Katou (katoustheshit) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2016-08-05 21:40:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, kanan jarrus, yue katou |
Who: Katou and Kanan
What: A late-night chat.
When: Recently
Where: Chateau Katou
Rating/Warnings: Rated high/teenish for some disturbing nightmares and discussion of drug addiction
Status: Complete
Katou shot up in his bed. He managed to not cry out, though he was breathing heavily and his sheets were wet with sweat. The nightmares came often to him, scenes from his Dreams, twisted to be more horrifying and grotesque than they had ever been in real life. They’d been horrible the first time through, but frankly, Katou prefered the repeat dreams to the nightmares his subconscious cooked up on its own.
It had been nearly ten months since Katou had finished dreaming, and it had been longer than that since he’d expected to actually sleep through the night. It happened sometimes, but his bad nights outnumbered his good nights by a long shot. He was normally pretty good at not letting it affect him. He went for early morning runs when at one point he would have rather slept until noon. He practiced his guitar, headphones in, or he blasted his music also through his headphones. When he’d been in school, sometimes he even did his homework. Anyway, the lack of sleep didn’t matter so long as he didn’t wake Kanan. He was half convinced that his new body didn’t need much sleep anyway. After all, what could the (most likely) dead need with sleep?
He laid back down, staring at the ceiling for a few minutes before he decided this wasn’t one of those nights where he’d fall back asleep. Instead, he got up and quietly padded his way to the kitchen. He made himself a cup of tea, turning off the kettle before it started to whistle, and then headed for the back door for a cigarette.
Night time and sleep were funny things to Kanan. Sometimes the two went hand-in-hand easily while other times the two seemed to want nothing to do with each other. Kanan blamed it on his erstwhile youth when he had been constantly moving and sleeping wherever and whenever he felt he could catch one to two hours at a time.
This particular night was one of those in which sleep just wasn’t happening. He’d dicked around in the living room for a few hours then laid in his bed staring at the ceiling debating whether or not he should call Dutch or Carolina until the hour was too late to justify calling either one of them. At that point when it became clear to him that he wasn’t going to be sleeping, he’d gotten up and headed outside to the back yard for some fresh air.
He was seated on the back patio, still wearing what he’d had on that day and having a smoke when Katou emerged. Kanan raised a brow at him. He glanced at his watch before looking at Katou. “Late night?” He asked, removing his feet from the other chair so Katou could have a place to sit.
Katou nearly jumped out of his skin when Kanan spoke, sloshing the burning hot liquid over his right hand. He released the cup with a yelp of pain, but before it hit the ground he ducked for it, catching it by the bottom with his metal hand. More liquid sloshed over the edges, but he couldn’t feel it. At least he’d managed to salvage half his tea.
“Jesus fuck, Kanan,” Katou snapped. “Don’t sneak up on guy like that.” He was annoyed, though more by himself than Kanan. He should have sensed him out here; it wasn’t like Jedi auras were exactly subtle. But he’d been off his game for a while. First Anna had had to save him from dragon men, and then Izzy had had to rescue him from some ghoul that he could easily take out in some of the first dreams he’d had. The fuck was wrong with him?
He threw himself into the chair across from Kanan, turning his body so that one of his legs was dangling over the side of the chair. It was easier to gain his devil-may-care composure when he was his posture already screamed how casual and laid back he was. “Yeah,” he said. “Late night. What are you doing up?”
Kanan had to keep from laughing out loud. It wasn’t as though he’d been hiding out there. “Sorry,” he said, “wasn’t expecting anyone to come wandering out here.”
He slouched low in his chair again, stretching his legs out in front of him. His back protested a little at the position, but he’d lost his foot rest. “I couldn’t sleep,” he said with a sigh and a shrug. “Nothing new, really. I did too much running around when I was your age. Sleeping at weird times in weird spots. My body is just used to conking out whenever the hell it wants. Apparently tonight it just doesn’t want to conk out at all.” He flicked ash off his cigarette. “What about you? What are you doing up?”
There were only so many reasons. Katou had been at the house that evening, so it wasn’t as though he’d just rolled in from some hot date or anything (not that Kanan had ever seen Katou express any interest in dating since he’d moved in). He could have just had the same difficulties dropping off into dreamland Kanan had. Or…there was something else.
“Everything alright?”
Katou gave his hand a couple of shakes and then blew on it to help with the burning, though it was already fading to a place where he could ignore the burns. It wasn’t like it had caused any real damage, other than the fact that his skin was a little red. Then, he reached for his pack of cigarettes in his pockets and lit one up.
“Yeah, everything’s peachy,” Katou said. He bit his lower lip, and then leaned his head so it was resting on the back of the chair. It wasn’t really true, and Katou was starting to get tired of always pretending things were fine. “I just couldn’t sleep. Nightmares and shit. But that’s how it goes most nights, you know?”
Kanan was pretty good at knowing when someone was blowing smoke up his ass. He’d suffered his fair share of nightmares in his youth and generally speaking if that was what was going on most nights, things were definitely not “peachy”.
