Nasir (noturlittleman) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2016-05-28 21:51:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, !trigger warning, nasir, vanessa cleveland |
Who: Nasir and Vanessa
When: Recently
Where: His apartment
Ratings: Probably low but discussion of his past - warnings for discussion of kidnapping, slavery and sexual assault
Status: Complete when posted
Vanessa was looking forward to just getting to hang out with Nasir, watch bad movies on Netflix and catch up in a way they hadn’t been able to over the network. Her work schedule made it difficult but she had gotten off early that day, heading home to change and then driving over to Nasir’s. She stopped to pick up pizza from the place they both liked, resisting the smells coming out of the box as she drove and made her way up the stairs. Hopefully he was home already and she wouldn’t have to go back and get the spare key from where he hid it. She knocked on his door, knowing better than to just barge into his place even if he did know she was coming over.
***
Nasir had just gotten home himself, having stopped to pick up some soda on his way home. He was just toeing off his shoes when he heard the knock. It was either V or one of his neighbors or an extremely unfortunate but polite burgler, so he just called, “It’s open, come in, don’t trip over the soda.”
Smiling at V as she pushed the door open, he nodded at her. “Give me the pizza and let me put some of these in the fridge to get cold, go sit and pick us out something to watch.” It was a habit, to play this role, let other people relax while he did the work. Maybe he’d get himself out of it, but with people he cared about, like V and Buttercup and Max, he didn’t mind much at all.
***
Vanessa and Nasir definitely had a routine for their hangout nights and sometimes it bugged her that he wanted to do all the work while she just relaxed but she was definitely learning that was just how Nasir was. And it wasn’t like she didn’t do the same thing when people came to hang out at her house. She handed him the pizza with a quick smile before heading into the living room to find something on netflix for them to watch. “So - horror, comedy or netflix roulette?” she called towards his kitchen as she took off her shoes and made herself at home. “Also - how did your finals go?”
***
“Roulette,” Nasir replied with a grin - it always resulted in the worst movies for them to go all Masterpiece Theatre on, which were the best for hangout nights, in all honesty. He put a few sodas in the fridge to get cold and pulled out two for now, retrieving plates and glasses for the both of them. “How many slices do you want?”
He just sighed and shook his head. “As well as they could, all things considered. At least I was in my own body for them, didn’t have to get Carolina to sit them for me or try and convince my teachers that it was actually me. I’ll pass them all and they’re over, so I’m washing my hands of them.”
***
Vanessa pulled up her Flix Roulette app on her phone and set it to spinning so that it would find something for them to watch. Something random that they could make fun of or talk through or maybe, as unlikely as it might be, something actually decent. “Start me off with two,” she called back, glancing back and forth between her phone and the television to make sure she got the title right that the program had given her.
She took her plate from him when Nasir came back in the living room. “Sounds like a good plan. And that means - you get to tell me all about Max.” She said with a grin.
***
Two it was. Nasir dished up her serving and then piled some on his own plate as well - he was hungry okay? Sue him. He could eat as much pizza as he damn well pleased.
He rolled his eyes as he sat down, passing her plate and drink over. “Devious. Did you only come over so you could get the dirt out of me?” He nudged her with his elbow. “At least let me eat first and decide that this is horrible enough to ignore.”
***
Vanessa didn’t care how much of the pizza Nasir ate. She’d probably get more herself once these two slices were gone, two had just sounded like a good number to start with. She’d honestly be surprised if there was any of the pizza left at the end of the night. There wasn’t usually.
“Not only so I could get dirt. I also wanted to find out about finals. And I like messing with that one neighbor of yours. She’s so bitchy everytime she sees me. It’s kind of fun to be nice to her and see her getting angrier. And angrier and angrier because of it.” She told him with a grin. Petty? Juvenile? Probably but that woman had started it when she’d started accusing Vanessa of trying to ruin Nasir’s relationship with...Bubbles? Was that the other girls name? Vanessa hadn’t paid that much attention to it other than to find it amusing.
“Alright. I guess I can wait until after you eat. And we can figure out just how tolerable this movie is.” She didn’t have high hopes from the description but it might surprise them.
***
Well if she wasn’t arguing then Nasir wasn’t either, and he eagerly (and quite gracefully) shoved half a slice in his mouth, rolling his eyes as he chewed. “One of these days she’s going to kill me for that. ‘How can you do this to such a sweet girl! With so many women, including her sister! And even a man!’ She crossed herself at me the other day. I’m blaming you for that.”
