InsaneJournal

Who: Jemma and Trip
What: Some much needed dream discussing, spoiling Trip’s dreams
When: [Backdated] 7 February 2016, after hours
Where: Lab at Stark Industries
Warnings: AoS related issues re: Ward, Hydra
Status: Log | Complete

Simply put, Jemma was not in a good place mentally. First it was dealing with the dreams, of being on administrative leave because it was clear she was struggling. Then Ward showing up and realising he was the Grant Skye was engaged to. And then the idea of meeting up for dinner with him. (Thank goodness Cosima had basically stated she was going to come along and left no room for argument, it was undoubtedly going to get ugly otherwise) But she had been waiting for Trip’s text because now that parts of the dreams were out in the open, she knew that they’d need to discuss more of it.

How much more, she wasn’t certain, but she really did hope she didn’t have to go into his death. She could still see the fragments. She was responsible for him. If she hadn’t vouched, if he hadn’t joined the team officially, he could still be alive. If she had taken more precautions, if she hadn’t been so blindly excited about science she didn’t understand…

That didn’t matter though. They were to discuss Ward and Hydra. So once she had gotten the message, it was fairly easy to sneak into the lab at Stark. Not that she really needed to as she was still on retainer for potential projects. Even so, she had with her the dagger Trip had given to her during the fall of the Hub, the one she kept with her while undercover to remind her she was safe and to defend herself with. The one she’d used in a fit of a breakdown and cutting her hair (in the dreams, she’d caught herself at least here). That and her bone shiv, as well as Icer. Jemma Simmons was nothing if not prepared.

So here she was, waiting for Trip to join her as sat at one of the desks.

He’d waited to get in touch with Simmons. It was a hell of a pill to swallow, a man he knew well enough to call a friend had been a traitor, had tried to kill this girl he’d only just started to get to know in reality and felt an intrinsic bond with because of his dreams. Another part of him waited in the hopes he’d dream a little more, and dream he did.

Hydra had already meant something to him, the dreams had been rather detailed in SHIELD’s history and his own training. From meeting Coulson’s team and being there for Skye by her hospital bed, the ragtag group had instantly endeared themselves to him. As soon as he’d woken from a glimpse of encountering Simmons in the Hub, having helped escort her there (quite happily, in fact), he’d texted her.

Something felt off in the dreams, like a darkness lurking and he had a hunch it had something to do with Ward. Hydra though, that would come as a most unpleasant surprise.

Finding her in what had become a habitual meeting place for them, he used his clearance to let himself in and made his way over to her. Leaning against a counter, Trip’s smile was restrained, but evident as it usually was in her presence. He couldn’t help but to smile around her no matter the situation.

“Hey, girl,” he greeted. “I got fifteen… You alright?”

She could see the restrained smile and honestly, Jemma didn’t blame him. It was a lot to take in, especially from just reading things over the internet. Not that it was much easier to handle either in person or having it in dreams. But still. Jemma hadn’t really wanted to break it to Trip like that. Then again, she had wanted to find a way to keep him from dreaming at all thanks to what was to come.

“As well as I can be all things considered.” It was the polite way of saying she really wasn’t. She hadn’t even gone into why she was on administrative leave with Cosima, it was her taking a much needed break when it came up. Nothing to do with the fact she had attacked someone because of her stress and PTSD related to the dreams, that she was struggling to deal with the latest developments, and of course there were more in regards to Ward.

“So… how do we want to do this?” Because he only had fifteen minutes, and she didn’t quite know what he wanted to know. “Anymore dreams since we last spoke?” That might help her figure out at least where he was in them and where to pick up. Nevermind the fact it was basically their second meeting when everything went to hell.

Lying wasn’t her forte from what little he’d seen of her in the dreams, he couldn’t say she was much better at it in the present world either. He’d give credit where it was due though, Simmons was much different, to some extent, than the dedicated SHIELD agent he’d seen. Different in that she’d been through a hell of a lot, and he was about to be in for an earful of it.

“Just one,” he responded. “Skye set up a mission to find the Clairvoyant, paired me off with Ward. Didn’t go so well in the long run, he… well, guess you know the story, huh? I took you to the Hub later, was about to go find you when I woke up. You’re telling me Ward’s bad news, that changes a lot of things. I’m friends with the guy.”

How was he supposed to differentiate between the dreams and reality once he ventured further down the rabbit hole? It’d be hard to look a traitor in the eye and not want to punch his lights out.

Jemma had mastered lying. Well, not mastered it, but she was better at it. She had to be. It was now just...specific wording and half truths. And she used her inability to lie to her advantage which was also terrifyingly dangerous. The stress from being undercover at Hydra attested to that. It had crossed over, and even once she’d gotten back from them in her dreams, the tension and stress continued to grow.

