Azula burns bright (bornoffire) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-08-26 22:05:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, azula, iroh |
If you do not want to lose it, if you do not want to lose everything, then look within yourself.
Who: Azula and Iroh
What: Tea and Conversation and talk of getting rid of Ozai
When: Some time after bad dreams in London (and before Mai’s confrontation with Ozai)
Where: The Tea Shop
Status: Complete
Rating: pg-13
Azula had hesitated to take up Iroh on his offer, but after she dreamed about her childish behavior (although really, they were all childish many times throughout those events) she thought she owed him... something. For mocking her cousin. For mocking him. Injuring him and locking him away. And for ignoring him here, when he only ever meant to be family.
Still, she almost didn't go. It was Ty Lee that pushed her into it. She hesitated outside the door.
As far as Iroh was concerned, the apology had been for things Azula had done in this life, not in the other one. He hadn't had as many dreams as any of the people around them. Some of them had been more disturbing than others - watching his brother burn his nephew's face had been one of them - but there were few enough of them so far where Azula figured prominently.
He had never been angry with her so much as disappointed. The wellbeing of his young niece and nephew was one of the only things he had left to look out for in this family. His own wife and son were buried and gone, and caring for Ursa was more like tending to a ghost. He only wanted to be more included in their lives. Barring that, he mainly wished that they would choose lives for themselves that had nothing to do with their father's.
So he was looking forward to simply having tea with his niece. He'd prepared his best varietal, and cleared one of the more private tables.
There was certainly enough that Azula had to apologize for here. She hated that word. Sorry. Sorry this. Sorry that. She wished there was another word she could use. One that reflected how she felt without sounding so... so... whiney.
Taking a breath, she walked inside, and looked around. As always the scent assaulted her, but for once she didn't hate it. She was walking on too much fragile glass to really be angry at something so simple. Why she hadn't left Ty Lee, she wasn't sure yet. She still thought she should, for Ty Lee's sake, and for her own.
Her heart still hurt thinking about it. She hadn't bothered to talk to Mai since.
That suited Mai just fine. She wasn’t talking to much of anyone.
And why would the nice, aromatic and calming scent of tea be something to incite such anger, anyway? Iroh would laugh if she ever mentioned that the smell invoked that kind of feeling. There was nothing about tea to be this angry about.
He never understood it when Zuko got angry over it, either.
The fragile state of his niece was not lost on him when he approached her, and he offered her a calm smile, "I am glad that you came. Here, come with me. I have a private table set aside, away from prying eyes."
It's a psychological thing, and Azula was never the most stable person. Dreams and recent events had only served to make it worse of late. They didn't want to be calm.
"Privacy is good," She replied, glancing around. For herself, and just in general. She never knew if someone was listening in for her father, and that had become a very real paranoid fear of hers. The demands from Ozai on both her and her brother had only gotten worse. She thought she might have to take him out.
Iroh nodded, while guiding her in the direction of the private table with one hand. Once he was sure she knew which way they were going, he dropped that hand and headed in the direction on his own. She wouldn't be coddled or escorted along like a child. She was an adult, and a defiant one. He did not want her to feel smothered.
They walked through part of the zen garden in the center, before approaching a painted screen, which he slid open. He gestured inside, "I have the tea already waiting. And some cakes, in case you are hungry."
His tone was gentle, tinged with some amusement at the thought of Azula ever eating his tea cakes.
Azula was grateful for that. She didn't believe in being coddled - at least in public. That kind of affection was meant for two lovers in a bedroom, and even then there were undercurrents of passion. She thought of how Ty Lee had made love to her the other night. And every night since.
It made for odd feelings in her chest, and the thought warmed her cheeks. She took a seat, and honest to god, picked up a tea cake.
He was quite happy to see Azula do that, though he knew better than to comment on it. So much of Azula was hidden inside of her, just like Mai. When they got like this, they were exactly like a young fawn, or rabbit. Content to be near you until you made any signs or movements that indicated you were aware of their presence.
He closed the screen and took a seat, busying himself with pouring the tea. In this sort of tradition, an apology could have been reflected by having her pour it for him. She would have done that, perhaps, if she knew what it meant. He ignored such traditions, and placed a cup down in front of her. Today may have been about apologies. It was also about clean slates and new starts.
He gave her a moment to eat while he thoughtfully sipped his own tea.
She nibbled on the tea cake until it was gone, and then picked up the cup to sip at it. The tea for once wasn't that bitter. Perhaps she was calm. Or her aura was pink. Whatever that meant.
She sipped the tea for several long minutes, before she set it down and looked at him, "I've been a horrible little monster."
But Azula wasn't done. She'd only just started, "The way I've treated you, and Zuko and Ty Lee and Mai. The people I profess to love. It's barbaric. I don't deserve family or friends like that."
