Hanna Marin knows what Hanna Marin means (numbtothedanger) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2016-01-21 11:45:00 |
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Simply put, Hanna was getting frustrated. She knew the signs of when she was being lied to and pushed away. She knew what it was like to do those things to protect someone as well. Thank you, Rosewood dreams. But that didn’t mean she had to accept it lying down. Hell no. She was Hanna Marin, and this whole…. Caleb pushing her away and lying to her about it? She wasn’t going to put up with it. She had thought he’d tell her because they had promised each other honesty in these sorts of things. But it had been over a week and he was cancelling dates and distant and moodified when they were together. Enough was enough. She’d either get the truth out of him or…
She didn’t want to consider the alternative. She knew what she’d do, she had made the decision but that didn’t mean she was ready to entertain the idea that she’d actually have to go through with breaking up with him. She loved him. But she refused to only be half there, she refused to be pushed aside. Hanna might have her insecurities and self esteem issues that were masked by jokes and smiles and always acting confident, but she had enough self respect to not put herself through that.
As she got to Caleb’s apartment building, she noticed a familiar person across the street, someone she’d been noticing more often than not lately. She made a mental note of it but she wasn’t going to say anything right now to the creep. She needed to make sure to get to Caleb before he could try to slip away again. Ugh. Making note that the light was on, which meant he was around, the blonde went inside and to the door, knocking rapidly.
“Let me in, Caleb, or so help me I will pick this lock.” She could, too. Thank you dream skills. But she wasn’t joking around. Hanna was determined and when Hanna set her mind to something, she went through with it, all the way.
Things had gone downhill fast. From the second his computer was hacked he had a bad feeling. He tried to ignore it, convince himself he was just being paranoid, but it was no use. His past was catching up with him. He knew he was being watched, followed even. He knew who was doing it as well. It was time to go back on the run, he had gotten too comfortable here. But leaving? He had friends, he had Hanna. He wasn’t sure if he could do it, but it would be best for her if he did. She was in too much danger with him around and the last thing he ever wanted was for Hanna to get hurt.
Caleb knew he had been distant lately. Keeping Hanna at arms length, not wanting her to be seen with him. And even when the few times they had been together over the past week he was distant, distracted. Trying to figure out a way to make this all go away and still be able to stay with Hanna. But he knew that wasn’t what was best for her. What would keep her safe.
He was in his apartment, sulking. He had been doing that a lot lately, not quite ready to put his plan of disappearance into action yet. That was when he heard Hanna at the door. Damn she was determined. Normally he would find it amusing. Especially the part where she threatened to pick his lock. But today it wasn’t amusing him, in fact he was dreading seeing her. He knew she would demand answers, could tell by the sound of her voice. But he couldn’t give them to her.
“Hi,” Caleb said as he opened the door. He forced a smile on his face. “Come on in,” he added trying his best to pull off his usual amusement with her.
She wasn’t buying it. Even if Caleb hadn’t invited her in, she would have gone in anyway. Well, she could also yell at him in the hallway and make a big scene and she was pretty sure he knew that which was why he was inviting her inside in the first place. Even if he was acting as if everything was fine and normal.
Which was a bunch of bullshit because she knew. She knew him and she knew the signs and nothing was normal.
So she didn’t even bother with pleasantries or smiles. No. There was one thing she wanted and that was the truth, answers. Which was why she stood there, arms crossed.
“What the hell is going on, Caleb?” Eyes narrowed, she just watched her boyfriend for a sign, something. Because she needed it. “And don’t try and say nothing or act all glibe or whatever. You’ve been pulling away and I’m sick of it. So what is it? Is it the people you were with before?”
She was perceptive. She’d seen the creep. She’d seen Caleb pulling away. It wasn’t that hard to piece together, but she needed him to trust her and she needed him to let her in because only being in half his life? Not okay.
“I can help.” She didn’t know how. But if it was what she thought? She would find a way to help.
He wasn’t surprised that Hanna had figured out what was going on. Not only was Hanna smart but she knew him better than anyone, fucked up past included. That didn’t mean he was going to admit it though. Or bring her into that life.
And then she was offering to help. Something he knew she would do. Something he would never let her do.
Full on denying things wasn’t going to work. Hanna was too smart for that. “Hanna,” he began the forced smile disappearing from his face, replace with a frown. He did his best to keep his tone calm and level. “This isn’t any of your business. I don’t want you involved.”
At least the forced smile was gone, because it was really irritating her. She was sick and tired of lies and brushing things off. Half the time in the dreams she wanted to shake them all because all they were doing was making things worse even as she understood why they kept doing it. But that didn’t mean she was going to take that nonsense in her life here. Hell no.
“Like hell it isn’t my business! It involves you, of course it is! And you really don’t get a say in that since we’re together. I’m already involved.”
Because she knew, she understood the desire to keep people out of it. But if Caleb thought she wouldn’t involve herself just because it ‘wasn’t her business’, then he clearly didn’t know her. And he clearly was operating on some sort of double standard where it was okay for him to help when she didn’t want him involved (admittedly in the dreams, but it still counted) but not for her.
One more chance. One more chance before she said it. Sometimes guys were just stupid and needed to be hit over the head with a reminder, which was what she was doing. But if he continued to push her away…. if he refused…. No. It wouldn’t get that far. He would realise he was being stupid and let her in and stop this idiotic pushing away nonsense he was doing.
He had to.
He knew it was a double standard. If something was going on with Hanna here, if A existed, he would want to know about it and help. Just like in the dreams. But he didn’t care. He was going to do what he had to, to keep Hanna safe. No matter how difficult it was, how much it killed him. Pushing her away, separating from her. It was the only way he knew how to keep her safe.
“Then maybe we shouldn’t be involved,” his voice broke. Part of him couldn’t believe he had actually said those words, and another part knew it was the best thing for Hanna. His eyes fell to the floor. There was no way he could look at Hanna right now. He didn’t want to see the look of hurt on her face, more importantly he didn’t want her to see how much this was hurting him. He had to be strong about this and he knew if he looked into those blue eyes of hers it would all fall apart.
And there it was. He didn’t even give her the decency of saying it herself. But she wouldn’t cry. She refused to cry. Her eyes might be wet with tears but she refused to let them fall, jaw clenched and lips pressed together tightly. She stood, rigid. There were a lot of emotions going on that she couldn’t quite place. Stupid girl, the second you let yourself love them… Even if his supposed intent was to protect her, it always played out the same.
“So that’s it then. Things get hard and complicated, so you run. No more let’s work together, no more honesty. God, I was such an idiot.”
Blinking rapidly, she shook her head and took a breath.
“But fine. If that’s how you want to play it? We’re done.” There was finality in her words and voice. It hurt like hell, but she wasn’t going to back down from her resolution on this. She couldn’t.
he wished he could tell her. Could explain. But he knew if she knew the truth she would want to help him, she had already said it. He couldn’t let her do that.
With her words, the finality of it all he knew what he had to do. It was time for him to leave. It had been stupid of him to think he could settle down. That he could fall in love and live happily ever after. He just wasn’t meant for that kind of life, never had been and never would be.
“I guess that’s it.” His eyes remained glued to the floor. He still couldn’t look at her. It was too hard. “Goodbye, Hanna.”