Hanna Marin knows what Hanna Marin means (numbtothedanger) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2016-02-03 23:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, caleb rivers, hanna marin |
Who: Caleb and Hanna (and NPC!Tom Marin)
What: Figuring things out
When: 31 January
Where: Hanna’s house
Warnings: Low
Status: Log | Complete
Everything was such a mess. Caleb hadn’t seen Hanna since everything went down. Granted it had only been a little over a day, but still he had said he would never let her go. And he meant it. He just figured it was best to give her a day to breathe, he didn’t want to push himself on her too soon. After all the entire thing was his fault. If it wasn’t for him Hanna would have never been in danger. He didn’t think he would ever stop feeling guilty.
But here he was at Hanna’s house, his long hair now chopped off and short. He needed a change after everything. Caleb hadn’t been this nervous to ring her doorbell since the first time he had picked her up when they had gone to smash plates. What if she changed her mind about the not letting go thing and wanted nothing to do with him? What if she hated him now? He honestly wouldn’t blame her, but it couldn’t be true right? She wouldn’t have told him to come over if she hated him. Still he couldn’t help the nerves in his stomach as he waited for the door to open.
Hanna was… she wasn’t sure. She knew that she still loved Caleb. She knew that it was all over. But she also knew that he had lied and pushed her away and even if his reasoning was to protect her? They’d made the rule about honesty for a reason. It didn’t just mean about things in the dreams. That hurt more than what had happened when she’d been kidnapped and held hostage. Hurt more than seeing a dead body drop in front of her.
But she wasn’t going to turn him away. She just… didn’t know. And she missed him. Her mom had hovered. She’d had Aria come over and now her mom had called her dad over because she needed to go to a work thing she couldn’t get out of. Which meant trying to run interference, knowing that if her dad saw Caleb…. Ugh. Her mom was already wary of him after what had happened, her dad never liked him.
The doorbell alerted her to Caleb’s arrival and while she tried to get to the door first, she failed, and instead Tom Marin opened it and just quirked a brow.
“Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage?”
Caleb hadn’t been expecting Hanna’s father to answer the door. He was tempted to scoff at Tom’s comment. Yes, he knew he had done enough damage. There was no denying that. But so had her father. Caleb had seen how poorly he had treated Hanna not once, but twice. The essay situation was bad enough but how he treated her at his company party? Refusing to believe some random intern over his own daughter. It disgusted Caleb. Still now wasn’t the time to argue those points. He had fucked up, put Hanna in danger which was the last thing he ever wanted to do.
“Yes,” Caleb admitted to the man, still standing awkwardly in the doorway, but his eyes did fall on Hanna for a brief moment, standing on the stairs behind Mr. Marin. “My past caught up with me,” although his eyes were back on Hanna’s father he was talking to the both of them. “I should have known better, that your daughter would be involved no matter how I handled the situation.” He paused for a moment trying to phrase what he wanted to say. “I will never forgive myself for what I put Hanna through, so I don’t expect you to forgive me. But what I can tell you Mr. Marin, is that I love your daughter. I told her I’d never let her go and unless she has changed her mind about that I’m not going anywhere.” Now he looked back at Hanna, even with the distance between them, the fact that her father stood in the middle, his eyes met hers showing he meant every word he just said.
Hanna was about to say something when Caleb spoke up and so she just stayed where she was. There really wasn’t much to say given he was (mostly) addressing her dad as it were. Mostly. She knew that wasn’t the complete truth but with Tom standing between them, there wasn’t all that much she could do in that moment anyway.
As for Tom? While the speech was impassioned, Caleb had led to Hanna being kidnapped for two days. So yes. He had something to say about it.
“Her seeing you was a mistake--”
Wrong thing to say.
“Caleb’s not a mistake. He’s the most unmistake thing in my life.”
Well, that pretty much summed it up. She might have her doubts because he’d gone back to lying and withholding and how they’d promised no secrets, but at the end of the day? He was the most stable part of her life, she didn’t have to pretend around him and he accepted her for who she was. Just like her friends did.