She deserved to be betrayed, and locked away never to see the light of day, again.
Her aura was definitely not pink.
Iroh refreshed her cup when she put it down, nodding his head and listening a bit while she spoke, and saving any commentary until he was certain she had finished.
Then he tilted his head to the side, and sipped at his tea once more, before putting the cup down, "You have grown up under the shadow of one who does not understand how to love. Your grandfather was exactly the same. And it is no easy feat, raising children alone. I do not think your mother could handle the strain."
He held up a hand, "I, too, could have been paying attention sooner. I have done what I could, since. You are the product of the life you were given, Azula. But you are no monster. There are many redeeming qualities in you. I am proud to call you niece. I would be proud to call you daughter."
"You have a path before you that you can set entirely on your own. If you feel you have not shown us all the love and kindness we deserve, then now is the time to change this. But if you did not deserve love, then we would not love you. We do."
"Azulon?" She'd been named after him in both places. She wasn't that much different, really. Cut from grandfather's cloth. She shook her head at his words. How could she make the crazy old man understand? HOW?
"I'm so close to completely losing it, Uncle. My dreams they...what becomes of me there. I don't know if I should stay, or go somewhere far away to collect myself. I ruled by fear. I'm no friend."
"I have seen very few of these dreams. But that is a different world, and though there are many similarities between us all, we are also different people. The mistakes we made there, do not have to be made here."
Iroh poured himself more tea, blowing on it a bit to cool it before sipping it again. After a small pause, he continued, "Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself, and think of the things your brother says. Compare that to the things he said, in the dream world. In that place, all he could think about was his destiny. Destiny. This is a thing you find for yourself. Not a thing that your dreams have set in stone. Just as the path Ozai has put before you is not truly yours. You have to make your own fate. If you do not want to lose it, if you do not want to lose everything, then look within yourself."
"I'm sorry. I never treated you right there. I hurt you. Nearly killed you once." She looked down at her hands, which crackled with untold energy. In the end, none of it had mattered. None of it. Her father had turned from her, her friends, the woman she loved. She'd lost everything in some mad pursuit of power.
Was that what this was? Madness? To think of toppling Ozai....
"I don't like what I see within myself."
The tea cup in Iroh's hand was placed gently on the table at her admission, and he reached across to her side, gently cupping her cheek with his hand, "You do not have to apologize for the actions of some other person, in some other place. You are here, now, and you can be a better person here, if that is your wish. I have always believed in you. If you do not like the person you see, look to what it is we see in you, instead. Strive to become this person. The one we all find in you, the one waiting to come out."
He let her cheek go and got comfortable on his seat again, reclaiming his teacup, "You are my beautiful niece, and I love you. I always have, and I always will."
Whywhatwashedoinghwhywhywhy her mind was screaming. He was touching her. Azula, Princess of the Fire Nation! She jerked away, folding her arms and looking momentarily petulant, and silent. Her eyes darted around the room. She struggled to accept his words, given so unconditionally. How could he just say that? And mean it? Did he not understand the weight of those words?
"I don't know how to be that person," She admitted, finally. "I'm afraid worried that I'll somehow hurt someone." But the more she thought about it, the more appealing the idea became.
He tried to hide his own hurt at the way she recoiled as he lifted his teacup to his lips. She didn't know how to be that person, and needed guidance. But the way to get there was to keep looking inside of herself. He already knew how she felt about that.
"You may hurt someone, or you may not. You are the one in control of your own two hands. But you will definitely hurt yourself, further, the longer you look outside instead of within. You do not like what you see when you do this, but look long enough, and you will find the person you wish you were. She is buried deep within you, under several layers you fear, and hate. And there is no shame, my niece, in admitting that you are afraid. To yourself, at the very least."
It had been a gut reaction, something instilled in her for as long as she could remember. Trust, fear, love...Exclusive in all cases. She listened, working her throat as her Uncle talked. After a long silence, she said softly, "And what if I look inside and the only person there is the monster?"
"Trust me, Azula. I would not steer you wrong." Iroh rumbled.
“I....” Azula opened her mouth, then hesitated. She wanted to say she trusted him, but she wasn’t sure she knew how to say.
“I trust you.”
“And I trust you. To find that person, and become her, if that is what you wish. I will always be here to help.”
Azula changed the subject, abruptly, “Do you know... anything special I could do for Ty Lee? To show her what she means? I dreamed...”
Iroh rubbed his chin a bit, "I think anything you do with Ty Lee is special, to her. But perhaps we could all go out to dinner sometime. I would like to celebrate her triumphs, and I would like her to feel like she is part of our family. You allowing that would be special, too. She would greatly appreciate feeling included."
“Out to dinner? As a family? I hope you just mean us and Zuko.” She didn’t think either of her parents should be a part of this.
