Who: Harley and Helena What: Having some downtime after Helena went a bit crazy. When: Late November Where: Harley's Warnings: Discussion of Helena's attempt to end the world in her dreams Status: Complete upon posting
Hot cocoa, a metric ton of comfy blankets on the couch, a pair of weiner dogs and an array of disney movies and Harley figured she’d done enough. Alcohol was tempting but drinking away their problems probably wasn’t the best idea right now. But marshmellows. Marshmellows were important.
At least she hoped she could give Helena some peace of mind and a warm, safe space to feel more herself. Or at least very well loved. She didn’t know how she’d missed some of these warning signs. They’d been right in her face. But that was something to worry about later.
“I’m starving. Want chinese?”
One thing Helena was very good at was hiding the things that bothered her, and hiding her emotions. Of course there’d been signs along the way, she wasn’t quite the master of the poker face that her dream self was. But even so, Helena could still hide things. Which she well knew she shouldn’t do, especially when she had people who cared about her and loved her.
Everything hurt, but Helena was getting help to try and work through the tangled web her dream self had weaved, a web that she’d gotten caught in. But even with the emotional pain she was in, the guilt that was weighing down on her, Helena did feel Harley’s love. The hot cocoa, the blankets, the dogs, her girlfriend, they were all what she needed. Even if she didn’t think she deserved to be treated with love.
“I think Chinese would be good, yes.” She wasn’t exceptionally hungry, but she could at least pick at the food as they sat there. And at least now she wasn’t keeping her guard up. She snuggled into one of the cozy blankets a bit more. “Chinese, cozy blankets, hot cocoa, movies, the dogs and you. I couldn’t ask for anything better than this.” Hopefully that was a start to let Harley know just how much she appreciated this. How much she loved her all the more for not turning her back on her.
In that way, Helena was a lot like some of Harley's patients, and many of her friends from the dreams. Like a cat, Selina had often hid her problems and her pains away, and she could tell Helena was hiding something. She just didn't know how to approach it and could only hope she'd open up eventually.
She ordered chinese food online, then sat on the edge of the couch and rested her hands on her knees. "I just want to treat you like a million bucks. Whether you believe it or not you still deserve that."
Opening up was something she definitely needed to work on. It didn’t happen easily, but when she cared, she would eventually start to talk. It was largely just trying to find the right words. And also to not put Harley into the therapist role for some very obvious reasons.
“I don’t believe I do, but thank you.” Helena sat up, reaching out and setting her hands over Harley’s, giving them a gentle squeeze. “Thank you for being here with me. I need you.” It was rare for her to admit to needing someone, but she was in a raw state of emotions, so it certainly wasn’t out of the question for her to just say things that she truly needed and meant.
Harley’s throat clenched up, and she took Helena’s hands and squeezed them. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” If there’d been someone there for her, maybe things would have been different. The people who’d helped her had come almost too late. But they had come. It definitely wasn’t too late for Helena. “So don’t worry, this ain’t an imposition. I want to be here.”
Help had come too late for her dream self. If only she’d realized things sooner, perhaps she wouldn’t have ruined her friendship with Myka. Perhaps she could’ve been saved from herself. But she’d crossed a line, and she didn’t think she could come back from that. “I love you, and I’m sorry for putting you through all of this.” It was without a doubt the millionth time she’d apologized. Helena felt like she should continue apologizing until the day she died.
“You don’t gotta keep apologizin’. Unless that’ll make you feel better.” Harley brushed some of Helena’s hair aside, her smile reassuring. “Honestly, I’ll probably end up putting you through all kinda shit. Probably kinda have. Bleached skin and issues with Mr. J and all. But I care about you, and I’ll stick with you through thick and thin.” She said it earnestly, and meaningfully.
Really, she wasn’t certain if apologizing made her feel better or not. It didn’t make her feel worse, though, so that was something. Though she managed a little smile at Harley’s words. “That means more to me than I could ever say. I know I’m a mess, but I’ll stick with you through thick and thin as well.” Which was still slightly frightening to her, but she was definitely in it for the long haul.
“That’s good, because I’m glue and you’re rubber. Or something.” She leaned in and whispered. “Glue.”
It was easy enough to be a little silly. That was her natural state and her armor against the world - it was much harder to maintain seriousness for any period of time, though Helena was one of the few that got to see past the armor. She kissed her nose lightly, then got up to get the food when it came. “We probably shouldn’t start with Bambi. And I omitted Pocahontas because it’s really hard to watch that movie after learning the real history behind it. How about Sorcerer and the Stone? Or Up. But we’ll be cryin’ in the first ten minutes.”
Sometimes being a little silly was necessary. And right now, Helena would take it. It helped distract her from her troubled thoughts, and from becoming too engrossed within them.
“I vote Sorcerer and the Stone. I can always go for some fantasy.” She grabbed some food once Harley and brought it over. “Maybe Up shall come later. Right now I think a good adventure would be best.” That and snuggling with Harley would be good. Helena was working up to talking about what she’d actually dreamt that had helped push her off the deep end, in a manner of speaking. But for now, she’d just pick at her food and enjoy the movie with Harley.
