¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (chakram) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2016-04-12 21:26:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, callisto, xena |
I was a terrible person and did terrible things, and then I died.
Who: Xena and Callisto
What: They share the dream where Callisto dies. The first time.
When: 4/11
Where: Xena's condo
Status: Complete
Rating: Pg-13
Callisto’s dreams were slow on coming, but she didn’t mind that. It tended to give her time to process what happened in them. Or, perhaps a better word for it was fixating on. She’d go over the details of her dreams multiple times a day. And she was losing her grip on herself. Her dream self was broken beyond repair, and if Callisto wasn’t careful, she’d end up the same way.
Though she didn’t precisely care if she ended up broken like that. It would probably provide her a way out of life, or she’d be in jail and not have to be Xena’s problem anymore. Some days when she was more herself, she did think she was becoming a problem for Xena. But those thoughts never stayed overly long before other feelings came and pushed them away.
But the dream she had tonight was one she’d wondered if it would happen. Breaking out of jail. Of course, the security hadn’t been as difficult as it was in the here and now, but she’d still been strapped into that chair for the guards’ safety. At least until she took the dagger from one of them and let herself out.
Then it was off to rebuild her army and go back to her old ways and planning to kill Xena’s soul piece by piece. Which started with Gabrielle. Or, to be precise, that new husband Gabrielle had had. Callisto had killed him then took off when Xena arrived. Everything had been going according to Callisto’s plan, but of course Xena had thwarted it.
A chariot chase had transpired between the two of them, and culminated in them both rolling down a sandy hill and landing in quicksand. Xena had pulled herself out, but she left Callisto to sink beneath the sand. Callisto had screamed out Xena’s name as she sunk beneath the sand and suffocated to death.
And in her own bed, Callisto’s lungs were full of sand and she herself had ceased to breathe.
It had been one of the hardest choices Xena had made. But she remembered how broke Gabrielle had been. Even if she'd felt the marriage had been too sudden, it was still heartbreaking to see her friend like that. And the threat to her from Callisto would be omnipresent.
So she'd let Callisto die, when she might have been able to save her.
When Xena had woken up she'd called out Gabrielle's name. Then she pressed a finger to her forehead before getting out of bed. "Callisto?"
Chances are she'd dreamed the same events, Xena thought. She was prepared for a fight and to subdue her friend. She slipped into Callisto's room, but Callisto lay still.
"...oh no."
Callisto wasn't breathing. Xena checked for obstruction, then started to give her air. Part of her thought that maybe she should let Callisto die. It would be what she wanted.
The selfish part didn't want her friend to die.
Death had been an end, at least. It meant that Callisto didn’t have to live any longer. And despite her screams and her pleas to Xena to help her, she was content about dying. It had been a wish of hers ever since Xena’s army had blazed through her village. And in many ways, Callisto had actually died that day with her family.
There was an odd sense of peace as Callisto was in between states. Though something was pulling her back to herself. Dying would make it easier for Xena in the long run, and it would be easier for Callisto because she wouldn’t be losing the fight for her sanity anymore.
But as air was breathed into her, she found that she couldn’t die yet. Someone cared enough to try and save her life.
“Come on, you’re too stubborn to die,” Xena hissed. She checked for a pulse, then for breath, then pressed her lips to Callistos to breath more life into her. Come on! A part of her knew it would be easier to let her die. Xena shouted that part down.
Xena wasn’t wrong, Callisto was stubborn. And she came back to herself and felt Xena’s lips on hers. At least in the instant before gasping for breath and coughing began. She was violently coughing, some sand coming up. But there were definite signs of life happening, though she needed air and to get the sand out of her lungs so those signs of life didn’t get snuffed out again.
Xena rolled Callisto onto her stomach, massaging and patting her back. "That's it, that's it. Cough it all out. Thank god...."
This was...well it was the worst. It wasn't the first time Xena had confronted death, nor even the most personal. Yet it felt more personal than most of the others.
The violent coughing was enough to make her want to throw up. But she managed to not throw up and instead just coughed out the sand in between gasping, strangled breaths. Some air was getting through, but it took a couple minutes before she stopped coughing out sand and she was taking in more air.
“Holy shit,” she croaked as she rested her cheek on the bed. She felt sick, and there was a need to throw up still building within her, but she was trying to ignore it.
At least she didn’t have to call 911. She wasn’t sure how to explain it. Xena moved the trash can closer, just in case, and rubbed and patted at Callisto’s back. “Just...cough it all up.”
This was her fault. But she couldn’t shoulder the entire blame for it. All she could do was hope Callisto didn’t push her away.
Callisto had brought it on herself, and she knew it. At least she was dead now and Xena could go back to life with Gabrielle and put that mess behind her. Callisto hoped that she would be in oblivion as opposed to the Underworld. But she supposed she wouldn’t get the answer to that considering she was now dead in the dreams.
“Fuck I feel like shit,” she muttered. She heaved a couple times, getting some more sand out. She had to wonder if she was really meant to still be alive here. She was dead in the dreams, so shouldn’t she be dead here? Wasn’t that how it worked if you dreamt you died, then you’d die in real life?
