Annie Cresta is one with the waves (lifeisastorm) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2015-11-22 23:13:00 |
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Annie was… well, doing slightly better she supposed. Things continued to not make sense, but the water helped. She’d gone scuba diving which was an experience and now she was meeting Gale. At the beach. Because he lived near it and Annie knew herself well enough to know that the sounds of the ocean would have a soothing effect that would at least keep her grounded.
She still wasn’t sure about what to make of any of this. She had skimmed his post. She had a vague idea on the whys. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe this was all a massive hallucination. Peeta had verified it. The post had continued to be there after she’d done the scuba diving. After the focusing of her mind, it remained and a conversation had taken place. It was real. Wasn’t it? It wasn’t like she could even count on her techniques when she’d used those to accept the reality of Gale’s supposed death.
Arriving early, the brunette just stared at the waves, letting them match her breathing and focus her. It was fine. This was going to be fine.
Gale had gotten all sorts of reactions to his return - most were angry, and he supposed he expected that. Others, like Jack and Buffy and Elsa, were just glad he was alive. Then Annie seemed to be trapped in her own head, questioning what was real and what wasn’t because to her perspective, coming back from the dead was suspicious - the least he could do was be there for her however she needed, and also reassure her however she needed. She didn’t hate him - that alone was a positive.
Besides, he had been to her wedding and he remembered it as a little bit of light in a very dark time. Just what District 13 had needed. He also remembered Finnick’s sacrifice, and bringing all those skeletons to the surface for the whole Capitol - his on camera confession about how victors were prostituted off after winning the Games was really the turning point for the whole rebellion. Gale respected him for that.
He wore his swim trunks and a t-shirt to the beach, jogging on the sand and leaving Tella back at the house. The chocolate lab could be a little rambunctious and he didn’t want her to bother Annie or anything - no, it was just a good time to have a quiet talk, so he could explain and hopefully set things right a little.
Approaching her, he flashed a friendly smile as he caught up to where she was. “Hey, Cresta.”
Annie was aware of the movement of bodies around her. She supposed she would always be hyper aware thanks to everything that had happened. But it was good because it meant that she didn’t completely freak out when Gale showed up. She was still apprehensive because Orange County wasn’t really a good place for someone who had issues with reality, but even one more sign to this being real would be good.
Mostly. Annie knew there would be lasting effects as she figured out how to figure out reality again. But this was the first step.
First things first. Stepping closer to Gale and poking him. Very much a human figure. Hallucinations didn’t have physical forms, they could look and sound real, but she had yet to have one that was solid. Nodding some, more to herself than anything, Annie smiled faintly.
“Hi, Gale.”
She still wasn’t completely sure what to do. But she didn’t hate him, or really anyone. Of all the Victors, Annie was probably the least confrontational and combative. She had her own opinions and wasn’t afraid to voice them, but being more of an observer and how people tended to sometimes forget she was around, she was able to make sense of reactions people had.
Absently she twisted a bracelet. Next test.
“Labour day we went to a lake with everyone. Real or not real?” Because it was what she did in the dreams and what she had done in her life here as well. One of many tricks when she didn’t know how to separate reality from her mind.
It was a good trick - one that worked with Peeta too, or what had worked when they were all working together to help him take baby steps to overcome the hijacking that had been a result of Capital torture. Tracker jacker venom, some deadly (and tricky) shit to combat. But it helped the person figure things out kind of on their own terms - that way they weren’t overwhelmed.
“Real,” Gale responded, sea breeze wafting on by. He’d missed the salty air too, missed everthing. “Peeta brought dessert, I brought beer. Because you can’t really go inner tubing without beer. Katniss was nervous because she thought everyone hated her and you seemed to be okay frolicking in the water like the mermaid you are.”
Annie wasn’t overwhelmed as often as she had been. There were days and times when it was hard and she had to fall back on old tricks, but it seemed Orange County liked to mess with that. Or apparently life situations. It was hard to know who to talk to or what to say when everyone was dealing in the only ways they knew possible. It was hard to know when it was okay to ask for help when everyone else was hurting.
Slipping out of her flats, Annie stepped closer to the water and nodded. That was what had happened. So not only a solid person, but someone who knew about the lake and specifics she hadn’t provided.
“You are officially real.”