“Yes! Good old Merlin it is.” Harley bounced over to the tv and slipped the disc in, then plopped back down on the couch. She put her arm around Helena and squeezed. “Look at us, two grown women watching cartoons. Ain’t that the life?”
Helena managed a little chuckle and leaned into Harley. “I am not complaining. Sometimes we all have times where we need to watch cartoons.” Plus, Helena watched a lot of them with Christina. “Besides, they are better when watched with someone.”
“They are. Then we can do the voices and pick fun.” Harley nuzzled her cheek against Helena’s, then patted her lap for the doggies to join them. She fed one of them an eggroll. “I think you should take some time off of work.”
She leaned into the nuzzle, relishing in the touch. She was starting to relish in her sense of touch a bit more than she had before. After the dogs joined them, Helena reached out to give them both a pet. At Harley’s words, she well knew she was right. Anatoly had made the suggestion as well, but didn’t order her to do so.
“That might be best. I still have plenty of vacation time, and considering the holidays are approaching, it may not be a bad idea to use some of the vacation time.” She could combine the time off with the paid holidays. “I just hope that I can be a bit more put together so my parents can bring Christina back for Christmas. And with any luck, she’ll stay.” Though if she was still in a bad way, Helena would not let her daughter be around her.
“You’ll be fine.” She turned Helena’s face towards her, pecking her nose. “And Christina probably misses you a lot. We’ll get you pulled together. Anatoly will be a lotta help. And you dont’ gotta tell me anything, and you’ really should only tell me the things he thinks are okay. I won’t pry.” She was crazy, but she still had her professional ethics.
“I miss her very much as well. This is the longest she and I have been apart since she was born.” It definitely hadn’t been easy to be separated from her daughter, especially after the things she’d dreamt, but Helena knew it was for the best. Christina didn’t need to witness the descent into losing her mind that Helena had taken these past months. “I know. There are things I should tell you, about what I’ve dreamt, though. Those I can tell you.” Those at least weren’t talking about things from her sessions with Anatoly. Those were just talking about her dreams.
“And I’ll listen.” Harley nodded her head, adjusting one of the dogs as he tried to burron between them. “Nothing you can tell me will shock me. Or make me think less of you. Nothing you have has!”
“I certainly hope this won’t shock you.” After all, being moments away from destroying the world as her dream self had been was the sort of happening that tended to be a deal breaker for a lot of people. She drew in a breath. “My dream self had a plan to put together a devastating Artifact and use it to destroy the world, as I believe I may have told you before. Well, I-she used it. She was moments away from killing every single person on the Earth. Just one more strike of the Trident into the ground above Yellowstone’s massive caldera and it would all have been over.”
“How’d they stop you?” Harley asked. She tilted her head, one hand absently rubbing a doggie and the other rubbing Helena’s thigh. “Yellowstone though, that’s actually brilliant. Don’t know if it woulda killed everyone but it woulda sent us back to the stone age for sure. I mean I think we survived a super volcano once, but barely.”
“Ice Age, to be precise. The Trident itself had the power of a supervolcano within it, so my using it at Yellowstone would have been the equivalent of two supervolcanoes erupting at once.” Helena corrected, more out of trying to give all the details than anything else. And, well, the fact she referred to herself instead of her dream self for using the Trident spoke to how she had difficulty separating herself from her dream self. “Myka put a gun in my hand and made me hold it to her forehead. She said since everyone was going to die anyway that I shouldn’t take her life like a coward. If she was going to die, she told me that I should look her in the eye and take her life.” Helena lowered her head. “I couldn’t kill her despite the fact I’d killed countless other people. But she...she was different.”
Helena had fallen in love with Myka and had only realized it in that moment. And she also knew in that moment that her feelings would never turn into anything. She’d ruined that the moment she’d betrayed Myka in Warehouse 2. And now she was going to be bronzed again. Or put in prison. Though Helena really wished the Regents would simply kill her. It would’ve been kinder, and that was what she truly wanted in all of that.
“Oh. That woulda been bad,” Harley replied. She said it matter-of-factly, as though Helena had just told her it would be cloudy tomorrow. She took Helena’s hand, squeezing it. That was why Svetlana’s trick had worked. She wondered if H would have pulled the trigger otherwise, or if it had been Harley with the gun to her head.
“You really cared about her didn’t you.”
Even if Myka hadn’t dared her to shoot her, Helena wouldn’t have pulled the trigger when Svetlana had done it. And she wouldn’t have pulled it if Harley had been the one with the gun to her head either. When it came down to it, this Helena, the one in this world, wasn’t a killer, even if she felt her dream self’s dark side. And she also couldn’t hurt the people she loved.
“Yes. More than I realized until it was too late to do anything about it.” Meaning Helena knew Myka wouldn’t forgive her for what she’d done, and she’d ruined their friendship and whatever that could have become.
And she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ruined her friendship with Svetlana as well.
“Hindsight is a bitch. But that’s one advantage we get over our dreamselves. We get a chance to make up for the shit we done.” She squeezed Helena’s hand again, harder. “Or see that sometimes the person who coulda been the right person ain’t the right person at al. Or that there are more than one right person. Or something. I hope that makes sense.”