He nodded to her gratefully and toasted her with the rest of his slice before chowing down. He knew that he would have had to spill eventually - he was surprised that it hadn’t happened sooner, actually. It was just...what he had with Max, it was so new, and moreover, it was his and he wanted to hold onto it for a little while before he had to share it with anyone. In retrospect, flirting where everyone could see it was probably not helping with that quest. Whoops. “I’m guessing barely tolerable, honestly. They usually are. Good for gossiping over, honestly.”
***
Vanessa pulled out her best innocent face at Nasir’s comment. “I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’ve never done anything to make her think that there’s anything going on between you and I!” Which was partly true. She’d never done anything until after the woman had started insulting her. She just didn’t get why people seemed to have such a problem with the idea that a man and a woman could be just friends. Sure she and Nasir were close but they were still just friends. “And she was probably crossing you because of someone else. Like her sister,” she said, shrugging as she kept eating her pizza. “Or Max because - she seems super religious and those people seem to be kind of judgey about it. Personally I think he’s cute and what I’ve seen you’re nauseatingly sweet together.” And she was pretty sure that if he ever hurt Nasir, her friend was more than capable of taking care of it himself.
“Barely tolerable at most is my bet. And I like the phrase talking over. Unless you have juicy news about people I don’t like. Then you have to spill before telling me the good stuff.”
***
Nasir rolled his eyes, but he had a fond smile on his face. “I like to think that I know you well enough that you’d know that that face doesn’t work on me. I know how evil you really are.” He poked her with his foot and shook his head. “Nope, blaming you. You’re the original. You’ve inspired me to evil.” He blushed a little, at her comment though, hiding behind his pizza. “He’s sweet,” he agreed with a small smile. It was a slight understatement of the facts.
“It depends on who you don’t like, I’ll see what I know. But sure, we’ll call it ‘talking over’ if you want, to humor you.”
***
“It was worth a shot,” Vanessa said laughing as she reached for her soda. She almost choked on her soda when he said that about inspiring him to evil, waiting until her coughing fit passed before speaking. “You’re the one bringing all these girls to your apartment. I didn’t inspire that. I just...encouraged you to make friends,” she said brightly. “You seem happy.”
“There’s really not that many people I don’t like here in California. There’s this one guy who comes by the diner but he doesn’t sit at any of my tables anymore.”
***
“I can’t help it that women naturally flock to me. Or I meet one girl at the gym who then introduces me to her sister and another girl rescues me from a flock of talking birds, and they all insist on showing up at my apartment. At least you give me warning. Buttercup normally just barges in at horrible hours of the morning.” Nasir ducked his head, smile growing. “I am happy. The happiest I’ve been in a long time.” And he knew he was incredibly lucky, too.
He straightened up a little, smile morphing into a dangerous smirk. “Let me know if that changes, I’ll be happy to come have a chat with him.”
***
“It’s the hair. That long hair is a huge draw. I just want to play with it,” Vanessa said teasing him gently, a grin on her face. She got serious when he mentioned the birds though, remembering some of the things that the bird had said to him, the voice when it had spoken to him and how it had affected him. She bit down on her lip, wanting to ask about it but he’d wanted to watch the movie before they actually talked about things. Give it a chance while they ate their pizza. “I still need to meet her. Buttercup sounds like fun. And I think you said she sometimes bring donuts. Which makes her awesome as far as I’m concerned.”
She reached out to touch his wrist gently when she saw him duck his head. “I’m glad you’re happy. And you know if you ever want to talk about...whatever happened, I’m here. Right?” she asked, pulling her hand away. “You’ll be the second person I tell if this guy starts being a problem again. First is Rogue.”
***
“I’d be offended but I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason a lot of people like me.” Nasir shook his head, giving an over-exaggerated roll of his eyes. Although, he knew that it was true for some people at least - he’d been forced to grow it out by his ‘master’, after all, but he also liked how it looked. And V was right, it was fun to play with.
Nasir noticed her shift in mood but didn’t question it, blaming it on the birds - he was still bothered by the memories of it himself, although he’d gotten a wonderful friendship out of it so he couldn’t argue too much. “Buttercup is something else. But she does bring donuts. And burritos, sometimes. She knows that food convinces me to do a lot of things.”