A comment that could be seen as teasing with most people, but it wasn’t in this situation. A statement of fact. It was a step in the right direction. Not that she really knew what to say now. She’d always been more of an observer. But she had kept tabs on everyone in the dreams in Panem. She knew that Gale had found a place in District 2. She kept in touch when she could.
“And you’re okay.” He looked physically fine. Hadn’t reacted when she poked at him as if there were underlying injuries. It was easiest to start with basics.
“I’m okay,” Gale nodded, exhaling a deep breath. He didn’t even mind the poke - it was actually kind of amusing, but he hadn’t laughed. The expression in his grey eyes remained as stormy and stoic as ever. “It’s a long story, about why I was gone and why I even got into the mess I did in the first place...do you want to hear the whole thing? Maybe we could walk?”
Here was good. The beach wasn’t too crowded and he liked this one because of that fact. The sand was milky white, the water was clear - one day he’d visit one of those beaches in Bali where all you’d find in terms of people were strategic huts set up, selling cold beers or day beds. No one else for miles.
“That’s good.” Because while Annie was feeling confused and while everything was now completely upended for her in terms of her coping mechanisms, she wasn’t going to hate Gale or wish ill upon him for what the past month more or less had put everyone through.
“Walking and hearing the story sounds good.” And it would. True Annie didn’t know how well it would help in the long run, but having context at least had a general way of making things make sense. Even slightly. Besides, she was basically walking in the ocean, shallow water and lapping waves though it may be.
He walked beside her, and this was why Gale chose to live around here anyway - the decadence of bare feet on the beach was never a bad idea, unless it was decorated with glass and sharp shells and rocks, and this one wasn't. The ocean felt cold, but it always was when you started in - then it segued into something pleasant, felt like salt and summer before it became more comfortable. He could see fish nipping at his toes and a crab scurry off beneath the water.
“I became involved with someone who dreamed of a similar type of situation. The strain of war and everything - she experienced how being involved in dirty work, black ops, could ruin a person,” he started. “Here, it was starting to get too similar for the both of us. You know how the dreams ended? I was alone, I mean, I lost everything because I lost sight of myself. I didn’t want that to happen here, to either of us. So I began taking on more work for her that I shouldn’t have been doing, to kind of keep her out of it.”
At the time, he felt like it was necessary - his intentions were good, but road to Hell paved and all that. Everyone knew how it went.
“Only, her second-in-command had it out for me. She tried to kill me, so I had to fake my death to make her think she succeeded. Just so Leliana could tie up the loose ends, which she did. So we could finally be together, but the story also had to be airtight.”
Annie was well aware of how it had ended for him. How easy it was to lose oneself in the memories or a mission or the dreams. Wasn’t that one of her main problems? She usually had it under control. There were good and bad days, but she had it under control. That didn’t mean she didn’t know how bad it could be. How focused and lost someone could become. Situations varied but the reaction and outcome could remain the same.
So she let Gale speak, explain how he had gotten into that situation. The why. Relationships and love, they made you do things you might not otherwise consider. They were complicated that way.
She remained silent as he finished explaining, letting the water lap at her feet and ankles in a familiar and soothing fashion as they walked, absorbing it all. She understood and she could see his reasoning. The danger that was involved. It wasn’t hard to… and yet…
“We wouldn’t have let it be known. I understand, I just…” Sighing, Annie shrugged before stopping and looking out at the ocean and the horizon. “Even just one person to let the rest know quietly. We could have helped you….” Annie might not speak out a lot, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t. “That’s what we do, isn’t it?” And that’s when she looked at him, a slight tilt of her head.
It wasn’t even feeling betrayed. It was seeing how it destroyed everyone and how she had tried to be there only to lose her grip of reality. It left her unsettled.
“Something could have slipped through, gotten back to the one who originally wanted me dead. Even with the best intentions of everyone else,” Gale said, and he knew he could trust the people important to him - they protected each other, but sometimes you just couldn’t cover everything. “That’s the way that line of work was, why it was dangerous - “ Well, it was dangerous to get close to others, to have that potential for exploited emotions, but otherwise, the danger of having people ‘in the know’ was very real.