“You swallowed a bucketload of sand,” Xena explained, as if that were something that needed explaining. “Of course ya feel like shit. Let me get you some water.” She got up, leaving the room to get Callisto a glass of water. It gave her a moment to recover her nerves. It had been disturbing.
It definitely wasn’t a pretty way to die. Though at least Xena didn’t have to watch the life go out of Callisto like if she’d been stabbed or had her throat slit or something. Instead, she’d simply sunk beneath the surface of the quicksand and disappeared from sight before dying. Callisto made a mental note to stay away from beaches or any place with sand for a while.
While Xena was getting the water, Callisto did make use of the trash can and threw up into it. Dinner from the night before came back up, or at least part of it, but there was also some sand mixed in. Once she’d thrown up, she collapsed back onto the bed on her stomach, head still on the edge of the bed just in case she needed to throw up again.
If she’d had to watch Callisto die, it would have been a lot harder to do. Instead, she’d disappeared into the sand and Xena had….well. It had been easier.
Xena stood in the door way a moment, before bringing the water in. There was guilt there. Like it was her fault they had to deal with this, and Callisto was suffering. There was also anger at what Callisto, dream Callisto, had done. At least that was over now and maybe Callisto would get a chance at equilibrium. “Here..”
Callisto wondered if claustrophobia would now be added to her growing list of problems. She remembered it being dark in the sand. Unfortunately for her, suffocation wasn’t an instantaneous death. She shuddered and dry heaved at the thought. But aside from that, she didn’t show much emotion over the dream.
“Thanks,” she said as she took the water. She pushed herself to sit up so she could drink some, but sitting up was a bad idea, and she fell back down and dropped the glass in the process. “Fuck,” she cursed and then tried to get up again to try and clean up the mess she’d just made. She was weak and her entire body hurt. She had bruises from the fight with Xena, from the chariot chase and falling down the hill to the quicksand.
Xena put a hand on Callisto’s shoulder, trying to hold her down. “Don’t move. You need to rest, I’ll get that.”
Her voice was surprisingly gentle. Not like she was treating Callisto with kid gloves, but more like she was being...understanding. She sat next to her after retrieving the glass, and stroked her hair.
There was a part of Callisto that wanted to cry, but she refused to cry. So she just laid there holding it all in. She had to wonder that if she’d never gone with Xena in the first place if she wouldn’t have gotten these dreams. But for the first time since the dreams had started, Callisto was more herself. The insanity from her dream self had vanished, at least for the time being. The trauma of her death had sobered her, though she knew that would only be temporary. Her dreams had left her with more problems than she’d had to begin with, and those wouldn’t just disappear so easily.
“I hate these dreams,” she said finally.
“Yeah, I know.” Xena hung her head. She should have stayed in Colorado. At least then they could have carried on, never knowing about an alternate life where they were mortal enemies. She ran her hand down to Callisto’s back, and rubbed in a circle. “Think you’re up for steak?”
Callisto didn’t understand why she’d gotten these dreams. What was the point? To drive her insane? To drive a wedge between her and her best friend? To tell her in a terrible way that Xena would never feel the same way about her as Callisto felt for her? Whatever the reason, at least they were over now. Callisto was dead, and now she’d need to sift through the trauma her dreams had left her with.
“I won’t say no,” she said. She wasn’t certain if it would stay down, or if it would go down well, but a steak sounded amazing right then.
Xena wasn’t sure taking Callisto out was a good idea right now. But there were alternates. Some restaurants allowed pick up, and there were a couple delivery services Xena could pay to pick it up for them. That way Callisto didn’t have to face the world just yet. “I’ll order something and have someone pick it up. Think you can sit up?”
No, Callisto didn’t want to leave the condo. For one, she wasn’t certain she had the strength to go overly far at the moment. For another, she didn’t want to deal with people when she was reeling from that dream. “Thank you. And yeah, I think so.” Being the stubborn woman she was, she proceeded to attempt to sit up without help.
She let her, only helping when it was clear Callisto was about to topple over. Then, Xena got up, hefted Callisto into her arms, and carried her out into the living room. She put her on the couch, brought her a blanket and another glass of water, then went to order food.
She hadn’t expected to be carried out to the living room, but she didn’t complain about it. But she was glad to be in a more open area, and one that was well-lit. Yeah, dark, confined spaces were definitely not something she’d be happy in or around. Claustrophobia was definitely on the list of problems. Problems that probably needed professional help, but Callisto didn’t really want professional help.
With the new glass of water, she took a long, careful drink of it. Luckily she’d calmed down enough where the water went down easily. She didn’t cough or choke on it. But she did stare at it as though it held answers to questions she hadn’t asked.
If Callisto started crawling into her bed at night...that was better than trying to kill each other, at least. The scary thing was how light Callisto had been. Either she wasn’t eating or she was just in that bad of shape. Hopefully when the steak arrived it would help.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Honestly, Callisto hadn’t been paying attention to her eating habits. Though considering the storm that was happening in her head of late, it was probably a combination of not eating and being in bad shape mentally. Though with the moods, it was easy to tell when Callisto was more like herself, the one Xena had met almost a decade ago. She tended to get quiet and broody, like she currently was, and those were the times where she could distinctly keep her dream self separate from her waking self.