“Sort of. I was preparing for going to the Hub…. but you’ll probably dream about the fall of SHIELD next.” Sighing, Jemma ran her fingers through her hair as she tried to figure out how to explain it. “We all were. We trusted him and he just….” Shaking her head, Jemma let out a breath. Getting ahead of herself.

“But right. We were at the Hub when the signal went out for all Hydra agents within SHIELD’s ranks to reveal themselves. Director Fury was seen to be dead so they thought they were safe. You and I had a brief moment of not trusting one another, which is unsurprising. You handed me your knife as proof that you were trustworthy.” With that, she pulled out the knife, the one that had given her some sense of safety and protection while she’d been undercover.

“It was… really bad. Agent Hand thought Coulson was Hydra, but instead it was Garrett…” She paused there because she remembered how upset Trip had been in the dreams, he’d been his mentor and had then been the one to get his own team members killed.

The fall of SHIELD? That formed a pit in his stomach. His whole dream existence was absolutely dedicated to everything for which SHIELD stood. From the Howling Commandos to taking out unorthodox threats, the thought of it being no more, to whatever extent, hit him hard, and it showed.

Whatever more she had to say, however, wouldn’t fall on deaf ears. One thing he knew for certain, he trusted Simmons implicitly. She was as trustworthy as she was undeniably intelligent. He’d take her word over some of his own comrades in arms. And just like that, she pulled the rug out from under his feet. The shock of all the information was brutal, but nothing hit him as hard as knowing his own supervising office had been a traitor all along.

It caused him to stand upright and shake his head repeatedly, believing her but hating every minute of it.

“No, no, no… Garrett? He--nah, nah… Why?” With a pronounced frown, he averted his gaze and inclined his head. “Wasn’t bad enough that Grant had to be bad, they got to my SO, too?”

She knew that one was going to be hard to swallow. Jemma had been so aghast at the idea when Agent Hand had accused Coulson of being Hydra, even when she could see it from her point of view, the points that had been laid out. For it to actually have been Garrett? She could only sympathise. Which was why she went over and squeezed his hand. It wasn’t like there was much else she could do except brace him for what was to come.

“He was the Clairvoyant. He wanted to know how Coulson came back… he was also the original Deathlock. He felt like SHIELD had betrayed him.” So he betrayed them all. “He’s one of the many excuses Ward uses in the dreams to brush off his guilt.” It was sickening. But she also remembered hearing everything Garrett was saying when he revealed himself, fearing that Coulson and Fitz would be killed while they were on the other side of the door.

“They had us all fooled.” They’d been so deep within the system, had destroyed so much….

His own SO, the Clairvoyant. It was like a bad dream--well, an apter description had never been conceived. Barely registering her attempt to console him in such a mind-bending array of news, his eyes gradually moved to where Simmons’ hand lingered. The attempt to comfort him sufficed, kept him from erupting with the anger boiling underneath the surface.

It wasn’t in his nature to lash out others, least of all someone he liked. It wasn’t her fault things had gone south. Everybody had been fooled. Still visibly upset, he stopped shaking his head and focused on her. “This how it feels, like it really happened to you? Just dreams, but it’s like... I dunno.”

Exhaling a heavy breath, he decided the atmosphere was too heavy. So, he managed half a grin for her. “Had you in my corner though, huh?”

At least it helped. It wasn’t as if there were much she could do to change the course of events in the dreams so that Garrett wouldn’t betray them, where Ward never was a member of the team or a psychopath. All she could do was be there for Trip, be there for Skye whenever she started to dream and got there. Along with everything with her parents. It would be easy enough to bury her own issues, it was what she always did. Here. The dreams. At least until recently and even still….

“This is how it feels. People you don’t even know here still able to break your heart, still able to make you feel angry and betrayed.” That they needed to be killed in order to protect the greater good. She had lost that sense of wonder and optimism from the dreams. She’d grown colder, harder. She needed to in order to survive.

She did manage a small smile as he asked if he had her in his corner

“You most certainly did. I was the one who ended up vouching for you to join our team once everything settled.” Which of course ended up leading him to his death. He could have gone anywhere else and he might still be alive, but no. She had vouched for him, hadn’t taken the necessary precautions, had been so excited about unknown science and so he was dead and she’d been even more alone despite having been back with the team.

“And I appreciate that,” he replied sincerely. As much respect as he had for Coulson and his team, he put Simmons in the highest of esteems. Regardless of any crush he entertained or what else he might have thought, she was a little badass in Trip’s eyes. He’d follow her, not blindly, but all too willingly.

“Or, I guess, I’m gonna appreciate that,” he amended, seeming to let go of the rest of his ire over Garrett. He’d stew over it after hours, throw a few darts with some friends and be done with it. Trip didn’t hold on to his anger for long, but he never, ever forgot the reason for having experienced it at all.

“Think I need to know anything else to prepare me for the rest of my dreams?”