It was an unfortunate truth, and he didn’t like it much either. “But it’s over now. And for what it’s worth, I am sorry - I can safely promise that it won’t happen again, and if it does? For some reason? I also promise that I’ll reach out to to you in that case. To Katniss and Peeta and Johanna. I at least know we’ve faced...similar things.” And they had all survived, that was what they had in common.
“I’m glad it’s like that now, you know?” he added, with a quirk of his brow, glancing at Annie. “That I’m not alone. None of us are, in this life.”
She knew that even the best intentions, someone could slip. But it wouldn’t have been from the Panem group, that much Annie was certain of. They were used to lying to maintain a front. Or not even lying in Annie’s case, just not hiding her very sane reactions to the insanity of the Games. And it wasn’t like it was going to do anything now. It was over and done with. Just like Gale said.
“I know.” And she did. It was clear by looking at Gale that he was sorry. “It doesn’t make it okay, but I know.” Nor would Annie ever claim that it just washed away the pain and everything that had happened. She was fine with that, things didn’t just magically disappear and she knew Gale knew that. All they could do was move forward and that was what they were doing. “But you better. Or I’ll… I don’t know. Flip a table?”
Annie Cresta, the most fearsome of the lot, really and truly. But they had all faced similar things and survived. Some in just the dreams, others in both lives. It was what pulled them all together, an invisible connection that ran through those from Panem. And really anyone who shared dream worlds.
The sentiment that they weren’t alone and had one another, and how that was good? That was definitely a sentiment Annie could agree with completely. No one should ever feel alone or the need to handle things on their own.
“So am I.”
Gale actually laughed a little. “You’d totally flip a table,” he agreed. “Getting arrested because of bar fights, I mean. You’re hardcore now, Cresta. I’m proud of you.” It was said jokingly, but he meant it too. Of all the people in their ragtag Panem family, he’d have never expected Annie to be the one doing a stint in jail - he’d have pegged that on Johanna, definitely (though she’d been there too, apparently).
“But you’re okay though? After the unfortunate few hours spent in jail?” He felt bad, because contrary to popular belief, he wasn’t made of stone - but he also know that if he’d been in that situation, he’d have probably reacted similarly. Sometimes he was angry at, well, everything - the Capitol, the oppression, the way those in the Districts were forced to be slaves for years, himself, mostly himself because he knew he’d turned into someone who didn’t look at people as people, but as players and puzzle pieces in a neverending war.
He wouldn’t be like that here. Not if he had anything to say about it, and he considered it a choice he’d already made.
The whole arrested thing had been hard on Annie just because it brought up too many things, both from the Dreams and her life before Orange County but she had gotten through it. Because of course it was the three who had been kidnapped and tortured by the Capitol who would end up in a cell. But they’d all been hurting and they stuck together. She did smile slightly at the comment of being hardcore since she was definitely the quiet one of the group but then she contemplated the question before shrugging.
“Being in jail didn’t really do any good. But… I’ll get there, I always do.” She had a few years of struggling and ups and downs to know that she would. “I just need to be able to trust my techniques again, which will take time. But I will be. I’m better at any rate.”
Which was the truth. She didn’t talk about her past and did her best to cover the scars, but she also wouldn’t shy away from being honest about her feelings either.
“We’ll all get there, we always do,” Gale nodded. Finnick being here would probably help Annie too, overall - they were always good for each other, like two peas in a pod. From what he had observed, anyway. “Still glad the dreams are done though. I didn’t get a happy ending, or even a hopeful one, but...I can make one here instead, right?” he asked, scuffing through the sand.
Katniss and Peeta had children, Annie had a son - Finnick was gone, but she had that reminder of him which was bittersweet. Gale would have liked to have children too but he didn’t know if he ever would. After glimpses of his ‘fancy’ job in District 2, a new life starting over with pieces of his own self (Katniss) missing, he just...hadn’t been privy to what happened next. The end.
“Exactly.” Annie still wasn’t sure what her feelings were about Finnick being there. No, that wasn’t true. She knew that he calmed her in a way he shouldn’t. But she feared the day he would start dreaming and everything that would come with it. “So am I…” They cycled but there was no more worry and panic over what might come, or reactions to the latest horror. She also was aware about how Gale really just.. had his job in District 2 yet had seemed to disappear from all of them. “Yeah, you can.”
They were all different even if they were the same. Here they had chances they would never have had in Panem. It was just holding onto that when things got complicated.