“Hanna, this--”
“Doesn’t concern me, are you kidding? It does. And you don’t get to suddenly start caring because of what happened. You don’t get a say in who I do or do not see.”
She loved her dad, and she was always going to struggle with that, to want his approval while knowing he was a crap father, but she wasn’t about to let him walk over her and make decisions for her, especially since she was an adult. So with a slight battle of wills, Tom finally relented and stepped aside to let Caleb in.
Caleb might actually agree with Tom, that he wasn’t good for Hanna. Was a mistake. He kind of felt like one his whole life anyway and it was his fault that Hanna had been in danger in the first place. But then Hanna spoke up, interrupting her father even and Caleb couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his face. Being called the most unmistake thing in her life, was more heart-warming than he expected.
“Thank you,” Caleb said to her father as he walked inside. As soon as he passed Tom, his pace picked up as he made his way to Hanna enveloping her in his arms. He honestly didn’t ever want to let her go. Although he knew they still had some things to work out, he also had a feeling they would be okay. “I’m so sorry,” he said into her hair arms still wrapped tightly around her.
The second Caleb hugged her, Hanna returned the hug. She hadn’t commented on the hair yet given the fact that she was a bit distracted on her dad and the speech Caleb gave him and then having to interrupt her dad before he could be a complete jerk to Caleb, who clearly already felt guilty. She wasn’t naive, things weren’t fixed, but they still loved one another and anyone who loved each other that much deserved to be together and to fight for it.
“I know.”
As much as she didn’t want to let go though, Hanna knew they should probably leave the stairs, so she pulled back enough to lead him up to her room, keeping a hold on his hand. No need to talk about things that might lead to the dreams where her father could hear. And it wasn’t like they were going to be doing anything besides figure out where they stood and how to fix things. Which would take time because things couldn’t just go back to how they were. It never worked that way.
Caleb walked with Hanna into her room. He wasn’t stupid enough to think they were going to be doing anything other than talking in there. And yes it was definitely needed after everything. He wasn’t stupid enough to think they could just pick up where they left off either. Caleb fucked up big time and he knew it.
“So,” Caleb said turning to face her once they were in his room although he kept her hand in his. “How are you feeling?” seemed like the best place to start what was bound to be an awkward and probably intense conversation. And Hanna was still bruised (which of course she was it had only been a day) which just added to Caleb’s guilt.
Once in the room, Hanna sighed. That was the question, wasn’t it? “Better.” Which was partially true. She wasn’t as frazzled as she’d been once she’d gotten back or the day before. But she wasn’t okay by any stretch of the imagination. “Feeling claustrophobic.”
Which was the other part of it. Because she knew her parents meant well in wanting to keep her at home, but was it really so different as being locked in a cabin if she wasn’t able to leave? She wasn’t tied up and was able to shower and eat and all of that, but being stuck and under constant watching? It didn’t make her feel any safer or better.
“You cut your hair.”
“I’d break you out, but your dad is already upset with me enough as it is,” Caleb joked. But he definitely understood why Hanna would be feeling that way. She was locked up for two days (a thought that brought a frown back to his face). Of course she wouldn’t want to stay inside her house even if it was for her safety.
“Yeah,” he replied to her comment about his hair. “Yesterday,” obviously when else would he have done it? Well earlier this morning maybe. “I don’t know it just felt like time for a change.” Kind of a symbol of leaving all the criminal stuff behind for good. He always thought symbols were lame but this was needed, for him at least.
“Just a bit.” Well, joking was good. It was weak but they were trying and not exactly ignoring everything that had gone on. Just… no need to be completely serious in what was already going to be a serious discussion. Hanna didn’t know if she could take that right now, even if she didn’t really laugh and only smiled slightly.
His explanation made sense and so she nodded. She was all too familiar with physical changes, or changes in style as symbols or trying to move forward. She might not be spontaneous about it (she had pinterest boards for when she wanted to change something), but she could definitely understand the reasoning.
“Well, I like it.”
“And this whole time I thought you just loved me for my locks,” more joking and yes he used the word love. Because hopefully she still did. He did, he had just stated so to her father, and the whole unmistake thing was a pretty good sign that she still did.