He swallowed at her touch, and her offer, biting his lip. His therapist kept making noises at him about a support system and opening up to other people. And he was sure that V would be supportive, definitely, and she wouldn’t treat him any differently, but...it was hard. “Some other time,” he said, waving it off. “It’s nothing important. Let’s see just how bad this movie it, huh?”
***
“Burritos sometimes? See now I know you’ve just been hogging, wanting to keep all the tasty foods for yourself. I see how it is.” Vanessa said, pretending to be mad at him about it, but the way her face slipped into a grin probably ruined that. “Food is definitely a great motivator in getting you to do things. Even I’ve figured that out. Which is why I always bring pizza.”
“A deal’s a deal. I did agree to check out the movie before we talked,” she said, starting up the movie. She glanced at him as the movie started. “Anytime you’re ready to talk - even 4 in the morning. Just...don’t expect me to be my normal bubbly self.”
***
“Yeah but she brings them by at like, six in the morning. Not even burritos are tasty at ungodly hours.” Nasir poked her with his foot, again, smiling right back. “And here I thought it was just because you wanted to be nice to me.”
He nodded, reaching out to squeeze her hand with a small smile and a nod of things. He turned to the screen, fully intending to watch the movie. But it was all in French and frankly his brain was done with reading for a few weeks at least so the subtitles didn’t really help, and he couldn’t follow much of the story. He zoned out a little and was considering grilling V about her life, as a fair turnabout, when his eyes refocused on the screen to see the character on his computer, typing something. He was obviously talking to someone in a chatroom or something, and it was innocuous but something just...clicked, in Nasir’s brain, and suddenly he was sixteen years old, grieving and seeking comfort and finding anything but, and his breath was coming too fast and tears were welling in his eyes.
Goddammit. He’d been doing so well too. “Turn it off,” he managed to get out. “Please just - turn it off, please.”
***
Vanessa wrinkled her nose when he said six am. “There is no reason for anyone to wake somebody else up that early. Talk to me at 7. Maybe.” She held up her hand, fingers only a little distance apart. “A little bit just to be nice to you. I also just really like pizza.” It was easy joking around with Nasir like this, teasing each other, just getting to relax and not have to worry so much about how something she said might be taken.
She wasn’t paying much attention to the subtitles, making up her own story to go with the images on the screen but Nasir’s request pulled her out of her thoughts as she hurried to grab the remote and stop the movie, hitting it twice by mistake so it took them back to the main menu. She turned towards him, hand reaching out but stopping just short of touching him when she saw how distressed he was. She placed her hand down on the couch just beside his shoulder. “Nasir? What’s wrong?” she asked, worry obvious in her voice as she looked at her friend’s face.
***
Nasir shook his head, hand clamped over his mouth, trying to keep himself together and hold it all in. It was such a stupid little thing to get so worked up over but he was two seconds away from losing it and V looking at him like that wasn’t help.
He took his hands away from his mouth to try and reassure her that he was fine and definitely not crazy, but all that came out of his mouth was a sob so, looks like it was best not to try that. Instead, he curled in on himself, pressing his face into his knees to try and muffle the stupid noises coming out of him. Goddammit.
***
Vanessa bit down on her lip as she watched Nasir curl in on himself that way. She moved their dishes off the couch just to be safe and moved a little closer to him, reaching out a little hesitantly to touch his shoulder gently. She didn’t want to startle him anymore, upset him anymore than he already obviously was. “Nasir - are you okay? Do I need to call anyone?” she asked quietly.
***
The touch was what did him in, soft and caring and exactly what he did and didn’t need; with a ragged sob Nasir just let it go, weeping bitterly. There was just no stopping it. He shook his head at her question. He didn’t want anyone else seeing him like this, even Max - he knew it was stupid because Max was actually trained to help with this kind of stuff, but he liked to pretend that he had it more together than he did. Unhealthy? Sure, probably, but wallowing didn’t help him either. He just...sometimes he had instances like this and then he was fine for a while. He just knew what to avoid from now on.
Didn’t help in the here and now, though. He just...needed to calm down. Remember the breathing exercises his therapist kept talking to him about. Of course he couldn’t remember any of them at the moment. Fuck.
