Who: Max Rockatansky madman & Capable _capable_ What: Exploring lucidity When: During Wish Plot, December 16 Where: State Beach, Huntington Beach Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Max is lucid courtesy of his Christmas wish coming true. Trust me. That's a warning. Status: Closed/Completed GDoc
~*~
Sanity was more of a burden than Max recalled. His life before he'd gone completely mad had been largely pleasant. Bad things had happened to him the same as to anyone else, but he'd been happy. Max remembered falling in love. He remembered the way his wife had felt swollen up with his child, pressed against him in their bed at night as if he could protect her the way her body protected their son. Love was very much a part of Max's memories of those early days. Love from his parents, Jessie, Sprog, his squadron; Max had known love.
It hurt so much more to remember it all clearly and know it was over.
Looking over at Capable, his face was unusually somber as he offered, "All the worlds I have ever known? Fire and blood. Funny thing, missing the madness."
The woman had been the second he'd told when lucidity returned to him. Max had wished on a star to be sane for Christmas. All he'd thought of had been having the chance to be normal for Splendid and Valerian, Capable and Pietro, even for Furiosa at the holiday. They put up with his insanity. Why shouldn't he wish to give them a break from it? Why couldn't he wish to have a break from it himself? Max never imagined he'd feel everything so much more deeply without the cushion granted to his mind by sheer crazy.
"I remember everything. Every word. Every touch. Every death. Here or there. It doesn't matter. I remember it all. No wonder my stupid brain chose to go mad. It hurts less. What of you? Did you get a wish for Christmas?"
~*~
It had been an incredible thing, one Capable couldn’t even imagine being true but it was. She’d hugged him as usual and then he’d told her what had happened and it had been amazing. She’d been happy for him after all wasn’t it something to be happy about? He was lucid and more talkative than usual, it was nice to be able to communicate with him like she did others.
“I’m sorry” she said when he finished talking, “I thought it would be a good thing for you, to remember and enjoy the memories of good times more clearly. Me? The only thing I’ve wished for is a good holiday season for those I love. You, Splendid, Valerian and Furiosa. I just want people to have a nice time” she said with a smile and a shrug. There wasn’t much else she could wish for. Her experiences made her who she was, the good and the bad.
~*~
"No worries, love. I'm better off feeling alone inside this head of mine than competing constantly for control against all the ghosts I carry with me."
Max gently bumped Capable's shoulder with his own. His lips smiled easily enough though the lines around his eyes were more pronounced, the color beneath them darker than usual. Sleep came easier to him when he was insane. It seemed madmen didn't worry overmuch before resting. Life was very simple for Max when he was ill. He could break everything down to basic needs. Sleep when he was sleepy, eat when he was hungry, talk when he felt as if he needed to share something...it was all so much easier when he wasn't fighting against the disease which twisted his mind's eye view of the world.
"This holiday season is one I'm blessed more than others in. Wouldn't have anyone before this year happened. Now I've all you lot. You're my new family. As much of one as I'll likely ever get. More than I deserve, I'll tell you that for truth. Do you know when I'm insane I can still think what I want to say, I simply can't say it? This way? I can at least talk on it better. Talking changes nothing, but it makes me feel a bit better which is its own blessing."
~*~
Capable gave him a small smile and leaned against him for a moment offering comfort in one of the only ways she could. She could see he was tired and that his sanity wasn’t easy on him, perhaps there was something in what he was saying though she didn’t like the idea of him feeling alone.
“You’re my family too and I know Furiosa and Splendid feel the same” she nodded in understanding, “It may not change things but making you feel better is just as important” she told him, “I wish I had known, maybe we could have found a way to help you say what you needed to. But I’m glad you’re feeling better now. Maybe part of my wish did come true” Because even if it only came true for Max she would be happy with that.
~*~
Wishes for Christmas had come true all over the place as far as Max was concerned. He was pleased to think Capable had wished something for him. Max had been selfish -wishing for sanity for himself- rather than asking for something for another person. Looking back on it, he wished he'd asked for Splendid to have a man worthy of her to help her raise her son or for Pietro and his sister to have a happy holiday or for Capable and Furiosa to find joy the whole new year through. There were so many things he could have shared or asked for out there yet he'd chosen to think only of himself. It wasn't saying much for his character.
He wrapped an arm around Capable's shoulders in silent companionship.
Sometimes simply because a person could use words it didn't mean they should.
Max had often managed to communicate with the woman without words. She had a tremendously open heart. There was something in her nature which called out to the people who were the most wounded in the world. It made Max wonder if she could find happiness in this life the way she hadn't managed in the other. His Dreams were real enough for him to know they were more than simply dreams. They all shared them, too, which went a long way to helping him believe they weren't only the product of his diseased mind.
"I was selfish in my wish. I wished only to be sane for the holidays. Doubt it will last. I'm hopeful I can find a way to say the things I'd like to say when I---"
He stopped, sighing rather than finishing out his sentiment with '-lose my mind again.'
Capable would understand without him saying it. She was intuitive that way.
"You're a good one. Wishing for others rather than yourself? Shows your true character. If I had it to do over, I'd have wished for someone else, too."
~*~
Capable didn’t see it as a selfless act, in wishing for her friends to be happy she would have shared in that happiness. Everything could be viewed as selfless or selfish depending on how you wished to look at it. She wasn’t particularly special, she just liked seeing people smile.
She settled happily against him, thankful for his presence. She hadn’t had siblings but if she had Max was pretty much the big brother she’d always wanted. He was strong and sweet and she felt safe with him all the time. He’d never let anything happen.
Communicating with Max had not been too difficult, she found she had a way with those who needed a little more care and tenderness. Her dreams had simply added to that and made her determined to find her place in the world as well as help others find theirs.
