I’m not going to be so unprepared again
Who: Bo and Lara What: Bo helps Lara deal with her demons When: after Bo helped Kenzi Where: Lara's place Status: Complete Rating: PG-13
The entire experience with the fog had been traumatic enough, but pair that with the fact Kenzi had fallen ill before the fog had come and then Bo being unable to be by her side? That was terrible enough, but then she’d had the dream in which Kenzi had fallen ill while in the fog. She’d had the answer for a couple days before she could do anything about it. Luckily, things had returned to normal and Bo had been able to help save Kenzi before it was too late.
Now that Kenzi was on the mend and Bo could relax that she’d saved her best friend, it was time to go see how Lara was holding up. She’d found her while in the fog, and she’d known Lara wasn’t okay. Being in survival mode like that, being attacked by monsters took its toll. It had taken one on Bo, but she’d internalized everything so she could continue to function. She’d needed to save Kenzi, and now she needed to see if she could do anything for Lara.
So she headed over to Lara’s, letting herself in. She first headed to the library to see if Lara was there.
“Lara?” She called as she drew close to the library, announcing her presence so she didn’t completely surprise her girlfriend when she came to the door and looked in.
It hadn’t gone well in the fog. Lara’s demons had come out of the woodwork to hunt her. Mathias and Vlad, even Himiko. And herself of course. Her demon had looked exactly like her. No distortion, no metaphors, Lara’s greatest fear was of herself.
She’d put four arrows into her “own” head by the time Bo had found her.
Now, days later, she hadn’t much left her study. Buried in work, buried in cleaning her guns, the buried in just sitting and staring at the wall. That part was important.
She had field stripped an assault rifle when Bo came in, and she didn’t look up.
Bo refused to think of the monsters she faced in the fog. Her parents, the blue-eyed demon that could only have been her succubus self. No, she’d locked all of that away so she could help save Kenzi, and when she saw Lara cleaning her gun, and saw the way she was so focused on it, she well knew she needed to help save her, too.
“Lara?” She asked as she walked towards her. Though she was careful not to touch Lara. She would try and get her attention audibly first. “Am I interrupting?”
“Not really.” She started to put the gun back together, the motions automatic. She could probably do this blindfolded. When she looked up at Bo, her eyes were still hard. Turning off the killer wasn’t coming easy to her, even though she knew Bo had her own issues to deal with. She’d feel guilty later, when she could feel that kind of emotion again. “Is Kenzi all right?”
Seeing the look in Lara’s eyes was all she needed to know that she’d need to work at helping her get out of the mode she was in. Nothing else in the world mattered, least of all her own issues. Lara was far more important than she was.
“Yeah, she’ll be fine.” Bo couldn’t help but to feel a little guilty at having concentrated on Kenzi after things had gone back to normal. But she was only one person. As much as she wished it, she couldn’t be in two places at once. So it was trying to find a way to break through to Lara and bring her out of the killer mode. “Have you eaten recently?”
“Good.” Lara nodded. “I was worried about her. Bleeding out of one’s eyes is probably disconcerting.” She looked down at her now put together gun, then got up to put it back in the safe. “Eaten? I don’t know. I think I had an energy bar this morning.”
Lara felt restless. On edge, adrenaline still pumping through her, and nothing she could do about it.
“Yeah, it wasn’t pleasant.” Neither here nor in their dreams. In the dreams, Bo had infiltrated a high security research lab with Lauren in order to find the source of the illness, which had been a basilisk. Here, Bo had instead been fighting monsters and getting lost in the fog and being unable to do anything to help Kenzi until the fog dissipated.
“You should eat something more substantial than an energy bar.” Bo wasn’t a cook, but she’d definitely order food if Lara didn’t have anything that could be microwaved or thrown in the oven. “Have you even left the library?” She was realizing it looked like Lara may not have left this room much, if at all.
Lara seemed to notice that she was in the library for the first time. She glanced around, then shrugged. “I’ve been busy. Research. Keeping my weapons maintained. In case something else happens. After the fog, I’m not going to be so unprepared again.”
The woman who’d gone out into the fog armed with a bow, arrows, a shotgun, two pistols and a climbing axe thought she’d been ‘unprepared’ for it.
Did Lara seriously just describe herself as being unprepared for the fog? “You weren’t unprepared by any stretch of the imagination. You were armed to the teeth when I ran into you out there.” Lara had been far more prepared than Bo had with one measly dagger. Not to mention Bo had been injured during the encounter with the blue eyed demon after she’d gotten separated from Lara. Luckily, the injuries had healed after she’d returned to her apartment.
No new scars from this. Lara didn’t know how she felt about it. “I should have expected something. I hadn’t expected to look myself in the eyes and shoot myself. It’s like the fog dredged up our worst fears for the world to see.” But there had to be a way to prepare for that. She’d started shaking her knee at some point, bouncing it up and down and she hadn’t noticed. She cracked her knuckles, then rubbed them, and continued to do so.
“I’m pretty certain you did expect something since you were armed to the teeth out there. But I don’t think anyone could have expected to look themselves in the eye.” Bo noticed the bouncing knee, the cracking and rubbing of her knuckles that was then repeated again and again.
