Who: Elphaba and Luthien What: Shopping for baby Where: Target When: Early June Rating: Low Status: Complete
Elphaba still felt like she was woefully unprepared for what was to come. Looking after her step-son was one thing, but a newborn of her own creation...that was a whole other level of scariness. She’d managed to work up the nerve to go shopping with Luthien and she hadn’t been feeling too badly for the last week or so, which brought them to Target. Elphaba hoped to look around the store and find all the things they needed in one go, because she wasn’t sure she could face another trip. She hadn’t really told anyone quite how scared she was on what was to come. Taking Luthien’s hand and gripping it tightly as they walked in, she licked her lips as they headed to the baby department.
Even though they still had a few months to go until the actual due date, Luthien was a little worried. There was some concern with the doctors (and from herself for that matter) about Elphaba’s health during the pregnancy, but she seemed to be doing better now, and she couldn’t keep her wife cooped up all the time. She squeezed lightly, giving her a serene, reassuring look. “This will be fun. Relax.”
Elphaba smiled back at Luthien and took a deep breath as they walked. It was ridiculous really, people had been having children for generations, so there shouldn’t be any problems with Elphaba and her lone pregnancy should there. If she were honest, she felt like she had read so much information from books and the internet, she wasn’t sure what the best way to do things were, what the best products were or what the best techniques were. If she chose the wrong the wrong food at the wrong time would she give her kid an allergy or if she chose the wrong car seat would the baby be injured if she drove over a pothole or...the possibilities in Elphaba’s head were endless.
“I know, I’m just...nervous. Buying things we need makes it so much more...real, present, if you know what I mean,” Elphaba admitted, placing her other hand on the swell of her stomach where their baby lay.
“You are over thinking it. People have had babies for millions of years.” She put her hand over Elphaba’s, then leaned in and gave her a light kiss. She played up her accent to try to ease Elphaba’s mind. “We have a list, lets stick to it unless we see something really cute?”
Elphaba gave a little laugh and nodded. She loved when Lúthien let her accent come out more, it put her at ease. The list was a good idea and she was glad they’d compiled it before they left the house. “You know me, I’m always over-thinking,” she reminded her, squeezing her fingers gently. “How did you feel the first time?” she asked quietly. Elphaba had been hesitant to ask her much about her pregnancy, she knew it had been a tumultuous time for her after all.
“Sick, a lot of the time. I could barely get out of bed some days. It was much less dramatic in my dreams.” To see what she had missed out on had both amused and annoyed her. Lucky dream Luthien. “But it was worth it, in the end it was all worth it.”
She kissed Elphaba’s knuckles. “It will be worth it.”
“I know, I know, I’m just...scared? Nervous? Anxious?” Elphaba admitted quietly as they walked. “I have images in my head of my childhood and I’m worried I’m going to be no better than my own father and end up resenting our child for all of my own failings,” she told her wife shakily.
“That will not happen.” Luthien stopped, then pulled them to the side of the aisle so that they wouldn’t impede anyone passing by. She held Elphaba’s hand between both of hers, and stared deeply into her eyes. “You know what not to do, as do I. Together, we will do well for the baby, no matter what they might turn out to be.”
Elphaba nodded at Lúthien’s words. They always had the power to inspire, motivate and empower her. She often wondered if that was part of her Elfin powers or just Lúthien’s general amazingness. Elphaba pressed her lips together in a tight smile and rested her forehead against her wife’s. “Thank you. I have a feeling I’m going to need to be reminded of that in the months to come,” she told her honestly. “Either that or I need to start budgeting for a shrink,” she joked although it was probably logically the right thing to do. Didn’t want to raise a child with all of her baggage after all.
Luthien would joke that it was both. She was, after all, amazing. And humble. Sometimes. “If you wish to see someone, we can find someone. There’s no shame in seeking help if you need it. Even the best people sometimes need someone to talk to.” Luthien was too close to Elphaba to help her in any way but the way she always tried to. If her wife wanted professional help, she could have it.
“God, it sounds even worse when someone else says it,” Elphaba gave a short laugh at that and looked away. “Makes me feel like I’m crazy just admitting I might need to see someone, y’know?” she admitted sheepishly. A part of her hoped desperately hoped that other mothers felt this way when they were pregnant, but the more insidious part of her mind said that it was just her and she was a failure because of it. “Sorry,” her voice was strained with trying to hold in her anxiety and feeling her eyes starting to tear up. She put a hand to her mouth, trying to stop herself from crying in the middle of the shop.
“You’re not. It’s good to admit when you need help. I just wish I’d seen something sooner.” there was no judgement in Luthien’s voice, no loss of love in her eyes. The only disappointment she felt was in herself. Too wrapped up in her own head and heart to notice that Elphaba might not be doing as well. “Please, don’t be sorry.”
“It’s not you Lúthien, you know I tend to keep things to myself. It’s a hard habit to get out of,” Elphaba shrugged, rubbing her hands over her face as she schooled her expressions. “I can look at counselors or something when we get home,” she told her, before reaching back down for Lúthien’s hand. “For now, let’s get what’s on the list,” she smiled.
“As you wish.” She squeezed her hand, and led her down the aisle. Part of her tried to peg down if there’d been something she’d really missed. She should be better at picking up emotions and thoughts. Even just body language.
They got a strange look but Luthien assumed it was her height and nothing else. She had another thought. “Do you wish it to be a boy or girl? Would you like to find out?”
Elphaba smiled and placed a hand on her swollen stomach. “I don’t mind, so long as they’re healthy and happy what more could I ask for?” she told her wife. This kid needs as good a start in life as it can get with me for a mother, she thought to herself, still not convinced by her own ability in the task that lay ahead.
“Healthy and happy and driving us crazy,” Luthien said. She was certain that Dior would adore being an older brother, regardless of what it was. “I suspect that our children will conspire against us.”
Elphaba laughed at that. “Isn't that part of their job description?” she joked. “What about you? Do you have any preference?”
“I wouldn’t mind a girl,” she admitted. “Two lifetimes now I’ve raised a son. It would be nice to have a change of pace…” And she thought maybe to at least partly name her after her mother. If Elphaba didn’t have her own ideas.
Elphaba smiled at her wife. “A girl would be nice,” she agreed with a smile and nodded. “Did you want to find out? Before the birth I mean?” she asked. “I’d like to keep it a secret, but if you want to ask the doctor at the next scan I don’t mind,” she offered.
Luthien shook her head. “No.” She put her hand on Elphaba’s stomach, rubbing lightly. “Let us be surprised, and we will welcome them with open arms, no matter what.”
Elphaba stopped and cupped Lúthien’s cheek in her hand before pulling her forward for a soft, loving kiss. “I love you,” she said simply.
Luthien let the kiss linger, only breaking it long enough to whisper back, “I love you too.” She could say it a thousand times, hear it a thousand times, but it never got old. She was in love with the concept of love, almost as much as she was in love with her wife, and that was something that would never change.