InsaneJournal

I think you need to stop...
Who: Mai, Zuko
What: Lots of very feel-y talking. And bad news.
When: After this log, sometime on Weds.
Where: Hospital.
Ratings/Warnings: PG-13, Warnings: Talk of Miscarriage, glossy, but still there.
Status: Complete.



Zuko stared at the door, after Kitty had all but shoved him towards it. Mai was on the other side, so why he so nervous? Squaring his shoulders, he opened the door, walked inside, and closed it behind him.

Mai looked so small and fragile and weak. It scared him. He’d almost lost her. It took all his willpower not to crumble at the sight.

There'd been a while when she'd first been settled in at the hospital where all she wanted to do was see Zuko's face. Now that he was finally there and available, she wasn't so sure about the idea.

His presence made her nervous. She didn't want him to see her like that, but he already had. There were a million thorny comments all waiting on her lips, almost stinging them with how prickly they were. Any of them would have pushed him away.

She didn't want that. She didn't know how to say what she wanted to say.

So she started with holding her hand out, hoping he'd come over and take it.

When no barb was forthcoming, Zuko came over and took her hand. She even felt fragile. Fragile enough to not be thorny, anyway. He sat on a chair next to her. He didn't feel nervous. He felt tired.

Finally he settled on a wry joke, "If you wanted Azula and me to work together, there are better ways to go about it."

She felt like all kinds of words were still getting stuck in her throat and on her lips, so for a while Mai was still silent, even after the joke. Her smile and a bit of a hand squeeze was the only response he got.

She shuffled over a bit closer to him, suddenly wishing he'd just crawl right into the hospital bed with her. A nurse would probably come yell at them if they tried that, though. And the words that would have asked him to do it were also stuck in her throat.

This had been so much easier to talk about with Kitty.

He would have, if she'd asked. He wondered if she'd want that, or if she'd push him away. Mai had always been so conflicting. The past few months alone had been like riding a roller coaster.

Fuck it. He crawled in with her and bundled her against him. If he never let go that would be too soon.

The fragile state that Mai would never admit she was in shattered completely when Zuko crawled into bed with her. She pressed herself against him and nearly instantly broke down into tears.

Tears that crashed over her like a tidal wave of emotion that even she wasn't sure she'd been capable of. The sobs were rough, almost coughed out of her, that's how heavy they were.

Utterly shocked, Zuko just cradled her, rocking her and rubbing her back and stroking her hair and letting her cry herself out. It was difficult just trying to not break down himself.

There had been times when he'd thought he'd lost her. Forever.

When she finally could find her voice - after several minutes of crying - it was hoarse from the tears, but her words were unmistakable, “I love you.”

She didn’t even seem surprised that those were the words that came out of her mouth.


Now the tears came to Zuko's eyes. He whispered hoarsely, "I love you too..."

He kissed her then. Soft and sweet and emotional, "I love you Mai."

Zuko stroked her cheek, "I thought I'd lost you."

"We did lose something," Mai admitted. Like the words she'd said before, these ones seemed to spill out of her mouth before her brain applied any kinds of brakes. She was slightly more surprised about it this time, though.

She fought the urge to pull away from him and hide herself, put masks up, or ... any of the normal defenses that were threatening to take over. Instead, she cradled herself against him, allowing herself the comfort it gave her, like she'd allowed herself with Azula and Kitty before.

"You're here. I'm here. Azula took a bullet. Everything is great!" Zuko managed a teary grin, either not hearing her or choosing not to hear her.

Mai needed Zuko to hear her. She took his hand gently, and placed it over her stomach. Then she gave him a look, and it wasn’t a happy one.

A mixture of emotions flickered across Zuko's face. Understanding. Elation. We did lose something. Anguish. His fingers twitched over her stomach, as if they could somehow put it back.

He felt like he'd been punched in the gut.

Which is a really, really bad metaphor and it only made him feel worse.

She could feel the twitching fingers, and see the anguish etched on his face. Zuko was the kind of man whose emotions had always been fascinatingly explosive, and even now that was true. She was almost scared he’d punch a wall again.

That wasn’t really an option, especially in a hospital where the walls were made of concrete. So Mai entwined her fingers with his twitching ones, and squeezed.

Well, if he broke his hand, at least he's in the right place to get it fixed. Words, however, weren't forming. He wanted to form the words, but he didn't know what to say.

He realized that choked sound came from his own throat and sealed his lips shut into a thin white line. He had to gain control of his emotions. Zuko wasn't alone in this. Mai needed him.

Mai did need him. She needed him to be just as upset as she was, in fact. When she heard the choked noise, she reached out her other free hand and cupped his cheek with it. She couldn’t manage words either, but the expression she gave him outwardly encouraged him to cry if he wanted to.

Zuko can't cry. He didn't want to cry why was she making him cry!

His family would consider him so weak, for this. Ozai especially. For the tears spilling over his cheek. He hadn't even known about it three minutes ago, and he didn't understand why this hurt so much.

She hadn’t understood, either. All she knew was that it did. Agonizingly so, for something that they might not have even been thankful for, had they known about it beforehand.

But she needed him to cry with her. It felt like it meant more if they cried together. She couldn’t really explain it. She pulled him down to snuggle in with her again, and wrapped an arm around him, to rub his back with.