“Why are you afraid of yourself?” It was a serious question, asked gently because this wasn’t an easy topic. Bo connected the dots. The worst fears made sense considering the monsters Bo had fought and the blue eyed one specifically. Bo feared her succubus powers. So Lara facing herself clearly meant Lara was afraid of herself.
She could lie. Say she wasn’t afraid of herself. But something in Bo’s tone gave her pause. She rubbed her knuckles again, then got up to pace. “Because of what I’m capable of. How easy it was to just ...become that again. It’s inside of me. It’s always inside of me.”
Bo watched Lara closely, carefully, knowing that she needed to tread carefully lest she make things worse accidentally. If talking things out didn’t help enough, Bo would suggest they go for a long run or a hike, something active that would get Lara moving and try to burn off some of the agitation she obviously felt.
“It is always inside of you because it’s part of you, what you’ve developed through your experiences. But it isn’t all negative. Sometimes that darker side is needed, the fight is needed in order to survive. And that’s what the fog was, a need to survive and face whatever came out of it.”
She put her hands on the top of the desk, almost kneading her fingers against the old wood. It was a nice desk. One of her father’s desks and likely older than the mansion it was sitting in. Lara caught herself when she realized she was rocking back and forth, and she let out a shuddering breath. “I can’t….it would be so easy to give in to that side of me. Never turn it back off.”
Bo moved to stand to the side of the desk, looking at Lara. “Which is why it’s important to learn how to control it. And why you have people like me around to help you come out of it when it’s too much for you.” She wasn’t being a hypocrite in saying that since her dream self was learning how to control her own lethal abilities, ones that she could feel starting to develop here and now.
Lara looked up at Bo, unabashed emotion on her face. She was crying though she didn’t realize it. But something in the way she said it, something Bo had said, struck her in the heart. “What if I hurt you?”
Seeing the tears on Lara’s face, Bo reached out with one hand, gently brushing a few away from her cheek. “I won’t go anywhere. I could just as easily hurt you when my powers decide to show themselves.” Because Bo knew it was now just a matter of time before she started feeling hungry and needing chi.
Lara managed a smile through her tears. “We’re both kind of fucked, aren’t we?” She leaned into Bo’s hand, looking up at her through watery eyes. The hardness had faded, though not entirely. It never did, but at least it was now the way it usually was.
Bo smiled, gently caressing Lara’s cheek. “We kinda are, but I think we can both learn how to handle it.” Seeing the hardness fading, Bo breathed in relief. “Come here,” she said, moving closer to pull Lara into a hug.
She let Bo pull her in, resting her face against Bo’s arm and hugging her back as tight as she could. She’d never let anyone see her like this before. Not even Sam. But Bo had, and it felt okay. It even felt a little right. And terrifying. Why was so much about Bo terrifying? She whispered, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
She held her tightly, gently rubbing Lara’s back. Bo did everything she could to convey comfort to Lara. The past several days had been horrible for both of them. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Which she didn’t as far as Bo was concerned. It hadn’t been Lara’s fault that she’d gone into battle fighting monsters, and she certainly hadn’t caused the fog to appear.
“I’m sorry I’m a mess.” Lara laughed, a choked only half-amused sound. She pulled Bo down into her lap, and rested her chin in Bo’s considerable cleavage.
Settling on Lara’s lap, Bo gently stroked her hair. “Believe me, it’s okay. We’re all a mess in our own ways. It’s part of life, I think. If I didn’t want to help sort you out, I wouldn’t be here.”
She wondered if Bo was running away from her own problems, but didn’t have the energy to ask. Maybe it was selfish, but Lara wanted to be selfish for once. “Has anyone told you you’re a wonderful human being today?”
Bo didn’t mind Lara not asking about her, she was more than happy to keep running away from her own problems. Avoiding her problems was what she did best, after all. “No, not today.” She smiled gently as she smoothed some hair away from Lara’s face. “And I still think you should eat something. I could order some Chinese or something?”
“Not really in the mood for that. I think I need something a little more…” She searched for the word. “Homey.” But the question of what was ‘homey’ wasn’t one Lara could immediately answer. Was it the kind of meal Winston used to prepare? Fast food with Sam while studying? Fish over an open fire with Roth? Lara felt suddenly lost. And older and weary and lonely. She hugged Bo tighter.
“Comfort food kind of homey? I could manage mac and cheese or hot chocolate or something like that, if anything like that catches your fancy?” Cooking was kind of out of the question, but things that only involved boiling water and mixing things together, Bo could do. “Whatever you need or want, I’ll do my best to do.” She snuggled closer to Lara.
“...I don’t even know what’s homey for me,” Lara admitted. “But mac and cheese is pretty comforting, I think. But…” She lifted her head a bit. “i’d rather not let you go.” It wasn’t that she was afraid of regressing again. But maybe it was.
“I won’t make you let me go.” Bo said with a smile, slipping her arms around Lara again. She pressed a kiss to the side of her head. “I’m perfectly happy to just stay right here with you.” Eventually, she’d insist Lara actually eat something and they figure out what that would be. But for now, Bo was content to simply be in Lara’s arms and holding her.