"Why?"
Who: Azula, Ty Lee What: Piecing together dreams. Ty Lee tries to talk Azula out of her tree When: After mirrors were smashed Where: London Status: Complete Rating: PG-13 Warnings: Spoilers for A:TLA
Azula wasn't even trying to keep her sobbing quiet. She was so lost in the other world - in the betrayal, in her hallucination of her mother and all that that had meant and made her realize, that she didn't even think about anyone else being able to hear.
Her mind pieced together those last events. After she'd locked her friends away, she'd led an attack on the Western Air Temple. The battle had been ferocious, but they'd escaped her. It only contributed to her insanity. And then came the comet, and she was ready to stand by her father's side at last assuming her rightful place, only to be shot down. Phoenix King, he'd called himself. She'd watched her hopes fly away on an airship, and then had to ask herself what she'd wanted to begin with.
She hadn't had an answer to that, and dismissed the question. There was a short gap in her memories, before the hallucination, and the battle with her brother, then finally her incarceration. How long had she been in there? Weeks? Months? Before anyone paid her a visit.
The thought of that visit, and the emotions and epiphanies that surrounded it only made her cry harder. They'd left her again and she didn't even know if they'd ever come back.
The sounds of glass shattering had awoken Ty Lee from a dream that she could only describe as difficult. Immediately alarmed, she'd jumped up out of the bed and practically barrel-rolled to the bathroom, tossing a towel over Azula to protect her exposed body from the pieces of the mirror that were still falling.
She looked down at her lover, then, unsure what to do or what to say, or if Azula was even aware of her presence. She could already guess what had caused her to bust the mirror up like that, if her own dreams last week had been any indication.
But she hoped that wasn't the case, because in the dreams, she'd had to do the unthinkable, and Azula had reacted in the only way the woman knew how. She squeezed her eyes shut, the images running through her head completely unbidden: Mai pinning the guards and stopping the cables from falling, betraying the Fire Nation to save Zuko. Azula reacting with anger, and hurt. Mai reacting the way Mai reacts to everything, but with a stubborn steely-ness to her that Ty Lee had admired - all of the actions on Mai's part had been brave, and something to admire.
Blades flashing in the light of the sun as Mai prepared to defend herself. I guess you miscalculated, I love Zuko more than I fear you, She'd said, cooly. And Azula had reacted with even more anger, No, YOU miscalculated! You should have feared ME more!
How many times in your life do you have to make a decision like this, Ty Lee had wondered, watching the two girls prepare for battle. They had been young, and stupid, and they were still young, and stupid at times. Ty Lee knew she at least had been on many occasions naive. But in that second, they'd all grown up. Mai loved Zuko - she'd do whatever she had to, to defend that love.
Ty Lee loved Azula. She loved her. I love you more than I fear you, she'd realised, while standing there watching them. And she couldn't let Azula do it. She'd been about to shoot lightning at one of her best friends. As much as Azula would never forgive her for what she was about to do, Ty Lee knew Azula would never forgive herself for hurting Mai, either.
So without another thought, she'd disabled her. It wasn't the hardest decision she'd make in her life. But it was definitely one of the harder ones.
I know that all your life has been pain.
That's what she'd told Azula, later at the mental health facility, when she'd gone to visit. The Ty Lee in the present world let out a long sigh and blinked tears out of her eyes. Carefully, she wrapped some towels around her hands and started brushing the glass on the floor away, so she could get closer to Azula.
"Azula...I'm here...It's me, I'm here, can you hear me?"
There wasn't much that Azula thought she couldn't handle. But having her assumptions thrown into her face, her beliefs questioned, her heart ripped from her chest all at once. It was too much. She felt utterly humiliated and worthless. The monster she believed herself to be. Ty Lee's voice broke into her state, and she shuffled away, not caring if she cut herself. She clenched her hands under her arms in some desperate fear that she might lash out and burn Ty Lee. She couldn't trust herself. And if she couldn't trust herself, then she couldn't trust anyone.
She'd been fifteen, and locked away like an animal. Zuko and Aang had argued, inadvertently close enough for her to hear. Zuko had defended her. Defended her. Said that if they took away her bending it would destroy her, and leave no hope for redemption.
