Who: Daryl Dixon dixonda & Rick Grimes rick What: Daryl comes out. When: Backdated to October Where: The Grimes Home Rating/Warnings: Teenish/Language, and thoughts about their dreamworld (though nothing graphic) Status: Closed/Completed GDoc
Daryl wouldn't trade the time he was allowed to spend with Rick and his family for anything in the world. He'd gotten used to getting off work, and going over there nearly every night. The days that he didn't head over there he felt alone, lonely and the dreams hit him full force. At least, it felt as if they were worse when he wasn't there.
It could've very well just been in Daryl's head, but he was convinced that staying with them was in his best interest.
He made himself useful while was there. He helped with Judith and sometimes he'd help Carl with his homework if Rick was otherwise preoccupied. Daryl didn't want to intrude upon their lives too much, but he felt at peace with them.
The day ended much the same as any other day that he spent there, and he was contemplating on going back home to his trailer when Carl came by with a fresh set of sheets for the guest bedroom and handed them off to Daryl. That was the only persuasion he needed really, and so he went to remake the bed before returning to the living room.
He smiled at Rick and lifted a shoulder, "I think I ought to start paying you rent." He chuckled, and moved to sit down on the opposite end of the couch.
~*~
Looking up at Daryl, Rick shook away the thoughts in his head lingering from his Dreams, "You say that as if I'd take your money. You're family. This is as much your home as you want it to be."
Rick had trouble seeing the Daryl in his Dreams in the man sitting next to him. Sometimes it was as if he couldn't see him any other way while others---others he was grateful this man hadn't reached the broken stage they'd both devolved to in that other life. They didn't talk on it. There was something almost sacrosanct about the life they were sharing in Orange County which prevented talking on that dead world while in the Grimes home.
He felt they'd both lost enough in their real lives without bringing that other world up.
"Besides, I like having you here. Beats back the loneliness of being the only adult in the house. I know, realistically, you're single and young enough to want to look into changing that. I expect soon enough this will stop being your place of choice to come after work. I figure you're doing me a favor in the meantime by coming by to save me from myself, my thoughts, everything what can happen to a man this far out of the world."
Rick pushed back every feeling in his head at the idea of Daryl dating. He knew it was bound to happen. They were going to have to face the reality that their lives were different eventually. Daryl might act unassuming, but the man had to have needs. He'd certainly not seemed to live the life of a monk prior to moving to California. It was the way of the world for a man to seek out some physical company from time to time and if that worked in his favor? It was natural for that to lead to something more.
He wouldn't blame Daryl for wanting more. Rick only wanted to acknowledge he was pleased to have what time he could get with his friend while he was between relationships otherwise.
~*~
Chuckling Daryl gave a small inclination of his head in Rick's direction. "Fair enough." He replied, settling back into his seat. They were a family here. In the dreams, or at least to the point that Daryl had dreamed, they were still working out some familial issues. Daryl couldn't count the number of times he'd woken up angry at the world, Rick, the group because of something stupid.
He felt older than his years here, and watching his younger self made his head hurt and he wondered how in the hell he'd made it this far. Still, he was trying and in his dreams he was still searching for the girl that had gone missing.
Reaching up, Daryl rubbed a hand over his chin while Rick talked. He glanced over at the other man, a half smile settling on his features. "I --" he started and then paused for a moment. Dating wasn't the top of Daryl's priority list as his affections for Rick had started to grow. Daryl thought that nothing could ever come of that seeing as how Rick didn't swing his way, but it was there nonetheless.
Daryl couldn't think about Rick finding some lady to date without feeling a flare of jealousy in his gut, so he tried to focus on other things.
"I'm good. It's less drama being single. I don't have to worry about anyone but me." That was partially true. Daryl chewed on the inside of his cheek, the topic at hand weighing heavily on him tonight for some reason. Sighing, Daryl shifted in his seat so that he could look over at Rick better.
"I don't know if it'll change anything, but I figure that if the time comes when I do decide to date that you ought to know." Daryl's heart beat hard against his rib cage, the sound loud in his ears as the silence stretched out for what felt like longer than a few seconds. "I'm gay."
The words tumbled from his lips and while his stomach felt in knots, Daryl felt this strange sense of relief at finally getting that off his chest.
"You're the first person that I've ever told. Well," he lifted a shoulder, "the first friend I've ever told."
~*~
Blood roared like an ocean in Rick's ears as he tried to imagine Daryl with another man. Correlating his friend with homosexuality was almost more than he could manage. They'd come from a small town filled up with small minds. Rick wasn't certain he'd ever met a local who was of that persuasion. Georgia wasn't the least permissive State in the Union though they definitely weren't on the list of most permissive either.