***
Vanessa didn’t know what to do when Nasir started crying harder. Except for rubbing his back and sliding a little closer to her friend on the couch, making soft sounds like she did with her younger siblings when they’d been upset. “What can I do to help?” she asked quietly. She didn’t know what was wrong but some part of her realized that asking him that question right now wouldn’t get an answer. Not while he was this upset.
***
Nasir shook his head, leaning into her touch before finally giving in and leaning against her, still curled up on himself. The contact was helping him, bringing him back to the present, he just...needed to cry about it a little more, apparently.
But eventually he quieted, on the occasional hitch of breath or sniffle, and he swiped at his nose with his sleeve. “Sorry,” he croaked out, before turning to her with a faux-cheery smile. “Let’s watch something else?”
***
Vanessa just held him while he cried, wishing there was more that she could do to help her friend. More than just sitting here and rubbing his back and trying to soothe him this way. She wanted to call Max, sure that she’d find his contact info in Nasir’s phone but he’d told her no when she’d asked if he wanted her to and she wasn’t going to contact the man since Nasir had made it very clear he didn’t want her too. Not right now for this.
She pulled back a little when she felt him wiping at his nose that way. She bit down on her lip, trying not to just blurt out the first thing that came to mind. She shook her head at his question, trying to think of the best way to phrase what was running through her mind. “I think we should talk about what happened. Are you okay? What got you so upset?”
***
Nasir chuckled, dark and bitter. “I’d rather not, but I guess I’m not going to get out of it.” He sniffled again and found his napkin, wiping his nose on that instead. “Fuck. Alright. My brother, we were...we were close. When I was a kid we moved around all the time, and my parents worked a lot. He was really the only person I could rely on. And…” He paused to wipe his eyes again, cursing under his breath. “Goddamn, get it together Nasir. He died when I was sixteen. Car accident. I didn’t take it very well.” He cleared his throat. Understatement.
“I...started failing my classes, skipping school. Everything. I just didn’t feel like anything was right anymore. And I hurt, so much, and I felt so worthless and I...I got into something stupid. I met a man, online, and he - “
He clammed up, just thinking about the next part, and had to take several deep breaths before pressing his hands over his face. “Shit, sorry, I…” It was ridiculous. He’d had to repeat this story over and over again in court, he’d told his therapist, he’d managed to tell Max, and it all had worked out pretty well. And he still couldn’t get the words out, no matter how he tried.
***
Vanessa hated the sound of that bitter chuckle and a part of her wanted to tell him to forget it but she really did think it would help him to talk about it. At the very least it would help her figure out ways to help him avoid reacting like this in the future. Getting upset like this in the future. She kept her hand on his back gently as she shifted so that she was looking into his face as they sat there, just letting him get control of himself so he could start talking. So he could tell her what had upset him so badly when they were watching the movie. She felt tears building up in her eyes, threatening to fall as he talked about his brother. And how he’d reacted to his death.
“And the kid on the movie, he was talking to someone online and it reminded you of…” she took a deep breath, and wiped her face before speaking again. “I’m so sorry Nasir,” she whispered. “You don’t...I think I can figure out what happened next. How long did he - how long were you there?”
***
Nasir reached out and snagged her napkin as well, handing it over. At least they matched, he felt slightly less bad about crying if someone else was joining him.
“Yeah, it’s - it’s stupid, I know, it just surprised me and something clicked wrong in my head.” He was glad that she got it, because he knew that what he’d done was absolutely brain-dead idiotic and saying it out loud always made it even worse. The follow-up question was a little worse, though, and he scrubbed at his eyes. “Four years,” he said, softly. “And for a lot of that time I liked it. I was so proud of myself. I was a good little slave,” he all but spit the word, “and when it all came crashing down I lost my fucking mind. At least this was before I knew how to fight so I didn’t do any damage to anyone, but all the same.”
Nasir took a deep breath and scrubbed at his face once more, before wiping his eyes and sitting up straight, trying to compose himself. “So. That’s my sob story.”
***
Vanessa murmured a thank you when he handed her the napkin, wiping her face and then reaching to touch his arm gently. “It’s not stupid. And now we know to try and avoid those movies,” she said firmly. She wasn’t quite sure how they could actually avoid them because it wasn’t likely that they’d have it in the movie description if it had a scene that might trigger him this way. She rubbed his arm gently when he started talking again, wiping her eyes again when he answered her question. “Nasir…” she stopped and leaned over to give him a quick hug. Sitting back and just looking at him before speaking.
