.” Callisto was being so stubborn. Xena wanted to slap some sense into her. “A person ain’t an island, they can care about more than one person at a time.”

She was being stubborn for good reason. “I know.” But caring was entirely different from loving someone. And Callisto knew Xena couldn’t love her. Xena really needed to just drop it. Callisto wanted to break her own heart, not have it broken for her.

“What I don’t understand, is why you never said anything before?” They were going for it. Xena was going for it. “You don’t back away from anything!”

Xena was going for it. Fine. Callisto’s dream self was basically doing the ‘told ya so’ mantra in her head. “Because I knew I wasn’t your type! I knew you couldn’t love me back! The truth is if something was going to happen between, it would’ve happened years ago!” And, well, saying it only hurt. Really, just embracing her dream self completely was becoming more and more appealing. At least that Callisto wasn’t prone to getting her heart broken. She simply didn’t have one.

Callisto was right, but she was also wrong. Xena finally let go of her, but didn’t move away. “I didn’t think it was a good idea then. And now it’s too late.” Maybe, at least Callisto could have closure of some kind. “You’re not unworthy of being loved. And there’s someone out there, right now, who could love you the way you want to be loved. But the way I love you has to be the way you need to be loved right now.”

And then there were the five words that did Callisto in. They were, more or less, the words she hadn’t wanted to hear Xena say because it gave Xena power over her, and she hated that. But what was left of her heart was broken, though in true Callisto fashion, she buried the hurt and embraced the anger. She’d need to pound the living shit out of someone after this. Several someones, actually.

“None of that changes the fact that I’m fucking crazy, and no one in their right mind would love anyone who’s crazy.” And besides, Callisto’s issue was not thinking she wasn’t worthy of being loved. Her issue was just plain not connecting with people easily on an emotional level. Which is why this was hurting all the more.

Xena stepped back, letting Callisto regain some control over the situation. In most normal people some time to think about things would be good. But this was Callisto, letting her just think about it would likely trap her in a self-created vortex of self-destruction. “Didn’t say that person would be sane.” And speaking of not all that sane, Xena let her arms drop to her side. “You’re angry, hurt. Whatever you want to do me, go ahead, if it’ll make you feel better.”

Callisto eyed Xena. She actually felt like crying, but like hell was she going to cry in front of Xena. She drew in a slow breath, doing everything she could to steel herself against it. “I’m not going to take it out on you.” That was the absolute last thing she wanted to do. She wasn’t going to hurt Xena for this. But other people would hurt for it, people she didn’t care about.

“You can work it out on me,” Xena offered. Honestly, it was one of two ways she’d have handled it. Beat someone up, or fuck them. Required about the same effort.

Part of Callisto did want to work it out on Xena, but that part was her dream self. The one that hated Xena. The part that didn’t want to hurt Xena was the part that loved her. “I don’t want to hurt you.” Perhaps if Xena was immortal then Callisto would do that, knowing that she couldn’t hurt or kill her and she could vent to heart’s content. But as it was, she wasn’t going to risk potentially killing Xena in a fit of anger.

That was the Callisto that used to be, and it broke Xena’s heart. She wanted to sweep her back into a hug, hold her until all the anger bled out. But she didn’t, she couldn’t. “We never should have come to this fucking state.”

This Callisto probably wouldn’t be around for very long. She’d slide back into herself and let the angry sociopath of her dreams come out to keep the world at bay while she tried to heal. Or cauterize the wounds, as was the better description of what she’d do. “I wish we hadn’t. But this is our burden to bear now. For better or for worse.” And clearly it was for the worse in Callisto’s case. Xena at least had people in her dreams that cared and helped to save her. Callisto hadn’t wanted salvation. She’d only wanted death and to take as much of the world with her as possible. Here, all Callisto really had was Xena. She had a couple acquaintances that liked chaos and fights, but that was about it.

“We could pretend for a night. That nothin’ is fucked up. That there’s no world where you were given the worse possible roll of the dice.” Xena wasn’t offering just sex though that was in her tone. Comfort, push the world aside, pretend for a few hours.

“What good would that do?” Pretending was all well and good, but come the morning Callisto didn’t want to feel any worse than she already did. At least not from anything she and Xena might do.

“Nothing. Something. I don’t really know right now.” Xena’s shoulders were slumped. She leaned against the wall, feeling defeated. She didn’t know what else to do, and there was no solution that was easy.

Callisto rubbed her cheek, then mussed her hair a bit. She didn’t really want to be there right now. She kind of wanted to just disappear for a few days, go wreak havoc and chaos elsewhere, then come back and be calm and in control again. But of course upon coming back, she’d also be more her dream self. Which obviously wouldn’t be a good thing. “I wish I could get drunk. Drinking myself into a stupor would be great right now.” At least then she could pass out and not have to be conscious.

That was the other downside of being a god. She didn’t need to sleep, so she rarely did anymore. It left her a hell of a lot more time to be alone with herself.

“There has to be a way to make you mortal again.” Xena almost added ‘without killing you’ but she didn’t want Callisto to have that option. “Not just so you can get drunk.” She’d seen mortals turned gods, and gods turned mortals. There was just something about a human being that gods never quite understood. Something that tempered them. She hoped, maybe, being mortal again would realign Callisto’s soul.

“Dying in the dreams didn’t do it, so I don’t know what could.” Callisto said. She would’ve thought dying by hind’s blood in the dreams would’ve taken away her god status here. But clearly that hadn’t been the case. Life would be a lot less fun if she couldn’t actually get drunk. Though she couldn’t complain about avoiding hangovers, but there were times she really didn’t want to be sober.

“There are others with technology and powers,” Xena pointed out. “Maybe we can find one of them to help.” Giving them both goals wasn’t the worst of ideas. Maybe bit by bit, goal by goal, Callisto might dig herself out of her hole. It was a hope anyway.

“It’s not a disease, Xena. Besides, maybe this is just how I’m supposed to be.” As much as Callisto wished she could get drunk, she did like the perks of being a god. She liked that she could get in fights and not have to worry about being hurt or killed. And sometimes controlling fire and being able to teleport came in handy.

For someone with a death wish, Callisto sure liked the immortal part of being a god. Xena sighed, and shrugged one of her shoulders. “Just offerin’.”

She wasn’t completely immortal. They still had the hind’s blood dagger. Or daggers, really, as Xena apparently also got her own. “Yes, well, is that all you wanted to talk about?” Callisto didn’t know how much longer she could go without beating someone into a bloody pulp or falling apart. And falling apart in front of Xena was not an option for her.

“I guess that’s it,” Xena replied. Her tone was dry, but there was something else there. Sadness. Regret. Even a little anger at her own helplessness. She’d failed Callisto.

Xena hadn’t failed Callisto. No one had failed her. Though she may sometimes say the world failed her, but that wasn’t quite the same thing. It was at that moment that Callisto decided no one else was going to have that power over her again, the power to break her heart. “I’ll be back at some point.” Whether that would be later that night or a couple days from now was anyone’s guess. But Callisto would come back. She just probably wouldn’t be the Callisto that Xena wanted around.