“And Mai. She needs us.” Iroh nodded, though. He agreed. Ozai and Ursa weren’t... technically part of the immediate family any longer.
“And Mai, of course,” She said, finishing her unvoiced thought. “She’s part of the family. If only Zu Zu would get on with it and marry her.”
Azula sounded genuinely interested in this. Like she actually was excited for it!
Iroh wasn't. That was likely because Iroh knew something that she, as of yet, did not. “She is, yes. It remains to be seen for how long, however.”
Azula frowned. Scowled, really, “What do you mean, how long?”
It was something he was loathe to speak about, actually, though he was quite certain that Azula would have been brought up to speed soon, anyway. His face took on an extremely disheartened expression, "I believe that Ozai will push Zuko to arrange such a marriage. Mai will not be pleased."
Azula snorted, "Then they should elope. That way it's their idea, and if they do it right it will piss off father." If she had her way, they could do a double wedding in Canada. The idea had a certain appeal.
"Frankly, I want to see him deposed."
"Think before you follow that path. Who would take his place? You? Zuko? You would be chained forever to the destiny of the Fire Nation if you did such a thing. And it cannot simply be left to fall apart. It has grown too large." Iroh looked even more disheartened. He hated thoughts like that, but sadly, they lived in a world where even doing the right thing had such negative consequences that sometimes, it simply wasn't worth doing. Not unless... or until... all of the pieces had fallen into place.
"If they wished to Elope, I would not stop them."
"There's no escape uncle, except through him! Can't you see that? And what if he gets this ...power." She balled her fist up, flame encircling it, casting an eerie blue glow on her face, "I refuse to be controlled by him any longer! I'm already chained to the fate of the nation." The fire went out, and she sat back with a weary sigh.
"And there's no one to replace him, but Zuko and I."
Iroh let out a long, very weary sigh, and nodded his head, "But if you do this thing, do it because it is your choice, not because he has left you with no other path. And I will help you both, however I can."
Azula resisted the urge to bury her face in her hands, “What about you, Uncle?”
The old man scratched his beard thoughtfully again, while pouring himself yet more tea. He hadn't wanted to be involved with all of this, but the truth was that he had never really left. Just like the rest of them, as much as they all tried to escape, they were bound. By family ties, if nothing else.
"My family is the most important thing in my life. Aside from my Tea House, I have no higher goal than to help you all become the strong, capable adults you were meant to be. If my brother must be dealt with..." He sighed, but there was resolve in his eyes, "Then so be it. He made his choices, and just like the rest of us, he must live with them. But I will not turn my back on you, and Zuko. I cannot lose you... any of you."
"You're right, we can't leave a void to fill if the nation collapses, and most of his advisors are almost as toxic," Azula said softly. She thought about..how unstable she could be. Still was, really. And with that kind of power and poisonous voices whispering in her ear....No, there had to be a check in place.
"What if we replaced him with a council?"
That idea actually made him raise his eyebrows a bit, then he was back to thoughtfully running his hand over his beard, "That is not a bad idea, Azula. There are many reasons why that would be an excellent thing to put into practice."
And there were other interested parties that would be more comfortable if all the power wasn't on one set of shoulders. Iroh had been brought up to speed on the CIA's interest in the Fire Nation. Setting up a council would make them all breathe more easily, he thought.
"Instead of a Fire Lord, a Fire Council." Perhaps things would have been different. Of course anyone who really knew councils knew they never, ever listen, but it was still better than Ozai being in charge.
Iroh nodded approvingly, “You and Zuko would both have to be on it, at least at first. You will not know in the beginning, who can be trusted and who cannot. I would also recommend an odd number instead of an even one. There is less of a chance of deadlocks in any voting, then."
"We keep it in the family," Azula replied. It seemed she had this all figured out, as long as he'd be willing to go along with it. "You, me, him. Until we find who to best replace you, and then us."
And with that, Iroh realised that she must have been planning this for at least a little while. Long enough to have already decided that he would have be involved like that. Sitting on a council was more involved than he probably would have wanted, but he could not back down now. He had already given his word.
"It sounds like you already have many plans. I think our next step would be to bring Zuko in on this, so that we are all on the same page."
Azula smiled, making an effort to not appear too devious, "That's a good idea, Uncle. It's funny how when I realize I don't want that power, is precisely when I need to have it."
"Power is never a good replacement for happiness or fulfillment," Iroh nodded, "But it can be a means to these ends, if you handle it correctly."
Azula was afraid. Afraid of betrayal, of trusting, but that was all she had left. She had to trust Ty Lee, and Zuko, Mai and Iroh, no matter how much she balked against it.
"Father would say it different." But she wasn't her father. She couldn't afford to be anymore.