Hanna Marin knows what Hanna Marin means (numbtothedanger) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2016-08-16 15:28:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, caleb rivers, hanna marin |
Who: Haleb
What: New ‘ship discussions, round two. This time with actual words!
When: Following these texts
Where: Caleb’s apartment
Warnings: Low
Status: Log | Complete
Well, it wasn’t like Hanna could avoid the conversation forever, and Emily’s arrival and wanting to meet Caleb basically meant that Hanna had to stop her avoiding sooner than she had wanted to. Because she still didn’t have everything worked out in her mind. She was calmer than she’d been Sunday when she woke up. But it still was a lot and still pushed every insecurity and there was a freaking engagement ring making it impossible to ignore.
She really missed being able to ignore that one part and focus on the stupidity of yet another murder mystery.
But…. she couldn’t. Which meant that going home to pick up the engagement ring to get that conversation out of the way (okay, it was also to try and explain why she had gone from trying to ignore that part to being unable to) and then it was back to her car and driving to Caleb’s apartment. Where she sat in said car for another ten minutes. It really shouldn’t be this difficult. She was also rash most of the time but she didn’t want to be rash in this.
Groaning in frustration, Hanna just dropped her head on the steering wheel. Okay. Breathe. She could do this. Looking up, she checked the mirror to make sure she was put together at the very least before going to Caleb’s, knocking to announce her presence before letting herself in.
After taking the weekend to process what he had dreamt all he wanted to do was talk to Hanna about it. He wasn’t exactly sure why he felt guilty. It wasn’t like he personally had done anything wrong. The dreams just clouded everything sometimes. But one thing he did know was he needed to tell Hanna. Keeping it from her didn’t feel right and once the shock wore off he was ready. Just Hanna had been busy with her internship so he had to wait. Now they could finally talk about these time jump dreams. And what it meant for their dreamselves’ relationship.
Caleb was sitting on the couch, laptop on his lap when Hanna enterted the apartment. “Hey,” he said closing the laptop and setting it down on the coffee table. He got up walking over to his girlfriend. “I’ve missed you,” he said wrapping his arms around her. And it was true, as confusing and complicated as the dreams were he had still missed her.
It was going to be an awkward conversation, that much was certain because she didn’t even know if Caleb knew why they broke up. Just that they had and she was pretty sure the shower thing from Saturday dealt might have something to do with Spencer, if only because Caleb got weird when he was ahead of her. But it did need to happen and her internship had basically been a great cover because there was a lot to get done and it just… worked for avoiding.
But no more.
“Hey.”
Managing a slight smile, she nodded. “I missed you, too.”
And she did. Insecurities and fears rearing their annoying heads and making her suddenly not feel stable or secure? That had sucked, but she had missed Caleb. She just… needed to try and wrap her head around it all.
He kissed the top of her head before pulling away. And once he did it was Techno’s turn to great her. The dog running up and jumping on his two hind legs placing his paws on Hanna. “Techno down,” Caleb commanded laughing slightly. “Looks like I’m not the only one that missed you,” he commented with a smirk before leading her over to the couch so they could talk. Time to get serious.
“I feel like I need to explain Saturday,” he paused not sure how to go about it. How did you tell your girlfriend who you also dated for the majority of your dreams, that you slept with her best friend? “I had a dream about me and Spencer.” Well blurting it out it was.
And suddenly there was a Techno. Well even when stressed, she managed to laugh some as she scratched the back of his ears, even as he got down. No damage done to her top or slacks, so no big deal. “Apparently not.” But right. Sitting. Talking.
Hanna had been prepared to say something, but Caleb started off so she just nodded some. She already had known where this was going and honestly? She didn’t want to hear it. She knew she was going to have to. So she just tensed and yeah, that was really hard to hear and she closed her eyes and took a breath. She could get through this. And it was basically a segway into what she had dreamed.
“....Yeah. I had a dream Sunday about Spencer asking my permission to pursue something with you.” So not easy to get out. But…. “I also woke up to this.” And going into her purse, Hanna pulled out the ring box with the engagement ring in it.
Of course he noticed how Hanna seemed to tense at the mention of him and Spencer. Not that he could blame her. It was a messed up thing. “Han,” he began. “You know you’re the only one I want.” As far as their breakup went? He hadn’t seen that yet he had no idea why they were suddenly not together. But then she went on to say she already knew about the Spencer thing.
“She did?” Caleb hadn’t known that. And with how close Hanna and Spencer were he had a feeling she gave her permission. If Hanna had said no, then he didn’t think Spencer would go through with it. But that almost hurt. Thinking about Hanna, even if it was dream!Hanna, telling someone else it was okay to be with him? Because it wasn’t okay.