“It is. I only hope I can make it up to you and Svetlana.” Helena would do everything she could to make it up to them both. And if she fell short, she fell short, but she could at least say she tried. And at least here she had the chance to make it right. Helena was certain her dream self would not have that chance. “It does make sense. Though I seriously doubt my dream self will find any sort of happiness.” She looked up at Harley, giving her hand a squeeze in return. “I, however, have you, and I’m not going to let myself ruin what we have.”
“I believe you can make it up. Ya don’t really need to. But we’ll appreciate it.” She didn’t agree, that dream Helena couldn’t find happiness. For a time she’d wondered the same about herself, but in the end she had, even if only for a little while. She wet her lips, staring into Helena’s eyes “I can’t say I’ll always be there. I’ll try, I’ll always try, but I don’t want to make a promise that’s impossible to keep. But I love ya, dollface. We’ll get through this.”
“Oh, but I do. I mean for starters, I stole a gun from you.” Helena had since put it back and made certain to not go near the stockpile again. Not until she was more in control of herself, anyway. She gazed back into Harley’s eyes. “We will get through this, and I am more than happy that you are here with me, that you didn’t turn away when you could have.” Perhaps that was part of the light she needed to hold onto while she worked at fighting against her darkness. “We can do this, even if I feel less than strong enough to get through it.”
“That’s my fault for not keeping it in a safe.” Something Harley would have to remedy, but then she’d not thought it would be a problem with only adults around. It wasn’t like she was going to have kids. Ever. “You’re strong. But it’s okay to be a little weak now and again. That’s human.”
“It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have predicted that I’d be taking a gun to use to commit a terrible crime.” Not that they both hadn’t used guns in previous crimes, but that was besides the point. “I don’t like being weak. I don’t like feeling vulnerable.” Which was also natural. Not many people liked feeling weak and vulnerable. Helena let out a little sigh before she shifted a little to snuggle against Harley, resting her head against Harley’s shoulder. “But I feel better being here with you.”
“Good thing it’s a stolen gun.” Harley made a mental note to go through her ill-gotten goods and get rid of them. It wouldn’t do for someone to raid her place for something else and fine a whole lot of things that didn’t belong to her. “We can be vulnerable together alone, and strong together when we’re out there in the world. That’s something I can promise!”
“A stolen gun that was stolen again, but then returned to the first thief,” Helena mused, obviously trying to interject a little humor into the moment. “I quite enjoy the sound of that, I must say, love. I do wish to say that I am more than happy to be vulnerable together alone, and strong together in public.” She slid her arms around Harley’s middle, feeling more than a little need to snuggle and have that physical comfort.
Harley decided it was time to fall silent, and hold Helena and give her quiet comfort while the movie played. But Harley being Harley, she couldn’t stay quiet for long. Between quoting the movie and mocking the movie, she kept up a constant chatter.
Now and then, Helena joined in with the mocking. While she’d seen the movie before, she didn’t know it well enough to quote it. So she left that to Harley. Though it was good that Helena felt up to mocking the movie when it deserved it. And, well, she did feel a bit better being there with Harley and the dogs.
“As much as I love watching these sorts of movies with my daughter, it’s always a bit more enjoyable watching them with an adult.” Considering how much sexual innuendo tended to be in the movies and so forth.
“Oh god. You know, I saw Atlantis in the theaters but I was just a little kid and it took me a few years before I got some of the jokes.” But Atlantis was more of an adult movie anyway, even among Disney movies. “They sneak that stuff in to help keep us entertained.”
“I think that’s true for a lot of us. We pick some of those things up when we’re old enough to understand them properly.” Helena ate a bit more of the Chinese. “They do, and most of the time it certainly works.”
“They’re good movies even without that sort of stuff.” Harley shifted around until her pig-tailed head was comfortable in Helena’s lap. Helena was more interesting than any disney cartoon, and really she adored the woman. Look! Adoring eyes!
“They are, I have to say.” Helena far preferred reading to watching movies and television, but she also wasn’t one to pass up these sorts of opportunities. She looked down at Harley once she shifted position, and she gave her a gentle smile. She took one of Harley’s pigtails and started twirling some of the hair around her finger. Just as Harley gave her adoring eyes, Helena gave Harley adoring eyes. Just having a moment like this was what she needed. Being reminded that she wasn’t alone despite the she thought she should be.
It was something Harley was good at. Bringing moments when they were needed, even if it wasn't obvious at first what needed to be done. A dose of normal, from a crazy person. She lifted her hand to Helena's cheek and stroked it lightly. "You're a hundred percent perfect you know that?"
Normal from a crazy person was certainly beyond ironic, but Helena wasn’t exactly sane herself. And she wasn’t about to say anything on the irony. She leaned into Harley’s touch. “Perhaps you should tell me more about it?” Helena didn’t think she was perfect, but she wasn’t going to argue the point. They both needed a boost, after all. They both needed needed something that wasn’t terrible or painful to focus on for a while.
Harley smiled, and then laughed raucously. She left her hand where it was, letting the touch comfort Helena. “Allrighty then. Where should I start…”