By the time they were cried out, Zuko felt numb. It had spread through his body to his limbs and left them feeling heavy. The more Mai had cried, the more he had. That was the effect of the 'passionless' girl showing such passion. He rested his head on her shoulder and sighed.

"I'm sorry. That the last time we talked with each other before that was the argument."

“I’m sorry, actually. It was my fault. I was blaming you for something you hadn’t even done. And I … I don’t want to keep doing that. You’re not that person, you didn’t make those mistakes.” Mai whispered.

"I make new, and different mistakes," He replied softly. "But I can see me making a lot of those mistakes ten years ago. So young there, so much on our shoulders. No wonder Azula lost her mind..."

“... Azula lost her mind?” Mai’s eyes opened wide, and she stared at him.

"We fought," He said, his eyes seeming to reflect blue flame, and spark with lightning. "On the day the comet came. Something..before that had made her come unhinged. She was completely out of it. All that Father twisted in her had unwoven. It was an Agni Kai to the death, with two story walls of fire."

Having never had a dream yet that mentioned a comet, or anything having to do with the fight in question, Mai was stunned into silence. Two story walls of fire? Agni Kai she understood, at least the term, like a duel. The entire concept was frightening.

“I havn’t had any dreams about that.” She finally whispered.

"There was a comet... Every hundred years. It enhances our powers to frightening levels. We fought for the crown. Father had left her to be coronated while he went to burn the Earth Kingdom to ash. But she was burning herself out so quickly. There was no strategy, no sense to her attacks. Just..rage."

He shook his head, and quietly described the fight. He described Katara too, and how he'd taken the lightning for her. And how she'd beaten Azula. He described Azula's distress in the end.

He also thought he knew why Mai had been mad at him. Last night he'd dreamed about the note he'd left.

None of the dream made any sense to her at all, but she listened quietly as he explained it. The events he was describing had to have been set far after the dreams she’d been dreaming.

“Did you... like the beach dream? With her?” Mai recalled the odd voice mail Azula had left her, “If so that might explain her voice mail to me.”

"I think so. We haven't talked about it. She seemed... ashamed. We ran into each other in the waiting room." He frowned, unsure if this was easier to talk about, or just as hard, "We'd been..tense the past week or so. Keep almost coming to blows. But most of that tenseness was gone."

It seemed easier to talk about to Mai, but she hadn’t been involved, “Do you think she’ll … go insane, here?” It seemed a valid concern, to her. She was worried. She knew how bad Ursa was, and she’d always somewhat worried since she’d found out, that instability ran in the family.

Zuko wondered if the dream duel had allowed them to get out their feelings towards each other, in a fashion that wouldn't get people hurt here. At least he hoped so. Seeing Azula so dishelved had been worrisome.

"I don't know. Circumstances are different. She's had more time to grow, and I think things are more stable between us." He hoped so anyway, "Maybe Ty Lee is being a better influence than I thought. I don't know. I told her to go see mother, before she left the hospital. Maybe she'll listen."

Mai nodded her head, “She needs to see her. … we all need to see better. You, too.”

She frowned, and looked at him, “I think you need to stop … We both need to stop letting our parents yank us around. I’m free of that now, not by choice, but you aren’t, at all. Ozai isn’t your father. You know who is.”

Zuko's lips pursed up and his eyes darkened. It was one of those truths that simply weren't spoken out loud.

Ozai commanded. Demanded. Demeaned. Used Force. Ozai did not love. He controlled. He tried to twist Azula into a female version of himself. He turned his children against one another. He put a bullet in his son to teach him a lesson.

And Iroh?

Iroh educated and watched and waited with longsuffering and patience and love, celebrated their good successes with pride, and expressed honest disappointment when they fell - but also offered advice, and a shoulder. He offered it to even Azula, who consistently pushed him away and berated him.

Mai knew which father she’d rather have.

She knew she’d struck a nerve, though, and cupped his face with her hand, “I wrote that on a letter, we wrote letters in case … in case I died. In case she died. But it’s not honest to write it and then never say it. I had to say it. I’m sorry.”

Zuko shook his head, “I’m not. Sorry. I’m not sorry.”

Because Mai was right, even if he’d never let himself see it. He still wasn’t sure he wanted to see it. That it had been the elder brother who’d been a surrogate father to his siblings’ children.

He wondered if he’d do the same if Azula ever had children. That thought was a frightening one. No matter how much Azula changed, or grew, he didn’t think a child would be raised well by her. Iroh wouldn’t be a bad example in that.

The thought that history might repeat itself in his family was a disquieting one. He’d even almost lost Mai, like Iroh lost his wife.

Mai would have had to agree with the assessment on Azula, but would have been disturbed by any correlation between her and Iroh losing his wife. She wasn't dead, and she didn't want to think about how close she might have been.

She was, however, utterly exhausted. She curled in against him, "Are you going to be here when I wake up?"

Really, Zuko was intent on never letting Mai go again. He might be overprotective for awhile.

"I will be. I promise." He kissed her forehead, "They'll have to pry me out with a crowbar."

They probably would have to pry him out with a crowbar, because she was clinging onto him in a way that, even in sleep, would probably be just short of vise grip.

She settled herself into a more comfortable position against him, and shut her eyes, "Good..."

She drifted off to sleep so quickly after that, that it was obvious she'd only been keeping herself awake long enough to make sure he wasn't going anywhere.

Zuko didn’t sleep a wink. There was too much to think about. And not enough time to watch her.