But seeing the engagement ring? That definitely hurt. “Oh.” Was all he could say. But damn that looked like an expensive ring. Yes he had seen it in the dreams but actually seeing it was a whole different thing.
“Yeah.” In a way, Hanna understood why she had said it was okay in the dreams. She was engaged, which should mean she had moved on. Yeah, it hurt, but they were all moving forward with their lives. She cared about the two, so obviously she wanted them to be happy. But even then… well, a lot of it was also trying to convince herself of that. Besides the sickened feeling she’d gotten when she had thought it had started right after Caleb had left her….
And then the ring. It wasn’t like there was much she could do about it, the stupid thing had shown up. But given they had said honesty, especially with the dreams, it wasn’t like she could keep it secret that it had shown up. She’d probably pawn it. But it was still there.
“Pretty much so.” Because what was there to say?
Caleb ran his finger over the ring, examining it in a way. But he didn’t want to actually hold it. Or even see it anymore. He dropped his hand turning his head away for a moment. “So you got it Sunday?” he finally asked looking back over at her.
The second he was done examining it, Hanna closed it and put it away. After all, it wasn’t like she was exactly fond of the reminder either. But she really had no idea what to do with it. There was a stupid pull that even though she didn’t like it or want it, she wasn’t sure if she could actually sell it or whatever. All she could assume was it had something to do with the area because it would be par the course.
“Yeah.”
Good. She put it away. He didn’t want to see that thing anymore. Whether or not Hanna wanted to keep it or not was up to her. Of course he’d rather she didn’t but that wasn’t his choice. Plus it was hard to give up dream items. He still had the gravestone after all.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” As in earlier. Because obviously she had told him now.
“Um… because it showed up and completely threw me and I’ve been trying to come to terms with it on top of everything else because it made it impossible to ignore the stupid relationship bullshit.” Yes. They had their honesty thing. But it wasn’t the type of thing to just say ‘oh by the way, this ring just showed up’ when she was trying to get her emotions about all of this under control. Key word there being trying.
“Hanna,” he rubbed his face with his hands as he trying to figure out what to say. He really hated these damn dreams. At least before no matter what they faced in them they were together. But now everything was different. And there was nothing he could do about it. “I don’t know how we are supposed to handle these new dreams. But keeping things from each other doesn’t feel right. Even if it might hurt.”
And now she was just getting frustrated. “Did I say anything about keeping things from you? No. I said I was trying to get my emotions under control. Why? So I could actually talk about it and not be rash about it.” Since that was the other option. Because if she had come to him on Sunday with all of this? There was a good chance she would have been a lot more agitated. “But right. Got it. Next time, no need to try and make sense of it to try and have a rational conversation. I’ll just come straight over and yell at you. That sounds so much better.”
Ugh.
Sure Hanna was making some good points. But mostly Caleb was annoyed. “You were going to yell at me for getting an engagement ring from Jordan? I’m sorry but how exactly is that my fault?” he asked clearly frustrated. Of course there was the Spencer thing which might be more what she was referring to. And yeah that he couldn’t totally blame her for yelling at him for. Even though dream!him wasn’t him. If he could control what he did in the dreams he most certainly would. But that was beside the point and Caleb was too upset about this whole new dream mess and Hanna getting an engagement ring to think rationally right now.
Hanna was actually capable of making valid points despite the way she tended to word them and how they came out in a word jumble. But that wasn’t the point. Because right now, they were both upset about the ring. Or well, the ring was just the physical manifestation of everything else for Hanna. The fact Caleb had ended up being like her father. That he had apparently bonded with Spencer, someone she had always compared herself to along with Ali in the dreams. The fact that it all screamed warning with big flashing lights because they were so similar to their dreamselves already and she was trying to say that didn’t make them the same (which so much easier said than done).
“No. I was going to yell at you for ending up just like my father!”
And that was it. The crux of it. Caleb had packed up and left in the blink of an eye, just like Tom Marin.
“You just leave and right after you end up with Spencer in Madrid and have this moment or whatever but you two hold off until we’re all back in freaking Rosewood and Spencer is asking my permission and the ‘oh no, I would never do that to you’ means that there was something right after!”
“Your father?” Now Caleb was just confused. What was Hanna even talking about? Plus being like her father was a huge insult. He hated the guy and he knew Hanna had a rocky relationship with him.
And then Madrid? “You mean when I saw Spencer at the train station?” Yeah that had been like something out of a rom com but Caleb wouldn’t call it a moment. “I don’t know what Spencer told you but nothing happened.”