Had Daryl been with anyone local? He wasn't that young of a man even if Rick had some years on him. There was no indication in his behavior he was a virgin. If he was saying he was a queer, had to mean he'd been with a man to know it. No one could say they were queer if they'd never done anything of the kind could they? Rick knew he'd been a man interested in women far longer than he'd been with women, but wasn't it different for the gays?
Swallowing the sound in his ears, Rick stated, "You can tell me anything. I don't talk when someone shares their secrets with me. Are you sure? That you're---have you been with a man then? Or men? I don't know how it all works for that. I barely know how it all works between men and women seeing as I never really played the field. I mean. I don't need the specifics. I can figure that out. I just. It's a shock."
Daryl seemed so much like him.
Rick remembered how much he'd liked the way Daryl had looked as a woman. His face flushed darkly as he remembered how he'd wished Daryl would have stayed that way. It'd been a thought in his head he hadn't shared. What kind of friend would he have been if he'd told a man he wished he could never be a man again? That was like telling his friend he really wished he could change everything about him which hardly made him a friend at all.
"You made a pretty woman. I liked the way you looked. Thought things. About you. I thought it made me a queer for a while, but I doubt it works that way really. I'm sorry. I know I ain't making a lick of sense. I don't care if you're gay or straight or never want to touch another person intimately. You're my friend, Daryl Dixon, and I'm proud you trusted me enough to tell me."
That was what was important to Rick: that Daryl had trusted him.
Everything else was details.
~*~
Questions were inevitable, and so were the terms that came along with being gay and from the South. Daryl had heard a lot of them over the years from his brother, and had said them himself to keep other people from believing that he was the way he was. Living in denial and in the shadows had sucked a lot of the life out of him, and Daryl was tired of hiding.
Here he had no reason to be anyone but himself, and by God he planned on doing just that.
Still he waited to see what Rick would say, and he chuckled with a roll of his eyes at Rick. "Doubt you thinkin' that I made a pretty woman made you any kinds of gay." Daryl offered with a shrug of his shoulders.
He was glad that Rick felt that way though. It'd taken a lot of time for Daryl to come to terms with his sexuality, to become comfortable in his own skin, but he hadn't been comfortable enough telling anyone because he was afraid that they would -- well, abandon him.
Clearing his throat, Daryl placed an ankle on his knee. "I've known for a long time. About myself. I went to Atlanta whenever I wanted a hookup." And that was all that it had ever been for Daryl. "Couldn't really date anyone back home. Merle would've tried to beat the gay out of me, or something." Daryl shot a look over at Rick that spoke volumes.
Daryl didn't know what Merle would've done, he hadn't been brave enough to find out.
That wasn't something that Daryl believed that he'd have to worry about now that he was living out here. He was free to date finally without judgement and now that he knew that his friendship with Rick was still solid? Things felt easier.
"Thanks, Rick. I appreciate you being my friend."
~*~
"You been there for me through the worst of my life. That means I'm here for you for the rest of yours. You'll have to tell me to leave you alone you want me gone."
Rick wouldn't have cared if Daryl told him he wanted to be a woman full time. They'd have figured it out. Acceptance wasn't something which came easily in the world they'd been in. Rick had worked hard to make certain his son was an open-minded young man. He wasn't worried about what Carl would think about Daryl. It would go without saying Carl would accept Daryl same as Rick did because Carl was a good boy who saw Daryl as family too.
The idea Daryl had been hiding his entire life made Rick want to tell him he could stop hiding. Being a CI made a lot of folk feel as if they were leading a double life. In many ways, it was being two different people. The force had lost a lot of good informants due to straight suicide. One of Rick's worst fears had been Merle beating the 'snitch' out of Daryl on account of helping him.
He would not have to hide any longer, Rick swore that to himself in that moment.
"You tell Carl, too. You don't hide anymore. Not here. This is a new life. You want to be with a man or some men or however you want to live? You do that. You deserve to be happy. My boy and me and even Judith love you. You've got a home here with us. No matter what."
Rick couldn't think too hard on Daryl going for 'hook-ups.' That was outside the realm of his expertise. His face burned with shame at the thought he couldn't even imagine a world in which he gave himself to someone else without thinking on it. Sex for---the sake of sex? It seemed dirty to Rick. He didn't care it was with men or women. All he could do was clear his throat and look at his hands as he tried to make sense out of it.
"I don't know much. I'm not worldly. I do know about being careful. You're being careful? That matters to me more than who you're being careful with or what you're doing when you're with them."
~*~
Daryl swallowed hard and looked away from Rick. The words hit him pretty hard, but only because he'd never had anyone fully accept him for who he was. "You ain't got to worry about me going anywhere, man. At least, I ain't planning on it."
He really wasn't planning on going anywhere, or telling Rick to leave him alone. He considered the Grimes all to be family, they'd been there for him more than his real family had ever been, so he would never consider abandoning any of them.