“I don’t think you’re selfish” she told him, “I think I would have done the same thing if I were you. It was a wish for us as well you know, we want you to be happy Max” she gave him a smile, “And we’ll find a way for you to tell us whatever you need to. I will always be here, no matter what”
~*~
"That's kind of you, Capable. You've a pure heart. I wouldn't blame you if you chose to step back when this stops. My mind? It's broken. Badly. I can't see this lasting longer than the season. Mine isn't the type of life for those kinds of miracles."
Lasting miracles weren't for men like Max Rockatansky. He had to learn how to take what he could get. There were reasons to appreciate life even when it was hard, even when it seemed impossible; Max appreciated everything as it came to him because he'd no choice otherwise as he saw it. Spitting in the face of his own life was against all he believed in. Did he wish he'd died with his wife and child? Sometimes. Would he throw his life away and disgrace their memory? Never.
Never.
The women he'd met in Orange County made him think often of Jessie. She would have loved them all in different ways. Hers had been a good heart, too. She'd loved Max even when his mind had started slipping and she had loved their son. Sprog was the best thing to have ever happened in Max's life. Losing him was the worst loss he'd ever suffered. It made him very protective of Splendid and her boy. Valerian wasn't his son, would never be, but Max never wanted Splendid to know how it felt to lose a son either and that was all which mattered.
"I can remember more about my wife. Jessie. She would have liked you. All of you here. My son? I remember his name. I can't bring myself to say it, but I remember. That's precious to me. I can't describe how terrible it was to remember his birth yet not remember his name. What kind of father can't remember his own child's name?"
He shook his head.
"It's all going to fade away again. I can feel it. In my bones, in my heart, I can feel it. I hate I'm going to lose them all over again. It hardly seems fair."
~*~
“I’m not stepping back, you’re stuck with me now. You have a little sister for life” she said pressing a kiss to his cheek, “No matter what I will be here for you” It wasn’t an idle promise, Capable planned on being there for Max whether he was lucid or completely off his rocker. He was Max and she loved him because he was family and you don’t just turn your back on family.
“I would have liked to meet her, she must have been an amazing woman” Capable said giving him a small smile as he spoke of her with such affection in his voice. “It doesn’t make you a bad person you know? Not remembering his name I mean. I think it’s more that your mind is trying to protect you from the pain by not letting you remember too much. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child but I believe it could be unbearable”
She took his hand in hers, “It isn’t fair at all and I truly hope you don’t lose it all but if you do, maybe I can help. I could talk about them, just little things you’ve told me. Things that won’t upset you but will perhaps bring you a little peace” Capable didn’t know if that would help him at all but she wanted to try something. He deserved happiness and that was something she believed with all her heart.
~*~
A sister...Max had never had a sister or a brother. He'd grown up alone in the world save his father and mother who both had their own agendas. They'd loved him in their way. It was only some people weren't meant to be parents. Max understood that better now he'd been a parent himself. Some things a person had to experience to understand. He thought anything related to parenthood was among that list. It bothered him to think all these women who cared for him and he cared for in return would never know the best part of his life.
It'd been lost long before he'd met them in this life or the other.
"I've never had a sister or a brother. Only child. Sprog was going to have a sibling. Jessie and I wanted more than the one child. She was a force of nature, my Jessie. Wild hair as I've said before and a wild heart which could never be tamed. Being loved by her was like---like getting caught up in the eye of a storm. Watching the world shatter around me while I was safe on the inside of the eye."
He nodded in agreement with the sentiment. It did a good job of explaining his Jessie.
Rubbing her knuckles with his thumb idly, Max murmured, "We wanted a house in the country. Something with access to a good road, off the highway, but close enough to where I could work as a driver with a stable way home. She kept the lights on for me at night whether I was in Afghanistan or two hours down the road. Every night, I knew it, every night Jessie had the lights lit for me. That? I miss. Knowing someone is waiting to welcome me home regardless of time or space. Now, since I've my mind back? I like thinking wherever Jessie is? She's still got the lights on for me. See her again someday, hhm?"
~*~
Capable had never had a brother either but if she did have she would have loved one like Max, someone to protect her and who she could protect in her way too. Her own parents were distant memories, she had flashes sometimes of a time before the commune but they were brief and hazy. Rules and distance were her clearer childhood memories.
“She sounds incredible” Capable said and wished then with all her heart that she could have met Max’s wife, because she sounded like a woman to look up to. She was obviously the love of Max’s life and it felt incredibly unfair that he had lost both her and his child. He was so poetic in speaking about her and she committed his words to memory, hopefully repeating them when he was struggling would help him.
“I think she will always light that light for you” she told him, “And you will see her someday and she can show you that she has waited patiently to be with you again. She’d be proud of you Max, for carrying on even when it’s hard and you don’t feel like it. You are a good man with a kind heart of your own”
~*~
Max made a sound of agreement as he leaned comfortably against Capable. They were happy enough together as friends in the here and now. It wasn't so much about memories of family as making new memories of a new family. They both had lost in their lives. They had found, too. Max, Capable, Splendid, and Furiosa had all found each other along with other things in their new lives or this life.
Madness alone couldn't explain the Dreams for Max.
"Here now, let's talk on more pleasant things. Make some memories for ourselves. Our new found family? You, me, Splendid and Furiosa. We've found each other. That's more than I ever expected to find in this life."
They would make the most of his lucidity. It would be as well as it would be. Max hoped they forgave him when he lost his mind again. He figured they would given how understanding they'd been so far. At least if they didn't---perhaps the madness would protect him from realizing what he'd lost.