“Yeah, you packed up and left somehow in the span of maybe fifteen minutes before I could come back and say that the job was being ridiculous and left your phone behind.” There was a reason why it fit. It might be an insult but that didn’t change the fact that the events were the same.
“She denied it but when you say ‘oh god no, I would never do that to you’, it clearly makes it sound like there was something more that could have happened than just randomly running into one another.”
Again Caleb was rubbing his face with a sigh. This made no sense. Why would he just leave Hanna? It also explained why Hanna was so upset and had waited to show the ring. He certainly wasn’t happy about it, but he could see how much dream!him had upset her.
“Han,” he said brushing some hair out of her face. “I’m never going to leave you like that. No matter what. I know I’m a lot like my dreamself but he’s not me.”
She wanted to believe him, god she wanted to believe him. And part of her did. But there was still that part of her that was always waiting for this all to be ruined. That she’d end up broken hearted all over again just as she’d been when her dad left. And with how tied up in her emotions she was, she really had needed the time to try and untangle those emotions from the dreams, which just wasn’t something she could do with constant reminders or doubting.
“I know…” And despite that part of her that kept saying it was a warning, that in the end they always left, she did know that. Hearing it helped, though she was also more able to hear it now than she would have been Sunday. “I just… needed to separate from it. Untangle the stupid spaghetti mess of it all from the dreams and here before I could even try to talk.” Without crashing her car. Focusing on everything but such as going to the spa, or her internship had allowed Hanna to have that focus so she didn’t get herself into a car crash.
Caleb couldn’t help but smile at the tangled spaghetti comment. That was just so Hanna. Not to mention a memory of their first official date. “I just don’t want these new dreams to change us. Affect us. I know it’s different because it has always been us. Even when I was in Ravenswood it was always you. And now it’s all messed up. I don’t like seeing it but that doesn’t mean it will happen here.” Because it wouldn’t. There was no one else for Caleb and he knew that. “But I don’t want us to keep things from each other. I’d rather you were honest about dreams with Jordan.”
“I don’t either.” Why would she? She didn’t think they would, but it was also why she had needed to have a ‘cooling off’ period, so to speak. Because who knew what she would do if she were so caught up in the crossover that she wasn’t thinking straight. It wasn’t like Hanna was known for being rational most of the time. If anything, the dreams helped her to notice that so she at least tried to stop and not be so rash and sabotage herself. Admittedly it had happened a bit sooner than she had thought and she had still gotten angry but she also knew that had she said anything Sunday or even Monday, it probably would have gone a lot worse.
“Right. Well, it’s not like I’ve even set a date for the wedding in the dreams.” Which… probably should be a sign to her in the dreams. But Hanna could be very good at lying to herself when it came to her emotions and what she didn’t want to admit. “But yeah. Anything major, though I doubt he’ll really be around much since it’s not like he’s actually involved in the mess beyond his connection to me.” Because she did know dream her loved him, not the same as Caleb, and it wasn’t like she had stopped loving him either she just told herself she needed to move on. But Jordan had made her laugh and relax and have fun again. She had trusted him with her past. But it wasn’t the same either.
Caleb almost winced. Because that’s how he had gotten involved in it all. His connection to Hanna. He didn’t really want her bringing another boyfriend in. Yeah Caleb was jealous. Even if they were just dreams and he had Hanna here. And despite the whole Spencer mess deep down he knew his dreamself still loved Hanna. That would never go away. And just like his dream self he had hope they would still end up together.
“Well I still want to know,” Caleb finally said. “If I ever dream more about Madrid I’ll tell you. Although if it hurts too much to hear it I understand. Just know here, in real life, you’re always going to be the only one for me. I won’t leave like your dad. I’m not him and I’m not dream!Caleb.”
Caleb had also lived in Rosewood whereas Jordan was mostly in New York beyond coming to surprise her periodically. Which...awkward. Especially since she had the honesty policy with Jordan in the dreams as well. Not much she could do about that though. So she could really only agree to what Caleb was saying.
“Okay….” God she hated this. This whole thing was a mess. But she did faintly smile as the tension from everything started to dissipate. “Good. Because you’re the only one for me here as well.” So what if they were young, couldn’t they know that? Even if it was kind of scary to say as much? But she still didn’t think Jordan would factor in too much in the dreams if only because she would make sure he stayed away from Rosewood. Then again, whoever really knew?
Caleb instantly felt a wave a relief washed over them. He knew these new dreams were going to be difficult, to see and talk about. But everything would be okay. He and Hanna had been through alot together. They’d get through this dream bull shit. As long as they had each other which they had made it very clear that they did.
“I’d sure hope so,” Caleb grinned closing the gap between them to give Hanna a long overdue kiss. Yeah, they’d definitely get through this.