Kanan hid his frown of concern with something a little more pensive. “I see,” he answered before taking a drag off his cigarette. Katou was an independent young man, capable of taking care of himself and Kanan didn’t want to insult him with the same kind of attention he’d given Dutch when her Dreams had turned chillingly violent.
That being said Katou was still a young man. Not quite a kid and not quite an adult. He’d been through some very adult events, especially recently, and Kanan could only guess at the type of life he’d lead before Kanan had met him. That was a lot for someone Katou’s age to deal with, independently minded or not. Kanan could remember being his age and wishing for someone to take the time to just talk with him. The least he could do was give Katou the chance if he wanted it.
“You wanna talk about it?” He asked. He wouldn’t push, but he did want for Katou to be alright, to be happy. God help him, he liked the punk. So the offer of an ear was put out in case the guardian angel wanted to use it.
Katou shrugged, taking another drag of his cigarette. What good was talking about it going to do? It wasn’t going to make the dreams go away. It wasn’t like talking about shit was going to make it go away. It was better to just suck it up and deal with it.
But then, hadn’t he thought the same thing when his soul had been separating from his body? As soon as he’d mentioned it, Lina and Zatanna had swooped in to the rescue and saved his skin. And sharing with Setsuna and Uriel had made him feel better. More connected. More like someone was out there who had his back.
He shifted again, bringing his legs in front of him, and leaned over so that his arms were resting on his knees. “I dunno. It’s just… in these dreams…” They were different every night, though always the same. Watching Kira die over and over again. Watching Setsuna too. And they always blamed him. “Last night, I dreamed of Setsuna, the Messiah. He was there, screaming at me to help him as Lucifer ripped off his wings and gouged out his eyes. In real life…” He stopped himself, squeezed his eyes shut, and took a deep breath before he corrected himself. “In the dreams, I didn’t see it when Rociel did it, but I can see it, I can hear it, so clearly in these nightmares. But I can’t move. I’m supposed to be his Guardian, his Champion, and I can’t fucking move until Lucifer finally ends the screaming by cutting off his head. And then I can. And I rush Lucifer, to end him even if it ends me. But before just before I ram my hand through his chest, he turns and he’s Kira, my best friend. And he asks me what I’m doing, but I’m already holding his heart in my hand. And then he explodes, like I ripped him into pieces, like he did in rea- in the Dreams, and I’m just standing there. Knee deep in blood and bodies, with Kira’s fucking heart in my hand.”
And that… didn’t help at all. If anything, saying it out loud was worse. Made it real. Katou looked down between his knees, forehead resting in his hands and hair tangled between his fingers, cigarette clenched firmly between his teeth. This was a mistake.
Yup. That was a nightmare if Kanan ever heard one and it was little wonder why Katou was out there on the back patio with him at this late hour. Kanan was frowning now. After hearing that, how could he not?
If there was a way he could take these recurring night terrors away for Katou, he’d do it, but as far as he knew there was no Jedi mind trick for dreams. That and Katou’s will was too strong to take the suggestion.
The way Katou was bent over in his seat, head in his hands. No, the poor kid was far from peachy. Kanan sighed and leaned forward to grasp the young man’s shoulder in a firm reassuring grip.
“I’m sorry, Katou,” he said solemnly. “I wish there was a way for me to stop those dreams for you. If there was I would do it.” He would figure something out for him. He knew a few magic types here. Maybe they could offer a bit of advice. If not them, then maybe he could find something else. Meditation was supposed to help with nightmares, if indeed this was something that could be handled in such a way. Kanan would figure it out.
For a moment, Katou almost took comfort in the gesture. While he generally enjoyed physical contact, this… this was different. Normally he’d throw his arms around a friend’s shoulders, slap them on the back, maybe hug them if he was joking around or drunk. But it rankled him this time, especially when Kanan confirmed there was nothing he could do. He backhanded Kanan’s hand away.
“I don’t need your pity,” Katou snapped, standing. There was a way to stop them, or at the very least stop caring about them. But he didn’t know if he was at that point yet. Which meant, he forced himself to think, that he wasn’t there. He ran a hand through his hair, gazing up at the stars. In another life, Kira had once told him that when a star falls, it grants a million wishes. When he brought the star called Wormwood down upon the earth, it had granted him his wish, though he wasn’t sure if it was real or just his fevered imaginings. There weren’t any stars falling now though. “These nightmares drive me crazy sometimes.”
Kanan let his arm get shoved away. It wrenched his shoulder a bit, but he didn’t wince or show any discomfort. Instead he sat back in his chair. He had crossed a line that Katou hadn’t been ready for, and he accepted the consequences for it. He lit another cigarette and took a drag, glancing upwards at the same sky Katou was looking at. He didn’t know for stars or wishes, but the night sky had a way of making you feel very small. Kanan often had taken comfort in it.
“I wasn’t giving you any pity,” he said after a moment of inhaling smoke and staring at the inky black night. “I’ve had a lot of nightmares in my life. They weren’t related to any kind of Dream, but they were no less horrifying and kept me awake at night all the same. I didn’t have anyone to confide in or anyone who cared to listen. You, however, do. You have me and as long as you want to talk to me, I’ll listen.” He flicked the ashes a way. “And if you don’t want me to, then that’s up to you. I’m not here to make you do anything you don’t want to.”