But they did have some things to discuss and he knew he had a lot of making up to do. Using the word love again seemed like a good opening but he knew there was more to say. “This whole being broken up thing. I’m not a fan.”
“Well, they are important, but I can be flexible.” No denial of the fact that she still loved Caleb. Of course she did. Even if she’d been kidnapped and threatened, that didn’t just erase her feelings. It just… meant she had things to work through. Things that she knew she couldn’t just push aside and hide behind a relationship to distract herself with. Not like she had done in the past.
“I’m not really a fan either.” And she wasn’t. Just because she’d been willing to end things and would have had Caleb not in his misguided attempt to protect her didn’t mean that she was okay with them being broken up.
They both had things to work through. Probably more so Hanna than Caleb. He knew the life he used to leave, knew what those people were like. Although he never thought Austin would turn on him like that. But still this was all new for Hanna and something Caleb never wanted Hanna to see or be apart of. But just because they had things to work through that didn’t mean they had to do it separately right? They were stronger together. He knew that now.
“So let’s.. not be?” he suggested although it was posed as a question. “I should have never pushed you away like that,” he admitted. “I just didn’t want you involved in any of it. I hate that you were. Hate what happened to you. If you never met me…” his voice trailed off. He wasn’t about to get into the line of thinking her father had. They were not a mistake.
“Then I’d still be pretending to be dumb and probably in a crap relationship seeking some desperate form of approval.” Hey, Hanna was well aware of the fact she tended to date jerks for some form of validation. And she knew with Caleb that she didn’t have to be the person she was in high school. She felt grounded with him… well, as grounded as anyone could be in this place.
“But yeah. You shouldn’t have. Pushing away and withholding information just leads to more dangers.” God knew it happened in Rosewood. Every time they lied to protect a loved one, things just got that much more complicated. “I want to not be. Just….” Sighing, Hanna steeled herself, “We can’t just go back to how we were.” It’ll take time but she also knew they were stronger together. She just… needed to figure herself out as well but that didn’t mean she couldn't be in a relationship. Just slowed down a bit as the dust settled.
Caleb definitely never wanted Hanna to feel like she had to pretend to be any sort of way. He was pretty sure she didn’t do that with him. He definitely knew she was smart, the fact that other guys made her feel like she needed to be dumb just angered him, but now wasn’t the time for that. He just wanted her back, to be there for her, protect her, make her happy again. Hanna was important to him. Always.
“I know,” of course he understood. Since the day he met her he had always been honest with her. She knew him better than anyone else ever had. But then he had lied and pushed her away. It was going to take time to gain her trust back. He was just lucky to even be getting a chance.
However the fact that she wanted to not be broken up. Of course it brought a small smile to his face. He still had her hand in his but with his free hand he reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear. “I love you Hanna, and I’m not going to just walk away again. I won’t push you away. Even if my past comes back to haunt me again. As much as I want to protect you it should be your choice how involved you are. Just like in the dreams where I chose to be involved in the A stuff.” He understood that now. He really should have known better before but what was done was done. “I get that it will take time to trust me again, but I promise I’m not going anywhere.”
Hanna smiled slightly as she leaned into his touch. At least he seemed to know where she was coming from. Both in regards to needing to trust him again even if she understood his reasonings (how could she not?) and that he now understood in a better way where she’d been coming from in the dreams when she would push him away for fear of what would happen. She understood it and that was why she had fought so much to get him to let her in. Because she knew that situation. Of course now it had all worked out after being kidnapped and held hostage.
“Good. Though you might have to win back Aria’s approval. She sort of wants to fight you.”
Well, the girls were close. Like a pack of valkyries and they’d do anything for one another, anything to protect one another. The bond was already there but Hanna was pretty sure the dreams was strengthening that resolve as well.
And of course Caleb couldn’t blame Aria either. “I’ll write her an apology poem,” he teased feeling slightly back to normal now. He had no idea how he’d get back Aria’s approval but he’d figure it out. Right now the important thing was that Hanna was willing to forgive him and move forward. If they could survive this, they could survive anything.