Glancing over at Rick, Daryl nodded. "I'll tell him soon. I don't want to hide it from him. Hell, it was hard not telling you for this long." He lifted a shoulder, and then offered Rick a smile. "Thanks, I really do appreciate that." He gave a nod, thinking that it might be time for him to ask about just moving on in with them.
Hell, he spent more time there than he did at his home. It made sense for him to just move in so he could help out more and stop paying rent on a place that he rarely ever slept at.
"Course. I was always careful. Been awhile since --" He gave a small inclination of his head to indicate that it'd been awhile since he'd slept with anyone. "It wasn't often even when I did it. I was careful about who I spent my time with. I didn't like it. Made me feel lonely." Daryl would've been happier had he been able to actually be with someone, but that just hadn't been in the cards.
Well, until now. Although he wasn't really planning on dating anyone at the moment, although he had no real hope of anything ever happening with the one person that he was interested in.
"I like the idea of having a fresh start though, and being able to be free." Daryl really was feeling a lot better about everything now that he'd actually talked to Rick.
~*~
Freedom was something Rick should have written a book on himself. He'd been trapped in a job he'd not been ready to have without any way out of it. Every day he'd worried if he was going to get killed. Doing the right thing meant something different in reality than it did in theory. The lines between good and evil blurred more often than not. He remembered the people who he arrested who deserved it, sure, but it was the ones who he wondered if he wouldn't have done the same thing who stuck with him the longest.
"You can be as free as you want to be. I swear it. I'll swear it on my life even. I know what it feels like to be trapped in a life you want out of and living a lie? I never would have wanted you to live that way if I'd known. Here isn't like back home. You can meet someone. A good man. Fall in love. Hell, get married and have kids."
Gays could do that sort of thing in California as far as Rick knew.
It shamed him to realize he had never paid much attention to what was happening with the queer population. Gays weren't a part of his life. They had never made it into his social circle at home and here, in the OC, Rick hadn't spread out too far from the Farmers' Market and Daryl. There were some people who were pretty different at the Market. He thought a few might have been homosexuals though he hadn't asked outright or made an effort to get to know.
"You---it ain't being gay makes you feel alone after being with a stranger. That's being human. I never went for it myself because it seemed too personal. I'm not a casual man. I couldn't do that. I think you're smart for taking it easy. I am glad you found happiness on occasion back home. I hope to help you find more of it here."
~*~
Daryl had to wonder for a few moments what had made Rick feel like he was trapped. Surely it hadn't been his marriage, although it could've been. It made Daryl's blood boil to know that in their dreams Lori was banging Shane, and he could see the drama starting to build between the two of them now that Rick was with the group.
It wasn't any of his business in the dreams, at least, that was the way that he felt. There he was trying to survive, and well, there had been other plans but those had changed.
He laughed and shook his head, "We'll see about all that. I ain't looking for nothing right now. I'm happy enough as it is." That wasn't the full truth, but Daryl dared not speak what he really felt. While Rick might've given him permission to be as free as he wanted to be it wasn't an invitation for him to speak his feelings as if he were some woman.
Daryl had no right to lay that on Rick's already burdened shoulders.
Laughing, Daryl shook his head. He could've poked fun at Rick's statement, but he understood exactly what he meant. "Thanks." Daryl replied with a slight smile, "Like I said, we'll see. I ain't in any hurry, and life is treating me decent. If the time comes when I'm tired of being lonely, I'll deal with it then."
Daryl wasn't lacking in companionship, besides, having a good friend that he knew he could count on and spend time with was more than enough for him at the moment. Well, it was close to more than enough but he was okay with that.
~*~
"No need to hurry things," Rick agreed, "You can practice being a family man with my kids. They love you. If you can handle Judith and Carl? You can handle the life of a family man yourself. One of these days I might have to pay you back by watching a little Dixon for you."
The idea of Daryl finding a man to settle with, have a family with, hurt strangely, but Rick enjoyed it all the same. He wanted nothing more than happiness for his friend. They'd been through too much together for Rick to wish for anything other than joy on Daryl Dixon. Some men were born good; Daryl was one of those men. Rick hoped his friend found something and someone who brought goodness to his life.
In the meantime, he'd enjoy spending time with Daryl, sharing his family with him. There was peace to be had on his little farm. It was the best life Rick could imagine having with his wife gone, his children motherless, himself a widower. Life was hard for all of them though he'd been lucky enough to not have to walk through it alone for a time. Daryl could have a few hours or days here or there with them as his makeshift family. It was something.
It was all Rick could offer him.
Settling back onto the couch, he leaned until his shoulder brushed Daryl's companionably, "Enough talk. Let's watch a bit of television until we can't hold our eyes open. This is the way we do it in the good life."
This was the good life as far as Rick was concerned. It was more than they had in any other life that was certain.