“You’re not there anymore. And if anyone says anything bad about you, what you did when you were there - I will personally make them pay. Even if I have to spit gum in their hair so they have to get their heads shaved,” she said, hoping it would make him laugh. Or at least smile. “It’s not a sob story. It’s part of your history. A really really shitty part and I’m hoping that son of a bitch paid for all of it.”
***
“Normally I’m okay, I just wasn’t expecting it. Teach me not to Google movies before I watch them.” Nasir accepted the hug, wanting to cling a little for comfort but letting her go when she pulled back. He didn’t want to hold her where she didn’t want to be - he was all too aware of how that could affect someone, and he was the last person who would inflict that on anyone.
The gum idea did get a bit of a smile out of him. “I don’t exactly tell a lot of people about it. You and Max, a couple of therapists, a few police officers and lawyers, that’s about everyone that knows. So unless someone’s willing to break confidentiality rules, I think I’m pretty safe. But if you want to use me as an excuse to spit gum at people, go right ahead.” He shook his head; he felt guilty about it, and about a lot of other things, but she’d dealt with enough of his issues tonight without dragging anything else up. “In prison right now, awaiting trial, no bond, and if he wiggles out of it then I’ll get a restraining order. Or maybe he should take one out on me, since if I ever see him again I’m going to have to invoke the alibi clause in our friendship. Especially now that I have something I could actually do damage to him with and I know how to use it.” Mostly. He was getting better with the spear anyway.
***
Vanessa wouldn’t have minded if Nasir had held on to her for a little longer. She’d pulled back because knowing what he’d been through, what that asshole had done to him and she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by accident. By touching him if he didn’t want to be touched. “Learning experience - netflix roulette followed by googling the movie before we start.” She was surprised they hadn’t learned before this that they needed to do that. They’d gotten lucky she guessed.
“If someone breaks confidentiality rules it’s going to be a lot worse than gum,” she said, that normal lightness in her tone gone. She meant what she said. She reached for his hand when she saw him shake his head, squeezing it gently. “I mean it. You were 16 and hurting and that son of a bitch took advantage of that. Of you,” Vanessa said quietly. She’d never been through anything like what her friend had but she’d seen enough kids growing up in foster care who blamed themselves for the things that people had done to them: parents, guardians, boyfriends/girlfriends. She knew she might not be able to stop him blaming himself but she could make sure he knew she didn’t blame him. And she was pretty sure Max didn’t either. He hadn’t struck her as that type of person but she wanted to talk to him, find out if he thought there was anything else she could do to help.
“If he ever gets out of prison we’ll both be needing that clause because I’ll be finding someone/someplace to hide the body.” She promised him. She hoped it wouldn’t come to that because just the little bit Nasir had told her...she hoped that son of a bitch rotted in jail.
***
“Sounds like a plan.” Nasir managed to give her a watery smile. “Hopefully we won’t need to have this little adventure again.”
He chuckled, shaking his head. “Thanks, V. It means a lot. Even if you do sound a little bit like my therapist.” He didn’t believe her, but he wasn’t sure he ever would, no matter how much he heard people say it.
“I’ll let Max know, so he can be warned. But I’m...I’m hoping I just can try and forget about him.” He doubted he ever would, but the more time that he spent out here, with people who cared about him and who he felt safe around, the easier it was to put it out of mind, until something like this happened. And he’d like to do that now. He took a deep breath. “Let’s find something else to watch, huh?”
***
“Only fun adventures from now on. Or at least adventures that don’t end with us crying. At least we’d finished our pizza? Because - tear pizza? No thanks,” Vanessa said, trying to regain the light mood of earlier as she gave him a kind of tight smile.
“Maybe that’s what I need to study if I go back to school. I might be good at it,” she said with a shrug.
“Have you ever watched Animaniacs? It’s about the most mindless cartoon I can think of but it always makes me smile. And I’m pretty sure that all of it’s available to watch on Netflix.” She said, reaching for the remote again, she thought she could understand Nasir wanting to find something else to watch. And mindless entertainment might be something he needed right now. She pulled up the show but didn’t start it until after he agreed, settling back into the couch cushions to watch.