Azula didn't feel like she deserved that redemption, or her brother's pity, but he'd been right that it would have destroyed her. Somehow, she would have killed herself, even if she'd had to chew a hole in her wrist. Her fire was everything to her.
But so was Ty Lee.
Hoarsely, she whispered, "Stay away. I don't want you to see me like this." Was it her mother, or Ty lee she was talking to?
"I've already seen you like this," Ty Lee murmured, wincing a bit at all the glass and worried for Azula's safety. She swept more of it away underneath the sinks, but her only real focus was getting to Azula. If she cut her own feet a little in the process, it was a small price to pay.
When the glass was mostly cleared off to one side, she carefully sat next to Azula and pulled the woman against her with arms strong enough to force the issue if Azula decided to fight back against her. Hopefully, she wouldn't have to. But Azula needed her right now, whether she wanted to admit it, or not.
"I love you, and I'm not staying away."
"You left," She rasped, confused and angry. "You betrayed me and then you kissed me and you left."
It wasn't clear which it was that she was referring to, but she asked, "Why?"
For a moment, it felt like she was in that cell again, the walls closing in on her.
"You were about to make the biggest mistake of your life," Ty Lee whispered, her hand rubbing in circles against Azula's back, "And I couldn't let you. I loved you more than I feared you. You needed me to love you."
Ty Lee's words pierced Azula's chest, the pain sudden enough to make her gasp aloud. Her fingers dug into Ty Lee's arm suddenly, her nails biting deep, "Who are you to make that decision for me?! The one time you defy me, the one time you stand up for yourself, the one thing besides your heart I really wanted from you and it had to be THAT, it had to be THEN! I loved you and you, and you..."
A gasp of pain punctuated Ty Lee's words in response, but she didn't let go, "Azula, it was the second hardest decision I ever had to make. But you were about to kill the only other best friend you ever had. And if you hated me forever after that, it would have been okay, if only to keep you from hating yourself that much more."
Second? What could be harder than that? She couldn't answer if she hated Ty Lee. She just didn't know if she did. If she wanted to. What she would do if she lost them. All of them.
Even Zuko.
In an almost fearful voice, she asked, "What was the hardest thing?"
Another whispered response, “Leaving you in that place, later on.”
Azula pulled her head away, to stare at Ty Lee. In that moment, she looked like an older version of herself in that place. Older, but no less weary and no less distraught. That crazed, broken look was in her eyes, the same ones that Ty Lee had stared into.
There was a narrow ledge and they balanced on the precipice. Fresh tears pricked at Azula's eyes, "We were so young. We gave up so much and what was left but ruin?"
Mai and Zuko and Jubilee were right. They were all right. Ty Lee deserved better than her. She wasn't strong, she was weak and she always had been.
"Ruin was the only thing I could bring. Ruin is the only thing I can bring."
"... well I don't think that's true. I was in the prison for a while, but good came out of that. Maybe good comes out of you being in that place. Maybe you get better, and ... maybe when you do, you don't have to try so hard to be something you aren't."
Ty Lee's tone was gentle, and her hand had never stopped rubbing Azula's back.
"No. no..." How could she be something she wasn't, when she didn't know what she was? Azula tried to push Ty Lee away, but the feebleness of the gesture betrayed her heart.
"I should..I should have killed you two. Or worse. It would have taken a word, a look. Signing a piece of paper."
“You never would have done it, Azula. You loved us too much. I think in time you would have realised that we weren’t trying to betray you. Betray the Fire Nation, maybe... but I only ever cared about you, Mai, and Zuko.” Ty Lee shrugged the shoulder that wasn’t rubbing Azula’s back.
"I was the Fire Nation," Azula whispered, but there was no conviction in her voice. Ty Lee was right. She never would have done it. Once the moment had passed, and she'd had time to think. She never would have done it.
Somehow that made her feel worse.
But she'd taken the betrayals personally. She still was taking them personally. Had they even happened? Was Ty Lee even telling the truth?
“You were Azula, my lifelong friend, someone I loved and admired, even when you hurt me, or tried to manipulate me with fear. I understood why you did those things. I understood you. And I had to do it, Azula. To stay true to my feelings for you, I had to.”