There was always something about Trip and his ability to at least not let the anger get the best of him. Something Jemma well… she wasn’t as good as that. Forgive and forget? No. That was not her methodology. If she saw a threat, she was going to eliminate it, or at least try. And the fact that Fitz seemed to think it was a good thing before that she hadn’t killed him, that he didn’t seem to grasp initially…

“Well, you probably kept me from being killed. But it was the right thing to do.” Because she could tell Trip was a good person and it had nothing to do with the crush she’d had herself. Even if it meant he’d been her responsibility as Coulson put it.

But then he was asking about anything else he should be prepared for and her gaze darkened some, more guilt washing over her about how he’d die.

“Well… there’s a time after that when we’re trying to rebuild SHIELD. I ended up going undercover at Hydra but no one but May and Coulson knew so everyone else thought I just…. stayed in Sheffield and abandoned the team.” She’d heard that rant from Fitz in his anger. Repeatedly. And Mack as he only had Fitz’s side of it all, not realising that she’d left because she made him worse and had needed to be doing something. “I kept your knife with me actually…”

Sighing, she ran twisted her hair some absently.

“Anyway, I was basically gathering whatever information I could to see what they were working on so we could be ahead of it.” She had no idea on how to go into the fact that Trip was going to die. “They were looking to weaponise an obelisk, the original 0-8-4, alien in nature. Very dangerous on it’s own as it reads the coding in the DNA of anyone who touches it to ‘judge’ them, if they don’t have the sequence they…” And she couldn’t finish the sentence. She still sometimes woke up seeing Trip in fragments.

So she let out a slow breath.

“Sorry about that.”

“Say no more,” he assured, oblivious of any heavier implications in his direction. “Don’t gotta apologize, it’s a big ask. Not sure why I wanna know, ain’t like being prepared makes it better. It’s cool, I appreciate the warnings you’ve given. Seriously.”

Bearing all her words in mind, he’d have a lot to contemplate over the end of his shift. Echoing her gesture from before, Trip patted her arm in a friendly, reassuring action. “I mean it, girl. Thanks for talking with me about this. And just so we’re clear… You got me in your corner, too.”

That she had hesitated to finish her words didn’t go unnoticed, but she’d already said so much. He didn’t want to press her for more information until she was ready. “Means you don’t gotta say anything you don’t want. Alright?”

If only ignorance were bliss. If only it wouldn’t lead to more heartache and pain. But there really was no way to finish the sentence. Jemma could be very blunt at times, scientific as needed. But there was no easy way to finish the sentence about Trip dying. She could only give the basic idea of what they were up against… it wasn’t pretty. Each dream added more guilt and frustration. At least for her.

“Of course. It’s hard enough to get through, without warning it’s hell.” She knew. She’d gone through all of her dreams more or less alone. No one had dreamt the same circumstances or experiences. Same or similar worlds, yes. But with the team? No. She’d been going through that alone and now she was to be ahead of the others.

“I’m glad to hear that, though.” As if there were any doubt. There had never been time once she’d gotten back from Hydra. There was always some new crisis and the only one who might have noticed she was struggling? Well, that would have been Trip and he had died. The isolation was hard to shake off at times, even as she had support here.

“I know. It’s just…” She shrugged helplessly. The reality of the dreams, how they left one feeling. Logically she knew she should tell him, but finding the words was proving to be too difficult.

“Obviously if you ever want to discuss more as you dream, I’m here.”

“It’s tough,” he finished for her. “I feel you. Trust me.” It was a big ask by the sound of it, and he hadn’t come intending to hear everything that would happen. His curiosity had rested on Ward. They’d fought together, become friends and now co-workers.

Looking him in the eye wouldn’t be easy, but he’d manage it by keeping that eye exceptionally cautious. It was funny how much more he trusted her already than he did Grant at all now. Was it fair? No. But, neither was the brutal betrayal. Grant wasn’t that same man necessarily, but who was to say that he wouldn’t fall into that dream version of himself when he began to dream?

He hated not being able to trust him now, but there was no changing that now. So, he’d tuck it away for later. Like he always did.

“Got it,” he nodded. “You wanna meet up after I get off? Buy you a drink for the storytelling, least I can do.”

“Exactly.” Jemma was relieved in a way that she had never pieced it together about Ward before she had dreamt of him. Relieved that she hadn’t felt that betrayal twice over. Then again, it had made her question everything. Knowing that he had saved her all to gain the trust of the team. Everything for her was coloured by the actions of someone who was trying to earn trust. At least for Ward. She knew it wasn’t fair but she would sooner be prepared for the worst than hope for the best and have innocent blood on her hands because of it.

“That sounds lovely.” Because goodness knew Jemma needed a drink after that whole thing. She needed a drink in general because she was going to actually be meeting Ward later that week, thankfully with Cosima to keep her from taking him out now but still. A drink with someone she did trust? Most definitely a good thing.