Looking up at Xena, Callisto’s eyes were haunted. It was similar to the look she got on her bad days when memories of her family were at the forefront of her mind. Only now it seemed to almost be more tired and fed up with the world. And considering her death? It wasn’t rocket science to know what had put that look there.
“I don’t know what there is to say. I was a terrible person and did terrible things, and then I died. It was what I, she, wanted.” Yet Callisto knew it was a horrible way to die. Alone and in the dark. Quite the opposite of how her family had died, but it was also a fitting end for the monster that she’d become.
“It was what she wanted,” Xena agreed. She didn’t have to like it. It honestly left her conflicted, making her chest hurt and her head ache. Once in awhile she looked at Callisto and saw the monster, but that wasn’t fair to conflate the two. She didn’t want to be the warlord.
Which was a sudden epiphany, because a month ago she’d relished being the warlord. What the hell was happening to her? “What’s happening to us, Callisto?”
It was more of a rhetorical question than anything else.
“We’re losing our shit?” She responded dryly. “Well, I’m losing my shit. That’s all I’m really certain of anymore.” Callisto wasn’t certain she wanted to resist becoming a monster like her dream self had been. But she did know that she didn’t like the wedge being driven between her and Xena.
Xena was her only friend, the only person who could actually handle her shit. Or she at least was the only one willing to put up with it.
After a moment’s hesitation, Xena put her arm around Callisto. “I think I’m turning into a goody two shoes.” She sounded so put out at the idea. “And I think I like it.”
With the arm around her, Callisto laid her head on Xena’s shoulder. “What a pair we make, huh? A reformed warlord and an insane psychopath.” It was probably a very good thing the rest of their gang wasn’t aware of these happenings otherwise there would probably be mutiny.
Xena wondered what they were going to do. She couldn’t just stop her operations and honestly as long as she held tight reigns she could at least control a few things. Work the underworld in a way that helped the people that really needed it. Like Robin Hood, only she shot traffickers in the dick. “We’ll figure it out. This is only the second worse thing we’ve ever been faced with.”
She rubbed Callisto’s soldier. “I haven’t heard from my contact yet. About your parents. I’ll let you know when I do.”
“We always figure it out eventually, don’t we?” Callisto wasn’t certain how long she could keep her insanity under wraps. Course, a good portion of the gang probably thought she was already insane, but Callisto was moreso now than she had been.
The mention of her parents brought an edge to her features and a hardness to her eyes. “Thank you. I am anxious to have some answers. And closure.” By which she of course meant killing the responsible party. It was long past letting justice take its course. Justice had failed her, and no matter what happened, it wouldn’t bring her parents and sister back. But she wanted and needed closure. Maybe it would help, maybe it would make things worse. Either way, it would be one less question she’d need to ask on a daily basis.
“You’ll get it, I promise you that.” It was the kind of promise that might bite her in the ass and eventually she’d dream about a similar one, but that was neither here nor there. “We just gotta do it smart, that’s all. Don’t need it fucking us up later when we don’t expect it to.”
She sounded a bit more like her old self.
“That’s why you’ll be there with me, to make sure we do it smart. We both know I won’t be thinking rationally in that moment.” In fact, Callisto was certain she’d think the exact same way her dream self did. She’d carefully plan out what she wanted to, then she would let her emotions get the best of her and those would end up being her undoing.
Only here, it would end up with her being in jail. And that’s one place Callisto never wanted to be in.
“I have a plan about that.” Xena knew she needed to let Callisto get the killing blow, but she was liable to try to draw it out. Drawing it out would only lead to trouble. More evidence, someone overhearing. And there was a difference between making someone hurt and needless suffering. Needless suffering hadn’t really made Callisto feel better, had it?
“Good, then we’re less likely to get caught.” And at least if Xena had a plan ahead of time, then it would go smoother. Callisto may not like sticking to the plan in the heat of the moment, but that’s why Xena was going to be there. She was strong and actually able to physically pull Callisto back if it was needed.
The food arrived, and Xena got up to pay, giving the guy a big tip when she did so. Takeout steak early in the morning deserved a good tip. She closed the door and brought the food over. Trying to cheer Callisto up, she tried a wager. “Ten bucks says you can’t eat all of yours right now.”
Callisto eyed Xena, perhaps aware of the ulterior motive, but not saying anything about it. “You’re on because that smells amazing.” She thought about making a counter wager, but she well knew Xena’s appetite and she’d probably lose the wager. She also didn’t think she could eat faster than Xena either.
That was probably a good idea on Callisto’s part. There were only a few people who could out eat her and none of them were in Orange County. She grabbed some utensils and some beer, and came back. “Ten bucks could buy some nice beer.”
“Yeah it could. It’s definitely worth the effort.” It could buy some cheap whiskey, perhaps, but nice beer was motivation enough for the moment. That and maybe the steak would help her feel better. Callisto still felt like shit after having all the sand in her lungs. She’d take a scalding hot shower later when she felt she could get up and move under her own power.