A light kiss was pressed against the top of Azula’s head. Ty Lee wasn’t sure what else to say on the matter. She’d never seen it the way Azula had, and wasn’t sure she ever could. What kind of person lets their lover kill her best friend?
Azula remained quiet, Ty Lee's lips causing a burning sensation on her scalp. This was a different sort of confession, not in the moment and over text. Loved, and admired. The first had been something she'd yearned for and the second...the second she'd never even thought about. She hadn't asked to be understood. She hadn't even wanted to be understood. But Ty Lee had somehow gotten close enough to her to understand, despite her best efforts.
The only words that came to Azula were simple, "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, Azula." Ty Lee ruffled her fingers through Azula's hair, then got up, and held her hand out to her, "Let's get you up and make sure you're not cut anywhere, alright?"
Azula stared up at Ty Lee’s gymnast’s body. She always marveled at her slimness and the toned hardness of her muscles. Somehow, despite that the girl tended to come off as soft, and delicate. Desire mixed with self-loathing, and Azula bubbled with anger at herself, her family, and the circumstances she found herself in. She opened her mouth to sneer, to say something mean. What came out surprised her.
“I wish you’d made love to me, in that place.”
I wish I'd known you loved me at all in that place. The thought came to Ty Lee's mind so quickly that she almost felt like it had slapped her. Tears pricked at her eyes momentarily - the girl in that place had been confused for a long time about so many things. It had never occurred to her that Azula shared her feelings.
Azula didn't know how to show them. Or maybe it just hadn't been allowed. The closest she'd ever come was Zuko, and that was a mistake. It had never been the same, and had almost ruined their friendship, too.
She chewed back the words that had come to her mind, and instead pulled Azula to her feet. After checking over a few minor scratches, she hugged the woman against her, "We might have. My memories aren't ... complete. Maybe yours aren't, either. There's always hope."
Begging for her to come back hadn't been enough, even if it was Azula begging. Looks, glances, stolen observations, none of it had been enough. Azula had just assumed that since Ty Lee was so boy crazy it wasn't an option. While there are many things she could force, that wasn't one of them.
"I don't want hope, I want certainty."
Azula pushed Ty Lee against the wall, their naked bodies pressed together for a dizzying moment, then she pulled away, and whispered, "Take it out on me. The frustration, the hurt, take it out on me!"
Few times in her life had Ty Lee ever put her foot down, and this was one of them, "I don't want to take it out on you. There's nothing to take out on you, that other life isn't our lives. And if you want me to make love to you, if you need me to make love to you, then it's going to BE nice, gentle lovemaking, in a bed, not here against the bathroom wall."
"You never complained before."
"This is different, Azula."
Ty Lee's tone indicated that she absolutely wasn't budging on this.
Frustrated, Azula turned, melting some of the mirror in a burst of blue flame, "That's the last thing I deserve!"
Little orbs of flame danced around her torso, casting her skin in an eerie blue glow.
"I'm going to hurt you some day. I've already hurt you." She choked on her own words, "Leave me."
"I won't do that, Azula. That's the last thing I should do." Ty Lee started walking toward her, blue flame be damned.
Azula laughed tiredly, "You've grown a backbone. I guess I get what I ask for."
The flames parted, letting Ty Lee in, before surrounding them again like a burning embrace. Their heat was the only thing keeping Azula's cheeks dry.
Not turning to face her, Azula said, "My father would demand things. Concessions. Little fake acts."
"We're already working to get out from under all of that. It's better if I work with you than not at all." Ty Lee wrapped her arms around Azula. She'd grown a backbone over some things, certainly, but she didn't feel the need to comment about it.
The flames puttered out as Azula sagged against Ty Lee. She closed her eyes, letting the feel of Ty Lee's heart soothe her.
When she opened her eyes, she could see her mother smiling at her from the shattered fragments of the mirror.
Turning in Ty Lee's arms, she kissed her, then murmured, "I'd like to try that gentle thing you mentioned."
Ty Lee swept Azula up into her arms, and smooched her forehead, "You'll enjoy this, promise."
With that, she started carrying her out of there and off to the bed!
Azula was completely taken off guard by Ty Lee's strength. She wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed her.
It was a kiss of forgiveness, and a plea for the same.