Katou’d never really had people in his life to confide in. When he thought about it, he realized that Kira and Setsuna, Wendy and Jack would have been there to listen had Katou chosen to lay things on them. But Katou hadn’t, not really. There was always something more important, more pressing. Or they were dealing with their own stuff and didn’t need Katou to pile things on. Anyway, it had been so long since he’d had someone that it didn’t feel natural to open up, to talk about things.
After a long moment, Katou took his seat. “You don’t wanna deal with all my shit,” he said, cracking half a smile, and focusing on a spot just above Kanan’s right shoulder.
Kanan knew all too well what it was to not have anyone to confide in. He had gone his entire life without anyone close enough to tell anything to. He’d had Janus, who had been about as close to a father figure as Kanan’d had, but Kanan had never actually confided in him. Told the man his hopes, dreams and fears. Kanan had learned to live his life without thinking about those things. It had made him very zen about the occupation he’d been groomed for. Not that he would have changed his life for anything, regret was not something Kanan dwelled on, but it still would have been nice.
He took a drag and raised a brow at Katou. “If I didn’t want to ‘deal’ with your shit, I wouldn’t have bothered asking,” he said, a circle of smoke framing his face. “Kid, everyone has shit they have to deal with. Everyone, at some time or another, has more shit than they can deal with. And that’s fine. It fucking happens. I have my shit, but so what? If I can help you with yours, then I’d like to.”
He was at the dog end of his cigarette, so Katou fished another one from his pack and lit it with the one he was currently smoking. Pulling his gaze back up to the stars, he took a long drag from the smoke and took a sip of his tea. “Well, you know I'm a junkie, right?”
Not that he’d ever mentioned it to Kanan before. He might joke about it to other people, taking shots at himself for being a lazy junkie, but he’d always wanted Kanan to think the best of him. Didn't mean word hadn't reached him, or that he hadn't somehow figured it out. Besides, it felt like less of a confession if he assumed Kanan already knew.
“I had some suspicions,” Kanan said with a shrug. There had been certain words said, certain actions made that had mad Kanan think that Kaotu’d had some kind addiction at some point. Kid’d had a rough life, that much had been obvious from the moment Kanan had met him. It only stood to reason. “I didn’t say anything because A: it wasn’t any of my business and B: you’ve been working really hard to get your life together. Graduating high school, working for me-” which wasn’t exactly legitimate work, but honest work nonetheless - “keeping a roof over your head.” He eyed Katou carefully, however. Now that Katou had laid his cards on the table... “You’re not using now, right?” Kanan had known a few addicts in his time. They were masters at hiding the truth. “I don’t like having to ask, but if we are going to continue to rely on each other - and we are - I need you to be honest with me. Fair?”
Katou shook his head, wincing slightly. It was a fair question. “Naw, not right now. Though, I think ‘bout it a lot,” he said. Like now. “It’s almost been a year since the last time I used, actually.” He frowned. “Actually, if I was using again, I doubt you’d haveta ask.” Katou was a real shitheel when he was on the junk.
That was true. If Katou was using still, then Kanan would have probably seen the signs. Still, it was better that he heard it from the kid himself. Honesty was important between them. It built the trust that the both of them needed.
“Congratulations on a year’s sobriety.” Addiction was a hard thing to overcome, as were the underlying issues that caused someone to become addicted in the first place. Kanan was concerned if Katou was addressing those issues or not. Everyone dealt with trauma and damage their own way. Kanan had spent years running from his.
He didn’t ask. He understood that there were certain things Katou was private about. His Dreams had been one. His personal life was another. He’d already pried by asking about his Dreams. But at least Katou had opened up to him a little. Kanan felt good about that.
Katou half smiled in thanks at Kanan. “You know,” Katou said, glancing at the burning end of his cigarette. “My uh, birthday - not my actual birthday, my NA type birthday - it’s coming up pretty soon here. If you wanted to go. It’ll be kinda boring, but I’m gonna make my friend Izzy bake me a cake.”
Kanan tamed back the bright smile that threatened his face with a casual shrug as he reached for his cigarette pack. “Yeah, I think I’d like to go to that,” he said. “Sounds interesting and who am I to pass up free cake?” He grinned at Katou, “And I promise, no balloons and streamers at the breakfast table in the morning.”
“Thank fuck,” Katou snorted. Having all that stuff there for his graduation was bad enough. Some part of him had been touched by the effort Kanan had put in, but mostly it had just been embarrassing. Sweet, but embarrassing. “No one should ever pass up free cake. ‘Specially not Izzy’s. I’m uh… glad you’ll be there.”
“No problem,” Kanan chuckled and slouched low in his chair again, stretching his legs out in front of him. Again his back protested. These chairs weren’t really made for long-term sitting, but his body was starting to relax a little. Sleep may have been a possibility tonight after all.